Glitch fixed. Photo: Office Space
Glitch fixed. Photo: Office Space

Surf industry magically discovers nearly 100 more people to fire!

Where were they hiding?

In a move shocking business analysts worldwide, the surf industry has magically unburied nearly 100 more people to fire. The Orange County Register is reporting that Authentic Brands Group sacked 84 souls. The New York City based management company completed purchase of the surf industry less than two months ago. Quiksilver, Billabong, RVCA, DC Shoes and more.

The acquisition celebrated at Costcos country-wide.

Before the sale, “Boardriders,” as the surf industry was then called, canned what it thought was everyone. Nearly 7000 hard-working surf industry employees sent to the bread lines.

Surf industry questions swirl

As the dust settles, business analysts are wondering where the 84 were hiding. The human resources operative in charge of handing out pink slips insists that all bathroom stalls were thoroughly checked. Also underneath all desks and break room closets.

Covid work-from-home rules might be to blame. Quiksilver, Billabong, RVCA, DC Shoes and more managers still practicing “an abundance of caution.”

One likely culprit may be the warehouse where Kelly Slater’s K brand stored its unsold wears.

Now that the entire surf industry has been fired, business experts are wondering if #surfonomics will also disappear. According to the Surf Industry Manufacturers Association, “The surf industry is driven by a growing, passionate, and vibrant customer base of participants in the United States. #Surfonomics is how we define the financial scale and impact of surfing on the global economy.”

It seems extremely likely.

Here, in any case, is a collection of inspirational quotes by people who have been fired.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life. -Steve Jobs

My mom kicked me out a couple of weeks before my 18th birthday. I had a job for about six, seven months at a supermarket, and they fired me for being late. -Cardi B

That should do. I hope you feel better now.

Griffin Colapinto hip surgery
Griff Colapinto, bullish going into hip surgery. | Photo: @griffincolapinto

Surf world rallies behind Griffin Colapinto after title contender endures same hip surgery as Kelly Slater

"I got an MRI and now I’m waking up today with a fresh labrum surgery from one of the goats Dr Warren Kramer."

Only one month ago, Kelly Slater revealed he’d just undergone gruelling hip surgery for a “shredded” labrum. 

The hip labrum, if y’didn’t know, is a ring of cartilage that lines the rim of the hip joint socket. It deepens the socket, which gives stability to the joint, acts a sorta shock absorber when you rum and jump and helps lube the joint. A small but real important part of the machine. 

Slater, who’s fifty-one, said his hip has been real bad ever since he did the splits on a wipeout at Sunset thirty-two years ago and thought he’d snapped his femur. A few years later he was towing in Tahiti and doing flips off the back of waves when he landed weird, hurt his hip, and then in the summer of 2000 he went in for surgery to clean up the mess.

Slater employed the noted orthopaedic surgeon Warren Kramer for a complete Labral reconstruction, the doc using a dead man’s labrum to replace Slater’s old beat-up cartilage.

“Warren got in there and said it looked like a war zone, said he had to get in there and chop through the woods,” said Slater. 

Last night, the world title contender Colapinto, who is almost thirty years younger than Slater, got his Labrum surgery from Kramer, too. 

So, turns out this last half of 2023 I’ve been surfing with a torn labrum in my right hip. I did it during one of my heats in Wetsern Australia when I hit one of the scary Margaret River end sections and as I landed I compressed the bone up into my laybrum tearing it from 11 to 1 o’clock. The pain wasn’t that bad so I thought it was something to do with my muscle, and maybe it was a pinching thing going on but obviously I’m no doctor haha.

I surfed the rest of the season trying to figure this thing out until the season finally finished I got an MRI and now I’m waking up today with a fresh labrum surgery from one of the goats @drwarreng . Thank you @drwarreng 🙏. So word on the streets is recovery could be anywhere from 2 to 4 months for athletes. So now ill start a new journey to hopefully come back better than ever and ready to compete at pipeline with my brothers in 2024!

Many famous surfers in the comments, Dorian, Jack Robinson, Dora, Conner Coffin, Taylor Knox and even Selema Masekela, silent since his recent and very acrimonious split from Black Panther star Lupita Nyong’o who described their parting as “a love devastatingly extinguished by deception.” 

To Colapinto, Selema wrote simply, “Captain Resilience.” 

Teenage surfer killed during Hamas attack on Israel gets dying wish to be buried with his surfboard

Surfer killed in terrorist raid on civilians described as "like ISIS on steroids".

Back on October 7 Hamas commandos went on a wild Jew-killin’ spree, ostensibly as as strike on their Zionist enemy, but also ‘cause Hamas sure do like killing Hebes.

Little boys and girls shot dead while cowering under tables families burned in piles, dancers at a music festival gunned down like hogs as they fled the killers, a terrorist rage described as “like ISIS on steroids.” 

It drove the west nuts, but not as you’d expect – sympathy, let’s catch the bastards – but in a frenzy of Palestinian pride.

In front of the Sydney Opera House lit up with the Israeli flag Australians screamed “Gas the Jews!”

In Times Square, an African-American preacher delighted at the killing of “hipsters.” Stores in London vandalised. Green and red fireworks filling the night skies in all cities.

Even trans-in-sports and equal-pay-for-gals activist Lucy Small got into the action, posting vision of a Hamas gunman in his paraglider en route to slaughter innocents with the caption, “Palestinians in Gaza made history as they escaped the world’s largest prison”.

I asked her,  “How do you stand with a people and a  regime that actively targets LGBTQ+ for death, as well as honour killings? Platitudes aside, I really want to know how you reconcile it all.” 

“This is a society with trauma to its core,” she wrote in part. “The end of occupation may allow for healing.”

To wit, Hamas, and the good citizens of Gaza, are bad because of the Jews, at least that’s how I read it.

Anyway, all that don’t matter to fifteen-year-old Carmel Bachar and his mum and dad. As he lay bleeding to death, Carmel asked to be buried with his surfboard and alongside his mama, Dana, also killed by Hamas.

His Dad Avida, who lost both his legs in the attack, arrived to the double funeral of his son and wife, in a wheelchair. 


Kelly Slater and faith healer Charlie Goldsmith
Two giants in their respective games, Kelly, king of surf, Charlie Goldsmith, king of electrical vibrations. | Photo: @charliegoldsmith

Kelly Slater “secret weapon” Charlie Goldsmith found not-guilty of assaulting boy

“I sometimes wake up and feel totally alone in the world. I think it happens to people that have had great success in their life," says Kelly Slater.

For the past four years, Kelly Slater has been getting advised by the noted faith healer Charlie Goldsmith, their relationship revealed on a WSL video called Sound Waves. 

“I sometimes wake up and feel totally alone in the world. I think it happens to people that have had great success in their life. I feel super alone, and people don’t quite relate to me,” Slater says.


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A post shared by Charlie Goldsmith (@charliegoldsmith)

Goldsmith, who is forty-three and lives at North Brighton on the NSW North Coast, is very famous in Australia for his ability to cure the sick with his personal electric vibrations, as well as tap into the wellness zeitgeist with various business start-ups.

The healer was eighteen years old when he “first felt a strange sensation between his hands. He says he soon discovered this energy could heal people. Worried about exposing himself to a world of doubters, he wanted to keep his gift secret until science supported his claims.”

(Sign up to Goldsmith’s ninety-nine-dollars-a-year wellness program here where you can “access the Energy Movement and Emotional Healing modules, explore fitness and self-love, gut health, nutritional meals and more.” You can also buy $150 six-month subs for “energy teachings.” If you broke he’ll give you a discount, just ask.)

Anyway, on August 2 Goldsmith was charged with giving hell to a bunch of kids following an incident where the kids used golf clubs to belt rocks at various targets. 

After one of the rocks hit Goldsmith’s cleaner’s car police allege Goldsmith drove to the scene, grabbed one of the kids and then “demanded they all sit while he berated them.”

An insanely cruel and brutal punishment, if it were true. 

Goldsmith denied the allegation.

“I was made aware of a group of local youths using golf clubs to hit rocks, resulting in damage to a passing car. I assisted the individual whose car was damaged,” he said. “I am deeply disappointed that I have been charged with one count of common assault. I deny any violent conduct or physical contact with the teens.”

Two days ago the charge was withdrawn in Byron Bay Local Court, the event attended by his lawyer but not the faith healer himself.

Meanwhile, his joint in New Brighton is still up for sale, three mill or thereabouts. Got a sauna out the back and enough bedrooms to turn into a swinging commune etc.

Slater (pictured) elated. Photo: WSL
Slater (pictured) elated. Photo: WSL

’24 WSL wildcard recipient Kelly Slater curb stomps surf progress!

"Younger surfers are pissed that 'kook' Slater is getting in and wondering who the kid is that didn't get in because Kelly Slater got his slot."

Hours ago, the World Surf League made an entirely unsurprising announcement that 11x World Champion Kelly Slater will, officially, receive the 2024 Championship Tour’s season-long wildcard. The 52-year-old is clearly the greatest competitive surfer to ever live. He is also, clearly, very much past his prime. Slater’s interest wains from event to event. Even when he is engaged, Kelly Slater’s old body cannot challenge the younger crop.

And herein lies the trouble.

Slater may be a light ratings boon for the aforementioned “global home of surfing,” but his instance of hanging on robs others of showcasing their talent thus stunting the overall game.

Does Kelly Slater retard professional surfing?

An important question. The short answer is “yes.” The long answer is also “yes.” There is still a chimera of “Kelly Slater” out there that performs well in certain conditions. Barreling lefts, say. Pipeline, Cloudbreak, Teahupo’o. Except, let’s be honest, he now performs well for a quinquagenarian. His name, no doubt, draws viewers but what are they left with? Their hero bowing out in the elimination round. If the World Surf League had a competent Chief of Sport, it would grant Kelly Slater a lifetime achievement award and move him to the booth. If Kelly Slater was not a wild freak, he would read the tea leaves and leave with dignity.

The pairing of incompetence and stubbornness tea leaves us where we are.

According to a well-placed source, there is much grumbling in the ranks. Notably “younger surfers are pissed that ‘kook’ Slater is getting in and wondering who didn’t get in because Kelly Slater got his slot.”

Jessi Miley-Dyer did not address in her press release. The Chief of Sport simply declared, “We’re excited to welcome and officially confirm the new class of Championship Tour competitors.”

Miguel Pupo joins Slater.

New class.

More as the story develops.