Paradise lost.

It’s not every day that an Australian surfer has the opportunity to win the heart, maybe even the hand, of a Hollywood “it-girl.” Not even every year. Maybe every every other year if the Australian surfer carries the last name “Hemsworth” but for the average Jones, Campbell, Smith it is a rare, rare chance.

And so you can imagine the utter despair Miles Shepherd is feeling right now after fumbling his once-in-a-lifetime chance at Hollywood it-girl Sydney Sweeney.

Ooooeeeee!

The classic bogan, feat. bad sunglasses and curly brown mullet, narrates the scene from a perch on the sandy beach, beginning with, “So I’m just trying to process what just happened. I’m ups on the Gold Coast absolutely beautiful and I’m sitting on the towel, the sun’s out, I’m watching the surf and I tell myself, ‘Geez. Life can’t get much better…'”

But it did.

“My eyes were blessed with something I don’t think they’ll ever forget,” he continued. “You gotta think to yourself, ‘What does a magazine cover look like when the supermodel is on the front and she’s walking out dripping in water? What does that cover look like? What does the James Bond scene look like when the girl’s coming off the beach? What does Baywatch look like?’ Well that’s what I just experienced (pregnant pause) with Sydney Sweeney.”

He goes on describing his far away encounter with the “genuine A-lister,” amazed. Gobsmacked. Thoroughly wowed and posted his description to TikTok.

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A post shared by Miles Shepherd (@mileshep_)

Sweeney truly is a zeitgeist actress. Star turns in Euphoria, The Voyeurs, Night Teeth, The White Lotus have launched the 26-year-old to the absolute moon. She is everything, everywhere all at once.

Well, Sweeney took to social media and direct messaged Shepherd “u should’ve said hi” including a dagger laughing-crying emoji as the ender. The twin fin enthusiast responded, “Ahaha yeah well how about I take you out and i can say hi for real x,” but she never responded.

Ball very clearly fumbled.

Surf drop of the century?

Do you have a similar story? A moment in your life that you let slip that will forever and ever haunt?

Share, please.

"I can’t say that I was terribly surprised..."

Four weeks ago, the surf world fell into deep mourning as it was revealed that Matthew Perry had drowned. The beloved Friend had, just months previously, run afoul of the aforementioned watery group after he wished Keanu Reeves dead in his acclaimed memoir. “Why is it that the original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die,” he penned “but Keanu Reeves still walks among us?”

Surf fans, of course, venerate Reeves as a saint after his portrayal of Johnny Utah in Point Break, which remains one of the best surf movie ever made and were ready to march upon Perry’s Pacific Palisades home with pitchforks. The 54-year-old quickly realized his error and apologized to Reeves, declaring he would remove the line from forthcoming editions of his book.

The surf world breathing a sigh of relief.

Now, the other best surf movie ever made is certainly Fast Times at Ridgemont High which brought to us Jeff Spicoli marvelously portrayed by Sean Penn. The star turn, really, created the surfer stereotype which has survived until this day.

Penn recently sat down with Piers Morgan and reflected on Matthew Perry, saying, “What a talented guy. I can’t claim to have known him well, but I liked him very much.” He then went on to praise him for his book, the people it would help etc. before adding, “It’s tragic, I can’t say that I was terribly surprised. I don’t know what the whole coroner’s report things and everything, but I know he had done a lot of damage to his organs over the years.”

Surf wisdom, I suppose, and it certainly is interesting that Matthew Perry had direct ties to the two greatest surf actors in the last days of his life.

More reasons to love and cherish.

700 years of data, over a billion waves, 1 OMG.

To be honest, I don’t know if Laird Hamilton actually surfs big waves any more but he sure used to. King Poseidon taming the wild seas with quadriceps the size of watermelons, abs like a washboard, a jaw made from an old timey lantern. Who could ever forget his OMG Teahupo’o wave?

OMG.

Now, that I think about it, I only really remember him surfing big waves during his strapped years. Jaws etc. Though was that him or Derick Dorner or that other guy?

Well, back to the issue at hand, big waves and how to find them. In years past, hunting beasts required much knowledge of weather data and swell blah blah plus a premium subscription to forecasting site Surfline. Overnight, all that has vanished.

For scientists at the University of Copenhagen and University of Victoria have plugged 700 years worth of data about “freakishly large” rogue waves into the artificial intelligence machine and can know predict when, and where, they’re going to strike.

“Basically, it is just very bad luck when one of these giant waves hits. They are caused by a combination of many factors that, until now, have not been combined into a single risk estimate. In the study, we mapped the causal variables that create rogue waves and used artificial intelligence to gather them in a model which can calculate the probability of rogue wave formation,” scientist Dion Häfner told phys.org.

“Bad luck,” of course in the eye of the beholder. Shipping companies losing containers on the burly ocean etc.

Good luck if you are Laird Hamilton

“Our analysis demonstrates that abnormal waves occur all the time. In fact, we registered 100,000 waves in our dataset that can be defined as rogue waves. This is equivalent to around one monster wave occurring every day at any random location in the ocean. However, they aren’t all monster waves of extreme size,” explained other scientist Johannes Gemmrich.

One monster wave every day? This all really forces the question: what has Surfline been doing all this time?

Like, these Danish bros have plugged in over 1 billion waves to their algorithm and, as far as I can tell, make no money from premium subscribers.

WTF?

Let’s now turn our attention to Sam George discussing OMG.