Jeff Bezos captured awkwardly dipping
paddle in Miami waters whilst practicing surfing’s most hated
bastard
By Chas Smith
"Pervasive ugliness."
Of all surfing’s many bastards, including foil,
boogie, wake and knee, standup paddleboarding is, by far and away,
the most hated. Any time a man, or woman, strokes into the lineup,
standing up, paddling, the mood instantly darkens. Surfers scowl.
Prepare to snap. Ugliness spreads and happiness only returns
if/when the plague is removed via unexpectedly large closeout.
The SUPer is, almost always, completely unaware, which is why he
or she chose the abomination to begin with. Some famous
participants are disgraced former World Surf League CEO
Erik Logan, probably ex-congressman George Santos and
now richest man on earth Jeff Bezos.
As you are certainly aware, the Amazon chief recently moved from
Seattle to Miami. He docked his largest yacht on earth there and
has been practicing the Fetish of Fools whilst out on the
waters.
But if Jeff Bezos decided to leave the safety of intercostal
waterways and make his way to your lineup, how would you greet
him?
What if his fiancé Lauren Sanchez and SUPing security detail
were with him?
Thought so.
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Audience members recoil with disgust after
watching Harry Bryant's Motel Hell. NYTimes
Audience members faint and lose their lunch
at premiere of “disgusting” surf-horror film Motel Hell
By Jen See
“I spent an evening in the lobby just to see if
people really do come stumbling out in the middle of the picture as
reported — they did.”
It’s Saturday night in Ventura, California, and cars
stream down East Santa Clara Street, their red taillights glowing
in the dusk’s fading light. Outside the Smoke Stop, music
bumps and a pair of girls dance in the flicker of its neon sign. A
man in an ugly Christmas sweater hurries down the sidewalk. He’s
late. I hope he doesn’t miss dinner.
Still, the space retains the chaotic creativity that
characterizes Reynolds and his projects.
When I first catch sight of him, Reynolds has a spider in his
hand. It dangles from a square of paper, as he darts through the
doorway from the back of the shop. The plan is to put the spider
outside, but people flood through the front door at exactly the
wrong moment.
Reynolds dashes back the other way. The spider escapes into the
dark behind a pile of boxes.
In the parking lot out back, a pizza truck and a band set up
shop. A few streets over, there’s a Christmas-themed event on Main
Street, the pedestrian-only shopping area. The thumping music
sounds like a rave, and pink lights flash in the trees. I lean
against the chainlink fence. It’s topped with barbed wire, which
together with the glint of broken glass on the pavement gives the
scene a gritty patina.
The night’s film is Motel Hell from Harry Bryant and filmer Dave
Fox. They spent three years collecting footage for the project in
Australia and around the world. The title comes from a 1970s cult
horror film, which is an unexpected choice. There’s a crew of
talent in Motel Hell including Shaun Manners, Craig Anderson,
Eithan Osbourne, and Holly Wawn among others. I’m intrigued by the
theme and the promise of barrels. I like barrels.
The parking lot fills with hoodies, and Vans. In the dim light of
the street lights and shop’s windows, everyone looks the same.
(Sorry, dudes) Dressed in a bright, patterned shirt, Reynolds darts
through the crowd, arranging the projector, restarting the
playlist, and messing with a set of lights. He’s everywhere,
perpetually in motion, and Reynolds looks happiest when he has
something to do.
A couple comes up to ask what we’re doing over here in the
parking lot. Watching Motel Hell, a surf film, I tell them through
the fence. They seem baffled by this choice. Come to the Wine Walk!
They glow with wine and happiness. The ugly Christmas sweater party
is a rave is a wine walk. It sounds deranged. I’m not at all
convinced all these ingredients belong together, but this is not my
problem. I’m just here to watch surfing.
Hoodies swarm the food and beer. The crowd buzzes with chatter.
The surf has not been anything special lately. Nearby a dude tells
a long story, while his friends pretend to listen. Groms run
through the crowd’s gaps. Bryant’s blonde hair floats through the
crowd, always at the center of a tight knot of people. It feels
like waiting for the show at a hole-in-the-wall club, but the
bathrooms are nicer.
There’s a drawing, and then it’s time. We watch Motel Hell
projected on the side of a neighboring building, conveniently built
with white walls. I slide through the crowd to get a sight-line
through the heads. The film’s guitar-driven soundtrack drowns out
the thump of the Christmas wine walk rave.
The film opens with Bryant lost in the desert. He finds a
dilapidated bar set alone on a sand dune. It’s appropriately creepy
and peopled with weirdos. The scene sets up the film’s recurring
gag, where a glass of milk sends Bryant spiraling from one
adventure to the next. In an interview with Reynolds before the
film, Bryant explained that he’s lactose intolerant.
The obvious challenge of making a surf film is that each wave
doesn’t last long at all. Film makers have to rely on some sort of
device to glue the thing together, whether it’s interviews, skits,
or nature channel B-roll. Motel Hell is weird and creative and the
joke at the center of it mostly works. Somehow, Fox and Bryant also
managed to make a film in Australia without a single kangaroo. I
did not think this was actually possible.
The surfing. You want to know about the surfing. Certainly, the
waves fit the horror theme. This is not a surf film filled with
cute turns and twirly things. Playful, fun-sized waves are also in
short supply in Motel Hell. I was not sad about this at all.
Instead, Bryant packs some monster barrels and mutant-freak
peaks.
There’s some dreamy Moroccan right point break magic at the
outset. And also, a camel. But the majority of the footage comes
from places like unruly Ireland and remote Australia. There are a
lot of waves with evil intentions. The sequence of non-makes gives
a hint of the payment they’re out to extract from Bryant and his
friends. I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these waves, but to his
credit Bryant wanders beyond the usual destinations.
I am a simple kid who likes to watch surf films. Based on the
crowd in the parking lot on Saturday, I’m not alone in this strange
affinity. A friend asked me recently if there’s anything left of
surf culture. I didn’t quite know what to say and still don’t. But
I do feel like as long as people are willing to stand around in a
parking lot to watch a surf film projected on the side of a
building, there’s still some life left in this thing.
Then it’s over. The credits roll and a cold wind blows down the
canyon. The wine walk rave has gone quiet and a band called Kan Kan from San Diego plays a set.
There’s still a few beers left in the cooler. Cars straggle along
the road out front. I pull up my hood and walk out into the
night.
If you’re in Hawai’i, you can catch Motel Hell on December 9 at
Farm to Barn in Hale’iwa.
I’m told it’ll be online a few weeks after that showing.
Essential, as we like to say around here.
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Florida surf fans riot as beloved state
university left out of college football playoffs
By Chas Smith
"Lets blame DeSantimonious!!!"
Florida’s panhandled surfers love, in order:
Hooters, baby shark bites and Florida State football. The last a
passion from Pensacola all the way east to Jacksonville, the only
part that matters according to august surf photographer Jimmy
“Cane” Wilson. Tomahawk chops all day long. And it was with much
excitement that this gaggle came into the weekend. Much like
professional surfing, at its highest level, college football is an
absurdity with a group of elderly men meeting in Gaylord, Texas to
decide which four teams will be included in the playoffs.
This year, the Seminoles were an unblemished 13 – 0 for the
season. A perfect record and in a Power Five conference to boot
with the ACC. Never in the history of the college football playoffs
had an undefeated Power Five team been left out.
Until this year.
For this year, University of Texas, part of the Big 12, and
Alabama, part of the SEC, each 12-1 leapfrogged Florida State
leaving panhandled surfers, first, utterly depressed and, next,
absolutely rage filled.
Florida’s Governor Tim Scott, who finds his office in
Tallahassee where the Seminoles play, lashed out declaring, “While
I doubt the committee’s decision will be reversed to rightly reward
FSU for its hard-fought, undefeated season as the committee has
done for other undefeated Power Five conference champions in recent
years, I do believe that total transparency regarding how this
decision was reached would do tremendous good for the committee,
the CFP as a whole, and the college football community.”
Former United States President Donald Trump, now a Florida
resident, added, “Florida State was treated very badly by the
‘committee.’ They became the first Power Five team to be left out
of the College Football Playoffs. Really bad lobbying effort…Lets
blame DeSantimonious!!!”
Surfers, energized, pulling pitchforks out of board racks and
ready to march on Gaylord.
Will you join them?
Do you care about the World Surf League-ification of collegiate
ball?
Should you?
More as the story develops.
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Australian man in critical condition after
burial in beach hole
By Chas Smith
"It was pretty gnarly when he popped out. I threw
up."
We surfers, we who find our joy upon the
waters, are well aware of lineup danger. Sharks, rabid seals, mean
otters, SUP enthusiasts, influencers,
coral, rock, vulnerable adult learners etc. The sand fronting those
rolling waves, though, is entirely different story and I only see
what I can only assume sun bathers deem “hazards” from afar,
bobbing out at sea. An errant frisbee, maybe. Or whatever that
spike ball thing is.
There is one horror that presents itself from time to time,
however, that gives me deep chills. People who fall into sand holes
and are buried alive.
The nightmare scenario occurred over the weekend on Bribrie
Island, near Brisbane, when a 25-year-old Australian man fell into
a six-foot-deep sand hole dug to cook a pig. Eyewitnesses
report that Josh Taylor “stood up off
the chair, the sand had given away a little bit underneath him. He
stumbled back. He’d put his arms out to obviously to break the
fall, he’s continued going down and knocked sand as he’s put his
arms out.”
Sand quickly filled in and soon only his feet were poking
out.
Those around jumped into action, trying to free the young man.
“There were 15 fully grown men on the end of this rope and he still
would not budge,” the bystander continued, “That’s when the
paramedic was like pull him this way .. . the suction gave way and
he popped out.”
Another described the pandemonium. “I realized someone was head
first in a hole and I was just digging digging digging…All of his
family, were screaming at us, telling us to help, telling us to get
rope so we could pull him out. It was pretty gruesome. It was
pretty gnarly when he popped out. I threw up.”
Taylor had no pulse but paramedics immediately began CPR, which
they performed for 45-minutes until his heart started beating
again.
“The fact that they have got a return of pulse on this young man
after an extended period of CPR, is evidence that good CPR was
being done, it’s a credit to those people who got in and helped
with their first aid,” QAS Paramedic Peter Batt said.
He was rushed to Princess Alexandra Hospital where he remains in
critical but stable condition.
A miracle but, boy, I cannot imagine anything worse.
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Hours before near-fatal wipeout at
Pipeline, Olympic gold medal favourite João Chianca slammed Paris
2024 organisers in brave post
By Derek Rielly
“Surfing will never lose its principles for an
Olympic event.”
A little before eleven this morn, the world number four
João Chianca scooped a fine set at
Backdoor, got a little hung in the lip, pin-dropped and…reef
strike…unconscious, rescued by a local teenage hotshot.
João Chianca, who is twenty-three and the younger brother of
big-wave surfer Lucas Chianca, was held underwater by multiple
waves before being rescued by Eddie invitee Jake Maki.
After being stabilised on the beach by lifeguards, João Chianca
was rushed by ambulance to The Queen’s Medical Centre in Honoulu
where he remains in an unknown condition.
As you also know, helluva ruckus in Tahiti over Paris 2024
organisers demolishing the old wooden changing tower, which has
served its pro surfing master for two decades, and building a
five-million dollar aluminium structure.
Yesterday, following a Paris 2024 barge tearing up a little of
the coral reef,
reigning gold medallist Carissa Moore added her voice to the
growing clamour to either boycott the games or stop the build.
“(Broken heart emoji) This doesn’t seem worth it.”
Now, it can be revealed that João Chianca gave hell to Paris
2024 organisers with a moving screed only hours before he was
dragged unconscious from the water at Pipe.
“Surfing will never lose its principles for an Olympic event. It
would never make sense for surfing being an Olympic sport going
against everything that this beautiful sport always stood up for.
Surfers always travelled and competed around the globe respecting
Mother Nature and her rules.”
More on Chumbo’s condition as we’re updated.
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros