Crap surf forces English National Surfing
Championships to erect Wall of Positive Noise
By Chas Smith
"With the surf forecast showing a fun 2ft of surf
on Saturday, the stage is set for a competitive showdown..."
Fans of professional surfing are, generally,
aware that Mother Nature can be a big ol’ jerk. Events, scheduled
years in advance, oftentimes receive no material support from the
buxom blonde and are forced to run in waist high garbage. Sometimes
that trash is so odious, so unbelievably nasty, that organizers are
forced to cull the window from three days down to one.
And let us travel to Watergate Bay, there on England’s
southwestern most tip where the highly-anticipated English National
Surfing Championships was set to take place May 4th through the
6th. The weather was reliably terrible and so Surfing England
pushed until now and with rubbish surf on tap, it has been forced
to slash and burn two whole days of competitive little political
wet energy mound riding.
Putting a World Surf League-esque face on matters, the official
governing body declared, “With the surf forecast showing a fun 2ft
of surf on Saturday, the stage is set for a competitive showdown. A
total of 84 surfers have entered across six divisions, ensuring
over 15 hours of gripping competition heats, split across two wave
peaks. The event kicks off bright and early on Saturday, with
thrilling action carrying through to late afternoon when the
event’s top surfers will be crowned with national titles.”
Joe Turpel couldn’t have Wall of Positive Noise’d better.
Bravo, I guess.
Will the “global home of surfing” sue for unauthorized usage
though?
Certainly more as the story develops.
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World Surf League brazenly curses forecast
ahead of Tahiti Pro
By Chas Smith
"The perfection of Tahiti awaits the world’s best
surfers during the competition window."
Surfers are nothing if not superstitious and
especially when it comes to our little political wet energy mounds.
No surfer worth her salt will hype a potential swell event nor even
think “I’m taking the next one in” near the end of a session lest
the universe is bending its ear and hearing the haughtiness. That
universe is mean and will instantly dry up the aforementioned
little political wet energy mounds leaving the brash bastardette
unfulfilled.
Enter the World Surf League.
The Shiseido Tahiti Pro is but days away with surf fans eagerly
anticipating the first event post cut. We have not seen
professional surfing at its highest level since Margaret River
closed its doors on April 21. Final’s day, there, was a banger, if
I recall, with fine waves and fine performances. A rarity this
season which has been downright cursed by lousy conditions. The
WSL, it appears, hopes to keep the ugly streak going.
In an entirely ill-advised press release, the “global home of
surfing,” brazenly declared, “The perfection of Tahiti awaits the
world’s best surfers during the competition window of May 22
through 31, 2024. They will no doubt be looking to prove themselves
next week at Teahupo’o, as that break will also be the surfing
venue for the Olympic Games Paris 2024 from July 27 through August
5, 2024.”
The perfection of Tahiti awaits?
Perfection?
Oh, I can just see that universe now, guffawing at El Segundo’s
contemptuous call, dialing up howling cross-winds and a ten day
little political wet energy mound event not exceeding
three-feet.
Thanks, WSL.
Thanks a lot.
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$75 million Sydney wavepool swings door
open to surfers, quickly books out
By Derek Rielly
While the revelatory thrill might be gone, there’s
still something that hits you in the guts when the water starts
sucking backwards in that tight little apex of the tank and a tube
appears out of nowhere…
On a rain-soaked Friday afternoon two weeks ago, I had
the enormous pleasure of examining the new $75 million Sydney
wavepool alongside the noted sexagenarian surfing brothers,
Nicholas and Thomas Carroll, men for whom age does not
weary nor years condemn etc.
Also in attendance, an entourage of Instagram influencers, the
photographer Billy Morris, eighties tour shredder Rob
Bain and the Bondi-based editor of Tracks magazine,
Luke Kennedy.
There’s a helluva lot less excitement when it comes to pools
opening than there was four years ago when the Melbourne tank
became Australian’s first wavepool, when you’d peer through the
wire construction fences to see the first test waves rolling
through, bringing shrieks of delight even when they were punched to
pieces by that raw Victorian wind.
Back then, I enjoyed Urbnsurf’s hospitality from one through til
six as part of a media reveal. It was very hot that day, one
hundred degrees Fahrenheit. With fourteen surfers in the water and
eight-wave sets every two minute one wave was caught every four
minutes.
Staff still call it the day of days.
That same week, on the Friday, I joined the party of an old
friend who had hired the joint from nine am until eight pm.
I spent seven hours or thereabouts in the water and caught, at a
conservative estimate, one hundred waves.
Two very exciting days, and both still warm in my memory.
It’s a different experience this time. Daddy’s leg don’t work,
operation forthcoming in three weeks, so he gifts his kids the two
sessions, the first turns, the second, barrels.
And, while the revelatory thrill might be gone, there’s still
something that hits you in the guts when the water starts
sucking backwards in the apex of the tank and a three-foot tube
appears out of nowhere and no one is there to hassle you for it; no
one’s gonna push the lip down on your head, push you too deep or
too wide.
And the water colour, oowee, it’s a shocking cobalt blue, as
inviting as a warm fire cutting through logs.
So what’s difference between the Melbourne tank and Sydney?
Well, both are Wavegarden tech but there’s been four years to
work out the kinks and while it may not be immediately obvious
there are improvements.
The first is, Melbourne was built next to an airport and
adjacent to an Aussie Rules football ground nicknamed Windy Hill.
And even if you’re told the wind don’t affect the waves ‘cause
there’s zero fetch for the wind to do its terrible biz, they do,
even if it’s an aesthetic thing. Sydney crouches below a hill and
dips away from any exposure to a raw wind.
So, yeah, waves are smooth.
Second thing is the water temp. It gets insanely cold in a
Melbourne winter and the water temp will dip below ten degrees
celsius, 50F.
So, Sydney, down to maybe fourteen, fifteen, 57, 59F, at the
peak of the winter. Right now, a couple weeks out of winter, it’s
eighteen or 65 F.
Sessions cost either $109 or $159. The cheaper sessions you’ll
share with 17 other surfers, netting you ten or twelve waves,
depending if the session is full and if you milk the things to the
bitter end and lose your place in line.
The more expensive expert session has twelve surfers, meaning
you’ll get eighteen waves and plenty of room and time to decipher
how to thread the so-called Beast. Tip: punch down on your tail
after the takeoff and you’ll ride the length of the drainpipe.
Helmets aren’t compulsory but, as in the snow game, they’re
starting to become more popular and you can hire ‘em if you want a
little extra confidence heading into a Beast sesh.
It ain’t such a bad idea. I’ve seen two head injuries, and at
the presser this time a kid belted his head on the bottom.
If you’re into the idea of using pools as air-camps, you
might’ve written off the Wavegardens preferring the American Wave
Machine ramps of Waco and Brazil’s Boa Vista.
Until real recently, if they wanted to create an air section,
Wavegarden would install a temporary reef. Now, they can do it
using the existing modules. Only prob is they can only use one side
of the pool and there’s only forty waves instead of 216 an
hour.
Still, they plan on opening up some sorta air session to the
public this Christmas-ish.
Big wave-riding billionaire Adam Neumann
buys world’s hippest surfing magazine, shelves iconic name,
rebrands as Flow Trip!
By Derek Rielly
Hard pivot into surf media!
The halls of every surf media outlet, from San Clemente
to Byron Bay, are abuzz today with the electrifying news that
big-wave billionaire and founder of WeWork Adam Neumann
had pivoted hard into surf media.
Adam Nuemann, forty-five, is an Israeli-American who was raised
on the collective farming miracle called kibbutz and who served
three years with a M4 machine gun protecting Israel from its
vicious enemies.
Neumann even broke his finger surfing “18-foot” waves with pal
Laird Hamilton.
Neumann made his billions, and lost plenty, with his company
WeWork, which was based on similar collective principals as the
kibbutzim he was raised on, various workers share office space,
enjoying the cross-pollination of ideas as well as the reduced cost
of renting an office.
“Flow is helping good people live a connected life in buildings
and environments that make them feel good and valued, while feeling
like a home. The Flow Trip is the media side of that with quality
storytelling, content, and experiences that showcase what Flow is
all about.”
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Feminist hero Lucy Small invites BeachGrit
community to select surfing’s political bent
By Chas Smith
Is surfing a Democrat or a Republican?
Now, I don’t have to tell you that we live in
hyper polarized times. Those on the left, haughty and cocksure,
growling at those on the right, angry and befuddled. Folk generally
sticking with people who share the same bent, fraternizing in
similar spaces where challenges to an overarching worldview are
non-existent. Echoes bouncing off digital walls.
Except, that is, for BeachGrit where people from all
walks come together and share in the simple joys of Kelly
Slater.
Well, it appears those days are over. In an overnight call to
action, feminist hero Lucy Small has declared this, and other, surf
communities must once and for all sign surfing up for a political
party. “Surfing is political whether we like it or not,” she
plainly stated. “So it’s up to us to choose what those politics
are.”
Further explaining, she wrote, “I’m working on this theory that
basically everything we do is political (I did not make that up)
but the access we have to the beach, to surfboards, to travel, to
hotels, to surf media, to social media, to surf films, the health
of the ocean we surf in etc is all political and our surfer dollars
and surfer voices are always contributing to something.”
And continued, “I have been doing some deep deep thinking about
all these things lately, reading some books and watching lots of
films, trying to understand where surfing is situated in this
political universe. Its role in history has mattered a lot and it
continues to matter now. So yes, I do understand surfing as a
political thing and us surfers are little political beings riding
our little political wet energy mounds. Would love to hear your
thoughts in the comments and welcome the opportunity to learn more
:).”
I honestly have zero idea how “everything we do is political” or
what utterly myopic thinker came up with that as the governing
principle for life but here we are, I guess. The moment of truth.
Is surfing a Democrat? A Republican? Labour? Comités Jeanne? Khmer
Rouge? Shining Path?
Other?
Please be a good sport, once we decide, and accept the group
decision. Surfing certainly doesn’t need any more splinter
factions.