Caroline Marks (insert) showing off House USA. Photo: Instagram
Caroline Marks (insert) showing off House USA. Photo: Instagram

US surf team turns back on temptations at sea and opts to stay on land instead of Olympic love boat

"The Team USA housing in Teahupo’o is within a private home and all furniture is provided within the home."

(Apologies for yesterday’s outage. What a stupid, stupid mess. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.)

The 2024 Olympiad is officially underway after Paris staged a grand opening ceremony. Boats on the Seine, the Tour Eiffel awash in laser beams, French-Canadian Celine Dion leaving the rain glittered audience ultra moved. Three weeks ago, now, I heard Bernard Arnault’s son Antoine declare that the family’s LVMH had designed the show and hell would come if it was not a success. Well, he, like Lachlan Murdoch, can rest easy.

Halfway across the world, and twelve hours earlier, Olympic surfers showcased their own piece of France, this one with crystalline waters and impossibly green hills. Much of the world getting its first glimpse of Tahiti and its gorgeous “End of the Road.”

As those who have been to Teahupo’o know, the town is very small with no hotels or McMansions. As such, Olympic committee organizers opted to commandeer a repurposed cargo ship as a floating athlete village. Tales of lusty encounters between medal hopefuls are all-to-common at most Olympic Games and it must be thought that adding warm tropical air, poisson cru and the gentle sway of the ocean currents would only heighten amorous feelings.

Smart, then, for Team USA to avoid.

Julie Dussliere, Senior VP, Chief of Paralympics & Internally Managed Sports, told People Magazine, “Athletes are free to stay wherever they choose. Many nations and athletes have elected to rent homes in the Teahupo’o area in lieu of staying on the cruise ship. Team USA’s property is located within the town of Teahupo’o near the ‘End of the Road’ and the Point.”

Providing more context, Dussliere explained, “All houses are typical of homes in French Polynesia with a heavy emphasis on outdoor living and functional outdoor spaces. The Team USA housing in Teahupo’o is within a private home and all furniture is provided within the home. The beds are not cardboard.”

Florida’s Caroline Marks gave a peek of the house to her many fans on Instagram and the deck does look like a very nice place to take in the sunset whilst nursing a bowl of poisson cru and snuggling….

…uh oh.

More as the story develops.

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Kai Mckenzie speaks about Great White attack
"Man ohh fucking man to be here right now just to fucking be able to hold my beautiful Eve and my family is everything to me…"

Kai McKenzie vows to surf again after Great White attack, “F**ck off to that shark!”

“It was a very scary scene and it scared the fuck out of me”

Surfers don’t come much cooler than Australian Kai McKenzie whose leg was bitten off by a 10-foot Great White five days back, only for it to be washed ashore shortly after, put on ice and sent off to the hozzy with Kai in the chopper.

The twenty-three-year-old Rage teamrider was surfing a breakwall in Port Macquarie when the shark hit. Leg gone, Kai made it shore where an off-duty cop used his dog’s leash as a tourniquet, saving the kid’s life.

“Breaking his back last year, he never once complained … [he] always just got on with doing what he loved as soon as possible,” Rage wrote on Instagram. “He is an inspiring person.”

In a missive posted from his bed in Newcastle’s John Hunter hospital, Kai writes;

Man ohh fucking man to be here right now just to fucking be able to hold my beautiful Eve and my family is everything to me, a few days ago I went through a crazy shark attack ( biggest shark I’ve ever seen ) which was a very crazy scene and scared the living fuck out of me ,but to all you fucking kind hearted people, all you legends, to anyone and everyone all your support has meant the absolute world to me. It’s so cool to see so many beautiful people support me. There are so many messages to get back to but I wanted to say a massive thanks to everyone for your generous donations on the go fund me page. We are so very grateful for everything. I can tell you now if you know my personality this means fuck all. I’ll be back in that water In no time ! BIG FUCK OFF TO THAT SHARK and BIG THANKS to Steve for saving my life.

Jump into his GoFundMe here.

Long road back etc.

 

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Yang Siqi with ISA President Fernando Aguerre
Siqi Yang with ISA President Fernando Aguerre

Chinese wrestler with three-minute breath hold Siqi Yang stuns surf fans at Paris 2024 Teahupoo!

500-1 Olympic longshot Siqi Yang impresses world with gutsy showing at Teahupoo.

The Olympics.

For some, the pinnacle of sporting achievement; for others, the dilution of sporting cultures by pomp and ceremony.

But regardless of stance, there’s potential entertainment for all.

Like in Rio in 2016, when someone lost the keys to the Maracana stadium, and officials had to employ bolt cutters to get fans in.

Or at the same games, when a dodgy contractor poured hydrogen peroxide into the swimming pools and athletes were forced to compete in acid green water.

Or, best of all, in Seoul, 1988, when doves fried.

A flock of doves had been released before the opening ceremony as a symbol of peace. Many settled on the rim of the Olympic torch. I suppose they were expected to move when the torch was lit, but it ignited with such ferocity that the birds had little chance, burning to ash as the crowd looked on and applauded.

Could there be similarly comical disasters for Paris 2024?

Very possibly. But they may occur ten thousand miles away in Tahiti.

The inclusion of surfing in the Olympics is certainly polarising among surf fans. A competition at Teahupo’o is not to be sniffed at, even by the most ardent doubters, but is surfing ready for the stage?

Mainstream interest is at an all time high, and with justification.

There’s the fearsome venue, obviously. The controversy over drilling into prime Tahitian reef to erect a judging tower for a four-day event. The lack of infrastructure to host such a major competition, and the re-purposed cruise ship solution.

All fascinating threads just waiting to be unspooled for the general reader. You might think that a savvy surf writer would have cashed in on some of this in the months and weeks leading to competition. You might think that someone who spends a significant chunk of his time watching and commenting on professional surfing would be able to leverage and recoup some of this time spent.

Some might.

I, most certainly, have not.

The cruise ship concept is fascinating. What might happen in that contained space? Which of our favourites might be fucking and/or fighting?

But for me, well, I just can’t look away from Filipe Toledo.

I pitched two stories, both to the Guardian. The first some months ago, a long read of 5000ish words. A deep dive into the mind of Toledo. An investigation into the uniqueness of this situation, examining sporting parallels, if there were any.

They liked it, it gained some traction, there were discussions. But ultimately they said they didn’t have the budget to send me to Tahiti, and weren’t convinced that Toledo would talk to me.

Fair enough.

The second story was pitched yesterday. A much shorter piece, but on roughly the same subject. I haven’t heard back, so I’ll presume it’s dead in the water.

Perhaps it is too surf-centric an angle. Perhaps a story about ecological catastrophe, the potential death of competitors, or the sex boat moored offshore would have been more suitable.

But for me, the paradox of a man who has utterly mastered one aspect of his sport, yet failed spectacularly in another is endlessly fascinating.

As Chas has oft said, whether Toledo conquers or capitulates, it’s a hell of a story.

But aside from this, what for us, the hoary old men and women of surf fandom?

Well, curiosity, for one.

How will these various non-luminaries of the surf world cope with Teahupo’o? Several in the draw have very limited experience of the wave, and in that we might imagine ourselves, thrust into that position.

Then there’s schadenfreude. We don’t want to see anyone get hurt, of course, but who doesn’t enjoy watching someone other than themselves pitched over the falls?

And then there’s sheer disbelief in the case of China’s Yang Siqi, the girl raised in landlocked China, just fifteen years old, who only saw the sea for the first time six years ago.

(All according to my very cursory research, of course.)

Now, she will be cast into Teahupo’o’s maw. (Or if she’s wise, will simply keep Filipe company in the channel.)

There are several names among the competitors that I am seeing for the very first time. Mainly among the women’s draw, but there are at least a couple of men I could tell you nothing about.

This strikes me as curious, and is certainly a quirk of the Olympics. That being athletes who have little business competing at the highest level might somehow find themselves at the zenith of their chosen sport.

Think Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards, the English ski jumper. A loveable soul, surely, but with no business in ski jumping. Evidenced by finishing dead last in every competition he entered.

Or, my personal favourite, Eric “The Eel” Moussambani, the swimmer from Equatorial Guinea who gasped and splashed his way to a heat win in Sydney 2000 after all his competitors had been disqualified for false starts.

To be fair to Moussambani, it was the first time he’d seen a 50m pool.

Could our very own surfing provide similar comic value in Paris 2024? I like to hope so.

Fancy a bet on it?

Hard to look away from Florence (4/1), Medina (3/1), or Robinson (5/1).

But the forecast is questionable, the stage a little different, and so upsets are possible.

Joao Chianca at 30/1 seems generous to me. He will have the fire and the freshness after missing much of this year.

Or what about Kanoa Igarashi at 50/1? He’s no stranger to Teahupo’o. And if any surfer in the draw fits the mould of an Olympian, it’s him.

And for an even darker horse, try Joan Duru at 80/1.

For the women, I’m struggling to look past Molly Picklum at 10/1. Sure, she’s had an inconsistent year, but she will not hold back. And much like Kanoa, there’s something about her that makes me believe an Olympic medal might mean more to her than some others.

Clearly Vahine Fierro is the favourite (4/1), and Simmers (7/1) is probably worth a punt, too.

I would predict that the majority of the women not currently on the WCT are cannon fodder, but the draw has been unkind (Simmers, Picklum and Weston-Webb all in heat four, for example), and so some super long shots have a chance.

Siqi Yang at 500/1, anyone?

Wouldn’t that be a story!

(Editor’s note: a little strife we got ourselves in means our stories are a little, how you say, late. This came in two days ago. Since then, lil Siqi Yang gave hell to Teahupoo, Filipe caught two pretty good waves and John John/Gabriel, predictably, ruled.)

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"Laguna Beach Karen" in repose. Photo: TikTok
"Laguna Beach Karen" in repose. Photo: TikTok

Laguna Beach woman explodes onto grumpy local scene by claiming ownership of sand

"Get f—king moving. Get out of here. Now!"

The grumpy local has had a rough time, post-Covid. Hordes of adult learners descended not used to the vagaries of this surfing life, nor caring thus, were unable to be put into place. They were in the water for exercise, social distance, mental health and not because they were suckled as babes on stories of Miki Dora, Buttons Kaluhiokalani or Kolohe Andino. They didn’t care when Mr. Lineup Enforcer barked their way.

Or cared and threatened legal action.

So here we are, grumpy local quietly stewing inside with no real outlet. Sad. You can imagine, then, her shock when California recently entered a frenzy of “my beach, my chicks, my waves, go home” activity.

Or at least, “my beach, go home.”

Two incidents are trending, as they say. One in Malibu where signs were posted on Lechuza Beach reading, “This beach is on private lots. Trespassers will be prosecuted.” The other, south in Laguna where a homeowner screamed at sunbathers, including a child, “Get f—king moving. Get out of here. Now!” whilst she attempted to fashion a rope barrier.

She also yelled, “This is not an Instagram moment place!”

Unfortunately I am no longer to participate in those.

Both were reported to the California Coastal Commission, in any case, with Laguna even paying a visit to the now-famous “Laguna Beach Karen.” KTLA News receiving the statement, “The City of Laguna Beach is aware of an incident involving a resident roping off a section of the beach near her property. Yesterday, two Laguna Beach Park Rangers spoke with the residents, informing them that such behavior is unacceptable regardless of property boundaries and reminding them that any beach-related issues should be reported to the City for mediation. Our community treasures the accessibility and beauty of our beaches, and it is essential that everyone treats each other respectfully to allow for the enjoyment of these spaces.”

But back to our grumpy locals. Do you imagine they will be buoyed by le passion? Laguna Karen a sort of modern Joan of Arc?

There is a fine Joan of Arc statue just down the rue from where I am staying, in Paris, speaking of.

Worth visiting, certainly.

Or does she give grouch a bad name?

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The iconic Andy Irons in Teahupo'o tube. Photo: Pat Stacy
The iconic Andy Irons in Teahupo'o tube. Photo: Pat Stacy

John Florence, Carissa Moore and “co-founder of arch surf website” feature in best mainstream Olympic surf feature ever!

"...It’s also one of the most terrifying waves in the world.”

The countdown is officially on. The second installment of Olympic surfing is slated to run Saturday, possibly continue Sunday then go on hold for nasty winds to die down be we are here. At The End of the Road. Mainstream media interest in this Olympic surfing edition is certainly strong, what with it being contested nearly 10,000 miles away in French Polynesia plus the sheer magnetic weight of Teahupo’o itself to say nothing about the “deadly wave” narrative. Bleed, lead, etc. And while the aforementioned MSM generally mangles our Sport of Queens with it balky metaphors and past-pull-date cliches, New York Magazine just swung in with the best preview yet.

Writer Adam Elder dances between informing a non-surf audience while dealing with all manner of core surf fan vagaries. China’s Siqi Yang having “not been spotted by French Polynesian locals ever surfing at Teahupo’o before” makes an appearance as well as world champ Filipe Toledo exiting “early in at least three past Teahupo’o contests. He simply watched idly as big waves rolled past, and ended up earning low scores.”

Surf photographer legend Tim McKenna, who has called Tahiti home for 22 years and “knows everyone who has (and hasn’t) visited Teahupo’o in the past year to train” goes on record to state, “It’s such a scary wave that if they don’t feel confident, they just won’t take off. I don’t see them charging just for the sake of charging, thinking they can make a name for themselves by doing crazy stuff.”

John John Florence describes the gorgeousness, and horror, of being in that tube:

“It’s really hard to explain how amazing it is once you’re in the barrel of the wave and you’re looking out at all the boats, and the mountains, and the feel of the pressure in the barrel. It’s also one of the most terrifying waves in the world.”

Carissa Moore on the differences between the World Surf League and the Olympics:

The last Olympics definitely exceeded my expectations about how much bigger it felt than a normal event. There’s just a lot of people who don’t normally watch the WSL who watch the Olympics, and they understand what it means to win a gold medal.”

Surfing’s premier and only historian Matt Warshaw on being both a surfer and a surf fan:

“Contests seem so divorced from what surfing means to me when I’m in the water. But as a spectator, I really like when something’s taking place live and there’s something on the line. It’s fun to see who responds to that insane level of pressure, and Olympic pressure is just nuts.”

And arch surf website BeachGrit co-founder Chas Smith on being a recalcitrant jerk:

“The Olympics are definitely not a good thing for people who surf. I think if the Olympics really pops, it could cause another surge in participation. It’s already a mess out there.”

Essential, as Derek Rielly would pen.

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