Chinese wrestler with three-minute breath hold Siqi Yang stuns surf fans at Paris 2024 Teahupoo!

500-1 Olympic longshot Siqi Yang impresses world with gutsy showing at Teahupoo.

The Olympics.

For some, the pinnacle of sporting achievement; for others, the dilution of sporting cultures by pomp and ceremony.

But regardless of stance, there’s potential entertainment for all.

Like in Rio in 2016, when someone lost the keys to the Maracana stadium, and officials had to employ bolt cutters to get fans in.

Or at the same games, when a dodgy contractor poured hydrogen peroxide into the swimming pools and athletes were forced to compete in acid green water.

Or, best of all, in Seoul, 1988, when doves fried.

A flock of doves had been released before the opening ceremony as a symbol of peace. Many settled on the rim of the Olympic torch. I suppose they were expected to move when the torch was lit, but it ignited with such ferocity that the birds had little chance, burning to ash as the crowd looked on and applauded.

Could there be similarly comical disasters for Paris 2024?

Very possibly. But they may occur ten thousand miles away in Tahiti.

The inclusion of surfing in the Olympics is certainly polarising among surf fans. A competition at Teahupo’o is not to be sniffed at, even by the most ardent doubters, but is surfing ready for the stage?

Mainstream interest is at an all time high, and with justification.

There’s the fearsome venue, obviously. The controversy over drilling into prime Tahitian reef to erect a judging tower for a four-day event. The lack of infrastructure to host such a major competition, and the re-purposed cruise ship solution.

All fascinating threads just waiting to be unspooled for the general reader. You might think that a savvy surf writer would have cashed in on some of this in the months and weeks leading to competition. You might think that someone who spends a significant chunk of his time watching and commenting on professional surfing would be able to leverage and recoup some of this time spent.

Some might.

I, most certainly, have not.

The cruise ship concept is fascinating. What might happen in that contained space? Which of our favourites might be fucking and/or fighting?

But for me, well, I just can’t look away from Filipe Toledo.

I pitched two stories, both to the Guardian. The first some months ago, a long read of 5000ish words. A deep dive into the mind of Toledo. An investigation into the uniqueness of this situation, examining sporting parallels, if there were any.

They liked it, it gained some traction, there were discussions. But ultimately they said they didn’t have the budget to send me to Tahiti, and weren’t convinced that Toledo would talk to me.

Fair enough.

The second story was pitched yesterday. A much shorter piece, but on roughly the same subject. I haven’t heard back, so I’ll presume it’s dead in the water.

Perhaps it is too surf-centric an angle. Perhaps a story about ecological catastrophe, the potential death of competitors, or the sex boat moored offshore would have been more suitable.

But for me, the paradox of a man who has utterly mastered one aspect of his sport, yet failed spectacularly in another is endlessly fascinating.

As Chas has oft said, whether Toledo conquers or capitulates, it’s a hell of a story.

But aside from this, what for us, the hoary old men and women of surf fandom?

Well, curiosity, for one.

How will these various non-luminaries of the surf world cope with Teahupo’o? Several in the draw have very limited experience of the wave, and in that we might imagine ourselves, thrust into that position.

Then there’s schadenfreude. We don’t want to see anyone get hurt, of course, but who doesn’t enjoy watching someone other than themselves pitched over the falls?

And then there’s sheer disbelief in the case of China’s Yang Siqi, the girl raised in landlocked China, just fifteen years old, who only saw the sea for the first time six years ago.

(All according to my very cursory research, of course.)

Now, she will be cast into Teahupo’o’s maw. (Or if she’s wise, will simply keep Filipe company in the channel.)

There are several names among the competitors that I am seeing for the very first time. Mainly among the women’s draw, but there are at least a couple of men I could tell you nothing about.

This strikes me as curious, and is certainly a quirk of the Olympics. That being athletes who have little business competing at the highest level might somehow find themselves at the zenith of their chosen sport.

Think Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards, the English ski jumper. A loveable soul, surely, but with no business in ski jumping. Evidenced by finishing dead last in every competition he entered.

Or, my personal favourite, Eric “The Eel” Moussambani, the swimmer from Equatorial Guinea who gasped and splashed his way to a heat win in Sydney 2000 after all his competitors had been disqualified for false starts.

To be fair to Moussambani, it was the first time he’d seen a 50m pool.

Could our very own surfing provide similar comic value in Paris 2024? I like to hope so.

Fancy a bet on it?

Hard to look away from Florence (4/1), Medina (3/1), or Robinson (5/1).

But the forecast is questionable, the stage a little different, and so upsets are possible.

Joao Chianca at 30/1 seems generous to me. He will have the fire and the freshness after missing much of this year.

Or what about Kanoa Igarashi at 50/1? He’s no stranger to Teahupo’o. And if any surfer in the draw fits the mould of an Olympian, it’s him.

And for an even darker horse, try Joan Duru at 80/1.

For the women, I’m struggling to look past Molly Picklum at 10/1. Sure, she’s had an inconsistent year, but she will not hold back. And much like Kanoa, there’s something about her that makes me believe an Olympic medal might mean more to her than some others.

Clearly Vahine Fierro is the favourite (4/1), and Simmers (7/1) is probably worth a punt, too.

I would predict that the majority of the women not currently on the WCT are cannon fodder, but the draw has been unkind (Simmers, Picklum and Weston-Webb all in heat four, for example), and so some super long shots have a chance.

Siqi Yang at 500/1, anyone?

Wouldn’t that be a story!

(Editor’s note: a little strife we got ourselves in means our stories are a little, how you say, late. This came in two days ago. Since then, lil Siqi Yang gave hell to Teahupoo, Filipe caught two pretty good waves and John John/Gabriel, predictably, ruled.)