Australian coach approved.

The 2024 Paris Olympic Games is rounding into the back half of its second week and what a show it has been thus far. From wild boxing controversies to gymnastics fairytales, French flexing to foie gras it has been nothing if not ooh la la. Surfing shortboard, as you know, was included with participants posted up in the middle of the Pacific some 10,000 miles away from the Arc of Triumph.

It was there, in Tahiti, that the United States stomped its reef shoe on history’s neck, the most dominant superpower the sport has ever seen.

You certainly recall the Tokyo Games which were won by the greatest ever surfer Carissa Moore. Now, at the End of the Road, Caroline Marks has backed up the feat with a gold of her own, besting Tatiana Weston-Webb and Johanne Defay in the process.

I attempted to watch at the Red Bull Energy Station which is very near to the Lourve but Finals Day was delayed due lousy-ish surf. Thus, I watched 3 on 3 men’s basketball instead which seems a fine enough game but would be finer if the players called their own fouls like on the playground. If this rule was adopted, the proud nation of Brazil would win every 3 on 3 from here to eternity as the team would miraculously never foul but get fouled on every play.

Back to Marks, though, it is reported that she narrowly beat Brazil’s Weston-Webb with a scoreline of 10.50 over 10.33. The American judges likely receiving many death threats and much poop emoji from the land of Progress and Order. The official Olympics organ attempted to spice up the final, by describing the small surf and shallow barrels, possibly hinting that Weston-Webb was done wrong with the final score?

Who knows.

Marks celebrated American might by declaring, “I’m so honored and so happy, this is just incredible and I’m so emotional. I’m so happy to do this for my family and everyone back home. Wow, I’m just so happy.”

Suck it, world.

Gold, silver, bronzing time.

"Does his wife, the very famous Scarlett Johansson, know island tricks like aloe and lime juice?"

Any surfer worth her salt knows that reef cuts can be worse than they appear, at first. Various coral naughtinesses are generally left in the wound and can quickly develop into dreaded staphylococcal infections unless quick action from Sam George’s ex-wife is taken.

You’ll certainly recall when Arizona’s Rick Kane made his way to Oahu’s North Shore wherein he became pounded, limped to the sand and might have died if not for the quick thinking of Kiani who rubbed aloe into his sores thereby saving his very life.

Romantic.

Back to funnyman Colin Jost, though. You also have, without doubt, been following the tragedy that befell NBC’s roving stringer when he kicked Tahiti’s deadly shoal. He seemed not to think much of it, initially, marching around in the dirt but then things got worse then worse then so badly that he was sent home from “the most dangerous place in the world.”

Since, his social medias have remained dark leaving fans extremely worried.

Does his wife, the very famous Scarlett Johansson, know island tricks like aloe and lime juice?

Unlikely as she was born and raised in New York City.

Jost’s last public interaction was a video posted to Instagram (RIP) featuring him getting pulled into a wave, on Tahiti, by the legendary Matahi Drollet. The regular foot fights the chop, riding to the end though it is unclear if this is the moment that led to his foot becoming eaten.

I have no doubt that Johansson has many resources, but if she needs Nia Peeples’ number, the aforementioned surf guru would be a great place to start.

Light a candle in the meantime, though?