Kauli Vaast beats Australian Jack Robinson to win Olympic gold medal.
Tahiti's Kauli Vaast beats Australian Jack Robinson to win Olympic gold.

Tahiti explodes as local surfer Kauli Vaast beats highly fancied Australian to win Olympic gold!

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

“The dream has come true for France and Tahiti…”

In asmall but theoretically building swell, the Tahitian/French surfer Kauli Vaast has won Olympic gold by easily beating the zeitgeist-y rodent-featured part-time model Jack Robinson. 

Over the course of thirty-five minutes, roughly four set waves broke, Kauli Vaast got two of ’em and Jackie Robinson but one.

The pair sat in a listless ocean for the final fifteen-ish minutes without one wave being ridden.

An anti-climax?

Yeah, sorta, particularly if you felt like Jack Robinson, a man with a raw sexuality generally only noted in big-dicked black guys and who had to mow through John John Florence, Ethan Ewing and Gabriel Medina to get to the final, was destined to hoist Olympic gold.

But, credit where the credit must land.

And, Kauli Vaast, who lives in the little village of Vairao seven or so clicks north of Teahupoo, was a favourite with bookmakers before a wave was even surfed.

Vaast, who is twenty-two and who has been surfing Teahupoo since he was eight, famously humiliated the greatest surfer of all time, Kelly Slater, in 2022, when he surfed a wave switch during their semi-final.

In an excellent interview with my ol pal Pauly Evans a few years back, human Viagra Raimana van Bastolaer described Kauli Vaast as the future and hope of Tahitian surfing. 

Prophetic words.

The gold medal is significant in the battle between countries. It elevates France to third position on the leaderboard above Australia and just behind China and the USA.

Meanwhile, Caroline Marks, USA, and Tatiana Weston-Webb, a sort of quasi-Brazilian, are surfing for women’s gold.

More tomoz when JP Currie awakens and belts the keys.

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Open Thread: Comment Live on Finals Day of Olympic Surfing Shortboard 2024!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Gold, silver, bronzing time.

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Jost (left) and his undoing? Photo: Instagram

Worry grows as Colin Jost remains missing after brutal foot injury forces funnyman home from “most dangerous place in the world”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

"Does his wife, the very famous Scarlett Johansson, know island tricks like aloe and lime juice?"

Any surfer worth her salt knows that reef cuts can be worse than they appear, at first. Various coral naughtinesses are generally left in the wound and can quickly develop into dreaded staphylococcal infections unless quick action from Sam George’s ex-wife is taken.

You’ll certainly recall when Arizona’s Rick Kane made his way to Oahu’s North Shore wherein he became pounded, limped to the sand and might have died if not for the quick thinking of Kiani who rubbed aloe into his sores thereby saving his very life.

Romantic.

Kiani (played by Nia Peeples) shows Rick Kane how to handle the fever.
Kiani (played by Nia Peeples) shows Rick Kane how to handle the fever.

Back to funnyman Colin Jost, though. You also have, without doubt, been following the tragedy that befell NBC’s roving stringer when he kicked Tahiti’s deadly shoal. He seemed not to think much of it, initially, marching around in the dirt but then things got worse then worse then so badly that he was sent home from “the most dangerous place in the world.”

Since, his social medias have remained dark leaving fans extremely worried.

Does his wife, the very famous Scarlett Johansson, know island tricks like aloe and lime juice?

Unlikely as she was born and raised in New York City.

Jost’s last public interaction was a video posted to Instagram (RIP) featuring him getting pulled into a wave, on Tahiti, by the legendary Matahi Drollet. The regular foot fights the chop, riding to the end though it is unclear if this is the moment that led to his foot becoming eaten.

I have no doubt that Johansson has many resources, but if she needs Nia Peeples’ number, the aforementioned surf guru would be a great place to start.

Light a candle in the meantime, though?

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No sunscreen for over-60 demigod Laird Hamilton.
No sunscreen for over-60 demigod Laird Hamilton.

World’s sexiest over-60 Laird Hamilton on the dangers of sunscreen, “Spray a plant with it and it dies!”

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

“I don't use sunscreen, never have used sunscreen. It stops my ability to absorb the sun.”

The well-proportioned surf star Laird Hamilton, a man who has been a study in good health and beauty for sixty years and who regularly features on “world’s sexiest” lists, has come out and said what a surprising number of high-profile surfers believe, that sunscreen ain’t so great. 

Our hero lives in Malibu in summer, Maui in winter, and therefore consumes much sun.

Has it killed him?

On the contrary,

“If there’s no sun, there’s no life. I solar gaze, I’m into solar gazing. I go early in the morning, when I can, and watch the sun. It affects my whole system. I don’t use sunscreen, never have used sunscreen. I’m not a big fan of sunscreen because it’s stopping my ability to absorb the sun,” says Laird.

He describes the effects of sun exposure as being very similar to reading BeachGrit, ie, anti-depressive.

“You just know how it affects you. If it’s raining for three weeks, I can tell you, like when I go get in a blue sky with the sun, I’m like, oh yeah, it’s like I bathe in it. The sun’s the king.”

If you don’t believe him, Laird suggests a simple experiment.

“Take a plant in the garden and spray it with sunscreen for a month and then see what happens. The thing dies,” he says. “If you think you’re not as connected to the sun as the plant is are you’re crazy. I mean we have all these diseases that you get when you’re not in the sun, besides depression. We have actual sicknesses that are from not enough sunlight. We’re all connected to the sun and we all should have a relationship.”

If you don’t wanna take it from Laird Hamilton, you just peel open a history book, he says.

“You know, they say that we’re the first culture in history that doesn’t worship the sun. We fear it. We hide. We put on sunscreen.”

I lean towards Laird on this topic, as I do on most, and prefer a little zinc on the beak and the décolletage while wearing scoop necks but rarely touch the white compounds that get smeared on backs, faces and limbs.

So far so good.

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For Dylan Graves no wave is too big, too out of the way, cold or, in the case of a joint called God’s Crack in Japan, too dangerous.

On eve of Gold Medal showdown at Teahupoo, world-record surfer reveals an even more dangerous wave in Japan!

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

A place where one slip-up could put you in your tomb, your death mask like a tomato surprise that just exploded.

The adventures of the marathon-talking Dylan Graves in his pursuit of the wildest waves on earth have been well-documented on BeachGrit. 

Who could blame us for falling for a man so fascinatingly alive, and who carries a year-round healthy bronze glow, who puts women in a sweat and men who’d formerly never been shackled by another man, under his spell. No wave too big, too out of the way, cold or, in the case of a joint called God’s Crack in Japan, too dangerous. 

We’ve come close to losing Dylan Graves to his passion for dangerous waves before, of course. Only seven months ago, he almost fell to his death exploring “extreme” Brittany, a peninsula in the north-west of France with two thousand miles of surfable coastline.

In today’s video, which falls under the Dylan Graves YouTube channel and not Surfline, our Puerto Rican hero with the little bones but big muscles challenges himself to ride God’s Crack, a wave where one slip-up could put you in your tomb, your death mask like a tomato surprise that just exploded. 

Essential. 

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Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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