Tahitian surfer dubbed “Incomparable” by Ivanka Trump reveals outrageous wave count at Kelly Slater Surf Ranch

"The selfless act of a man who, Jesus-like, would rather give than receive, a power bottom in a world of jackrabbit power tops."

Is there a surfer that needs less of an introduction than the man eighties super-gal Cindy Crawford described as “Human Viagara” for his ability to “get anyone up” at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch, including ol Cin, but also Doja Cat and Ivanka Trump who described him as “incomparable”?

Raimana van Bastolaer, how many ways can I love thee, from your adolescence spent driving a little bodyboard at the modest black sand beachbreak Paparā to towing the biggest Teahupoo could throw at you to spending the last ten years delivering the sweetest gift of all to the world, the gift of surfing.

Raimana is a man of middle age, let’s call it fifty to be safe-ish. He will surf behind the beginner at the Slater pool, steadying them with his strong brown hands, issuing instructions, support, and as the wave moves onto the shallow part of the bank at Surf Ranch will compress their hips into the correct lowered stance before pin-dropping off the wave allowing the learner to enjoy a vision that used to be reserved for a wildly select few.

In a post made to fellow surfer Mark Zuckerberg’s platform Instagram earlier today, Raimana revealed the actual number of waves he has caught solo since the joint opened in 2015. 

 

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A post shared by Raimana Van Bastolaer (@raimanaworld)

And it ain’t pretty.

Somewhere between six and eight.

Yeah. Ten years. Forty weeks of the year, say, around one wave every eighteen months. And all while living in unpretty, inland Lemoore where the only fun y’gonna get is throwing cash at the flashing slots in the Reservation casino.

Are you struck by the cruelty too?

Or is it not cruelty at all, for his masters would be thrilled to give Raimana all he needs, but the selfless act of a man who, Jesus-like, would rather give than receive, a power bottom in a world of jackrabbit power tops, flipping the heteronormative script etc?

Are you power bottom or power top?