Sydney surfers dry-heave after revelation of giant “fatberg” spewing poo and drugs into lineups

"The size of four buses, that would be the maximum potential extent of it."

Two years ago, or thereabouts, a real mystery unfurled around Sydney, Australia. Little balls of stinky goo began clogging otherwise pristine lineups. Initially thought to have been the result of an oil spill, science quickly discovered they actually consisted of human fecal matter, cooking oil, soap scum, fingernail clippings, margarine and drugs.

Specialists were brought in to clean up Randwick, just south of Bondi, Mayor Dylan Parker declaring, The community was a bit bemused, seeing men in orange suits, emu-picking along their beach. But we did that just to be safe. We found out that it wasn’t a dangerous source, but we didn’t know that at the time.”

Conventional thinking, at the time, was that it was a one time curiosity. Hours ago, however, it was revealed that the “fatballs” actually came from a giant “fatberg” lodged in the sewer system.

Sydney Water managing director Darren Cleary shared, “We don’t know exactly how big the fatberg is. The size of four buses, that would be the maximum potential extent of it. It may be that, it may be slightly smaller. We don’t exactly know.”

Unfortunately, most of the fatberg is impossible to reach. “There’s a component of that tunnel which we can’t safely access,” Cleary continued, before shrugging and proclaiming, “I can’t guarantee there won’t be debris balls in the future. We are doing what we can to minimise the risk of that occurring. We certainly do apologise for the inconvenience that it’s caused.”

And that is that. Sydney surfers forced to simply accept yuck-yucks in the lineup like they do bull sharks.

Dark days down under.

Would you continue your surfing odyssey under such conditions or abandon for lawn bowling?