"Looks like the GOAT has been indulging."
Surf fans have taken to their keyboards to lightly roast new daddy Kelly Slater, fifty-four, who was the victim of unfortunate photo choice in a carousel of photos for the one-time craft beer brand Stone and Wood, a small-time brewer slammed by other indepenents after if sold the biz to titan Lion Brewery.
In the carousel, Stone and Wood opens with a shot of the eleven-time champion of the world, a still not visually unarousing sight if we’re to be honest.
Still there are the piercing green eyes, the mountainous topography of biceps and deltoids, and the bunching of Outerknown nylon around where, presumably, a proud, thick penis, saddled onto a heavy sac, lay in its bed of curling midnight hair.
The comments, though pointing out the excess of adipose tissue around Kelly Slater’s lower midsection, were gentle in their roast.
Goat with the belly still surfs magical loopty loops around everyone.
Thought that was Michael Ho, but turns out I t’s Jimmy Slade.
Nice paunch.
Looks like the GOAT has been indulging.
Less kind to fatties is Kelly Slater himself, if you’ll recall his troll of TikTok queen Adi Gutirrez who is famous for her epic “What I Ate Today” videos.
Adi is a “Fatty” influencer with an appetite that won’t quit.
In her posts, the two-fifty pounder with the pretty face, dewy skin and well-manicured eyebrows details the delicious treats she inhales in the course of a day which are, wrapped, mostly, in sugar and saturated fats.
In response to one, Kelly Slater, known for his commitment to good health and who is ageing at a rate far less than the average human being, a man whose online feuds are legendary, pounced on the absurdity of her diet.
“This is sad,” wrote Slater.
The bassoon-voiced WSL commentator Ronnie Blakey gave me a little taste of fat shaming some years ago while on an aeroplane to Fiji for a Globe contest. Relaxed at the very rear of the plane in one of the crew’s jump seats and staring out of the little convex window, Ron photographed me with stomach muscles relaxed, the fine cotton of an expensive t-shirt stretched by the vilest of pot bellies.
Within seconds, Ron triumphantly shared the photo with the rest of the gang. So much laughter it seemed, briefly, the plane might capsize.
You ever been the victim of a fat shame?
Did it hurt?
Or you ok?
Commented on Disqus? Log out, tap the Disqus button, and your old name and comments come back. The box is ours.
Your comments are still here. Every one of them.
Twelve years of BeachGrit comments came across from Disqus. Connect and we will show you how many are yours. We get your username, nothing else.
Connect Disqus to reveal.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
balls enough to fire KS! it was a long time coming…
truth is , the chubby Hawaiian looking guy in the lineup always shreds w/ style , and the thin as a rail dude more often than not looks like the upper and lower half of his body aren’t on speaking terms
sc has been cool w/ me , but then again I loved DSS&S , so maybe take it w/ large grain of salt
Digging into that Foster Wallace essay.
“Television is the way it is simply because people tend to be really similar in their
vulgar and prurient and stupid interests and wildly different in their refined
and moral and intelligent interests. It’s all about syncretic diversity: neither
medium nor viewers are responsible for quality.
Still, for the fact that American humans consume vulgar, prurient, stupid
stuff at the sobering clip of six hours a day, for this both TV and we need
to answer. We are responsible basically because nobody is holding any
weapons on us forcing us to spend amounts of time second only to sleep
doing something that is, when you come right down to it, not good for us.
Sorry to sound judgmental, but there it is: six hours a day is not good.”
Just replace ‘Television’ with ‘BeachGrit’ and ‘American humans’ with ‘the commenters’ and we have a great diagnosis for most of us on here.
Good point , although I guess that’s the human condition in a nutshell – at least it’s not heroin
oath
don’t want a fan base that doesn’t offer “a new drug.” but writing while micro-stoned is truely an art! as a health educator i say: Give me all your drugs for safe-keepin, and they keep comin back..
Now dat’s a fan base, no?
Manu checklist-
Tyler jokes : check
Backup Tyler jokes in case of moderation : check
two slabs a piss : check
one 7.5 12 guage round in case of Tyler win : check
screenshots of dagged sheep to nullify moderator into a lust zone.
see you then Cuntoes
I look forward to seeing you at the next event because there is a o.000.000% chance Tyler wins.
Guardiola is finally gone. Fuck, that was a long 10 years.
@BograilCutback:disqus https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Terrifying lol
Am I PT’s bastard lovechild. Personally fan of a less saturated salmon or peach, but this will make do.
Welcome to BG on a Friday night.
****BRING POPCORN****
Dad bod. No shame in that. Belly Slater rolls right off the tongue.
Jokes aside….this guy at 68 yrs. old can out-paddle and out-surf 99% of the surfers on this planet….and 100% of the commenters on Beach Grit.
suck in your guts lads.
All Bought and paid for.
Fat cunt
Yet you’ll put the boot in about nicking himself because he’s a depressed cunt?
Yet again. Refer to my previous comment.
Better?
Yeah. It is.
Ahhh, fuck him. He’s too proud to accept the pity of another man. I don’t blame him. I am too. But I’m not the one that people treat as fragile.
You’ve proven your mettle today alright.
The first time I snap back you fold like a card tower.
If you mean what you say then stop deleting your comments.
And you sure seem to have a hardon for me given you claim not to remember anything I’ve written. Not sure that quite squares with your trolling.
I deleted comments because I was aware you’re the type to nick themself.
I don’t remember a thing you’ve written. That’s evidence of your failed effort to entertain, inspire or inform. Which in turn is evidence that you’re a very, very average writer. And unfortunately I think that writing is your identity.
Obsessed? You’ve been replying to my comments- unfavourably – despite my forgetting you existed. Think you’ve got things arse about, Champ.
Negatron can repost my comments if he likes. He was never a fan of the deletions.
You seem to be under the impresion that you said something impactful?
When the reality is you’re just embarrassed.
Not sure why you think you’re winning here, bloke. You’re the cunt that everyone has on suicide watch.
Not sure that’s winning.
More fantasist pish.
Keep going. You’re doing so well.
This is why internet chat sucks. Everyone has an excuse.
Cant just say “hey, I was a bit cunty, so I pulled it”
What have you read of Jp’s out of interest?
What the serious fuck with all the deleting again? I’m going back onto the bring Strayan Cunt back train immediately if you’re going to keep letting your lover delete his shit after many warnings.
Yikes! Friday night, in 5th gear!
Friday morning for me, mate.
Got out of bed on the right side.
More like you woke up under a newspaper on a park bench, trying vainly to peel your eyes open from where they’ve been glued shut by the tacky cum of some homeless cunt you sucked off to get five bucks to back a nag.
Go on, have a little more slack in that rope.
The Ameglian Major Cow
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
In the restaurant at the end of the universe
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
OKey
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
dOKey…
Never good when your back looks like a pack of raw hotdogs.
And I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I haven’t written here in quite some time.
I’m a bit confused as to why you’re so obsessed with me.
No, I hadn’t noticed that you hadn’t written on here in some time.
What’s that tell you?
I, for one, miss your occasional articles and contest write-ups, JP. Hopefully you’re doing well.
ditto
By making habitual snide and unsubstantiated digs anonymously on an internet forum…
This should be behind a paywall! Awesome stuff
Blowin vs JP.! Friday night at Tower 9!
JP just came out of that Scottish mist like Mel Gibson in Braveheart.
More like he exposed himself like that brittle fat cunt in Full Monty.
He will like your comment though. Might keep him off the end of a rope for a day or so. Though it’s hard to imagine William Wallace weeping around the backstreets of Glasgow trying to fill a repeat on his off-brand antidepressants because his life is too beige.
C’mon, mate. You’re taking it too far now.
There’s simply no need to go there at all. You’ll have made a fuckin feud out of a simple disagreement.
Rather read through SC’s shit than this lover’s quarrel.
BG is achieving something if it’s making me feel the same sensation I get when two full-grown men are arguing about who gets to splish splash first on moving bodies of water.
The image people have of me is fat pasty white dude in a pink speedo. Built my own grave there.
You mean you don’t enjoy perusing through the comments and trying to paste it all together because some dumb cunt can’t stand behind what he says and keeps deleting shit, all while Negs bans SC because he’s annoying? Fucking outrageous double standard going on here as the deleting is far more annoying and cuntier than anything Strayan has ever posted. Get Gila and his deleting the fuck out of here way before sending Strayan Cunt off. Too bad Negs has some sort of love affair going for Gila and his racist ways.
agree about the comment deleting. ignorant to Blowy’s purported racism at this point in time. SC never really annoyed me. Better him than Otto or JSC. Negs may put me in a pink speedo but I get the choice. Maybe I’m just a passive sieve.
Blowy, you’re better than that. Disagree about SC getting banned again but this spat between you and JP is beneath you. I don’t like being patronized either but if that’s how some dude gets his socks off over an internet forum let him look the fool, not you. Don’t delete the comments btw, it diminishes the good work you do on here.
I liked his contest write ups. I also liked SC’s brand of online larrikinism. Kumbaya?
I don’t have an opinion on your life.
You’re just an anonymous troll, remember?
Oh, you’re right.
It’s so much better round here with you flexing your try-hard prose below the line.
Please sir, won’t you tell me what the ocean looks like? I hear it’s very big!
@disqus_0O31jZ0IAC:disqus still hasn’t fessed up why he was banned from Swellnet and forced to comment here. Sorry, now that you’re not writing here.
Sounds like troll behaviour
personally, I’ve always enjoyed your writing. the variety of articles is what makes this place happen, especially with contributing articles/wrap ups by you, bygone days articles by Rocks and even political stuff by Weber. would love to see a bit more of you on here….and Warshaw. miss Jen See as well.
Appreciate it.
And yeah, some bright moments in lots of corners over the years.
honestly, don’t know what Blowin is on about. most of us come from an era when Cavvy, Chans Ghost, Wiggs, the Gorilla, Pauly, he who shall not be named and many more imaginative, literate and creative core commented here.
It’s like this cat is saying he can’t enjoy Thompson, Vonnegut or Robbins because he reads Eco, Clavell and Michener. I honestly don’t get his argument.
definitely some bright moments and you’ve ruled many.
looks like the contest is on tommoz. be there or B2.
I’m not trying to be obtuse. I had no intentions of starting a feud but if he wants to get bitchy he will get some back….thats the BG way isn’t it? I honestly have no recollection of his writing. This tells me it’s forgettable. For it to be forgettable it must be uninspired. I know he was a writer on here but I only remember him from below the line.
I know most of those names but never took much interest in who was who. The bibliography of characters takes a bit of vested time to develop.
I remember yourself and Hippy. Good commenters. Experienced and interesting.
My primary notion of CMM was his gambling addiction and moaning about life. Reassurances and well wishes from the crowd.
Sympathy
Yet somehow you seem to remember lots of personal information and tropes of my writing. Funny that
So you’re claiming not to have read or enjoyed anything penned by JP Currie? That’s a bit hard to believe and seems a shtick as opposed to containing any honesty. Yet you know that Happy is LGR?
Wiggs was one of the funniest ever. Not sure how he came up with some of the shit he did.
Pauly had rice paper skin. If you gave someone the wrong pro-noun he would cry. Plus the memes were so played out.
….but that was the glory of it. I would imagine most fo then commenters here are 50+, mostly well traveled and pretty set in their opinions whereas Pauly was a Millennial Twink, so it was fun to see his POV on things. did some great memes too.
the nicest guy to ever grace the chat was Scott San Diego….
….but for me legend of legends is KVF. what a wit that guy has.
Runnin high and surfin high go hand-in-hand, though runnin man “has a bigger playin field with no waves.” Stoned on a flat sea is my cup o’ gold~JP has convinced me otherwise. always, DSS&S
runnin man is a great dance for White Dudes for Harris
YMCA!
Blowin was so obnoxious and generally intolerable that folks were cancelling their subscriptions at Swellnet – so Stu had to ban him, good riddance in my opinion as the shitcunt was a detriment to the entire site, as he is here.
That’s some sooky behaviour.
Jeezuz YOU…calling someone else a “shitcunt “
today has been one for the ages on here.
Yes, I have been refining my Australian slang for greater impact – “shitcunt” works better on Australians, as it is one of the few descriptions the average Australian can readily understand while “asshole” works better on Americans
Who’s this knob jockey?
This is my house, cunt
I’m a fan of your tenacity, John. Don’t ever leave us.
Only a couple more years until the team principals pull the plug.
It’s wet and hard to walk on.
And you don’t see the contradiction between anonymity and posting too frequent, overlong comments and shite little stories every day?
We see you. Don’t worry.
Ah, right. I see.
You’re old as fuck!
And still no-one has noticed you.
Never too late.