A man "pooed in his cap" for Christ's sake!

In a shocking report from yesterday’s Gold Coast Bulletin, Aussies have been getting super fucking wasted.

The drunkards are part of a traditional Aussie beach culture known as Surf Lifesaving Clubs. For our American and Pakistani readers, a Lifesaving Club is where adults cover their head with a funny-looking hat, wrap a hammock around their banana and play fun games at the beach. Parents then force their kids to enroll in Nippers and the cycle continues.

I don’t believe a Lifesaving Club member has ever saved an actual life, but I could be wrong.

Anyhow, it sounds like sporting ridiculous attire and rowing around in a little boat wasn’t enough for certain individuals. They wanted excitement, freedom, and a host of potential lawsuits brought on by their drunken antics. Let’s read from the Gold Coast Bulletin:

Queensland’s Office of Liquor and Gaming Regulation is being asked to intervene after receiving complaints about fights between patrons, alleged overcapacity at indoor venues and use of outdoor keg storage areas for supporters’ clubs.

Photographs show several young men and women using a makeshift ladder to gain entry to the deck at the Tugun Surf Life Saving Club during the national titles.

Resident Terry Camp said he and others in the street watched as patrons were ejected from the club and went to the southeast corner of the building where they placed temporary footpath barriers against the wall to use as ladders.

And this is appalling! Grown adults who dress like something out of Pee-wee Herman’s wet dream should not be acting in such a fashion. I, for one, am ashamed on behalf of all Aussies but it doesn’t end here. Oh no, this issue of drunk Lifesavers is a chronic issue in today’s world. We’ll continue with the GCB:

A Gold Coast Bulletin report in May detailed how a Queenscliff surf club member “pooed in his cap” at an event at the Currumbin RSL after boaties went on a Mad Monday binge drinking tour of the Glitter Strip during the cancelled national titles.

And what the fucking shit? Kick a wombat and call me bogan but do not insult the jimmy hat.

To poo in one’s cap is not only an affront to the celebrated history of Lifesavers, but to the Australian continent as a whole. It’s the equivalent of strangling a bald eagle in America or supporting women’s rights in Pakistan. Absolutely disgusting.

A commenter named Cathy said it best: “[Lifesaving clubs] lost their family image years ago. Booze, pokies and hot chips. Nothing to do with surf safety.”

What have you to say for yourself, Australia?