"I hear you Turp n Pottz. I see you Michel Bourez. Nice squirt off the bottom, Spartan."
"I hear you Turp n Pottz. I see you Michel Bourez. Nice squirt off the bottom, Spartan." | Photo: @kook_of_the_day

Unicorn: The non-surfing surf fan!

For years the WSL has promised a non-endemic embrace. Is it here?

Now, ever since the Association of Surfing Professionals changed itself to the World Surf League and made its goal to grow the competitive surf audience outside those who actually surf, I’ve been chuckling. Sometimes my chuckle manifested itself as a snide under the breath sort of thing like when Gabriel Medina paddled out on a Samsung surfboard while his step-father Charlie guided him from the beach.

Sometimes it rolled into a full-bellied laugh like when ex-WSL CEO Paul Speaker did anything at all.

But it has always been there, bubbling, because what sane non-surfing person could ever be convinced that the best waste of their time is watching competitive surfing? It is barely ok for you and me and we are full blown tards. And so I chuckle and chuckle and chuckle thinking the non-surfing surf fan doesn’t exist…

…until this morning when the chuckle was snatched from my tard mouth and I was presented with a unicorn. The world’s first non-surfing surf fan. Let us turn to Forbes magazine for her story.

It’s my goal in life to travel to as many places as possible. Unfortunately, after almost drowning when I was 12, I’ve consistently done everything I could to avoid beaches due to my paralyzing fear of the ocean. Considering that most of the world is made up of water, 13 years later, I finally realized that I was limiting myself to so many life experiences and something had to change.

Since most of my friends and family have tried to teach me how to swim by guiding me straight into the water, I figure I’d switch up my strategy this time around by watching and learning first. That’s where the Volcom Pipe Pro held on Hawaii’s North Shore in Oahu came into play. It was the first surf competition I’ve ever seen and the sport completely changed my outlook on the ocean.

Seeing these athletes ride wave after wave was mesmerizing, but at the same time, there was no sense of arrogance among any of them. They showed me that it’s not about controlling or dominating the water, all you have to do is respect it.

The author, a younger woman, goes on to take a surf lesson and conquer her fears etc. but her way in, her door, was through watching competitive surfing. Is she the first? Are all the eggs ex-WSL CEO Paul Speaker delicately laid ready to hatch? Are ego-less professional surfers ready to become the biggest sports’ stars on earth?

I did not see this coming.

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Nick Carroll
Nick Carroll
8 years ago

I’m still wondering what happened to the Ambassador of Stoke and Leisure.

Otto
Otto
8 years ago
Reply to  Nick Carroll

Last anyone has seen him, he was on his way to Honolulu to submit the WSL’s amended permit application for Pipeline. His cellphone records indicate he made one stop at the Weedmaps house but never reached his destination.

Eddie Haiku
Eddie Haiku
8 years ago

Nope!

Dogsnuts
Dogsnuts
8 years ago

Paul Sargeant is a unicorn.

Chas Smith
Chas Smith
8 years ago

Why do you?

Dogsnuts
Dogsnuts
8 years ago
Reply to  Chas Smith

Can’t afford 0.20c an article?

Otto
Otto
8 years ago

WSL: “Life’s a Beach. You don’t have to be a surfer to join the herd” https://uploads.disquscdn.c…

Billy Joe
Billy Joe
8 years ago

Yah… but this was a Volcom event. If this young lady had to deal with WSL commentary she would of bounced.

Tom
Tom
8 years ago

Ahhhhhh Chas fuck I really miss the sheer lunacy of Speaker and his beautiful roses – Sophie just not the same to take the piss really.

IslandLibertarian
IslandLibertarian
8 years ago

My Nihonjin girlfriend, a paraglider and world traveler non-surfer, is totally into watching WSL & NFL….for years…the down side, after JJF & Peyton Manning, I come in third…😎

PacificNorthPest
PacificNorthPest
8 years ago

“Seeing these athletes … there was no sense of arrogance among any of them. They showed me that it’s not about controlling or dominating the water, all you have to do is respect it.”

Oh naive little lamb, sing your songs of innocence!!!

Moreton Bay Porridge
Moreton Bay Porridge
8 years ago

sometimes i just try and bait the german surfers that now work in stores to see what kind of bullshit information i can bleed out of them

PacificNorthPest
PacificNorthPest
8 years ago

I like it. Nothing quite like the innocent earnestness of a misinformed German

PacificNorthPest
PacificNorthPest
8 years ago

Is that France where Germans work in surf shops?

Moreton Bay Porridge
Moreton Bay Porridge
8 years ago

yep. and surprisingly, in australia.

Jen See
Jen See
8 years ago

best encounter with german tourists! i was at rincon. two bros were sitting near me. one dude gets a wave and fails. like, just doesn’t even make it two feet. the other bro in perfect germglish says, ‘you gotta pump da legs.’

Moreton Bay Porridge
Moreton Bay Porridge
8 years ago
Reply to  Jen See

i used to work with this german dude who’d habitually pronounce biscuits as ‘biskqwits’. river surfing has come a loooong way.

mundus
mundus
8 years ago

Never happen, a lot of surfers find televised surfing boring, how are nonsurfers gonna find it entertaining?

Firelipe Torpedo
Firelipe Torpedo
8 years ago

I’m super bummed about how bad Surf’s Up 2 was ☹️

Albino Pelican
Albino Pelican
8 years ago

Once all the contests are held in Slater tanks we’ll be there. If the average person can be entertained enough by figure skating not to turn the channel, then surely scheduled surfing (if packaged right) can capture their attention.

KNOBBER
KNOBBER
8 years ago
Reply to  Albino Pelican

There is only one reason to watch figure skating. If you can talk Fanning into wearing this in Slaters shitty pool I’ll watch that too! https://uploads.disquscdn.c…

Greebnurt Hurkurmurgurt
Greebnurt Hurkurmurgurt
8 years ago
Reply to  KNOBBER

I’d rather watch the women surfers wear outfits like this than Mick Fanning.

Eddie Haiku
Eddie Haiku
8 years ago
Reply to  Albino Pelican

You watch figure skating?

Moreton Bay Porridge
Moreton Bay Porridge
8 years ago
Reply to  Albino Pelican
bitter guy
bitter guy
8 years ago

Dougie Silva, 2nd Reef Allentown? or is that Carrol pre Quik?

Craven Morehead
Craven Morehead
8 years ago
Reply to  bitter guy

Carroll in his “Instinct” era

Jen See
Jen See
8 years ago

those shorts are 🔥🔥

bitter guy
bitter guy
8 years ago

he actually looks tall

NEGATRON
NEGATRON
8 years ago
Reply to  bitter guy

Probably the only benefit of surfing 1/2 foot slop.

PacificNorthPest
PacificNorthPest
8 years ago
Reply to  bitter guy

That’s not Doug Silva, he had 1/2 that muscle on him in 1985.

bitter guy
bitter guy
8 years ago

would have helped him get in early on those 2nd reef bombs out the back

PacificNorthPest
PacificNorthPest
8 years ago
Reply to  bitter guy

Given how he vacuumed up every set and every scrap at Pill Box whilst the crowd sat around thumbs in arses, Doug clearly needed LESS help catching waves 😉

Return of the Samsung Board
Return of the Samsung Board
8 years ago

You may laugh at my relationship with Gabby, but I AM THE FUTURE

Wiggolly's Paddling Style
Wiggolly's Paddling Style
8 years ago

Put a little two stroke engine on the back and I’m in. Ps don’t buy DHD’s they are shit.

Pelado
Pelado
8 years ago

Is there also a Samsung foil? Or a Samsung Sup with wifi. & full hd screen?

Karl Von Fanningstadt
Karl Von Fanningstadt
8 years ago

“There was no sense of arrogance among any of them.”
I’m guessing she’s neither seen Gabby’s claims nor read an interview with one Jordan Michael Smith as subject…


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