Like True Detective only sicker.
Like True Detective only sicker.

Horrifying: Mysterious serial killer, likely a surfer, decapitating baby Great White sharks and ritualistically displaying their mangled bodies in and around Cape Town!

Baby shark chop, chop, chop, chop the head...

I’ve warned you all, for months now, to stay out of the water for it is the sharks’ domain, Great White, Tiger and Bull, and they are evolving at a ruthlessly terrifying pace. Learning to keep their fins below the water in order to dodge detection. Learning to prefer men over women and not just for grossly sexist reasons but because physiology. Body mass, meat on the bones etc.

Well, some sick, twisted pervert in Cape Town, South Africa somehow dreamed that his human evolution was greater than the mighty Great White’s and took the detente there to serially kill and decapitate many of babies/juveniles but don’t take my word for it. Let us read directly from Cape Town’s own News24.

Dozens of headless sharks were found dumped on Strandfontein beach in Cape Town on Sunday morning.

According to Cape of Good Hope SPCA, the sharks were found with their heads, dorsal fins and tails severely injured. The SPCA said it had received a call to respond to the area from Law Enforcement and City of Cape Town officials earlier in the day.

The team’s inspectors arrived on scene and found the sharks laying on the shore, SPCA said in a Facebook post.

It added that the circumstances surrounding the incident were being investigated.

Now, my worry, our worry, is how the vicious Great White parents of these murdered minors will evolve yet again to deal with this ill-thought spree.

Could Austin Powers’ Dr. Evil’s prophecy not be far off?

Sharks with lasers?

More as the story develops.

Eco-Terrorism: Surfers expose, colonize, destroy one-time bucolic island paradise of Bali!

Heaps thirsty.

During that final roll call, when all of the good and all of the bad of all our lives is placed upon the scales, will surfers, as a group, emerge as a beneficial sect or scurrilous trash? On the positive side we might find gifting humanity a healthy fear of Great White sharks. On the negative, maybe even on top of a very large pile including, but not limited to, Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch plow, there will certainly be the exposure, colonization and destruction of one-time paradise Bali.

Oh we’ve all been and many of us have even taken advantage of favorable economic disparities to live gilded lives with swimming pools, servants, etc. that would have been altogether impossible in the United States or Australia. That would have never even been dreamed but there, in Bali, rupiah raining down from the sky, we practiced yoga on teak decks overlooking pristine breaks. We surfed and hash-tagged #blessed.

Well, all those swimming pools etc., all those advertisements for a perfect life attracted tourist hordes who are draining Bali of her waters and let us read hard truths. Let us look our sin directly in the eye.

Tourists are being blamed for a shortage of freshwater in drought-stricken Bali, which has seen more than half its rivers run dry.

The holiday island is still waiting for its delayed wet season to begin as a drought that’s affecting an estimated 50 million people across Indonesia continues to threaten food security, local culture and quality of life, Al-Jazeera reports.

Some 260 of Bali’s 400 rivers have run dry and the island’s largest water reserve, Lake Buyan, had dropped 3.5 metres. Meanwhile, the falling water table is causing saltwater intrusion in many areas across the island, especially in the south.

“I believe Bali is in real danger,” local journalist Anton Muhajir, who has been covering Bali’s water crisis, told Al-Jazeera.

“Some of my friends have had to move from their ancestral homes in Denpasar because the water in their wells has turned salty. At Jatiluwih, where thousands of tourists go each day to see the most beautiful rice terraces of Bali, farmers are using plastic pipes to pump in water they have to buy in the south because the springs in the mountains are drying up.

“And now we have drought, not just in Bali but in nearly every province in Indonesia.”

The blame has fallen on Bali’s tourism industry, which uses about 65 per cent of the island’s water, according to the Indonesian non-government organisation IDEP Foundation.


And shame.

Shame on me. Shame on you. Shame on Taylor Steele who once lived in Bali with his family but only a little bit of shame because I sure would like a Christmas bottle of his organic sipping tequila Solento and…

…wait just a minute. What if tequila was served on Bali instead of water? What if the rivers, streams and reservoirs ran with 100% agave goodness?

Could surfers actually save Bali?

More as the story develops.

“I sometimes wake up and feel totally alone in the world. I think it happens to people that have had great success in their life. I feel super alone, and people don’t quite relate to me.” | Photo: @sensitiveseashellcollector

Kelly Slater: “I sometimes wake up and feel totally alone in the world…people don’t quite relate to me.”

Eleven-time champ opens up on Olympic podcast. “The way to fill that hole in my heart was just to win.”

Remember back in July 2018 when Parko announced his retirement at J-Bay, and Slater immediately plonked his own end date announcement (end of 2019) down on top like it was a game of Snap?

(Read: Of Course: Kelly Slater Steals Parko’s Thunder here.)

T’was much outrage at the time. Kelly controlling the narrative, smothering yet another moment to make it his own.

The evil king’s magic mirror etc.

(Kelly said he was so inspired by Joel’s announcement he wanted to follow suit.)

Recriminations aside, it now is the end of 2019.

And Slater’s still back and forth on his retirement like a yo yo.

Will he or won’t he? The question has dominated two of his three decades in the biz.

Maybe it’s a case of Kelly’s infamous mind games. But at this late stage in his career whose head is he getting in to, other than his own?

Or could it be genuine indecision? The bizarre Sound Waves episode still looms large in our rear view. What was left of his veneer was peeled back way too far for comfort.

Was the GOAT really taking life advice from a faith healer? Could our king really be that… vulnerable?

The Olympic podcast may provide some answers.

This semi-regular offering has again smashed through the WSL’s wall of positive noise like a doped up Ruski. The unaffected, spartan illumination of its subject matter is of a class E-Lo and his saccharine sweet offerings could only dream.

It’s the ‘Enough Rope’ style of  interviewing: if you give the subject enough rope they’ll hang themselves.

Kelly’s certainly not turned into a spectacle as he was in Sound Waves, intentionally or otherwise.

Like with Owen Wright before him, Kiwi journo Ash Tulloch gives Kelly space to breathe. And we get to dig a little deeper into what drives the goat.

But are we just looking at another mirror? Another patented Kelly smoke show?

Make your own judgement, here.

(A quick aside on Dave Prodan’s new WSL podcast. Dave comes across as a nice guy with core credentials. The intent is there. But the interviews still play out like extended post heats. No new stones are unturned. The decision not to grill Toledo on his big-wave game, despite multiple opportunities, was telling. There’s a way to go yet.)

Some highlights:

On his early career (Kelly speaks about his poor upbringing, and negative influences in his early life on tour): “The way to fill that hole in my heart was just to win.”

On being Kelly Slater:
“I sometimes wake up and feel totally alone in the world. I think it happens to people that have had great success in their life. I feel super alone, and people don’t quite relate to me.”

On his legacy:
“If I’m not happy with what I’ve done (in my career) I have a serious mental issue.”

And, his retirement:
“I had a lot of sadness this year. As you come to the end of a cycle of something in your life, it’s equally exciting and sad. (Competitive surfing) has been such a big part of my life. I don’t know when I’m going to retire, I will announce it the day it happens. But I feel like it’s an impending thing.”

But also:

“I can’t retire before 30 years as a pro. In fact, when the Olympics start (in August 2020) it will be thirty years for me.”

Kelly the prankster, still playing this game better than anyone else. Even the indecision is calculated.

That competitive drive for success, for relevance, is always there. We know it.

But each apparent contradiction, each second guess, take us closer to his polysemic truth.

It’s a mirror, held up to another mirror.

Just how he likes it.

Listen here. 

"Tastes like free coleslaw alongside a fried shrimp po' boy and..... a hint of heroism."
"Tastes like free coleslaw alongside a fried shrimp po' boy and..... a hint of heroism."

Hero: Cardiff-by-the-Sea boy rushes headlong through raging house fire in order to save Bruce Lee’s “Enter the Dragon” screenwriter!

Made not born... or wait. Is it the other way around?

BeachGrit has truly become the home of heroic. I am so against alliteration, bristling every time master shaper Matt Biolos posts an Instagram message, but don’t know how to swap either “home” or “heroic” out as that’s what we are.

Did you already forget the Filipino surfer who forewent a gold medal to save a fellow competitor? The Florida surfer riding a storm who saved an entire boat? The other Florida surfer who was chomped by a shark and instead of going to a hospital treated himself to a bar?

Well, welcome Aidan Cohen into their ranks, a local Cardiff-by-the-Sea boy who saved the screenwriter of Bruce Lee’s greatest (only?) film and very good friends with my older daughter. How many times can you count yourself personally acquainted with a legend? How many fried shrimp po’ boys has a legend served you at Fish 101 with free coleslaw?

But let’s read his harrowing tale together first, before getting to your answers.

Author and screenwriter Michael Allin, known for writing the classic Bruce Lee film “Enter the Dragon,” was rescued from his burning Cardiff home late Thursday night by two teenage neighbors.

“It got close there for a second,” said 17-year-old Aidan Cohen, who lives next door to Allin.

At around 11 p.m. Thursday, Aidan and his 19-year-old brother Ryan Cohen were sitting in their home eating late-night snacks of cereal and ice cream.

But their meal was interrupted when the power suddenly went off in their home. The two heard an explosion and rushed outside to see their neighbor’s house on fire.

They instinctively began shouting: “Michael! Michael!”

“We’ve known him forever. He’s lived there all our lives … Our first instinct was to scream his name,” Cohen said.

The boys ran to the back of the home and heard a disoriented Allin from inside.

“I told [Aidan], ‘Please don’t, please don’t.’ Aidan ran, pushed the door open and Aidan ran into his house and dragged him out and literally saved his life,” Ryan said.

While his house looked hollowed and badly charred Friday morning, Allin suffered only scratches and bruises.

You must finish the wild ride on your own time but back to my questions.

1) How many heroes are friends with your daughter?

2) How many of them have given you free coleslaw (with or without a fried shrimp po’ boy)?

While you’re thinking, raise a non-alcoholic beverage to Aidan Cohen and another to Bruce Lee.

Joined forever in Valhalla.

Forever heroes.

Run don't walk! A diamond may be forever but these prices won't last!
Run don't walk! A diamond may be forever but these prices won't last!

Opportunity: Russia seeks to end ban on “Blood Diamonds” sending hordes of “thrifty” surfers in longterm relationships to mall-based jewelry stores!

Strike while the iron's hot!

Surfers are known for very many things, being stupid, being dumb, being cheap, but in my experience none of these stereotypes are true. We are elevated, able to think through myriad complexities with clarity. Able to problem solve etc. and also prioritize.  Yes, none of these stereotypes are true except for surfers being cheap, though “thrifty” is a much better descriptive adjective.

The surfer has many important things on which to spend her or his money included but not limited to wax, Futures Fins, BeachGrit outerwear (buy here) and wetsuits. He, therefore, must economize. She must pinch pennies when there are pennies to be pinched.

And recent news coming out of Russia and Africa is very welcoming to the thrifty surfer in a longterm relationship.

A possible end to the ban on “Blood Diamonds.”

As you well know, the traditional diamond engagement ring is supposed to be worth three months of salary. That is a small-ish diamond and especially for surfers employed by the surf industry where a fifteen year apocalypse rages even through the greatest economic run in modern history. Many layoffs. Much depressed wages.

In any case, Russia and Africa are seeking to solve this problem and let us turn to Bloomberg for the very latest.

Russia is proposing to move toward ending the ban on selling so-called blood diamonds from the Central African Republic, a former French colony that’s struck recent military and commercial ties with Moscow, amid resistance from the U.S. and Europe.

The CAR, which is mired in civil conflict, should be granted a “road map” outlining the steps it needs to take to get the suspension of diamond sales lifted, Russian Deputy Finance Minister Alexei Moiseev said in an interview in Moscow.

“We need to ensure that illicitly traded diamonds move to the legal marketplace, bringing income for people and taxes for the state,” Moiseev said. “The situation in CAR isn’t getting any better, and we can’t delay this any more.”

Russia’s pressing for action as President Vladimir Putin seeks to challenge the U.S. and other major powers in a new push to restore Soviet-era influence in the resource-rich African continent. He hosted more than 50 African leaders in the first Russia-Africa summit in October and his ally Yevgeny Prigozhin’s mercenary venture is active in about a dozen countries, including the CAR.

So, are you in a longterm relationship? Is a ring expected soon, maybe even this holiday season? Aeroflot flies non-stop from LAX. I have flown many times and cannot recommend highly enough.