Ironbound (pictured) cursing "artists" and "dissidents."
Ironbound (pictured) cursing "artists" and "dissidents."

Official End of the World: “Rotund” Great White shark refuses to leave South Florida, threatening to eat every single Miami “artist” and anti-Cuban “dissident!”

This is the end, my friend. Etc.

But have you ever been to South Florida? Miami-adjacent? I have but only twice. Once when circumnavigating the entire state for a very important Surfing magazine feature. Can you believe that Surfing magazine was once a thing?

I can’t.

But it was the best thing, edited by the most handsome surf journalist ever Travis Ferre, photo edited by almost equally handsome Peter Taras. Maybe Greek. Maybe not. And, in retrospect, I cannot believe the powers that be chose to shutter Surfing instead of Surfer.

Surfer had the name, the history, but Surfing had the spunk. The features from Florida and so I was there, then, circumnavigating the State, staying at The Standard when I was in Miami.

Not recommended, to be honest, but when I was there a few years later I stayed at the Faena and ooooee!

You should too.

Or maybe not.

Miami has no surf, zero surf, but also it was just revealed today that a massive Great White named “Ironbound” is refusing to leave those cocaine-infused waters (buy here) but do you not believe me?

Do you think I’m tossing smoke in order to protect my favorite Miami-adjacent surf breaks?

For shame.

There is no such thing and I would never do that to you but let’s head together to CNN for the latest on this unseemly incursion.

Tourists and snowbirds aren’t the only ones spending the holidays around South Florida.

A 12-foot, 4-inch long great white shark that researchers have named Ironbound has been tracked to the waters south of Key Biscayne, near Miami.

The adult male shark weighs 998 pounds, according to the group OCEARCH, which tagged and is tracking the shark.

Ironbound was caught and tagged on October 3 off Lunenburg, Nova Scotia, and has traveled 1,473 miles down the US East Coast since then. He’s named after West Ironbound Island, which is near where he was caught.

It’s been a busy week for the shark trackers.

OCEARCH said that seven of its tagged sharks have pinged with their location in recent days.


And you don’t want to learn any more. You shouldn’t. It’s the official end of our species but happy New Year, I guess?

If you haven’t been eaten?

Stop surfing now.

It’s all over.

A wrap.

"What you gonna do about it Kelly?"
"What you gonna do about it Kelly?"

Christmas Day Horror: Beach closed after “massive” Great White circles two teenage surfers at new artificial reef!

Extreme Grinch.

But what did you do on Christmas day after opening your gifts? Attend a boozy brunch? Head to the movies? Shiver uncontrollably while contemplating how finite life truly is?

Go surfing?

Surfing would have been the right call, paddling off those extra lbs, communing with nature etc. except, as you are very well aware, we are currently living through a shark apocalypse and the beasts respect neither life nor holiday tradition, religious or non.

And the Great Whites’ Jehovah’s Witness-like attitude was put on wickedly scary display at an Australian beach not far from Burleigh Heads that is proud host of a new artificial reef.

Our source, preferring to remain unnamed so as not to raise the shark’s hackles, was there enjoying a warm and sunny Christmas day with his family.

“It was a little onshore, not amazing, but there were a few waves hitting the reef.” He said. “Interestingly, when the council first made the reef it was super shallow and looking like there’d be a wild wedge but the council scooped out a bunch of the rock to make it deeper and, obviously, less dangerous. It’s not as good but it breaks and it attracts marine life.”

That dreaded marine life.

In any case, our source saw two teenage surfers, good surfers who are likely innocent but one never quite knows with teenagers these days. They told him they were going to hit the reef. He watched them catch a few early afternoon waves then suddenly a jetski comes flying in, snags both boys and races them to the sand.

Our source asked them what happened. They replied that they were circled by a Great White so close they could see the markings, scratches, on its monstrous dorsal fin.

The beach was shut down for one hour.

There was nothing on local news but much chatter in the lineup and in town about the predatory visitor.

“We’ve definitely seen an increase in sharks since the reef. We’ve seen a few bulls, a few smaller sharks.” our source said, “But nothing like Christmas Day. This is Jaws.”

Would Jaws stop you from surfing the new artificial reef?

Per the council’s description:

The artificial reef is constructed of large rock boulders and is 1.5 metres below the average water level at its highest point. Significant investigation and design effort has gone into designing the artificial reef, including coastal data analysis, computer modelling and wave tank testing.

It both sounds and looks fun but…

…oh I just don’t know anymore. I think we gift the ocean to the hideous, horrible, carnivorous sons of guns at this point.

I think if you received a brand-new surfboard under the Christmas tree that it be returned for a beach volleyball.

Very scary.

Honey Trap: Australian Tourism Board uses 90s pop icon Kylie Minogue, surfing, to lure Brexit-weary British to scorched, shark-ravaged island!

Come for the brush fire, stay and get eaten.

And have you ever been baited then switched? Sold a bill of goods? Bought a Rolex for a shockingly low price from a friendly man on the streets of New York City but, contrary to the watch maker’s sterling reputation, have it break soon thereafter?

Oh we’ve all fallen for scenarios we know, with our heads, too good to be true. The heart, though, it wants what it wants and Australia’s very smart tourism board is capitalizing on this very human trait in order to lure Brexit-weary British visitors to their sun and fire scorched, Great White shark ravaged island and let’s quickly read about the ploy on onetime news leader CNN:

Australian tourism officials are banking on Kylie Minogue to convince British tourists to take a break from all the political drama at home and take in the sights Australia has to offer.

The Grammy-winning singer, songwriter and actress stars in a humorous, three-minute music video that aired on British TV right before Queen Elizabeth II’s annual Christmas broadcast.

“I’m such a proud Australian that I’ve spent most of my life travelling around the world sharing my stories of Australia with anyone who would listen, so I kind of feel like a walking tourism advert for Australia already,” she said in a statement.

More than 700,000 people visited Australia from the UK in the year ending in June, according to Tourism Australia, making it the fourth-largest source of tourists behind China, New Zealand and the United States. They spent AUD $3.4 billion ($2.4 billion USD, £ 1.8 billion), but that’s down from the previous year.

“It’s no secret that the UK has been going through a period of uncertainty, and this has had an impact on outbound travel, including to Australia where numbers have dipped in recent months,” Tourism Minister Simon Birmingham said in a statement.

They’re hoping that the campaign, and Minogue’s popularity in the UK will encourage more tourists.

Very exciting but what will these hordes of British visitors think when they are met with a burning Eucalyptus tree? When their pasty, pale skin literally melts off their slightly-deformed bones from record-breaking heat waves? When they finally get to the beach and stumble across a human foot left behind by an extra-large “man-eating’ Great White shark?

Will they feel duped?

They shouldn’t.

I would trade my American citizenship tomorrow for an opportunity to live in apocalyptic Australia.

Would you have me, mates?

Ugly twist: “Monstrous” Great White shark mauls goat boat and almost eats captain near The Endless Summer’s “perfect wave” Cape Saint Francis!

Destroyers of cinematic glory.

Well hell. Well awful, no pause in the Great White Apocalypse hell. And you thought, for one brief minute, that the “man-eating” Great White shark respected holidays? That she took time off like you and your banker?

Well apparently you have not learned enough here, here, here, etc. about his predilections, his perversions, unsurpassed work ethic for just yesterday, Christmas Day, a monstrous beast attempted to eat an entire goat boat plus its captain just off Cape Saint Francis there in bucolic South Africa, home of The Endless Summer’s “perfect wave.”

Oh, the indignity, the nastiness is clearly two-fold but let us get hard facts and details etc. before snatching our pitchforks and booking long, long, long tickets. Let’s head directly to a local news’ source.

Nahoon Beach has been closed to beachgoers after a shark attack early Thursday.

Buffalo City Metropolitan Municipality said at about 7am, a shark attacked a surf ski off Nahoon Reef.

“The paddler is fine with no injuries,” the city said in a statement.

“ … The beach will remain closed as a safety precaution.”

City officials will monitor the area.

A swimmer drowned on the beach earlier this week.

Geoff McGregor, the National Sea Rescue Institute’s East London station commander, said: “At 4.45am, Monday, December 23, NSRI East London duty crew were activated after reports of a drowning in progress at Nahoon Beach.”

A 23-year-old woman, from Queenstown, was found washed onto the beach after being swept out to sea by rip currents while swimming.

And on Sunday, two paddlers sighted a shark in the water at Oyster Bay.

Johannes Lodewyk van Rensburg, NSRI Oyster Bay station commander, said they responded when alerted to a double kayak washed up on rocks at Oyster Bay Point.

“Two men had been paddling from St Francis Bay to Oyster Bay and they were 300 metres offshore of Oyster Bay when they noticed a shark in the water.

“One man fell out of the double kayak and then the second man fell out of the double kayak. They both swam to shore without incident, abandoning their kayak,” he said.

Their kayak was found barely damaged, on Monday.


Largely undamaged.
Largely undamaged.

I honestly don’t understand most of that, assuming it’s in Afrikaans, but clearly see the words “Great White shark” and “St. Francis Bay.”

Let’s remember her the way she was.

Great White sharks sure are rude.

Destroying cinematic fantasy with a flash of the teeth.


But goat boats. I mean… you get what you deserve? Karma etc.?

No surfing in South Africa until we reach the bottom of all this and, as always, more as the story develops.

John John at Baby Pipe. Healthy. Wink wink.
John John at Baby Pipe. Healthy. Wink wink.

Rumor: John John Florence surfed gimpy in recently concluded Pipe Masters in order to protect half his robust yearly salary!

Healthy, Olympian, rich.

And you certainly thrilled at John John Florence’s stirring return in the Pipe Masters no doubt. His coming into the draw, in his own backyard, and mixing up two fabulous storylines. Namely, his rivalry with one Gabriel Medina and his keeping the greatest surfer of all time, and neighbor, Kelly Slater out of the Olympics.

While John John failed in his first objective, getting lapped by Gabs in the quarters, he succeeded in his second, sending Kelly home (next door).

But rumors floating around greater Orange County suggest that there was a third, more vital, reason for John John’s Pipe run. Namely, that Bluestar Alliance, new owner of Hurley, were demanding a halving of his yearly rumored 4 mil a year salary.

And “What?” you say.

“How?” you gasp.

Because, apparently, Nike, Hurley’s last parent, has boilerplate language in athlete contracts that allow for a 50% pay reduction upon athlete injury. The top brass rarely, rarely trigger the clause but, allegedly, Bluestar’s east coast executives learned of it and were shocked. “What?” They said. “We pay the guy with the gimpy knee 4 mil? Get his agent on the phone right now and tell him he’s taking a 50% pay cut.”

Magically, majestically, John John surfed his way into the quarters and the entire world hold’s its collective breath for this summer’s Tokyo Olympics etc.

John John not injured! Healthy! Olympian!


How excited are you for Snapper, by the way?

Much time to… get back on the sled and reset, as it were.

More as the story develops.