Advertisement
Ironbound (pictured) cursing "artists" and "dissidents."
Ironbound (pictured) cursing "artists" and "dissidents."

Official End of the World: “Rotund” Great White shark refuses to leave South Florida, threatening to eat every single Miami “artist” and anti-Cuban “dissident!”

This is the end, my friend. Etc.

But have you ever been to South Florida? Miami-adjacent? I have but only twice. Once when circumnavigating the entire state for a very important Surfing magazine feature. Can you believe that Surfing magazine was once a thing?

I can’t.

But it was the best thing, edited by the most handsome surf journalist ever Travis Ferre, photo edited by almost equally handsome Peter Taras. Maybe Greek. Maybe not. And, in retrospect, I cannot believe the powers that be chose to shutter Surfing instead of Surfer.

Surfer had the name, the history, but Surfing had the spunk. The features from Florida and so I was there, then, circumnavigating the State, staying at The Standard when I was in Miami.

Not recommended, to be honest, but when I was there a few years later I stayed at the Faena and ooooee!

You should too.

Or maybe not.

Miami has no surf, zero surf, but also it was just revealed today that a massive Great White named “Ironbound” is refusing to leave those cocaine-infused waters (buy here) but do you not believe me?

Do you think I’m tossing smoke in order to protect my favorite Miami-adjacent surf breaks?

For shame.

There is no such thing and I would never do that to you but let’s head together to CNN for the latest on this unseemly incursion.

Tourists and snowbirds aren’t the only ones spending the holidays around South Florida.

A 12-foot, 4-inch long great white shark that researchers have named Ironbound has been tracked to the waters south of Key Biscayne, near Miami.

The adult male shark weighs 998 pounds, according to the group OCEARCH, which tagged and is tracking the shark.

Ironbound was caught and tagged on October 3 off Lunenburg, Nova Scotia, and has traveled 1,473 miles down the US East Coast since then. He’s named after West Ironbound Island, which is near where he was caught.

It’s been a busy week for the shark trackers.

OCEARCH said that seven of its tagged sharks have pinged with their location in recent days.

Etc.

And you don’t want to learn any more. You shouldn’t. It’s the official end of our species but happy New Year, I guess?

If you haven’t been eaten?

Stop surfing now.

It’s all over.

A wrap.

0 0 votes
Article Rating

Commented on Disqus? Log out, tap the Disqus button, and your old name and comments come back. The box is ours.

Join the discussion

Your comments are still here. Every one of them.

Twelve years of BeachGrit comments came across from Disqus. Connect and we will show you how many are yours. We get your username, nothing else.

Unclaimed
Handle
Comments
Posting since

Connect Disqus to reveal.

Subscribe
Notify of
13 Comments
Newest
Oldest Most Voted
Ed

Official end of the world?

Have you got a date Chas?

I’m trying juggle bills and care for a small family?

Give me at least a hint?

Need plan ahead

cocaine and hookers… I’ve said too much

Mark O'Donovan

Hahaha…..ermmmm !!!

thomas stump

How can this person write for “Beach Grit” with child labor laws on the books.

Laura Truax

You know, it’s this type of writing that misrepresents sharks and causes fear. We all know human nature and our need to destroy the very things that we do fear. Sharks have more to fear from humans than humans do from sharks. Already we see the results of humans and our targeted killing of sharks, either for shark fin soup or through commercial fishing nets. To literally kill 90% of the top predators of the ocean has thrown off the balance of the ecosystem. You are writing about a 12 foot Great White…but are you even aware of the fact that a 12 foot is still considered a juvenile and they target fish, not mammals?

As a surfer, I would think you would have a greater love and respect of the ocean and everything that lives within it. As a surfer, you should respect the fact that every time you enter it, you are taking a very slim chance of being attacked by a shark. If you cant accept that fact, stay out of the ocean.

Nick Richon
channelbottom
Greebnurt Hurkurmurgurt

Good god CB! That thing looks kinky.
Like it could lick Satan’s Doorbell at the same time while the other end is stimulating the g-spot.
Only the devil could produce something capable of so much sinful ecstasy. Truly a devil fish.

Sean

Whatever happens with the shark… you’re going to need a bigger boat.

Lemon Next to the Pie

Why isn’t every headline in this series, seemingly destined for a coffee table book, started with ‘Sharpocalypse:…’?

Waxingfitzgibbous

Shark apocalypse journalism is the best!

(after surf journalism)

ricmatic

Was just about to go for a surf. Are there any spots, in any ocean officially condoned by BG as “safe”
Otherwise I’m off to the mall.

Ricky Spanish

Only the wave tubs are safe. From sharks anyway, amoeba are another story though

Greebnurt Hurkurmurgurt

Kelly Slater wave pool. Maybe it’s a conspiracy that Chas and Kelly have envisioned together to increase revenue at the pool and split the profits???
Stranger things have happened.
Fact.


13
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x