We now officially know, unofficially, that our World Surf League has put Dirk Ziff’s remaining eggs (huevos in Spanish) in one basket.
The Ultimate Surfer’.
With the tour indefinitely scuttled, insurance premiums likely through the roof and a slate of CEO Erik Logan YouTube series, including Lawn Patrol and Unhinged, that have failed to ignite, the ABC reality series is organized professional surfing’s last great hope.
Failure not at option.
Ultimate Surfer has yet to announce an air date but I wonder if Dirk Ziff is shaking in his tassled loafers, especially now that the Chinese have released their own reality series called Summer Surf Shop with a special guest appearance by heartthrob Wang Yibo.
According to a source in in the know, “Wang Yibo’s entrance to the show echoes his typical cool-guy persona. Behind-the scenes footage of the dude on a surfboard, dripping wet and slaying in it the water began surfacing. Wang Yibo on a surfboard is quite a sight indeed.”
Now that Yibo has committed to Summer Surf Shop, almost certainly making him unavailable for Ultimate Surfer, chances for the World Surf League to expand its robust TikTok fanbase appear to be in danger unless Zeke Lau, reported to be cast and already in Lemoore, is good at crafting, pranks and choreographed dance moves aimed at nine-year-old girls.
You recall that TikTok is the League’s only success story of the last three years and the app is in danger of being deleted entirely due fears that the Chinese government is using to mine data, robustly spy on users, etc.
I wonder if Dirk Ziff is quaking in his Hermès Izmir sandals… or wait.
Surfline Man will never admit that he doesn’t know.
Perhaps inevitably, the wheels came off.
First, Kyle’s wife told him he had to stay home. The Prius needed an oil change or some such bullshit. The raddest Chad didn’t know anyone at Saint Archer after all, and Ryan’s Sprinter is in the shop again.
Really, if you just take care of your car, it won’t be in the shop all the time. Does he have to explain everything?
Yes. Yes, it seems that he does.
Surfline Man is totally over it.
He didn’t really want to go to Texas anyway. And look at those Corona numbers.
It’s toxic, brah.
He stands in the parking lot at San O, and watches his aerial dreams waft away forever. Air reverses are for groms, he tells his girlfriend.
Hot water for dayyyysss, brah. Bought a roll of AstroTurf, too, got it on sale at Home Depot. Just cut off a new strip and bam! A fresh spot to change. You should totally try it. So fucking sweet, brah.
Today, he’s gona go down to Swamis with the midlength.
Surfline Man watched yesterday’s session on rewind and it was so disappointing. His arms were just like, everywhere. He looked exactly like that dumb statue in Cardiff.
So embarrassing. What was he thinking?
Surfline Man is not about to give up. Not by a long shot. Sure, his girlfriend left him yesterday, which was a total bummer. But today is going to be his best session ever. That perfect cutback, just like Devon Howard, it’s totally going to happen for him today.
Maybe that cute girl he saw in the parking lot last time will be there, too. She had the coolest Ryan Lovelace midlength under her arm. Such a killer resin tint. She looked so cute in her Patagonia Long Jane.
Surfline Man can’t wait to ask her about her board. He’s dying to know her dims. And see her fin set-up. He thinks it was a 2+1, but he can’t wait to find out for sure.
Just like his cutback, they were meant to be.
He can feel it!
Breaking: John Florence, Kolohe Andino, Carissa Moore, Caroline Marks unanimously select Brett Simpson as first ever U.S. Olympic surf head coach!
If we’re honest, and I think we can be here on the biggest little surf website in the whole world, very few things are more important than popularity.
Leaving aside moral fortitude, bravery, trustworthiness, selflessness, critical thinking etc., popularity, and/or the pursuit thereof, gives rise to great works of art: Mean Girls, Less than Zero, 10 Things I Hate about You just to name three.
Popularity feels good and/or bad if a person happens to be unpopular and, this morning, I wonder if Rainos Hayes, Shane Beschen, Mike Parsons and Chris “Gally” Stone all feel bad or if they selflessly feel good for Brett Simpson who beat them each to become the very first U.S. Olympic surf team head coach.
Simpson was chosen over all other candidates, according to U.S.A. Surfing’s CEO Greg Cruse, after the team consisting of John John Florence, Kolohe Andino, Carissa Moore and Caroline Marks unanimously selected him.
Cruse added, “We have some of the top surfers in the world on our team. They all have their teams that they work with, year-in, year-out, so they really don’t need coaching in the traditional sense of the word. What they need is someone that they can relate to, that they respect, that they can bounce ideas off, that can calm them, or hype them up, and just get them in the best mindset. That’s what you need and that’s what Brett brings to the table.”
Very fine and Simpson should feel humbled in that “I-smashed-all-comers-and-rule” Gabriel Medina sort of way.
His stable will likely be facing Brazil’s Medina and/or Italo Ferreira in Tokyo.
Mirroring Cruse’s sentiments, Simpson declared, “I’m on the younger side of the coaching spectrum but I think it’s become relevant in a lot of sports. There’s similar views you share and when you’re working with top level athletes like this, it isn’t telling them how to surf. It’s more guidance on conditions, focusing on equipment and the day-to-day preparation, putting them in the best situation to perform at their highest level.”
Very fine indeed.
Will you call him Coach Simpson from now on or should we call him Head Surf Coach just like Steve Spurrier was called Head Ball Coach?
Much to ponder.
Update: Fifteen-year-old surfer killed by “ten-foot Great White” at Wooli Beach on Australia’s mid-north Coast; second surfer killed by a Great White in one month
"A really big Great White shark came up and took a bite, and he was screaming out…"
A fifteen-year-old boy has died after being hit by a shark at Wilsons Headland at Wooli Beach, north of Coffs Harbour, this afternoon.
Mani Hart-Deville was hit in the legs by what is being called a “ten-foot Great White”.
“Several boardriders came to his assistance before the injured teen could be helped to shore,” NSW Police said in a statement. “First aid was rendered for serious injuries to his legs and despite CPR efforts to revive him, he died at the scene.”
The joint is as secluded as it gets around those parts, dirt road in then you gotta walk.
An hour from anywhere between Coffs Harbour and Grafton.
A local resident, Helen Dobra, told Nine News, “He said that he was in the water and a really big Great White shark came up and took a bite, and he was screaming out. Then the surfer said the shark came again for another attack … and another surfer actually bravely went and tried to get the shark off him and then they pulled him out of the water.”
I spoke to a Wooli surfer who said he’d “seen more sharks in two months than I’ve seen in my whole life.”
It’s the second shark attack fatality on the stretch of coast in just over a month.
Queensland surfer Rob Pedretti died after being attacked by a “twelve-to-fifteen-foot Great White” at Salt Beach, in front of popular holiday resorts Peppers Salt Resort and Spa and Mantra on Salt, forty miles north of shark-attack hotspot Byron Bay, and roughly three hours drive from today’s attack.
Caio Ibelli is the twenty-six-year-old Brazilian surfer with the flawless patrician features and rosebud month who, repeatedly, garrots world champion surfers, mostly John John Florence and Gabriel Media, but also including Kelly Slater.
Told he’d never be a pro surfer ‘cause he got into the game late, Caio won the world junior title in a stacked field that included Filipe Toledo, Jack Freestone and Wade Carmichael, became the rookie of the year in 2016 and has continued to be a thorn in the side of anyone who intimates that he ain’t no good.
A little over a week after his twenty-sixth birthday in 2019, this journeyman of five feet and six inches who nobody pays attention to although they should was catapulted into the world of one hundred and thirty million souls as the bogeyman who stole Gabriel Medina’s dream for a third world title in Portugal.
Caio got hit with ten thousand hateful messages in two hours after Medina and his guy-pal Neymar loosed their armies onto the “high-voltage” natural-footer.
All this, of course, is discussed over the course of eighty-eight minutes, with a late diversion into his life as a single man (“Every man has to get a Brazilian girlfriend,” he says, all but twirling his snout against a vulva frothed with lubricity while we speak) after his split from pro surfer girlfriend, Alessa Quizon.
Charlie and I are grotesque, trembling the air in apparent orgasmic spasms, while Caio concusses us both with his endless beautiful bludgeon strokes.
He’ll lead your poor heart to slaughter, too.
(Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcast, Stitcher, TuneIn + Alexa, iHeartRadio, Overcast, Pocket Cast, Castro, Castbox, Podcast Addict, Podchaser, Deezer and Listen Notes.)