We now officially know, unofficially, that our World Surf League has put Dirk Ziff’s remaining eggs (huevos in Spanish) in one basket.
The Ultimate Surfer’.
With the tour indefinitely scuttled, insurance premiums likely through the roof and a slate of CEO Erik Logan YouTube series, including Lawn Patrol and Unhinged, that have failed to ignite, the ABC reality series is organized professional surfing’s last great hope.
Failure not at option.
Ultimate Surfer has yet to announce an air date but I wonder if Dirk Ziff is shaking in his tassled loafers, especially now that the Chinese have released their own reality series called Summer Surf Shop with a special guest appearance by heartthrob Wang Yibo.
According to a source in in the know, “Wang Yibo’s entrance to the show echoes his typical cool-guy persona. Behind-the scenes footage of the dude on a surfboard, dripping wet and slaying in it the water began surfacing. Wang Yibo on a surfboard is quite a sight indeed.”
Now that Yibo has committed to Summer Surf Shop, almost certainly making him unavailable for Ultimate Surfer, chances for the World Surf League to expand its robust TikTok fanbase appear to be in danger unless Zeke Lau, reported to be cast and already in Lemoore, is good at crafting, pranks and choreographed dance moves aimed at nine-year-old girls.
You recall that TikTok is the League’s only success story of the last three years and the app is in danger of being deleted entirely due fears that the Chinese government is using to mine data, robustly spy on users, etc.
I wonder if Dirk Ziff is quaking in his Hermès Izmir sandals… or wait.
What sort of footwear do you imagine Dirk Ziff wears when strolling the grounds of his exclusive southern plantation?
More as the story develops.
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Good luck with that. I’m not convinced the referees know them yet.
Well that’s Super Rugby Aoteoroa. Rugby Union is more popular in NZ than in Australia, and different from the game I was referring to; Aussie Rules. It is the New Zealand based teams playing each other, so is a pretty high standard. The Australian version of Super Rugby has recently kicked off and, depending on whether or not the Reds perform well, I might get interested. NZ seems to throw up about 3-5 new blokes every year that just slot straight into the All Blacks machine.
Beijing’s masterstroke
Has finally been revealed
The CHAL is awake
It’s going to be so embarrassing when you think you have made progress over the last 3 hours bargaining with the bloke shoving bamboo down your dickhole only to realise it’s a new guy and the shift has changed. You will have to start the whole conversation again. How ridiculous! Meanwhile Harry Bryant and Jack Robinson are surviving undetected nervously dyeing their bowl cuts black and shoving their heads in a bee keepers hut every morning to maintain appearance.
July 18, 2020, 5:30 AM – The alarm goes off, waking up Pat O’Connell, who opens his eyes to see co-workers Erik “ELo” Logan and Dave “The Knave” Prodan getting ready for the day’s business meeting with their boss, multi-billionaire, Dirk “Daddy’s Money” Ziff. ELo stands in the bathroom tightening up his suspenders, which are clipped to a pair of crisp white Dockers, Dave, very much cutting the figure of an old timey southern dandy, is putting on a burgundy jacket.
“Hey, buddy, you need to get up and get ready. We have to be at the club by 6:30 for our meeting,” says Dave, gently.
“Why are we meeting so early? And why are you dressed like that?” groans Pat.
“Like Calvin Candie? (Pat stares blankly) Leo in Django?”
“Oh… again, why?” asks Pat.
“Um, this is the South… totally iconic… I mean, come on… anyway, Dirk wanted to meet before it gets too hot.”
“It’s already too hot,” says Pat.
ELo walks out of the bathroom to see Pat awake.
“Oh, Patchy, you’re awake! Splendid! You need to hurry up, we’re going to be late!”
Pat gets out of bed and puts on a pair of navy corduroys and slips into a pair of Sanuks. He begins to pull on a mint green polo over his wife beater.
“Did you bring a jacket?” asks ELo
“(Looking puzzled) um, no. I thought a polo would be enough,” says Pat.
“Haha, it’s OK, I’ve got an extra…. Um, this one, put it on.”
ELo hands Pat a tan sport coat, which he puts on.
“Everyone ready to go?” asks Dave.
“Yep.”
“Ready, Freddy,” answers ELo.
They walk out of their hotel room door into the suffocating South Carolina heat.
“I’ll drive,” says Pat.
“Haha, oh, no, I think Prodie should drive. Sorry, Patches.”
Pat rolls his eyes and gets into the back seat, falling asleep almost immediately. They leave the Best Western and start to drive towards their meeting place, the Jeep Cherokee Plantation, silent the whole way until they drive up.
“We’re here.”
They get out of the car and walk into the boathouse. Dirk is standing at the table with four chairs, looking resplendent, mint julep in hand, in a white suit, lavender button up shirt, and a pair of white suede sport buck shoes.
“How’re we all doing this morning, my dear gentlemen?” he asks, handing off his glass to a servant dressed like The Penguin.
“Terrific!” beams ELo.
“Good. Now, please, sit down,” says Dirk.
“This place is real nice,” blurts Pat, “why didn’t we stay here last night?”
Dirk gives an uncomfortable grunt, Dave and ELo give mortified glances.
“Oh, haha, you’ll remember, Mr. Ziff will be giving us Per Diem… of $151, $96 for lodging, $55 for meals…” says ELo.
“We’re paying for meals?… Oh, OK, don’t mind me.”
“(Annoyed) anyway, how is everything going, with the league and on the content front? Wasn’t there supposed to be an announcement about starting the season?” asks Dirk.
“Oh, haha, we decided not to announce anything,” says ELo.
“Dave, why did we do that?” asks Ziff.
“Well, we thought there was no benefit to announcing anything. We wouldn’t be able to
objectively iterate principle-centered infomediaries by doing so,” answers Dave.
“OK, good enough for me. What about content? I see even China has a surf program. What do we have? I’m not sure our black exploitation episodes are going to carry us much farther…”
“Haha, wow, racist!” blurts ELo.
Dirk stares blankly.
“Haha, I mean, how not woke… people are eating that stuff up like catnip… well, we have Ultimate Surfer coming up!”
“Who do we have for that?” asks Dirk.
ELo glances at Pat, in a way that intimates he wants him to speak. Pat looks back at him like in a “I’m the Tour/competition guy, not a content guy” sort of way.
“Well, we have Zeke Lau.” offers Pat.
“OK, a thug, good. Who else?” questions Dirk.
“I wouldn’t exactly say he’s a ‘thug.’ That seems kind of weird to say… Um, we also have Seth Moniz and Keanu Asing…”
“All Hawaiians?!”
“Yes,” says Pat.
“That’s not going to work! We neeeeed diversity!” yells Dirk.
“Problem is, surfing is almost all white,” says Pat, causing Dave and ELo to cringe demonstrably.
“What about that Chinese guy BeachGrit wrote about? Ling Wangdoodle or whoever.”
“Wang Yibo. Well, he’s on that Chinese program you mentioned earlier,” says Pat.
“Get him!!”
“How are we go…”
“Oh, silly Patchy, we’ll get him, sir,” interjects ELo.
“For real? Dave?”
“Dynamically reconceptualize robust intellectual capital,” answers Dave.
“Pefect!” exclaims Dirk. “We are done here. Now get off my property… unless you’d like to pay?”
They get up and start to leave. Dirk stops ELo.
“This better work. Or your ass is grass. As in you’re fired,” threatens Dirk, hushedly. “You’re driving home. I’m not paying for a flight.”
Dave, Pat, and ELo get into the rental.
“What did he say to you when we were leaving?” asks Pat.
“Oh, he just wanted to tell me how great and neat-o of a job we’re doing…. Btw, we’re going to road trip our way back to Santa Monica. How does that sound?”
Pat groans loudly, Dave, sensing Dirk’s anger as the cause of this development, just quietly breathes heavily.
“Sounds like fun,” says Dave. “Oklahoma is disgusting this time of year!”
“That’s the spirit!” exclaims ELo. “Let’s celebrate with Hardee’s!”
Pat looks confused.
“It’s the non-California Carl’s Jr.,” says Dave.
“Oh, OK.”
They drive a couple hours until they find one to go through the Drive Thru.
I liked the episode of Drive Thru where AI bailed on the trip, probably to go score some blow.
A Beach Grit road trip is in order.
“Beach Grit Road Trip: Chas Hits the Road A Crass America”. Chas searches for WSL surf fans. Has the WSL reached their target audience? In truly investigative surf journalist fashion, with upward income stream fashion sense, Chas embarks upon a Louis and Clark-ish new frontier finding adventure. Finding the fans. Fans finding the WSL. Data collection where once and for all we’ll see if the WSL has captured the hearts and minds of surf fans, fans landlocked, fans unseen, and scene scripted, a crass fandom across America.
It’s somewhat interesting that Australian Rules Footy has made more inroads into the US market through Pat McAfee’s podcasting than surfing in the past 40 odd years.
Chas could milk many articles from a road trip. Great White Snark articles.
oh no , Chas is white ,so is milk , and then only White sharks…….”is the might of white right?”
If this is some ploy to get me to hate White Castle Burgers it won’t work.
Is it true that The Derek likes to go hands on with a juicy wang ?
If so, it looks like Chadwick beat him off for this story opportunity…
(Dirk wears Crocs)
Wang is the one that’s always rallying the group to Chung Tonight.
Ps. https://www.yelp.com/biz/wa…
“I think this place is restricted Wang, so don’t tell ’em you’re Jewish! OK, fine“. Al Czervik.
Hahahahaha!!! For the win!!!!
Reminds me of my stay in Nusa Dua last year!
Judging from the picture up top, Wang got his start in reality TV from his stint in The Sims series.