Sign of the times: Gold Coast funeral home
offers Superbank-themed coffins
By Derek Rielly
A passion for photography meets accoutrements of
death.
A Gold Coast funeral company has released a series of
wave-themed coffins, including a “Waves of Snapper Rocks” and
“Snapper Rock Sunrise” casket, the catalogue also
including a Burleigh Heads and a Byron Bay model.
Keen photographer and undertaker Mark Hobson, who is a
part-owner of the family biz A Gentle Touch Funerals, has
married a passion for photography with the accoutrements of death,
coffins and urns built to hold the cindered remains of loved ones,
as well as unloved ones, I suppose.
“Snapper is the home and backyard playground too (sic) many
aspiring young surfers from today’s grommets to the current World
Surfing Champions. The Roxy Pro World Surfing Titles has put
Snapper Rock on the world stage, show casing our magnificent
beaches, surfing and our laid back lifestyle.”
The wave on the box doesn’t look like Snapper to me, but what do
I know?
And, is there any only one Snapper Rock?
Or is it plural?
The price of the colourful coffin is undisclosed although the
urn will cost $A489.
I often reflect on the manner of my death and the funeral that
might follow.
As a child, fearing burial while still alive, little fingernails
tearing at the mahogany lid, breath becoming more laboured as the
available oxygen evaporates, face frozen in a mask of terror at
moment of death, I requested that my parents stuff my corpse into a
box, drive to a quarry and dynamite me.
The body is anointed in oils with pleasing vanilla aromas,
wrapped in an off-white cotton shroud before being shoved over the
side a few clicks out to sea, where I might be eaten by sea
creatures, animals whose descendants often filled my own
plate.
Pregnant woman jumps into blood-filled
water, pries husband from jaws of 10-foot Bull Shark in Florida
Key’s “very rare medical crisis!”
By Chas Smith
The pinnacle of human accomplishment.
It was reported here, less than 24 hours ago,
that Andrew Charles Eddy, 30, had been bitten
on the shoulder while snorkeling in the Florida
Keys.
“The Sport of Poets” is generally soothing to the mind, spirit
and body. Shark attacks on snorkelers are rare and even more rare
in the Florida Keys where Jimmy Buffett croons.
Not yesterday, though, and shrieks filled with horrible terror
replaced Cheeseburgers in Paradise. But also, a legend was born out
of the din. Police reports on the incident, just released, reveal
that Eddy was saved by a hero.
His pregnant wife.
Margot Dukes-Eddy was standing on the boat when she saw a dorsal
fin then blood fill the water. Without fear or hesitation she threw
herself into the cauldron, drug her husband onto the boat and very
likely saved his life.
But have you ever read anything so incredible?
So selflessly selfless?
Let’s be quite honest here. You have never saved anyone from the
jaws of certain death nor have you ever been pregnant. Both are,
individually, remarkable feats. Together?
The pinnacle of human accomplishment.
Florida has already erected a statue in 11x surfing champion
Kelly Slater’s honor but I think if the Keys do not erect one in
honor of Margot Dukes-Eddy than it will be a rotten precedent.
Kelly Slater has never saved anyone from the jaws of certain death
nor has ever been pregnant.
More as the story develops.
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World Surf League gambit to emotionally
defraud French surfer Justine Dupont pays off as mainstream media
crows about Maya Gabeira: “Meet Brazilian Bombshell Beating the
Boys in Big Waves!”
By Chas Smith
A hit?
Two short weeks ago the surf world was set on
fire as Justine Dupont exploded in anger at the World Surf League.
The Frenchwoman had been up for cbdMD XXL Biggest Wave Award though
lost to Brazilian Maya Gabeira in an approximate game of
centimeters.
The @wsl announced that the record for the biggest wave
surfed would be awarded to a surfer who does not finish her wave. I
decided to smile about it even though I am deeply hurt to be
subjected to a decision that I believe is totally unfairI’m
especially disappointed and ashamed of this league which claims to
represent our sport . They are based on a report from scientists who use the word
“approximate” in front of each of their statements. It is
stipulated among other things that:
-The size of the 2 surfer girls is approximately identical:
FALSE (at + or – 10cm) -Our two waves are approximately the same distance from the
photographer: FALSE these are 2 different peaks on the biggest
beach break in the world. -They define the bottom of the wave of my competitor about 2m
below where the lip of the wave breaks. -Images of the other surfer were used after the publication
deadline.
The World Surf League’s dubious decision to award an unfinished
ride when all other things are relatively equal was confusing, at
the time, but clearer today as the mainstream media appears to be
embracing the “Brazilian bombshell beating the boys.”
It’s official. Maya Gabeira’s 73.5-foot monster wave at
Nazare wasn’t just the biggest ever surfed by a woman, it was also
the largest wave surfed by anyone — man or woman — in the world
this year.
In the crowning moment of an incredible career, the
33-year-old Brazilian charged down the face of a giant wall of
water at the same beach in Portugal where she nearly drowned in
2013.
“If there’s one thing I’ll never forget about this wave,
it’s the noise it made when it broke behind me,” Gabeira said. “It
was scary.”
“Brazilian Bombshell” + “Big Waves” = A clear marketing win for
the beleaguered World Surf League which has rumbled through a
series of gaffs since Coronavirus pulled the plug on competition.
CEO Erik Logan, who had come from the Oprah Winfrey Network and
styled himself as a “storyteller,” was only able to mimic
already-out-of-date YouTube unboxing videos and maybe something
else embarrassing that nobody watched.
“Brazilian Bombshell” + “Beating Boys” = legs for days and let
us keep our eye on this development. Let’s wonder if CEO Erik Logan
rumbled into a hit.
A smash as fabulous as Baz Luhrmann x Brazilian Bombshell Gisele
Bündchen + Chanel No. 5 – Justine Dupont.
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Photographer and shark attack survivor
captures harrowing moment Great White comes within metres of
surfers at Duranbah Beach!
By Derek Rielly
A bumper season.
It is, to put it mildly, bumper season for Great White
sharks on that fifty mile stretch between the Gold Coast
and Ballina.
(RIP Rob Pedretti, RIP Nick Slater and, a little further south,
RIP teenager Mani Hart-Deville. All surfers, all killed by Great
Whites in the last three months.)
And, six days ago, at the mouth of Tallebudgera Creek, a thin
cord of water that separates Palm Beach from Burleigh Heads, and
where you might paddle out when Burleigh is big, a twelve-foot
Great White was spotted.
Three days ago, photographer Chris Laught
(@mrmysto), born in South Oz but living in Cabarita
while he studies film at a vocational college in nearly Kingscliff,
was shooting Duranbah, a few hundred metres from where Nick Slater
was killed by a Great White two weeks earlier.
The waves, three-foot, a little bigger on the sets, dreamy as
hell. Not even six am and already forty guys were out chasing a
morning hit before the spring onshore.
The following day Chris is processing his shots on his laptop
when he sees a Great White swimming through a wave, fifteen feet
from surfers.
“I immediately thought I should right a shark hotline but
figured it’s already twelve hours too late,” he says.
Chris, who rides a bodyboard, knows about sharks.
He’s photographed, swam and surfed desert South Australia plenty
of times, seen Whites, knows guys who’ve been brushed.
And, he was hit, literally, by a bronze whaler while surfing at
Goolwa Beach south of Adelaide in 2012, the animal hitting his leg
with speed, “a massive collision” he calls it, “way harder than
being hit by a cricket ball.”
The collision crushed his calf muscle, gave him a thing called
compartment syndrome where pressure within the muscles builds to
dangerous levels. He’s had three bouts with deep vein thrombosis
and if he wants to fly anywhere he has to walk up and down the
aisles for most of the flight.
He laughs, a little uneasily maybe, when we talk about the White
at D-Bah. When he left South Oz to live on the NSW South Coast in
2016 he was thrilled to be in an area that, historically at least,
wasn’t known for big sharks.
But this year’s shift to the north coast, to Cabarita, has
coincided with the greatest concentration of Great White attacks on
surfers, anywhere, in history.
First, he was told to avoid South Wall Ballina. Then he started
seeing bait balls everywhere at Caba and started to think, this
doesn’t feel like the tropical sea change I thought it’d
be.
“You don’t associate Great Whites with Queensland,” he
says.
Chris was there, in the Caba carpark, when Christian Bungate
survived the hit by the eighteen-footer.
“The beach had just been evacuated and he showed me the tooth in
his foil,” says Chris. “He was really shaking, he juste wanted to
get out of there.”
Whites here, Whites there, now turning up close to shore, close
to surfers at D-Bah?
The photo put the wind up him?
“Oh man, I’d love to get the boog out at D-Bah, I still do, but
you have that wariness, the same you get when you surf desert South
Australia. You’re playing the numbers game up here, to be
honest.”
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Watch: Terror strikes northern California
town as mountain lion stalks children weeks after Great White shark
singles out woman!
By Chas Smith
Rules of war out the window.
Pacifica, California just south of San
Francisco was most famous for being home of funnyman Rob
Schneider until just three weeks ago when the town of just over
38,000 made news when a Great White shark singled out a female
surfer, amongst a group of men, and attempted to eat
her.
According to Bevan Bell, who was out amongst it, “I saw this big
gray shape, just under the surface of the water, and that top fin,
and the big shark went directly under her. The length of that
sucker was like 8 feet. It went right towards her, and as the wave
lifted her up [on her board], it literally went right under
her.”
Terrifying and awful, only eclipsed by today’s news. For today
it was revealed that a Mountain Lion is malingering around
Pacifica, trying to eat children out innocently playing.
Local Timothy Kerrisk was watching the children when we realized
an inappropriate Mountain Lion sitting calmly on his property along
Mason Drive was also watching the children go back and forth.
Back and forth.
Kerrisk recorded potential nastiness on his phone and screamed
for the children to leave.
The Mountain Lion jumped over a fence into the driveway and
continued to watch the children, likely smacking its lips.
Kerrisk said, “I was terrified. I was really afraid for the kids
and it was just pure adrenaline. I just came out and was like, ‘No,
no, no, get, get, get.’ And I was just chasing it like you would
like a regular cat, ‘Get out of here, get, get.’ And luckily it
turned and just kept going.”
But where did it go? Maybe to trade notes with the Great
White?
Coordinate an apocalypse that will leave only grown men in
Pacifica?
Utterly terrifying.
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros