A nasty biz.

Cancel your surf trip to Minnesota.

Researchers from the University of Minnesota Med School have found traces of found traces of SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes COVID-19, in Lake Superior.

You know the joint.

The scientists have been testing eight beaches along Lake Superior since July, and over the weekend of September 11, traces of the nasty gruel were found at four of the beaches.

The team believes swimmers and surfers carry the virus into the water via faecal matter.

And so, many questions.

The first, is, “carrying the virus into the water via faecal matter” the reaction from local surfers when they see the waves of the Great Lakes? A reflex from visitors to the area upon hearing the mid-west accent or tasting its food?

“People excrete the virus in their faeces, and people deposit faecal matter in lakes,” Amesh Adalja, a senior scholar at the Johns Hopkins Center for Health Security told Yahoo Life, adding “People go to the bathroom in lakes.”

Of all the petri dishes in science labs over the world, don’t the stagnant freshwater lakes seem to be the champions of breeding and hosting microorganisms that can cleave your insides in two?

One has to assume the way salt kills certain types of bacteria that ocean water could be the safer of the two.

One thing Great Lake surfers do not have to worry about in terms of coronavirus is maintaining social distancing as the crowds in the water rarely goes over ten peeps.

There is still no scientific evidence that the disease can be transmitted through water, however, so keep swimming in “faecal matter and SARS-CoV-2”, all good etc.

Horror news for VALS.

You don’t have to dive too deep into the morass of surf cliches to bump into the hoary ol “the best surfer out there is the one having the most fun” line.

Attributed to Phil Edwards, although he said nothing of the sort, which ain’t surprising, because a surfer like Philly-boy would’ve been deeply aware of the sport’s relentless mind-fucking; a sport that only reveals its secrets to the very young, rendering anyone joining the game after age twelve a life-long kook.

(There is, of course, nothing in this world that is sadder, or more hopelessly encouraged, than the late-in-the-game surfer.)

Now, an Australian academic, Robert Holt, has smashed the long-held, and deeply cherished, cliche in his PHD paper, Cape crusaders: an ethnography investigating the surfing subculture of Cape Naturaliste, Western Australia.

If you’re into the history of surfing in Western Australia, there isn’t a more comprehensive treatment, but it’s this excerpt that shines.

“The twin values my father imparted to me as a young footballer developing a feel for the game are correspondingly appropriate to surfing. ‘As long as you’re doing your best and having fun,’ he’d say. ‘That’s all that really matters.’ As a veteran surfer and as a cultural researcher I have observed many surfers in practice. The best surfers in the lineup are those who are having the most fun. These wave riders experience high doses of stoke. The most stoked surfers are those who catch waves and ride those waves to the best of their ability. These surfers experience hyper-fun. These surfers enjoy the surfing game, and surely, that is what really matters. This situation can be represented by the following simple equation.

Catching Waves + Wave Riding Performance = Surfing Fun.

Occam’s swishing blade in action, yes?

Read the full seventy-thousand-word thesis here. 

Welcome to womanhood, Bonnnie-Lou Coffey…

Amid much fanfare, the alternately sexually abused and joyfully promiscuous Ellie-Jean Coffey has brought her youngest sister, Bonnie-Lou, who has just turned eighteen, into the XXX-strip-for-cash game. 

EJ, you’ll remember from our recent flurry of mining-tits-for-clicks activity including, “QUEEN OF SURFING ELLIE-JEAN COFFEY LAUNCHES SEXY SUBSCRIBER-ONLY WEBSITE: “NIPPLE EXXXPOSED, COMPLETELY TOPLESS WITH MY LEGS SPREAD OPEN”

SURFING’S I-AM-WOMAN-HEAR-ME-ROAR MOMENT: WSL SURF STAR ELLIE JEAN COFFEY DESCRIBES PIVOT TO XXX-RATED SUBSCRIBER SERVICE AS “LIBERATING” AND SAYS “IT EMPOWERS ME TO MOTIVATE OTHER WOMEN TO NOT LIMIT THEMSELVES IN FEAR OF OTHERS’ OPINIONS.

PAYBACK: WORLD #25 SURFER MONETISES TOXIC MALE DESIRE AFTER ENDURING “YEARS OF ABUSE” AND “MISOGYNY” BY “MALE DOMINATED (SURF) INDUSTRY”

WORLD #25 WSL SURFER-TURNED-PORN-MAVEN ELLIE-JEAN COFFEY RELEASES BOMBSHELL CLAIMS AGAINST SURF INDUSTRY: “I WAS SPAT ON!”

FANS OF #25 WSL SURFER ELLIE-JEAN COFFEY EXPLODE ON REDDIT, “I JUST PAID $85 FOR HER “PRIVATE XXX SHOWER VIDEO WITH MY NIPPLES SHOWING”. HER NIPPLES ARE NOT VISIBLE AT ALL!”

You’ll also remember EJ’s twenty-two-year-old sis Holly-Daze debuting her own XXX site, her offerings including, “Bare pussy and topless”, “nipples poking through my top as I get into messy sucking” and “Close up on my (cat emoji) and (peach emoji) completely topless (purple devil emoji), rub it in daddy.”

Bonnie-Lou Coffey is the youngest sister in the four-pack of girls and one boy, and in her final year of high school.

Her Instagram account has almost half-a-million followers and many dedicated fans. 

In a recent post, Bonnie-Lou asked who would like to go on a double-date with her and a pal. 

“How much for you two to kiss? Perhaps throw a few fingers in each other too?” wrote one.

“I’ll take the 18 year old,” said another. 

BL’s debut with her big sister promises “naughty behaviour”. 

Looting?

Burning? 

Or something far more sinister?

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