Surfline Man is going to Jalama and he’s going to get so pitted.
When we last saw him, Surfline Man was driving west on Highway 1, looking for the Gaviota Pier.
He had big plans! Surfline Man was going to the Ranch and he was going to score the best waves ever.
It turns out that Surfline Man is very bad at reading a map.
Surfline Man is so confident he is going to make it to the Gaviota Pier on time. But somehow, when he looks around, Surfline Man discovers he’s nowhere near Gaviota.
Instead, he’s in Lompoc. This is very confusing.
How the fuck he ended up in Lompoc, Surfline Man is not at all certain. But he is certain that he’s totally not in Gaviota. He should have been there an hour ago. Surfline Man has missed the boat.
Surfline Man is not going to the Ranch today, that’s for sure. Surfline Man feels very disappointed. He was so looking forward to scoring such perfect waves with his bros. But now there’s no bros and no perfect waves. What the hell is going to do?
Surely, he can find a beach and go surfing. It’s California. There are beaches everywhere.
Surfline Man feels certain he can find one. There must be waves around here somewhere. Determined, Surfline Man pulls out his Google Maps. Better later than never.
Surfline Man is going to Jalama. Forget the Ranch. Surfline Man’s day is going to be so much better!
No dumb boat ride. No angry locals. No getting shut-out at some random spot that probably isn’t that great anyway. Surfline Man is going to Jalama and he’s going to get so pitted.
All he has to do is follow Jalama Road until it ends. Though he has to confess that he has not been crushing it on the whole directions thing lately, Surfline Man is pretty sure even he can figure this one out.
Follow the road. Get pitted. So simple.
Meanwhile in Gaviota, things weren’t exactly going to plan.
The hoist proved more tricky to maneuver than expected, and the boys nearly dropped the Zodiac. Once loaded up with bros and boards and the super essential cooler of beers, the rubber dingy sat low in the water. Like, super low.
And then the onshores started. Surfline Man loves his charts and graphs and forecasts, but no one ever got around to checking the weather report. Sagging deeply into the windswept seas, the rubber boat made very slow progress.
Suddenly, the beach appeared, and it was like really, really close. Blown by the wind, the bros and the boards and the beers ran aground. Shipwrecked!
The bros had not prepared for this eventuality. Bumping and grinding on the razor rocks, the boat quickly became well and truly stuck. Even worse, it seemed to be deflating! The air began to leak out of their boat. The bros, so stranded!
They had made it to the Ranch, sure. But now they had no boat, no surf, and no way home.
Resigned, the bros heave their sad, flaccid Zodiac up to the beach. They’re definitely not getting any farther by boat.
Abandon ship! They leave the boat right there on the beach. Nothing else to do.
Tucking their boards under their arms, the bros trudge toward Gaviota. They don’t know how far they have to travel, or how long it will take. At least the tide is low. For now.
Blissfully ignorant of his friends’ desperate fate, Surfline Man sprinters toward Jalama. Singing along to California Girls, Surfline Man can not even wait to see the waves! He’s heard so much about awesome barrels and stuff. Surfline Man is north of Point Conception, and he’s feeling so core now.
Reaching the end of Jalama Road, Surfline Man turns into the parking lot at Jalama.
To his surprise, it’s mostly empty. Surfline Man looks around amazed. No crowd! He’s totally going to score so many waves. Solo time with the ocean, this is exactly what he needs.
Surfline Man bounds out of the Sprinter and hurries to check the surf. He can’t even wait to see all the barrels out there, just waiting for him. His friends are going to be so jealous! They’re so going wish they’d come here instead of he stupid Ranch.
Standing on the beach, Surfline Man notices the wind for the first time. Sand whorls down the beach. Staring at the sea, Surfline Man sees an angry soup of swirling white water. Surfline Man is definitely not getting barreled today.
Surfing is just so frustrating sometimes. You try so hard, and it doesn’t even work out. Surfline Man drove all the way here. He slept in his Sprinter between the freeway and the freight trains. And he’s not even getting waves. Surfline Man is so sad now.
As he drives back along Jalama Road, even the Beach Boys can’t console him. This is not at all how it’s supposed to work. Surfline Man reads the charts and the graphs. He always knows before he goes. He always knows where to find waves. Skunked! Now he doesn’t even know what to do.
What he needs is a burrito. Surfline Man must find a taqueria as soon as possible. Burritos understand. Burritos understand when you miss the boat. Burritos understand when you drive two days to surf and get nothing. Burritos make everything better.
When he reaches Santa Barbara, Surfline Man pulls off the 101. There’s a taqueria with the best burritos ever. Surfline Man just has to remember where it is. Waiting at a stoplight, he pulls up Google Maps and has a look around. Engrossed in his phone, Surfline Man doesn’t notice the light turning green. Cars honk behind him.
Haley Street. That sounds right. Surfline Man pilots the Sprinter toward the half-remembered taqueria. The one-way streets confound him. Nothing is going right today.
Just as he places his order, Surfline Man sees the “cash only” sign. Shit. Surfline Man darts out to the Sprinter and digs around in the glove compartment. He must have this burrito. He finds a pair of twenties tucked away for emergencies. This is totally an emergency.
Reverently, Surfline Man unwraps his burrito. The first bite feels like heaven. It warms his soul or whatever it is that burritos warm. This is the best burrito ever.
The burrito revives Surfline Man’s spirits. This whole trip was such a learning experience! Surfline Man is totally going to be a better surfer because of it. Even the best surfers get skunked sometimes! He just needs to get smarter. Next time is going to be so different.
Surfline Man is going to read the weather reports so carefully now. It’s true that they don’t have as many pretty colors as the surf forecasts. Also, they have so many big words and the maps have all these weird squiggly lines. It’s hard to make sense of it all. Sometimes a man has to work for what he wants.
Packed with cars, the freeway rolls slowly. Surfline Man cues up some Grateful Dead and settles in. He’s so over the Beach Boys. They’re such a cliché. Surfline Man is going to listen to some real music now.
The Grateful Dead! They’re like so creative.
The time passes quickly as the Sprinter inches down the road. Surfline Man is not exactly making progress, but he doesn’t even care. Whatever. Just give him some good tunes and an awesome burrito, and he’ll get there.
Around sunset, Surfline Man reaches Rincon. From the freeway, he looks over his shoulder just in time to see a set roll through the cove. Gold-tinted spray shoots into the air as head-high waves tumble on the cobbles. A light breeze tickles the wave’s faces. It’s a dream of California.
Surfline Man considers turning around. He could paddle out and get waves. But as soon as he thinks of it, the perfect golden light fades to grey. Surfline Man is too late.
Shoulda been here an hour ago.
A little bit of Surfline Man lives inside all of us. When is the next installment? I can’t get enough. Keep it up!
1974, pushstart the vw, check santa monica buoy.3ft? ok, put wet cold sandy suit on….go out before sun….gonna be waves. Usually was.
Now?…maybe its the same? Just go out, from 2ft to 20ft…the old 7’6″ mantra.
Yes, you are correct. High pressure dome just shunting the jet up and north. You see that British Columbia mess? wow.
Ok super digression upon digression to follow….
I did the UCSB winter (San Diego summers) thing from about 75 to 78.
I only knew campus and sands and spots up there, didnt realize there was more to SB….haha. There are some great shelf waves around the college, just baby slabs of course, but still, glassy and clean makes it easy.
Took me awhile to figure out Vta, abit rough back then, the con seemed more fun. The meadow got good too. Easy dawn patrol for when the con was just a mess. I have to dig up some 8mm footage of the empty emerald there. I ended up in cito though, seemed like a kinda sleepy place, hide out, go semi feral in some old house.
You know, grow plants up in the trees like the bruddahs did? ( I failed).
But yeah, from then through 90s and then abit into 2000s was pretty good. Just consistently surfable, with periods of just going off everywhere. Straight 4-6 ft west hits all of california fairly equally, so people didnt end up needing to drive somewhere. Most places about the same size, plus or minus.
Thanksgiving time was ditch the whole dinner thing cause it was going off and would be empty! You could skip a day or so even, south winds? eh day off….too big and lumpy? Dawn patrol then. Or just go on automatic, show up because it was good yesterday, and be good tomorrow. Santa Monica buoy 3ft? Good enough to push start the bug and hit the road!!! (1954 with semaphore turn signals, gasoline powered vapor heater/spark plug ignitor in the front hood!!! Freaky and I tore it out for safety. shoulda saved the whole damn car…..duh)
….now tho? Forecast out 3 weeks for a 2 day swell? Its kinda like that frog boiling in water…..I mean, its gotten pretty bad and yet we all froth when its just junky and horrid beginner stuff. If it was honest to god 6ft I would heart attack anyways, like those loser dudes that die at the con!!! Doesnt seem fun, not that kicking in bed is better…..man I sure can digress.
Wind coming again, south to the beachies!! Its so flat tho! Computer models have been underestimating heights for the past few months, compared to actual readings…..if thats any consolation. WWesters are starting to lose it…..Model Riders…funny guys over there, some really good forecasters.
No way Jose! We used to have endless 270s….stacked clear across the pacific….now its 310s once a month. Hurricanes? Endless all summer…..Now? sucky sucky…climate change bites.
Of course, Im just living on memories now….haha…I forget the bad shit.
How was last January? Must have had some nice swell.
Can you name a summer with fewer Hurricane swells than 2021?
haha……Im just like the classic grumpy old local I used to hate…”eh it sucks now, it was really back….when ever” Insert year here.
That notwithsatnding, west/northwests/norths usually started in latish september, then ran through to may or so. Commuter surf was the bomb around here, 10 minutes to the point, crack it, then work all day, then hit the sundown…Now? I get out on the roads and traffic lock means I might now even get back home….Whatever happened to ZPG? I go local now, but its pretty flat in the mirarmar zone. Has its days…but….not lately. Its that high latitude jet track.
Hurricanes? .its just, they used to stack up from june through sept, overlapping nz swells…..you didnt even have to bother to check, just get u and go to the beach…..come all the way up almost to san diego. Perhaps it was just “my” time, and some friends have suggested, and nothing ever stays the same….. Go get some good ones somewheres!!
“The hoist proved more tricky to maneuver than expected, and the boys nearly dropped the Zodiac”
The Gaviota pier and hoist were damaged and have been inoperable since 2014.
7’6″ s were all I ever used for regular waves. 70s-90s. When it got big in cal, I mean, figuring how to get out was more important than actually surfing, if you could even do either. Some places handle, but SB has that transverse coast, we get the sweep pretty bad. Big, ugly, cement river sometimes. I think the storm track might be different now.
Stories from the Fail….many many.
must have got the patagucci welcome committee.
Did you ever hear the story about three prominent Rincon women being circled at that rivermouth?
Got an idea for you Jen…. have your character go to Surf beach and be eaten. It’s like a BG crossover piece, surfline man and shark attack, checking boxes.
Was thinking a whoop/shark attack article would be great too. Chas looses arm and whoop watch simultaneously.
Andy was way gnarlier at Bixby.
yep, and in SB, that could be 100 miles at one time, and maybe a couple meals; $$$ yikes, I did it too many times when I lived there lol
Too bad Charlie don’t night surf
Ts and cracks fucking go nutso on a huge south with socked in fog preventing the wind. i’d compare a few days there to uluwatu, no joke. when it’s huge
not if you actually live in SB. it’s simply not a surf town. IV gets some action, and Carp too. but the city is generally shitty. maybe 10000 steps on the right W swell
the JazzMan of Ventura. he shreds on various brass instruments, painting, and in the surf
Faria Burgers = way better
jalama’s blown out. like, always. surfline man blows too
The problem here is there are only two possibilities
a) dead flat
or
b) cold, howling onshore and slightly surfable
and they still get it wrong
He could’ve had a discussion about a menu change and tried to show them his gastronomic knowledge.
Mac n cheese, anyone ?