Omg. Surfline Man is going to Surf Ranch! He can’t even believe it!

Surfline Man is going to Surf Ranch, “So many barrels! He’s been meaning to start a vlog and document his awesome surfing journey. Surf Ranch could be the perfect opening episode!”

Surfline Man is going to rip so hard on his new Pyzel Ghost and get so totally barrelled.

It’s almost Christmas and Surfline Man can’t even decide what present he should give himself.

A new surfboard, probably.

Surfline Man is totally feeling the Christmas spirit this year! He just got a tin of peppermint bark from Williams-Sonoma from his aunt. It even has his name right there on the lid! Surfline Man has to admit, it’s actually super tasty. This morning, he ordered a mint mocha at the Pannikin.

So seasonal!

Puttering around his garage, Surfline Man decides he should hang some lights on the Sprinter. It would be so festive! Surfline Man can just picture it: Hanging out in the parking lot, getting ready to surf, with his Christmas lights all twinkling. Everyone would be super jealous!

But first, Surfline Man has important surfboard stuff to do. Priorities! He so totally needs to clean the wax off his favorite red fish. He saw something on the internet about how if he uses flour, the wax comes off super easy.

Surfline Man really likes easy. He also loves clean wax the most. It’s such a kook move to show up to the beach with dirty wax.

There’s just one problem. Without even looking, Surfline Man knows he definitely doesn’t have any flour in his kitchen. He left the sourdough starter with his ex in San Clemente. No more bread-making for him! He’s totally over it.

Rummaging around in his tool box, Surfline Man finds his paint scraper and goes to work.

Suddenly, his phone buzzes. So inconvenient! He was just getting into a groove. Like, totally the worst timing. Surfline Man figures he might as well look at it, since he’s all distracted now.

Hey Trent

Trey here, hope you’re good. It’s been a minute.

Some of the guys and I are going to Surf Ranch..

I heard you were really into surfing now. Want 
to join? I’ve got an extra spot.

It would be cool to catch up. I’m working on a 
new startup. Maybe you’d be into it.

No pressure!

Surf Ranch! Surfline Man feels so lightheaded right now. He could actually go to Surf Ranch? Omg.

Surfline Man would like, totally sell his favorite boards or something super vital like that to go to Surf Ranch. Well, maybe not the fish. He really, really likes his red fish. But definitely other things!

Surfline Man could totally get barreled. Just imagine! He feels lightheaded again. Surfline man sits down right there on the floor of his garage. Omg.

Of course, there’s a fly in the champagne. Or rain on his wedding day. Whatever. Metaphors, so confusing. Surfline Man can never keep them straight. Words are so complicated. Surfboards make way more sense.

The thing is, Trey is not exactly Surfline Man’s favorite person. He is like a total blast from the past. And not in the good, nostalgia way.

Before Surfline Man moved to San Clemente, which was before he moved to Cardiff, he lived in San Francisco. He had moved there after college to work for Google as a junior engineer. He was going to make so many awesome things!

After spending three years rearranging the same four lines of code, Surfline Man was totally over it, so he jumped at the chance to join a start-up. That’s where he met Trey, who was the VP of Marketing and Sales.

Working long hours at Elevate!, Surfline Man didn’t even notice his five roommates in the apartment he shared in Outer Sunset. Sometimes, he just spent the night at the office. It was easier and the couches were comfortable.

At the time, Surfline Man was so super committed to his company’s success. This was his big chance! Surfline Man was totally going to win capitalism. He had stock options and everything!

Surfline Man cringes at the memory. How could he have been so naïve!

One day, the CEO of Elevate! called Surfline Man and his coworkers into the conference room. It turned out that Surfline Man was not in fact going to win capitalism. The start-up had failed to secure its Series F funding, and it had totally run out of money.

On the bright side, the whole thing did help Surfline Man find his true calling. His final paycheck stuffed in his pocket, Surfline Man rode his electric scooter down to Sloat. There he saw surfers, changing in and out of neoprene, waxing boards, and doing other surfer things.

Surfline Man felt something. A pull. He wanted to be one of those surfers, talking in the parking lot. Surfline Man wanted to belong. He stood on the dunes and watched them paddle out.

Then Surfline Man went home and opened the work laptop he hadn’t yet returned. Where in California could he find the best and most consistent surf?

Surfline Man was going to surf so much now. He just needed some new surfboards and a place to live. Good thing he never had time to spend any of his salary from Elevate! Maybe he could do some consulting or something between surf sessions.

These days, Surfline Man doesn’t even want to remember all those bad start-up memories. Life is way more awesome now! Surfing is so much better than capitalism.

To be honest, Surfline Man never really liked Trey. They weren’t enemies or anything, but that whole tech world is totally full of fakers. Surfing is so real.

But Trey can pull Surfline Man through the sealed gates of Shangri La. Surfline Man can pretend to be friends for just one day. Also, he’s pretty sure he surfs way better than all those tech bros. He just has to like, try really hard not to roll his eyes when Trey pitches his amazing new start-up.

And maybe Surfline Man could get some good clips at Surf Ranch. So many barrels! He’s been meaning to start a vlog and document his awesome surfing journey. Surf Ranch could be the perfect opening episode. He could totally be internet famous!

Yesterday, when he was at the surf shop, Surfline Man saw a Pyzel Ghost, and he so totally almost bought it. Surfline Man has been thinking lately that he should get into thrusters. They’re like so high performance and precise and stuff. Now he has the perfect excuse!

Surfline Man loves his red fish, but Surf Ranch is totally a high-performance wave, so he’s going to need a board that’s up to the task. And if John John Florence likes it, it must be so good!

Surfline Man picks up his phone and fires back a text to his fake friend Trey.

omg yes i would be so stoked!
thank you for the invite!!!
when are you going?

Trey answers super fast, like he was totally waiting to hear back from Surfline Man. Surfline Man has to admit he is super flattered.

Next week! It’ll probably be cold,
so bring a warm wetsuit. I’ll send details
when I’m back at my desk. Look 
forward to seeing you!

Omg. Surfline Man is going to Surf Ranch! He can’t even believe it!

Surfline Man sets aside his Christmas lights. No time for that nonsense now. He has important surfing stuff to do! He must get to the surf shop straight away and buy a new surfboard.

Surfline Man is going to need new fins. And a traction pad. He’s not even sure what to buy. Doesn’t JJF have a signature traction pad? Surfline Man is sure he can figure it out. Surfing is his thing. He totally gets it.

Surfline Man can definitely pick the right fins and traction pad. He’s an expert!

Jotting notes in his phone, Surfline Man adds new wetsuit to his list. He’s heard it can be cold in Lemoore in December. He does not want to be too cold to get barreled!

That would be like the worst nightmare, right up there with all the other bad nightmares like showing up to school naked or getting lost on the way to the beach. But like, totally worse.

Surfline Man does not want to look stupid in front of his fake friend Trey and the other bros!

Surfline Man read there was a whole thing with the supply chain and wetsuits stuck on a boat or whatever. Don’t these people understand that Surfline Man has super good surfing to do at Surf Ranch? Amateurs.

With wild exuberance, Surfline Man jumps in the Sprinter. He has to get to the surf shop. He has so much to do right now!

Surfline Man is going to Surf Ranch! He can’t even wait. Surfline Man is going to rip so hard on his new Pyzel Ghost and get so totally barreled. He feels lightheaded just thinking about it. Surfline Man can’t even believe his good luck!

It’s the best Christmas gift ever!

"Look out JJF! Dog jumping shark on the way!"
"Look out JJF! Dog jumping shark on the way!"

New cellular phone video game utilizes 37 years of Hawaiian wave data allowing Mark Zuckerberg, Jonah Hill et. al. to surf the 2004 Eddie, 2017 Pipe Masters and more!

For the win.

I’m in Italy, as you may know, carving down the Dolomites, having espresso mid-mountain etc. and it is all so wonderful but don’t worry, I’ll describe fully later and soon. In the meantime, there is a new application for iOS called “Surf” that allows players to ride as a dog on a surfboard hopping over sharks.

Fantastical? Magically no, as the waves themselves happened in real life.

The creator, Andy Bergmann, actually used National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration to plug 37 years of real Hawaiian swell into the game, each of the 300 levels represent a condensed month of time starting in 1984. According to Fast Company, “To squeeze all this ocean data into the game, Bergmann tweaked his own algorithm hundreds of times in order to edit down tremendous amounts of real wave data into the shorter, surfable waves in the app. The notable nuance about these video game waves, however, is that they’re actually a wave chart . . . and wave charts correspond with how waves actually look.”

Bergmann says, “Oceanic movement is one of the most clear visualizations of math in the natural world. In cross-section, waves are essentially a moving line graph. You’ll encounter [a] surf in February 2016 so large it will actually carry you off the screen. Search the web, and you’ll find photos of those waves in real life, and read about ‘The Eddie,’ a surfing competition that occurs spontaneously only when the waves become gargantuan.”

All to say, Mark Zuckerberg, Jonah Hill and other surf-adjacent dreamers can now take that shark jumping dog and smash John John Florence at the aforementioned Eddie in 2016 or Bruce Irons in 2004 or even John John Florence again at the 2017 Pipe Masters.

All for only $2.

Cheaper than an electric foil.

Joe Rogan references “bad dog of surf” BeachGrit to 200-million listeners on insanely popular podcast during interview with Shane Dorian! “Oh play this! Sweet baby Jesus!”

Rogan reads the BeachGrit headline in his wonderful baritone, twisting it and wringing it like he would a chicken's neck. 

The insanely popular podcaster, and rare voice of the centre, Joe Rogan, has referenced “bad dog of surf”BeachGrit during an interview with Shane Dorian, a big-wave surfer and one-time Hollywood leading man.

BeachGrit was brought into play during a back and forth about a shark attack by a Great White at Dorian’s home break, Banyans, a couple of weeks back. Rogan reads the typically subdued BeachGrit headline in his wonderful baritone, twisting it and wringing it like he would a chicken’s neck.

There were a few sceptics at the time, one reader saying it was too shallow for a White, known more for their rocket-like hits coming out of the inky depths, than belting surfers at waist-deep reefs.

“That Banyan’s shark incident is assumed to have been a black tip reef shark that had been seen acting aggressive over the last week,” one wrote to BeachGrit. “Grabbed him by the arm and pulled him under and when it pulled him under it whipped around and hit him in the face with its tail. Broke his nose and his jaw and knocked his teeth out. The fireman said he had a nasty cut on his arm and he’ll have a good scar but that’s about the extent of it… The kid said that it was a White shark but everyone who was around said no, and the firemen who responded said no. They also said that if you rewind the surf cam back you can see it happen.”

On Rogan, Dorian dispels the naysayers and describes the event.

“My wife was talking to the girl who was next to him, the shark comes up, nails him, takes him underwater and she’s sitting there, holy shit, this guy is dead, and, holy shit, she thought she was dead too… the shark was moving crazy slow like a big slow submarine. And this massive tank of a shark is in four feet of water.”

“…and just sucked him underwater,” says Rogan.

“It didn’t suck him under, dude,” hoots Dorian, “It grabbed his arm with its jaws and pulled him under… And this girl, his board his gone, he’s gushing blood like crazy, haemorrhaging blood, she’s on her board paddling like crazy, he swam under her board and held under her board and she tried to paddle to the beach. She took off her leash and wrapped it super tight around his arm as a tourniquet. On the way in, another guy swam out and added another tourniquet. It saved his life.

Dorian adds that the surfer is still in ICU, his arm “horribly shredded, lost function in some of his fingers.”

@sarahbrady (Instagram)
@sarahbrady (Instagram)

Celebrated actor-cum-director, Malibu authoritarian Jonah Hill goes “sticker crazy” on new birthday longboard, adorns bottom with colorful flair!

Slide n glide.

I will tell you one thing lame about growing up: falling out of love with stickers. But do you remember when you used to dawn your local surf shop’s door, press your nose against the glass and select 1 – 3 stickers? My favorite were Pirate Surf, Billabonic and the Rusty R Dot. I would gather a baggie each summer when my family drove California’s coast to visit grandma down south and when I got home I would lay them out, gaze lovingly at each, then carefully apply them to my chest of drawers just like my North County, San Diego cousins did.


Of course, that magic fades and now I don’t now purchase stickers from surf shops, even though I still love them, so was overjoyed to see celebrated actor/director, Malibu stand-out, Jonah Hill in the throes of sticker magic on his just-passed birthday.

In a loving post from Hill’s surf instructor girlfriend (top), the white longboard can be seen, bejeweled from tip to tail and on the bottom with “Surf Jew” stickers amongst others.

Stickering the bottom a serious commitment to excellence.

Happy Birthday, Jonah Hill!

Ex-Huntington Beach mayor pro tempore, MMA legend Tito Ortiz lists Surf City harbour home for a neat $6 mil ahead of Christmas!

Room for a 50 ft yacht.

I am now sitting in the shadow of the Dolomites, sun setting, having completed a travel journey from Mother Ginger to Cortina in a record setting run. Draped in Moncler, feeling that cold mountain air, ready to ride. Oh, you’ll see my WHOOP numbers documenting the 30-hour sprint soon but in the meantime, former Huntington Beach Mayor Pro Tempore, and mixed martial arts legend, Tito Ortiz is selling his Huntington Harbour home, ahead of Christmas, for the low low price of 6 million United States dollars (adjusted for inflation).

Per the listing:

Built on Davenport Island in 2006, the 3,887-square-foot waterfront house has four bedrooms and four bathrooms. It backs onto a 50-foot dock with room for a yacht and a Duffy. Ortiz, a popular mixed martial arts fighter turned politician, bought the Tuscan-inspired house with its stone and stucco exterior, Spanish tile roof, arched doorways, and stone balustrades in 2008 for $3.25 million, property records show. He shared it at the time with ex-adult film star Jenna Jameson, the mother of his twin sons.

Features include a wood-paneled office just off the entry. A formal dining room with built-in china cabinets connects to a 300-bottle, temperature-controlled wine cellar with a rolling library ladder.

A fireplace warms the family room, opening the gourmet kitchen equipped with high-end appliances.

The interior boasts hand-laid limestone, wrought iron railings and custom woodwork.

Just off the primary suite is a harbor view patio. A see-through fireplace separates the primary bedroom from the bathroom, with its oversized soaking tub. Two walk-in closets add to the perks.


Did you know, though, that Cortina was site of one of the most famous World War I battles ever? A high altitude trench war where the Italians fought the Austro-Hungarians along the Lagazuoi Front?

I’m surprised “Lagazuoi Front” never became a surf-adjacent neo-punk outfit.

Learn more here.