Here we gooooo!
Here we gooooo!

Surf fans manic with glee as Tom Brady’s soon-to-be ex Gisele Bündchen alters tattoo to resemble former flame Kelly Slater!

Chas Smith

By

The most exciting surf-adjacent story of the last decade, one that has kept our kind up for days now, has taken yet another wild twist. Surf fans have been on edges of settees since it was revealed that Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady had each hired lawyers amid an unraveling marriage.

There had been whispers of troubles ever since the star quarterback had decided to un-retire and continue playing the game earlier last year but nobody expected divorce so sudden, so swift.

Eyes immediately turned to Kelly Slater. The greatest ever surfer and Bündchen had dated from 2005 through 2006 and not only formed a striking pair but also made each other very powerful. Slater won two of his eleven world titles in those years and Bündchen appeared on many, many magazine covers.

Might the two get back together and shine brighter than ever before?

Surf fans lit candles in hope though were thrown into panicked disarray when it was revealed, yesterday, that Leonardo DiCaprio and Josh Hartnett had emerged as potential challengers for her coveted hand.

Those same fans transitioned, today, however, to manic glee as the Brazilian supermodel stepped out with an altered tattoo.

Per Page Six:

As the sun appears to be setting on Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady’s marriage, the supermodel has made some eye-catching changes to one of her celestial tattoos.

On Thursday, the Brazilian beauty was snapped visiting a building in Miami (that happens to house legal offices) wearing cuffed jeans and a pair of flip-flops that showed off the updated ink on her right ankle.

While the design previously depicted a crescent moon surrounded by three stars, Bündchen appears to have turned it into a tree, with several branches curling upward around the stars.

A tree with several branches curling upward around the stars?

Absolutely not.

Even recently converted surf fans clearly recognized Slater’s iconic hairless head and steely gaze as witnessed at this past year’s Pipeline Pro (examine here).

First sage, now this.

Candles burning brightly.

A certain grandeur, yes?

Notoriously private world champion surfer Mick Fanning reveals breathtaking renovation of his multi-level oceanfront estate by celebrity stylists, “Makes an enormous emotional impact…profoundly moving!”

Derek Rielly

By

Swing through Fanning's three-storey house on eleven-thousand square feet of beachfront dirt…

Mick Fanning may be rich as hell and one of the Gold Coast’s most significant land owners but Mick’s never forgotten that he grew up in hard-scrabble Tweed Heads.

Fanning, forty-two, was the good samaritan who spent days on his jetski evacuating the wretched from their watery prisons during “one-in-one-thousand-year” floods on the NSW north coast, an hour or so south of Mick’s joint on the Gold Coast.

There ain’t a charity he won’t help, a child in need he won’t shower in gifts, a cause he won’t lend his imprimatur.

And, now, Mick has opened the door (reclaimed wood) to his Hamptons-themed three-storey house on eleven-thousand square feet of beachfront dirt at Bilinga, just across the road from Coolangatta airport there.

Mick paid $3.25 mill for the block in 2011 and built the three-level house, complete with elevator for the lazy or invalided, two years later.

It’s the same place Mick’s mysterious strawberry blonde stalker busted into a couple of years back.

“I occasionally want to kill you … to end our occasional miserable bullshit,” the woman told Fanning in a letter prior to her unannounced visit.

Anyway, celebrity stylists Three Birds Renovation did a number on the joint, turning Mick’s house, which is available for holiday rentals ’cause Mick don’t live there anymore, into the sorta Palm Springs themed place André Balazs had in mind when he redeveloped the old Golden Crest Hotel Retirement Home on 8300 Sunset, West Hollywood.

(RIP The Standard West Hollywood)

Lot of white walls, white floors, ping pong table, sunken lounge, fireplaces etc.

Fanning, of course, retired from professional surfing four years ago to concentrate on family and money following seventeen years on the tour where he accumulated twenty-two wins, three world titles and a dreadful Great White encounter.

Surf fans break into cold sweat as Leonardo DiCaprio, Josh Hartnett emerge as challengers to Kelly Slater winning Gisele Bündchen’s coveted hand!

Chas Smith

By

Troubling reports.

Surf fans have been on a roller coaster, for the past four days, since it was revealed that Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen may be headed toward divorce after each hired lawyers. The football great and Brazilian supermodel have allegedly been living in a “sexless marriage” among other such troubles whipping the aforementioned fans into an obscene frenzy.

History’s best surfer, Kelly Slater, you see, dated Bündchen for a year plus and candles were lit in hopes that the two might rekindle their storied romance.

Today, though, troubling reports are emerging that Slater may have competition. Page Six has listed Bünchen’s past boyfriends including model Scott Barnhill, polo player Rico Mansur and businessman João Paulo Diniz. Slater, concerningly, finds himself sandwiched between actors Leonardo DiCaprio and Josh Hartnett with other actor, and Captain America, Chris Evans just trailing.

The respected gossip source writes, “Shortly after her split with DiCaprio, Bündchen started dating professional surfer Kelly Slater. The pair lasted until early 2006 before they decided to go their separate ways.”

Not overly turgid.

This is the time, though, surf fans must be strong and not give up hope. Our champion will be tested, no doubt, but we must have faith in his prowess and ability to outshine stars. He is, after all, very skilled in managing priority etc.

Still, light two candles, please.

Disaster looms for world’s first wave pool after string of setbacks as local officials wring hands in worry: “Surf Snowdonia is important for the reputation of the whole of north Wales!”

Chas Smith

By

But a silver lining?

Before Kelly Slater wowed us with his miracle in Lemoore, there was Surf Snowdonia. Oh but do you remember the very first commercial wave tank there in pastoral Wales? Do you recall the very first time you saw waves, almost real waves, peeling across a lagoon miles away from the coast?

Inspirational. Dream-like. The park, which opened in 2015, used Wavegarden technology and found itself in pastoral northern Wales but lo, things have gone sour of late and Snowdonia’s owners fear that they might have to sell the glory.

The head of Tourism North Wales, Jim Jones, put on a brave face about this bad news, telling the BBC, “I’ve no doubt it will continue. I think it’s extremely important to us in north Wales because we built our brand as ‘adventure capital’ on the back of Adventure Parc Snowdonia and many others. It’s probably one of the biggest attractions in north Wales, the investment in that site has been millions. It’s important not only for the rural areas of Conwy, but for the reputation of the whole of north Wales.”

The problems facing the tub are myriad including Covid closures and mechanical troubles though a new Hilton Garden Inn and Spa just opened providing hope.

Jim Jones added, “It would be a disaster if anything happened to it, but I’m absolutely convinced that an investor will come along and continue the good work that the Ainscough family have put into it.”

Worst case scenario, I suppose, Mr. Jones can lean into his name and turn the hotel and pool into a new Peoples Temple.

Fun.

Mendes displays a ferocious competitive spirit in his infamous stoush with Mikey Wright from a few years back, pushing a fist into the Australian's chest over alleged wrongdoings in the surf.

In wildly ironic twist, Brazilian surf star defects to Italy for 2024 Olympics as Hawaiian wife set to surf for Brazil, “My great-grandfather on my father’s side was Calabrian!”

Derek Rielly

By

Roma signs Brazil's fourth-best goofyfooter for Teahupoo Olympic showdown!

Nationality swapping ain’t new when it comes to that dirty two-week sports carnival called the Olympic Games. 

Rare is the country that don’t fast-track an athletically gifted immigrant or wannabe immigrant if it gets a little extra glitter in the country’s medal cabinet. 

Kenyan distance runners, Jamaican springers, Russian wrestlers, Cuban boxers can choose whatever passport they want, pretty much. 

The Cuban-born British triple jumper Yamilé Aldama, for one, has competed for Cuba, Britain and the  Sudan. 

Sao Paulo’s Jesse Mendes, who doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting to Teahupoo in 2024 with a triumvirate of Brazilians world champions, Medina, Toledo and Ferreira, vying for the country’s two spots, has switched his allegiance to Italy. 

“My great-grandfather on my father’s side was Calabrian, my mother is also of European origins,” says Mendes, a strikingly unique beauty who is twenty-nine. “It took a while to get a passport but now I’m really happy: I’m a very good friend of Leo Fioravanti and my dream is to go to the 2024 Paris Olympics.” 

To add to the Italians’ surf muscle, another Brazilian, the 2015 world champ Adrian de Souza is the Italian national surf coach. 

“[Adriano] can make this new generation of Italian surfers strong and our nation will have a future in competitive surfing,” says Fioravanti.

Readers will be familiar with Jesse Mendes’ wife, the Kauai-raised Tatiana Weston-Webb who surfed as American on tour but switched to Brazil prior to the Tokyo Games, where she finished ninth.

“Brazil has always been an important part of who I am and, recently, I was approached by the Brazilian Olympic Committee with an opportunity to represent the country in a major way,” she said.

Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by @theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
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