Kelly Slater (pictured) hiding assets.
Kelly Slater (pictured) hiding assets.

Surf fans woefully sob as source reveals Gisele Bündchen’s breakup with Tom Brady due his fear of retirement leaving steamy reunion with world’s oldest professional surfer Kelly Slater in sudden doubt!

Buy candles in bulk.

What a difference a day makes. Less than twenty-four hours ago, surf fans had never been so high, riding to the very crest of a wave that has been building all week. Namely, the revelation that Gisele Bündchen and her husband Tom Brady had each hired divorce lawyers and were not “hanging out,” as it were.

The two had been married for over a decade but suddenly, and seemingly without warning, separation hung heavy in the air. While this fact was, and is, sad, surf fans couldn’t help but feel a rush of emotion, of hope that maybe Bündchen was on her way back to the world’s greatest surfer, Cocoa Beach’s Kelly Slater.

The Brazilian supermodel and eleven-time world champion had dated during 2005, 2006 and formed the very picture of beauty, brains, international sexy.


And, thus, the aforementioned surf fans have been hanging on every drip, every drop from the saga, finding references to Kelly Slater everywhere. Bündchen was seen sending smoke signals to Slater, saging her car, visiting a faith healer, altering a tattoo, dropping praying hands emoji underneath a comment about love and commitment (or something).

The pure joy but today, now, possible heartbreak looms as a new revelation directly implicates Slater’s life choices as “unaligned.”

Per the New York Post:

Speaking recently to Us Weekly, an insider said friends of Brady, 45, and Bündchen, 42, “are upset” at the Buccaneers quarterback “for going back on his word and coming out of retirement,” referencing his NFL change of heart.

“They hate the way Tom is refusing to bend for Gisele,” the source continued.

Allegations of discord between Brady and Bündchen first surfaced in September, when Page Six exclusively reported that the pair had engaged in heated arguments over his NFL return. A source later stated, however, that their issues have “nothing to do with his decision to return to the NFL,” noting the claims are “sexist.”

“The problems are not due to his decision to play football again — sometimes things are complicated,” the source said.

While glimmers of optimism can be found in the later source, surf fans can’t help but remember when Slater said he was going to retire right after Joel Parkinson said he was going to retire then didn’t.

Let’s choose to still believe, though, that Slater’s past misstep won’t harm our future happiness.

Let’s light five candles each.

Eat, pray, I'm LOVING it!
Eat, pray, I'm LOVING it!

World Surf League CEO Erik Logan reaches peak Erik Logan by suggesting book for legion of fans: “People refer to this book as the business version of Eat, Pray, Love. (Highly recommended!)”

Put your hands together, please.

The World Surf League’s CEO, Erik Logan, delighted his legion of fans, hours ago, by reaching peak Erik Logan. The handsome fifty-something had been getting closer and closer in recent months, after suffering a near-fatal surfing accident in Tahiti, handsomely trimming his beard, rolling out almost unbelievably robust viewership numbers, but nobody thought he would summit this quickly.

Logan lives to surprise, though, and took to Instagram this morning to inspire with a black square reading, “Be aware of self talk & Fight with compassion.” A fine enough sentiment, to be sure, even though the meaning of “self talk” is not necessarily self evident. No matter, as the moment of victory came in the caption which read, “Self Talk is one of the most important things in your daily life. I wanted to share this segment from an interview I did with Ben Feder. Ben is one of the most accomplished business leaders of our time. “Be aware of Self Talk and FIGHT it with Compassion.” Currently, he’s the President of International Partnerships at Tencent and an acclaimed author. (Among many other things!) His book, “Take Off Your Shoes: One man’s journey from the boardroom to Bali and back is a must-read. People refer to this book as the business version of Eat, Pray, Love. (Highly recommended!).”

And there we have it. Highly recommending the “business version of Eat, Pray, Love.”

Join surfers around the world today in celebration of this momentous accomplishment.

Adams (right) in process of giving man illegal headache.
Adams (right) in process of giving man illegal headache.

In echo of famed surf podcast scuffle, Las Vegas Raiders’ Davante Adams charged with assault after lightly shoving sporting journalist!

The full Goggans.

But who could have ever imagined that a small scuffle, occurring at the very beginning of 2018 between Stab magazine’s Ashton Goggans and BeachGrit’s Chas Smith on a podcast hosted by then single David Lee Scales, would have changed the course of sporting history?

Wild days.

As it was nearly five years ago, now, you may have forgotten the moment when the aforementioned Smith leapt across a reclaimed wooden coffee table at Goggans, who had been saying things he deemed uninformed into a microphone.

The two locked into a light embrace, which included some swaying, some high-pitched “hey man”s until broken up by Scales.

Childish and silly, Smith semi-regretted the encounter until receiving a call from the Orange County Sheriff Department informing him that Goggans was hoping to press assault charges. That he, himself, had called the law and attempted to really teach him a lesson by sending him to jail.

Goggans (right) after becoming lightly scuffled, before calling police.
Goggans (right) after becoming lightly scuffled, before calling police.

That put a right burr under Smith’s saddle and the rest, as they say, is history. A history, unfortunately, repeated days ago on the august gridiron when superstar wide receiver Davante Adams lightly shoved a sporting journalist after a tough loss to the Denver Broncos and was slapped with the law.


Raiders wide receiver Davante Adams has been charged with misdemeanor assault for shoving a credentialed media worker after Monday’s loss in Kansas City to the Chiefs.

Adams was cited for an “intentional, overt act” that inflicted “bodily injury,” according to court records released Wednesday.

The man shoved by Adams, identified by police as Ryan Zebley, suffered whiplash, a headache and a possible minor concussion from the incident, according to records. Zebley was working for ESPN’s Monday Night Football as a freelance photographer.

The charges were filed Wednesday morning in Municipal Court of Kansas City. Adams is due in court Nov. 10.

If convicted, Adams could face a jail term of up to six months or a fine of up to $1,000.

Goggansing, man.

Slater and his faith healer Charlie Goldsmith. | Photo: Lost Tapes

History’s most decorated surfer Kelly Slater reignites vaccine mandate debate with most explosive social media post yet, “I could voice a lot about hypocrisy and lies from our media and politicians…”

"If you’re vaccinated why are you concerned/worried about anyone else’s status… unless, of course, it doesn’t protect you?"

Kelly Slater’s views of government-mandated vaccines are hardly a secret. 

When the former world number one tennis player Novak Djokovic was forced to withdraw from the US Open in August due to travel restrictions into the US as a result of being unvaccinated Slater wrote, 

“Is the US really still doing this? @djokernole you deserve better. Or you could just walk across the southern border. RIDICULOUS”

In January, Slater waded into a similar fracas when Djokovic was booted out of Australia despite a vaccine-exemption. 

“Maybe Stockholm Syndrome can now change its name to Melbourne/Australia Syndrome,” Slater wrote. “It’s sad to see the celebrated division by the ‘virtuous; vaccinated. If you’re vaccinated why are you concerned/worried about anyone else’s status… unless, of course, it doesn’t protect you? Or you’re scared you’ll catch it or upset you had to take the risk of vaccination yourself? So much brainwashed hatred in people’s hearts regardless of vax status.”

When readers argued against his case, Slater was quick to push the blade home, demonstrating a broad knowledge of the disease and the hastily produced vaccine, deftly shutting the door on debate.

Hoarse was the phlegm of the snicker from surf fans, however, convinced of the righteousness of government and the infallibility of the vaccines and so on.

But was Slater…right? 

Today, and along with running a video of Dutch political Rob Roos speaking to the European Parliament’s special committee on the COVID-19 pandemic Slater wrote, 

“I could voice a lot about hypocrisy and lies from our media and politicians but I’ll just leave this here. The number of people who got ridiculed and cancelled for reasonably and responsibly questioning an untested and unproven medicine is startling. This tore families and friendships apart and cost people their careers. Sad to see. And they’re still pushing this somehow.” 


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A post shared by SAMANTHA MARIKA (@samanthamarikaa)

A not unreasonable position, I think, although I do always wonder who…they…are?

Do you know? Ruskis? Random commie bastards? Incels? Eunuchs? Furries?

And fair enough, too, for Slater to light up.

He was belted by the press a year ago when he claimed he knew more “about being healthy than 99 percent of doctors.” 

“Most of my covid info comes directly from doctor friends, many of them in disagreement with the official ‘science’,” Slater wrote at the time. “I had another of many friends have horrible reaction to the vaccine just today. She thought she was dying and fears her quality of life has changed in the past few days for good. My mom also is part of those underreported stats. Other friends have literally died from it… plenty of doctors also talk about this but your algorithm isn’t feeding it to you. It’s wild that people don’t believe we are born with the ability of our bodies to adjust and prepare for different health issues. Covid exposes the unhealthy underlying patterns and issues in people.”

Surf fans riding wild emotional wave break into lusty cheers as Giselle Bündchen appears to send coded message to Kelly Slater in wake of Tom Brady troubles!

Could this be it?

Can you, as a surf fan, take anymore? The wild highs, the depressing lows of this ongoing saga involving Gisele Bündchen, her estranged husband Tom Brady and one-time flame Kelly Slater? It is, truly, almost too much but surf fans are, if anything, steady in wanting, needing to see a reconciliation between the Brazilian supermodel and her surfing champion.

As you may, or may not, know, the two dated from 2005 through 2006 and very successfully. Bünchen appeared on many magazine covers and walked many runways. Slater won two of his eleven world titles. A power couple we had not since Madonna dated our Kaipo Guerrero in 1985.

Bündchen and Slater represented a second coming but life, in the form of a dashing quarterback, got in the way.

Hope, though, has bubbled through and surf fans have lit candles, riding the wild highs and depressing lows in the same manner we follow the big wave career of current champion Filipe Toledo.

Days ago, it appeared as if Bündchen sent a coded message to Slater by saging her car. Days after that she visited a faith healer. And now? Well, hours ago, life coach Jay Shetty took to Instagram and penned, “You can’t be in a committed relationship with someone who is inconsistent. Read that again.”

A fine sentiment that Bündchen responded to with a praying hands emoji.

And there has been no more consistent surfer than Kelly Slater what with his aforementioned eleven world titles and also general je ne sais quoi. The Pipeline Master rarely breaks surprises in his long-held positions. He doesn’t like flat earthers and never has. He does, on the other hand, enjoy golf and always has. He is skeptical of big pharma, environmentally conscious, doesn’t “go along with the crowd,” etc.

As solid as a stone.


Could this be it?

Is there anything else we can light besides candles?