World Surf League breeds "an unmissable abomination!"

Fans of professional surfing, as produced and broadcast by the World Surf League, have long been frustrated by the patented Wall of Positive Noise™. Brought into existence in 2015, circa 1976, the Wall™ has managed to keep any negativity whatsoever, as it relates to surfing professionally, off the airwaves. No surfers are bad, no surfing lacking, as a crack team of commenters pour pure praise on every single moment.

Current champion Filipe Toledo, and his brave act of cowardice at Teahupo’o wherein he refused to paddle for a wave in 2015 then reprised the glory in 2022, is met with fawning oohs and ahhs from the booth.

He was entirely clinical in his approach to not dropping in while AARP gentleman shared waves.

Strategic.

Artful.

Oh the Wall™ is not reserved for our heroes and heroines alone. The World Surf League, itself, is also the most successful enterprise on earth with millions upon millions of allegedly new consumers converting each and every day shooting viewer numbers on the just-wrapped final’s day through the roof.

Well, the whole business has attracted those responsible for airing World Cup soccer in the United States, allegedly, though the proper sporting media has not been as tolerant.

International headlines, today, scream, “Fox Sports’ US World Cup coverage is an unmissable abomination.”

A sampling:

At a time when things are clicking on the pitch for the US men’s national team and America finally has a generation of footballers with the technical quality to challenge the world’s best, there’s been something faintly reassuring about Fox Sports’ approach to this tournament. Whereas the USMNT is now a cosmopolitan ensemble of feather-fine talents, the Fox team is the equivalent of a farmers’ league XI that hoofs it long and hopes for the best.

And…

In these circumstances you might expect Fox’s coverage of the matches, untroubled by politics, to be razor-sharp. You would be mistaken. From its Orientalist redoubt on the Doha Corniche (Arabesque motifs, casino lighting, no actual Arabs unless they’re from the Qatari tourism agency), the Fox team has set about its task with vigor: to beam all the tournament matches into the living rooms of America while being maximally patronizing to the country’s soccer fans. In those rare moments when Fox is not jamming a brand down our throats (“Here’s the player to watch segment, presented by Coca-Cola”, “Your first-half moment, sponsored by Verizon”, “Our player spotlight is hosted by the Volkswagen ID.4”), the network’s hosts, analysts, and match commentators seem determined to mansplain the sport as if we, the soccer-watching public of the United States, have spent the past four decades with our heads in the desert sands surrounding Lusail Iconic Stadium.

To…

Take a moment to appreciate the full dizzying scope of Fox’s witlessness in Qatar. After Rob Stone noted, in the lead-up to the group match between Brazil and Serbia, that the Brazilians have won the World Cup five times – perhaps the most widely known World Cup statistic of all – a wide-eyed Dempsey exclaimed, “Wow, you really did your research!” During France v Denmark, match commentator JP Dellacamera described Kylian Mbappé as “a kid who’s 23 and already the whole world is talking about him,” an evaluation whose awestruck “already” suggested that JP has watched close to no football over the past half decade. Donovan started the tournament pronouncing Iran “Eye-ran”, witnessed Tyler Adams being corrected by an Iranian journalist for mispronouncing his country’s name – then continued to call the country “Eye-ran”.

But does it sound familiar?

Joe Turpel?

Martin Potter (RIP)?

Sorry, world.

Sincerely, WSL.

Nothing to see here.

We last left Shakira on Spain’s northern coast, soothing her broken heart through the cathartic properties of surfing.

Her marriage to Spanish soccer stud Gerard Pique, you see, had unraveled and what better place to rehabilitate than amongst the rolling waves?

The lapping tides?

The Colombian chanteuse is no stranger to the lineup, having taken trips to various Wavegardens, tropical beaches etc. and surfers, everywhere, understood her decision. Better in the drink than the drink in her.

As things happen, out in the waters, fresh love can spark and rumors have burst forth that Shakira has fallen madly in love with her dashing surf instructor, has introduced him to her family and all the other bells and whistles.

Surf instructor certainly for the win.

After days upon days of wagging tongues, though, the hitmaker struck out, delivering a devastating slap to tabloids and especially of the surf varietal, declaring,  “Out of respect for my children and the vulnerable moment they are going through, I ask the media to stop the speculation. I have no partner and nothing other than devoting myself entirely to my children and their welfare.”

Surf instructor unfortunately for the lose.

But do think that, if the two are indeed together, he will forgive her publicly denying his existence? “I have no partner and nothing other than devoting myself etc.” definitively harsh.

Also, if you were one of Shakira’s children, would you enjoy being raised by a surf instructor? Might one of them become the next Gabriel Medina who was raised by his surf shop owning step-father?

Also, has the surf instructor’s stock ever been so high?

Lastly, do you imagine Shakira’s children’s welfare is buoyed or harmed by an alleged attachment to someone in the surf instruction industry?

That’s all for now.

Human potential.

The Liver King steroid scandal has stunned many corners of this great globe but none more than the one occupied by surfers. Performance enhancing drugs are generally not central to the conversation of those who find pleasure on the ocean’s waves but with professionals who compete at the highest levels advertising banned substances on social media and the clearly non-existent testing conducted by the World Surf League, many are wondering if they should be.

Might a little injection of pure testosterone give one the guts to paddle Teahupo’o, for example?

Well, noted surf personality interview Joe Rogan waded straight into the waters this weekend and used his new enemy, the once-great mixed martial artist Conor McGregor, as his punching bag.

McGregor, you certainly recall, bashed Rogan last week, calling him a “f*cking tick” while declaring, “Proper Twelve blow the jaw off you stick to that other gick boondock head.”

So Rogan’s latest guest was a performance enhancing drug expert and the two discussed McGregor’s astounding new musculature with Rogan declaring, “He’s taking his shirt off and posing constantly and he looks like his piss would melt that USADA cup. Like it would just like burn a hole right through the bottom of that USADA cup.”

The USADA is, of course, the United States Anti-Doping Agency.

And this spike in anabolic steroid interest hasn’t been so great since Brian “The Boz” Bosworth was playing football in Erik Logan’s Oklahoma. Since Ivan Drago went toe to with Rocky Balboa in Moscow on Christmas Day.

And, thus, I ask again for surfers everywhere. Should one of our heroes or heroines give it all a go?

Is one already giving it a go?

Human potential.