“Tucker Carlson of surf media” looks warily over shoulder, grows increasingly paranoid after popular Fox namesake stabbed in back and left to bleed out!

"They’ve got their Bill O’Riellys and their made-up name people. People on their message board and it’s vicious."

Wild days, these, increasingly off the rails. The world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater is no longer a member in good standing of the top tour. Those powers’ that be changed their entire rule structure under the cover of darkness in order to let him malinger. Two-time champion Tyler Wright is angry at her compromised father and both Don Lemon plus Tucker Carlson have lost their jobs, allegedly without warning and overnight.

While Lemon was… pretty lame and inconsequential, Carlson is a titan of the media landscape, drawing more viewers than CNN, MSNBC, OAN networks combined.

But why the ouster?

Rumors are burning hot that Fox had grown tired of his antics, frustrated by his personality, maybe sitting on a cache of incriminating texts, maybe angry that he just gave a speech all overtly religious but each, just that.


And if such a powerful figure can be disappeared without reason, what about lightly less powerful figures in the surf space?

Four years ago, as you certainly recall, essential surf voice Chris Cote took to the airwaves to declare:

And I realized, you’re gonna like this, BeachGrit is Fox News of surf media. Think about it, right. They talk to their base. They fire up their base. Chas is kind of like the Tucker Carlson of surf media. They’ve got their Bill O’Riellys and their made-up name people. People on their message board and it’s vicious. But it’s a lot of fun and it’s a privilege and an honor to give BeachGrit so much to talk about.

At the time I was frustrated by the comparison on an aesthetic level. This morning I am very scared. Might I wake up to a note in my inbox from BeachGrit‘s Rupert Murdoch, one Derek Rielly, thanking me for my service and cooly dismissing me?

What would I do?

Where would I go?

Like Carlson, I fear bridges have been torched at The Inertia, Surfer, Stab, Surfline, the World Surf League, Surf Equity, Stu Nettle, Magic Seaweed (RIP) and everywhere else.

Rip Curl?

That bridge has likely been torched as well.

Mick Fanning.

Light a candle for me, please.

The wait is finally over as award-winning “Ground Swell: The Other Side of Fear” feat. Josh Brolin’s velvety pipes releases to wave-starved public!

As satisfying as it is terrifying.

The World Surf League, as you know, has been in a wave slump all season long. Aside from a day at Pipeline and a day or two at Margaret River, the swell quality has been terrible leaving surfers injured and surf fans sad. Of course eternal sunshine burns brightly in the spotless minds of Erik Logan, Jessi Miley-Dyer, Dave Prodan and crew but we, the proud and few, are in a terrible state.

Thankfully there are other outlets.

For Monster Energy, today, has released the award-winning documentary “Ground Swell: The Other Side of Fear.” Featuring standout big wave studs Nic Von Rupp, Makua Rothman, Torrey Meister, Bianca Valenti and Matt Bromley, the picture documents the 2022-23 big wave season which just so happened to be extremely all-time.

“It’s the best coverage ever of Nazare and really tells the story of the place and what it’s like to surf there – plus they captured my best waves ever there, and I’ve been surfing there for years,” Rupp said.

“Dare to be moved by great cinematic storytelling. Nazaré like you’ve never seen,” BeachGrit’s Chas Smith added.

Mavericks and Jaws are featured alongside Portugal’s crown jewel but the best part, maybe, is narration from the one and only Josh Brolin.

“It’s an important film. There’s something raw about it, stripped down, very human, and real. I loved being involved. It touches people’s hearts, and that’s all that matters,” the Dune star declared.

Did I already tell you about the time that my brother’s high school friend babysat for Josh Brolin and/or Minnie Driver’s child and/or children when the couple was engaged and living in Atascadero, California? I can’t recall if the youngster was theirs, or from a previous relationship, nor can I recall if it was Driver’s or Brolin’s. There’s not much more than that to the story but I find it interesting enough.

In any case, while Margaret River is off, yet again, spend some QT watching a work surf historian Matt Warsaw described as “as satisfying as it is terrifying!”

Buy or rent here.

In chilling prophecy, world’s most inspirational surfer Bethany Hamilton warns against Third World men “suppressing hormones” to get rich competing against women!

“You have to look long term and what things could look like in twenty or fifty years.”

You’ll certainly remember the online wailing and the swift cancellation of  inspirational shark attack survivor Bethany Hamilton after she voiced her displeasure at the WSL’s new trans-inclusionary policy. 

Hamilton opened a Pandora’s Box when she recorded a piece to camera damning the WSL’s decision to let T-Girls compete in the gal’s div at the highest level so long as testosterone no longer flooded their veins, although the self-testing criteria did allow a little wriggle room, as they say.

The thirty-three-year-old mammy of three with another on the way who lost her arm in a shark attack in 2003, said she was speaking for tour surfers who felt muzzled, agreed with Kelly Slater who called for a trans-only div and added she’d boycott events if it went ahead.

The WSL responded by apparently disappearing Hamilton from its second annual International Women’s Day celebration. Last year when Tour surfers donned competition singlets adorned with the names of inspirational women during the MEO Rip Curl Portugal Pro, Hamilton’s name was chosen three times. 

This year, zero. 

Now, in a chilling warning should sporting chiefs continue to allow biological men into the women’s divs, Hamilton says we must look deep into the future to see what the game is going to look like. 


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A post shared by Surf Equity⚖️ (@surfequity)

Responding online to the question, “How many transgender athletes are joining the League?” Hamilton writes, 

“I don’t think that’s a fair place to start because you have to think long term and what things could look like in 20-50 years. For example, a young male from a poverty stricken country may decide to suppress his hormones in hopes to make money and get out of poverty. 

“When he may not succeed in the mens division but he may thrive with the women. Kinda an extreme example. But I find it strange seeing in others ports men who did not find the success they wanted and switch to the women’s and then did succeed.” 

An unsettling prophecy, yes?

Little boys in war-torn Sudan or wretched Zimbabwe being fed tablets and told to girl-up so they can bring home the meagre prizewinning from the women’s div?

Kelly Slater (pictured) celebrating with non-alcoholic bubbly apple juice.
Kelly Slater (pictured) celebrating with non-alcoholic bubbly apple juice.

Kelly Slater bandmate and longtime friend Peter King teases new multi-billion dollar Saudi Arabia-backed professional surf tour!

A perfect storm?

The World Surf League, founded in 2015, has had a banner last few years according to Chief of Executives Erik Logan. The former Oprah Winfrey Network president has been nothing if not bullish, in his role as influencer, posting many Instagram messages wherein the unprecedented growth, synergies and vectors, partnership ragout, REAL MOMENTUM is highlighted and celebrated.

Bailey Ladders.

With the mid-season cut now in the rearview, the League can focus on the remaining stops leading to San Clemente, California and the crowning of champions at 2 – 3ft Lower Trestles.

Exciting but surf fans, ever grouchy, still find room to complain. Too many surfers, waves not good enough, judging dumb, Jessi Miley-Dyer’s sunglasses, grouse, grouse, grouse.

Might there be enough discontent for the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia to realize another grand sportswashing opportunity?

You certainly recall just last year when LIV Golf sprung to life heaping millions of dollars on participants who left the nearly 100 year old PGA Tour in the dust.

So long, suckers.

The thought of an fresh league upending an established one would have been impossible if not for Saudi billions and herein lies a delectable tease from Momentum Generation funnyman Peter King.

The photographer responded, days ago, to a disgruntled surf fan frustrated by the “nauseating” WSL and wishing professional surfers could “go somewhere else” by saying, “One is coming very soon. Think LIV your but for surfing.”

“Your” certainly code for “tour.”

And boom.

A paired down slam series featuring only the best surfers in only the best waves with only the best production team is certainly enticing, and long jibber-jabbered about, but what do you think? Which surfers would you like to see and where would you like to see them?

Kelly Slater, it must be noted, performs in a band with King, just got cut from the tour, has a history of biting the hand that fed (Quiksilver, Channel Islands) and would be a perfect frontman a la Phil Mickelson. His complete nonchalance after losing at Margaret River, staring at The Box, silently mocking the World Surf League was certainly telling.

But telling what?

The question must be asked, I suppose, if professional surfing would be worth anything to desert princes. The answer might be found in the World Surf League’s existing performative environmental silliness. Calling the ocean “our office and playground,” and vowing to protect it by having Connor O’Leary plant a bush in Torquay, Australia. Imagine how petrodollars could be cleaned with a semi-competent director pulling the strings.

Great Wall Motors.

Pro-trans website rejoices at Kelly Slater’s shock dumping from world tour declaring, “We hope he takes time to address his fascist tendencies”

"Being authentically trans is deep and heavy traumatic work. It’s ridiculous how much we have to go through just to even exist gracefully in this world."

A couple of months back, the most dominant surfer ever Kelly Slater broke the hearts of trans-girls everywhere when he responded to a WSL rule change that allows biological males, albeit with low levels of T, to compete, with a call for a “trans division.”

The knife was turned again when, in response to Kid Rock blowing hell out of Dylan Mulvaney-emblazoned Bud Light cans with an assault rifle, Slater commented, “Hahahaha. No words necessary.”

(Dylan Mulvaney, if y’don’t know, is a boy gone girl who likes “possums and twilight and pretzels.”) 

Now, the pro-trans website Surf Equity (“Access—Inclusion—Equity—Justice in Pro Surfing”) has danced on Slater’s still-warm competitive corpse posting an Instagram story with the worlds “We hope Kelly Slater takes time to address his fascist tendencies” over a screenshot of an OC Register story of his demise.

It ain’t the first time Surf Equity has had a swing at the Champ, pushing back on Slater’s supposed coup de grâce to “name a few women who have transitioned to men who are winning or even competitive in men’s sports divisions. I’ll wait.”

(Surf Equity suggests an examination of Schuyler Bailar, Tyler C Wilde and Lucas Draper.) 

Slater gets short shrift from Surf Equity’s followers, his words insulting, colour blind etc. 

“We don’t need kelly ‘defending’ women’s surfing…not from the same guy who publicly shamed big wave surfer maya gabeira after almost dying, and def not through transphobic garbage commentary like this. Identifying as a surfboard?! 11 titles and still a fkn kook!! At the least I hope this brought surf equity some publicity. Equal rights in sports is good for everyone.”

“As a trans person who has had to struggle my whole life to feel accepted, by Kelly saying “identifiying as a surfboard” is completely dehumanizing of me and other trans peoples experiences. You don’t just wake up one day saying “hey I’m going to identify as a surfboard”. Being authentically trans is deep and heavy traumatic work. It’s ridiculous how much we have to go through just to even exist gracefully in this world. and it’s idiots like Kelly Slater that keep gatekeeping us from belonging in all places we deserve to belong…. ALSO (cause I’m venting) you can’t just change your race. That’s so insulting and color blind and has nothing to do with transitioning genders!”

“Perhaps @kellyslater doesn’t even realize how deeply he’s influenced by and helping to perpetuate anti-trans misinformation and hate. And unlike other professional sports, the surf industry lags way behind in efforts to recognize, include, or support LGBTQ athletes. Here on North Shore O’ahu, it’s still the dark ages on these issues and concerns. Ugh.”

Back to the T-girl debate, I’ll ask again: is Valentina Sampaio, who appeared in Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue and on the VS catwalk, your favourite crossover trans-model ? 

Or are you team Geena Rocero, a Playboy centrefold in 2019?  

Are you pre or post-op?


Are T-girls chicks with dicks or dudes with tits?

(I’ll go first: Yes, no, pre-op and depends on the gal!)