"Everybody talks about people being the GOAT. Tom Brady’s the GOAT, Tiger Woods is the GOAT. They’re…GOATS… but they’re not The GOAT."

The still beautiful eighties heartthrob Rob Lowe has ended the age-old debate roiling the sports world in a bombshell podcast just released.

On “Literally! With Rob Lowe”, the fifty-nine-year-old actor famous for being part of the eighties Brat Pack in movies The Outsiders, St. Elmo’s Fire and About Last Night, and for starring in a sex tape in a Georgia hotel room at his 1988 peak with a couple of fans, one of whom was sweet sixteen, intros Slater with,

“I’m geeking out, man. Everybody talks about people being the GOAT. Tom Brady’s the GOAT, Tiger Woods is the GOAT. They’re…GOATS… they’re…GOOOOOOATS…but they’re not The GOAT. Today, we have The GOAT Kelly Slater. The greatest surfer who ever lived. Eleven-time world champ. Youngest world champ and then oldest world champ. No one has dominated a sport, any sport, individually, ever, in history than Kelly Slater and surfing.”

I’m on the side of Lowe, in this instance, although you’ll remember in February last year when JP Currie wrote fifteen-hundred words on why Slater ain’t the best athlete ever.

Sport is just sport, at the end of the day. But as we know, in the most elevated and spectacular moments – the realms where GOATs play – it can be an awful lot more.

When we talk about those who are worthy of being called the GOAT, we should be talking about people whose sporting performances have transcended sport. We should be talking about figures who are globally recognised and historically remembered, people who are idolised by children and worthy of that status.

What has Kelly done for the world? What has surfing?

How do you compare his impact to Muhammed Ali, for example?

You could argue we should ignore everything Kelly has done and said outside of surfing, but I don’t think we should.

At the highest level of sport, the kind of level reserved for people dubbed GOATs, sport influences culture, brings people hope, and instigates change.

Where do you stand, reader?

Listen here!

“It was like underwater jiujitsu…”

It’d be fair to say there ain’t too many men like John “Gordo the Great” Gordon, a sixty-one-year-old larger-than-life surfer-cinematographer who filmed the tour for twenty years before being dumped by the World Surf League, inexplicably and without warning he says, last year. 

Gordo’s filmic career is marked by awards, acclaim etc. He worked for the Seven News network in Queensland for two decades, in between gigs with Jack McCoy and his series of iconic Billabong films, before shifting into surf full-time. 

“He’s mates with everyone from world champ Mark Occhilupo to Hawaiian enforcer Johnny Boy Gomes to the locals in the black township behind Jeffreys Bay, South Africa, where he’s forged enduring friendships,” wrote Tim Baker in a sweet profile for the online magazine The Coastline. 

Anyway, he’s the pizza boy, the pool boy, the camera guy, whatever you need, he’ll sort it. 

So when a Gold Coast-based nurse jumped into the water at Fingal up there on the NSW side of the border with the Gold Coast and Gordo saw her being washed around the headland, he wasn’t going to stand by and wait for Superman.

“She was in the most dangerous spot imaginable. I looked around and the only person who’s going to save her is me,” said Gordo, who described trying to rescue the gal as like “underwater jiujitsu.”

“I couldn’t believe it. I stepped into nothing and it got me straight away,” said nurse Liv Titor. “Johnny jumped in with his surfboard, told me to hang on and said we’ll get through it together. And that’s what we did.”

Defending Margaret River Pro champ withdraws from pet event 12 months since he cooked John John Florence like a hamburger on a griddle!

Only days after the WSL judging panel opened the door for an Australian to win the world title at Lowers, conspicuously kneecapping the small-wave wizard Filipe Toledo at Bells, world number two Jack Robinson has pulled out of his hometown event, the Margaret River Pro.

Twenty-five-year-old Robinson, a former child prodigy who now stands at an impressive six feet and with 185 pounds of ballast, the musculature of his surf-honed deltoids delivering a raw sexuality generally only noted in big-dicked black guys and rarely seen in white males, injured his knee in his losing heat to Victorian wildcard Xavier Huxtable, who is no relation to Cliff Huxtable, the TV obstetrician played by BIPOC Quaalude enthusiast Bill Cosby.

You’ll remember last year, Robinson accounted for the two-time world champ and two-time winner of the Margaret River Pro, John John Florence, using airs and a three-turn combo to cook the Hawaiian like a hamburger on a griddle.

Where John John used rail to build an early lead, Jackie was an artist at his peak, kicking into gear mid-final, licking his stank fingers after each near-perfect ride, including a wild end section 540.

From Robinson’s IG.

“During my heat at Bells, I ended up injuring my meniscus (cartilage in my knee). After reviewing with a few specialists, and discussions with my team, I’ll be pulling out of the Margaret River Pro. As you all know, Margs is my home break, and I’m always looking forward to being in @westernaustralia. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to compete at Margs, but it’s what’s best for my recovery and long term goals. Next week I’ll be starting physiotherapy. I’m confident I’ll be back for the next event. It’s a long year and we are just starting! Thanks for all your support! ”

 

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