A miracle!

World-ranked Aussie surfer finds $10,000 Rolex Submariner while snorkelling off wealthy coastal enclave, “I laughed and thought it must’ve been a Bali knock-off!”

Derek Rielly

By

"Looking over, I noticed a Rolex Submariner with its band caught under a rock."

The crush on Rolexes is the damndest thing although I ain’t immune. A decade back after selling one story for five gees I gave in to the pressures of status and sent off for an Air King, bought in Italy in 1962 and lovingly tended to by its owner for fifty years.

It’s a subtle sorta watch, I don’t get no comments except from elderly homosexual men, wizened like winter apples, who chance upon it while stroking my wrist.

Recently, after completing a private commission for a billionaire I expected, beside the generous renumeration of one-hundred thousand dollars, a parting gift of a Rolex. It would be, likely, a simple white golf Yacht-Master, roughly eight thousand American dollars.

It didn’t happen ‘cause as my billionaire pal said, “There’s a one-year waiting list!”

I would’ve waited! Oy vey!

Anyway, the longboard surfer Matt Cuddihy didn’t have to melt no credit card or wait around to drop his ten gees after finding a slightly worse for wear though not catastrophically wounded Rolex Submariner 5513 wedged under a rock near some lost surfboard fins at Noosa Heads, a monied holiday hamlet a couple of hours north of Brisbane.

“I was just snorkelling around the same areas I normally go to in Noosa, and there seemed to be a bit of sand that had shifted and exposed more rocks than normal. I found seven surfboard fins wedged between rocks. Looking over, I noticed a Rolex Submariner with its band caught under a rock. The glass was partially frosted over from the sand moving around it for so long,” Cuddhiy told our pals at watch site Fratello.

He ain’t a treasure collector so much as an aquatic garbage man, howevs.

“Everyone has different experiences in nature, and for me, growing up in a place that is surrounded by national parks and beautiful beaches has shaped my life to where I am today. Taking care of the wild places is everyone’s responsibility… I have been snorkelling around the points when there is no surf. Mostly just looking at fish and visiting the local turtles, I started noticing an influx of things that shouldn’t be there. So now I try to snorkel once a week with a mesh bag and fill it with garbage that ends up wedged in the rocks. Mostly surfboard fins and fishing lures. I normally post my treasures on Instagram, and through that, I have reunited one surfboard fin to a guy that had lost his at the same spot that I found one which was in perfect condition. Then a few weeks back, [I reunited] an Apple Watch with a local guy that lost his in a recent swell.”

Cuddihy, who is currently rated 92nd on the longboard tour, says he’s been inundated with messages concerning the miracle Swiss watch although, so far, no claims on the fins.

Kelly Slater once again proves exception to World Surf League rules, proudly flashes non-sanctioned “Sharkest Shark Watch of all-time” after bowing out of El Salvador Pro!

Chas Smith

By

"What are you gonna do about it?"

What happened to the World Surf League’s much ballyhooed partnership with Apple Watch? Just months ago, the new technology was front and center, a beacon of massive synergies and vectors and success. “The momentum of the Championship Tour, the World Surf League and professional surfing is real,” Chief Executive Officer Erik Logan proudly declared. Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer made a nice Instagram post showing how it worked and pretty.

Well, things got off to a bit of a rocky start. Italian star Leonardo Fioravanti took to the airwaves after the Pro Pipeline contest and declared, “And, I just want to say our fricken watches weren’t working and that’s pretty heavy, like my watch wasn’t working. Nothing to take away from Apple or the WSL, what they’re doing is great, they’re trying to bring in some technology to our world, but if my watch doesn’t work from start to finish and I gotta ask for time. I’ve been used to having the time on me at all times in heats, we’re fighting for our careers. So, I hope they figure it out ‘cause my watch didn’t work from start to finish. And that’s pretty heavy.”

He was, of course, heavily fined for placing himself above “the integrity of the sport.”

Brazil’s Caio Ibelli complained that the watch didn’t tell time. Hawaii’s Carissa Moore refused to wear and then… nothing.

No “Let’s throw it down to Strider to see what’s who has Apple priority.” No “Kaipo, what do you see there from your Apple?”

Nothing.

It must be assumed that the relationship is intact but even that is now in doubt as Kelly Slater was filmed after bowing out of the still-running El Salvador Pro flaunting an all-to-obvious Shark Watch.

Like, the Sharkest Shark Watch ever, colorway-wise.

Will he cop a punishment or prove, once again, that he is the exception to every World Surf League rule?

Like when the entire book was changed to accommodate him forever?

Where’s Erik Logan?

Shepardson (pictured) dropping into fame. Photo: The Eddie
Shepardson (pictured) dropping into fame. Photo: The Eddie

Eddie winner and blue collar hero Luke Shepardson takes one step closer to Hollywood fame as GQ publishes exhaustive profile!

Chas Smith

By

Popcorn ready.

Five, or such, months ago, surfer hearts around the world were warmed all toasty when The Eddie was won by a working lifeguard. Surfing’s most prestigious contest had not run in eight years at the hallowed Waimea Bay and fans were dying for it, breaking into lusty sobs when it was greenlit, crowding around various iPhone and MacBooks or, if lucky, wedging their automobiles into Kamehameha gridlock.

There were great storylines even before the hooter sounded, like former Eddie champ Kelly Slater gifting his slot to local standout Chris Owens in an act of blazing love, and there were phenomenal performances after the hooter sounded as the waves lived up to expectation. A veritable who’s who paddling their iconic guns, pitching themselves into history.

And yet the most unlikely hero of all emerged victorious at the end of the day.

“In building twenty-to-thirty-foot surf, Luke Shepardson, twenty-seven, who started the morning by clocking in to his gig as a North Shore lifeguard, took a few hours off work and by day’s end had beaten the most stacked field in the event’s history,” Derek Rielly wrote in the near aftermath. “Apart from defending champ John John Florence, who finished second, Shepardson outsurfed big-wave world champs Makua Rothman and Billy Kemper, both surprise competitors after suffering injuries at the Backdoor Shootout, Kai Lenny, Zeke Lau, Grant Baker, Ross Clarke-Jones and so on.”

A blue collar hero was born.

Shepardson did the rounds in the following weeks, appearing on surf-centric podcasts and what not, and then surf fans’ attention turned to other matters. The World Surf League securing a ladder sponsorship, for example.

The World Surf League CEO turning abusive, lashing out then disappearing.

The aforementioned Kelly Slater flaunting World Surf League rules and wearing a Shark Watch instead of the mandated Apple one (more soon).

But cream always rises and our hero has made a triumphant return in the form of an exhaustive GQ profile out just hours ago. “Casual Luke Rides the Big Wave” is a multi-thousand word piece that explores not only the historic day but what led up to it. Shepardson working as an electrician in jail to support a small family, for example. His highs and lows.

It is essential reading but also an important step on the major motion picture about his life. I’d imagine Hollywood executives are waking up this morning, rubbing cocaine out of their eyes and perusing the wire for material. What could be better than Luke Shepardson?

Not much.

Except the story of a young water-fearing Oklahoman with a dream.

First, we must find him, though.

Erik? Erik Logan are you there?

Risby-Jones shucks surfer chic for wild new look! 9News

Unbelievable twist in fate of Aussie surfer threatened with lash in Sharia-ruled Aceh following violent, booze-fuelled rampage!

Derek Rielly

By

And loses gorgeous surfer locks for Drake-style haircut while in prison!

You’ll remember, of course, the story of an Australian surfer who was facing a helluva storm after being arrested following a wild melee outside the exclusive Moon Beach resort on the Sumatran island of Simeulue. 

Bodhi Mani Risby-Jones, who is twenty-three and from the Queensland holiday hamlet Noosa, was “accused of an alcohol-fuelled, naked rampage outside a beachside resort that left a passer-by in hospital and prompted an angry mob of residents to threaten to burn down the hotel.”

He was accused of hitting a motorbike rider and throwing the moto onto him after he fell into a gutter. The resulting leg wound, cops said, needed fifty stitches. 

In retaliation, furious onlookers then tried to burn down the resort. 

If you know Indonesians, you’ll know they love a little mob-action.

It always strikes me as odd that so few travellers to the happy island of Bali are aware that beyond the superficial smiles is a history so bloody it defies the imagination. In 1965, during the great Communist purge that would lead to the downfall of Sukarno and usher in thirty years of Suharto rule, an estimated half-a-million Indonesians were murdered. The CIA reported that the massacres “rank as one of the worst mass murders of the 20th century, along with the Soviet purges of the 1930s, the Nazi mass murders during the Second World War, and the Maoist bloodbath of the early 1950s.”

In Bali, they took up the cudgel with gusto. Five per cent of the population, eighty-thousand people, women and kids included, were butchered.

Anyway, up there in the northern Sumatran province of Aceh, real good waves etc, Islamic law, aka Sharia, rules in morality matters which means flagrant homosexuals, the polyamorous, anyone from the 2SLGBTQ+ community, as well as boozers who like to get a little punchy, may be publicly caned. 

A very bad situation for the kid, although the matter was resolved after Rigby-Jones agreed to pay the injured moto-rider twenty-five thousand Australian dollars or the equivalent of two-years salary for the man. 

Along with the twenty-five gees Risby-Jones and the Moon Beach Resort had to pay for a special “cleansing ceremony” that involved the spectacular public slaughter of a goat and thirty kilograms of rice and delicious spices. 

Now, in a sensational twist, Risby-Jones, who exchanged his surfer locks for a Drake-style haircut while behind bars, says he and the family of the man he beat hell out of are on the best of terms!

“We embraced, we gave hugs, we shared laughs. They told me I was basically part of the family so I feel much better about it now, yes,” he told reporters. “I’m welcome to come back and even stay at their house whenever I want. So, that feeling of guilt is definitely much smaller than it was originally.”

After hugging prison officers, Risby-Jones was bussed to the airport before being deported back to Australia.

“It’s been a long time coming and I’m feeling amazing and super happy and grateful,” he said. “Everyone has been very nice and accommodated me well. Thank you.”

 

DJ Khaled (pictured) greatly worrying fans. Photo: Instagram
DJ Khaled (pictured) greatly worrying fans. Photo: Instagram

Thoughts and prayers pour in for DJ Khaled as beloved plus-sized musical artist suffers debilitating surfing injury!

Chas Smith

By

Please don't stop the music...

What is your favorite DJ Khaled song? It’s a trick question! Each are works of pure art and impossible to rank. It would be like asking Megan Fox or Brian Austin Green “Who is your favorite daughter?” Futile and, frankly, rude. So you can understand the abundance of thoughts and prayers that came pouring in from all corners, yesterday, when it was revealed that the plus-sized music man was injured whilst riding an e-foil in in Miami.

Anyone who has ever dabbled knows that mastering an e-foil is… well, I guess not that difficult. I am not usually a quick study though was up and flying across a Wyoming lake on my very first attempt. A natural, maybe. There is an issue, I suppose, of finding the balance point. Too far forward and the nose dives into the water. Too far back and the thing shoots skyward, which is where we find dear DJ Khaled.

The manner in which he tumbles is particularly worrisome, as either the foil or the propeller could have removed his head from his torso. Deadly. Mercifully the damage only required a light massage.

Still debilitating.

Expert foiler Michael Schwab, anyhow, weighed in, writing, “You were attempting to e-foil, which is a lot harder than surfing, thank goodness you didn’t hit the foil! Hope you are back on the course asap!”

Oh. Is it? Well maybe I’m a sort of e-foil prodigy then.

The Kolohe Andino of still waters.

Very cool.

Back to DJ Khaled, though, light a candle for him today please.

Thank you.

Photo: Jack English
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