In wildest salvo yet, Jonah Hill’s spurned ex Sarah Brady launches 52-pronged Instagram attack on Hollywood star including comparisons to Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe’s doomed marriage!

Derek Rielly

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"Made me feel like a slut for existing…like I deserved to be treated the way I was because I'm a woman thus a whore."

The former girlfriend of Hollywood star and Malibu habitué Jonah Hill has revealed an impressive stamina in her war against the man she dated for eighteen or so months. 

(A quick recap for those coming in late. Nine days ago, surf instructor Sarah Brady lit a very public fire, dumping a series of what she said were private texts between the pair on Instagram. Brady claimed to be a “survivor” following the  end of a relationship with a man she described as misogynistic and a narcissist. Brady said Hill was made sad by her posting bikini shots, the inference being these languid poses suggested sexual availability.)

After delivering what was thought to her stunning coup de grâce two days ago, the banning of Hill from Hawaiian waters, with Brady triumphantly dancing upon the Superbad star’s grave, one might’ve expected a return to normal transmission on her Instagram channel. 

However , encouraged by a whirlwind of support from spurned women worldwide, Brady today launched a fifty-two pronged fusillade on Instagram stories, screenshots of DMs between her and fans, and including comparisons between her short dalliance with Hill and the five-year-long marriage of playwright Arthur Miller and fifties sex symbol Marilyn Monroe (killed, likely, by Robert  F Kennedy’s family, if you wanna believe conspiracies). 

Pertinent quotes,

“Made me feel like a slut for existing.”

“I know he’s a weak coward on the inside though.”

“Like I deserved to be treated the way I was because I’m a woman thus a whore.”

Screenshots below.

Real question: how much gas y’think Brady got left in the tank?

Brady (pictured) hating mid men. Photo: Instagram

Shock reason for surf instructor Sarah Brady’s brutal public execution of former boyfriend Jonah Hill revealed in lost text message!

Chas Smith

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The most ancient of blood feuds.

The collected works of Sarah H. Brady, surf instructor, environmental advocate, law student and spurned ex-girlfriend of Jonah Hill will, someday, be gathered together, bound and deposited into the research library of a prestigious institute of higher learning. All the private text messages made public. Each silo’d pat on the back. And then, scholars and professors, alike, will be able to sift through the thousands upon thousands of words, images, memes and uncover a clear snapshot of the collapse of humanity.

A question will haunt their work, though.

Why?

Why, after months upon months of the breakup did Brady publicly execute the man she once claimed to love?

She, of course, has given many conflicting reasons. That she wants Kauai locals to burn him at Andy Iron’s favorite waves, that his turn as an advocate for mental health was off-putting, that she wanted to empower others who have been ruthlessly abused by maybe oversensitive exes.

The truth, though, lies in a subtle text included in one of Brady’s Instagram stories from four or five days ago. It was lost, of course, in a sandwich of salaciousness and so social detectives disregarded it, initially, but a studious surf journalist, leaving no stone unturned, has picked it like a gleaming needle from a haystack.

A conversation between Brady and a friend.

“Oof been there… why do we dim our selves for mid men???”

And there we have it.

Hill, as you know, began his surf journey on long and comfortable soft tops. He then evolved into long foam and fiberglass surfboards before continuing his journey to the popular mid-length.

Brady, though, is a longboard purist only riding boards 9 feet and longer.

Photo: @sarahhbrady
Photo: @sarahhbrady

Hill’s exploration, which will clearly end with a high-performance thruster, clearly infuriated Brady and was, likely, smoldering all this time before exploding.

The eternal battle between long and short.

A rubicon that shall never be crossed.

Surfer (pictured) explaining nuances of this surfing life.
Surfer (pictured) explaining nuances of this surfing life.

Once-proud Surfer Magazine stumbles over significance of beloved actor Jonah Hill “surfing alone” amidst never-ending onslaught from spurned ex Sarah Brady!

Chas Smith

By

Gosh guys he's just "washing away the drama from his daily life."

One of the more comedic corners of 2023, other than surfing’s greatest ever jester, former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan, is the transformation of once-proud Surfer Magazine into a Frankenstein AI cross between The Inertia and your dear BeachGrit. Beginning with purchase by a group fronted by Ross Levinsohn, a man famous for his “trail of frat house behavior,” Surfer’s first hire, Emily Morgan who covered the Sport of Kings from her nice perch in East Tennessee, was laugh-out-loud funny.

But it has all gotten even better. Surfer unfortunately canned Morgan, hopefully giving the avid hiker more time to enjoy “strong coffee, spicy food and live music,” replacing her with one Dashel Pierson who clearly does not surf yet attempts to “speak the language,” as it were.

In the latest bit of hilarity, Pierson has jumped with both Teva-tanned feet into former surf instructor Sarah Brady’s one-sided war against Jonah Hill. You certainly recall, one week ago, when the beloved actor’s ex-girlfriend released a tranche of private text message between the two, accusing Hill of misogyny while calling him a narcissist. Not satisfied, the current law student released a second tranche on day two. Derek Rielly remarked how the continued assault was maybe unsurprising, on day five, and here, on day seven, Brady has kept the offensive going, double-barreled social media shotgun about Hill’s controlling ways, what a rotten human being he is etc.

Hill, for his part, has maintained a dignified silence and was, Thursday, spotted surfing in Malibu.

Pierson, filling the shoes of John Severson, attempted to provide context.

Paparazzi caught the Superbad star during a surf session on Thursday in Malibu, and all the major tabloids picked up on it. Cue the prophecies: Was he surfing, like a lot of us do, to wash away the drama from daily life? Or was he surfing because he is so unfazed by the drama, and thus continues living his life as he normally would? Or was he…just…surfing.

Surfing “like a lot of us do” to “wash the drama from daily life,” is my guess.

Pure gold.

Surfing heavyweights line up to praise son of Hollywood star Mathew McConaughey after debut on Instagram reveals kid’s wild surf skills!

Derek Rielly

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"You’re getting a cool and respectful young man, Levi McConaughey, coming at you. I hope you can do your best to treat him the same way."

The son of Hollywood superstar Mathew McConaughey has made a stunning debut on Instagram, revealing polished skills in the surf and on the snow.

Levi McConaughey got the gift of social media, as well as supersonic genetics, from his parents, Daddy Mathew and Brazilian model mama Camila Alves, for his fifteenth birthday.

“Hey, buddy, your mama’s a little nervous today about one of the gifts we are giving you,” Daddy told the couple’s nine-mill followers. “Yes, we are allowing you, Levi, today on your 15th birthday, to join the social media universe… ”

Daddy then explained the deal,

“He knows who he is and he knows where he’s going at. I think he can handle it. He has a great story to tell, to share. I want to let all of you all know you’re getting a very cool and respectful young man, Levi McConaughey, coming at you, and I hope you can all do your best to treat him the same way. Levi, enjoy the adventure, sharing your story and expressing yourself and exchanging with the people out there.”

Over the course of two posts, Levi, who has the same rich, ripe, radiant apricot skin, eyes and hair as Kai Lenny, demonstrates his comfort towing into size, pulling into dredging runners and giving hell to the snow.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Levi McConaughey (@levimcconaughey)

The WSL personality famous for his steroidal tits, Strider Wasilewski, wrote, “Sick one grom” while former pro surfer Yadin Nicol simply melted,

“So sick, Levi!”

 

 

 

Bob Hurley, right, and mysterious deleted post.

Mystery surrounds “razor-sharp surf magnate” Bob Hurley post slamming direction of his eponymous brand as it’s quickly disappeared from internet!

Derek Rielly

By

“Bruh”

It’s hard to imagine, now, the ruckus, disbelief, horror even, when Billabong’s US licensee, surfboard shaper Bob Hurley, handed back what had become a license to print money in 1998 and to strike out on his own. 

You gonna hand back the keys to Billabong? You gonna call it, what? Hurley? 

Under Bob’s expert hand, and helped by taking the designers, surfers and marketeers, and product patents he’d developed for Billabong, Hurley quickly grew into one of the biggest, and most respected surf brands in the world.

Three years later, “razor-sharp surf magnate” Bob sold to Nike for a hundred and twenty mill.

Bob was always around, howevs, the company had his name on it after all, and he took over as CEO for three years, 2012 to 2015, the glory years of the Nike-ownership era some might say. 

Four years later, Nike sold Hurley to Bluestar Alliance, a “brand management company”. The way Bluestar works is it identifies brands it wants to buy and once they get the keys, “our team of experts embark on a complete and thorough understanding of the brand’s potential channels of distribution and price point strategies. We create tools such as brand development profiles, trend guides, style guides and marketing strategies. These marketing materials portray graphic illustrations and a strategic marketing road map to enhance consumer brand recognition.”

The focus at Hurley shifted from R and D, maintaining a dazzling surf team, high-end accounts and so on to a model focussed on the bottom line, with multiple teamrider contracts quickly terminated. 

Soon, there were inflatable toy toys, beard oil, hair product, performance bodyboards, beach chairs. 

And, today, before it was quickly deleted from view, sixty-eight-year-old, Newfoundland-born Hurley, who now heads Florence Marine X, ran a couple of shots of Hurley’s “performance” bodyboards and a rack of beach chairs with the withering comment, 

“Bruh.” 

Many comments ensued before the provocative post was disappeared. 

Obviously, comment has been sought, crickets thus far although it’s only been eleven minutes, but what’s your immediate reaction? Do you think Bob thought it was a little rough on Bluestar? A little weird to dunk on his own brand? 

Photo: Jack English
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