The most ancient of blood feuds.

The collected works of Sarah H. Brady, surf instructor, environmental advocate, law student and spurned ex-girlfriend of Jonah Hill will, someday, be gathered together, bound and deposited into the research library of a prestigious institute of higher learning. All the private text messages made public. Each silo’d pat on the back. And then, scholars and professors, alike, will be able to sift through the thousands upon thousands of words, images, memes and uncover a clear snapshot of the collapse of humanity.

A question will haunt their work, though.

Why?

Why, after months upon months of the breakup did Brady publicly execute the man she once claimed to love?

She, of course, has given many conflicting reasons. That she wants Kauai locals to burn him at Andy Iron’s favorite waves, that his turn as an advocate for mental health was off-putting, that she wanted to empower others who have been ruthlessly abused by maybe oversensitive exes.

The truth, though, lies in a subtle text included in one of Brady’s Instagram stories from four or five days ago. It was lost, of course, in a sandwich of salaciousness and so social detectives disregarded it, initially, but a studious surf journalist, leaving no stone unturned, has picked it like a gleaming needle from a haystack.

A conversation between Brady and a friend.

“Oof been there… why do we dim our selves for mid men???”

And there we have it.

Hill, as you know, began his surf journey on long and comfortable soft tops. He then evolved into long foam and fiberglass surfboards before continuing his journey to the popular mid-length.

Brady, though, is a longboard purist only riding boards 9 feet and longer.

Hill’s exploration, which will clearly end with a high-performance thruster, clearly infuriated Brady and was, likely, smoldering all this time before exploding.

The eternal battle between long and short.

A rubicon that shall never be crossed.

Gosh guys he's just "washing away the drama from his daily life."

One of the more comedic corners of 2023, other than surfing’s greatest ever jester, former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan, is the transformation of once-proud Surfer Magazine into a Frankenstein AI cross between The Inertia and your dear BeachGrit. Beginning with purchase by a group fronted by Ross Levinsohn, a man famous for his “trail of frat house behavior,” Surfer’s first hire, Emily Morgan who covered the Sport of Kings from her nice perch in East Tennessee, was laugh-out-loud funny.

But it has all gotten even better. Surfer unfortunately canned Morgan, hopefully giving the avid hiker more time to enjoy “strong coffee, spicy food and live music,” replacing her with one Dashel Pierson who clearly does not surf yet attempts to “speak the language,” as it were.

In the latest bit of hilarity, Pierson has jumped with both Teva-tanned feet into former surf instructor Sarah Brady’s one-sided war against Jonah Hill. You certainly recall, one week ago, when the beloved actor’s ex-girlfriend released a tranche of private text message between the two, accusing Hill of misogyny while calling him a narcissist. Not satisfied, the current law student released a second tranche on day two. Derek Rielly remarked how the continued assault was maybe unsurprising, on day five, and here, on day seven, Brady has kept the offensive going, double-barreled social media shotgun about Hill’s controlling ways, what a rotten human being he is etc.

Hill, for his part, has maintained a dignified silence and was, Thursday, spotted surfing in Malibu.

Pierson, filling the shoes of John Severson, attempted to provide context.

Paparazzi caught the Superbad star during a surf session on Thursday in Malibu, and all the major tabloids picked up on it. Cue the prophecies: Was he surfing, like a lot of us do, to wash away the drama from daily life? Or was he surfing because he is so unfazed by the drama, and thus continues living his life as he normally would? Or was he…just…surfing.

Surfing “like a lot of us do” to “wash the drama from daily life,” is my guess.

Pure gold.