Caity Simmers and Molly Picklum at Pipe.
Game-changing shredders Molly Picklum and Caity Simmers at Pipeline. "For the fucking girls," as Caity correctly pointed out.

On eve of world title showdown, gender equity still evades embattled World Surf League

Despite everything, in 2024 men still get the mine and women still get the shaft!

Six years ago today, the WSL announced that female athletes would receive the same prize money as men across all its events.

A landmark decision and a first among US-based sports leagues.

The equity-minded folks of the WSL followed that up in 2022 by fully aligning the stops on the Women’s Championship Tour with the Men’s, bringing the top surf ladies of the world back to hallowed and dangerous locations like Pipeline and Teahupo’o.

Gender equality locked and loaded.

Or is it?

Every surfer knows that the most valuable currency among surfers is not money, but waves. And if we look at equity in terms of quality waves, it paints a very different picture.

Sunset notwithstanding, the first half of this year was a shocker for waves on the Championship Tour. Surf fans endured the spectacle of pivotal heats going down in blown-out, marginally small or inconsistent conditions.

(As an aside, you can always tell a crap day of competitive surfing by how the highlights video is edited – unremarkable single manoeuvres intercut with lots of b-roll? Them some shitty waves…)

If you’ve clicked on the links above, you may have noticed a pattern: the ladies feature heavily.

The picture becomes even clearer if we look at the numbers.

Behold my pie charts, coded in Surfline-speak.

Surf conditions pie charts.
The pies don’t lie! Men get the ring, women get the finger!

The men have actually done OK this year. They’ve only had to deal with six days (out of 32) held in “poor” or “poor to fair” waves.

Meanwhile, the long-suffering women of the CT have done nearly a third of their surfing (nine out of 28 days) in “poor” or “poor to fair” waves. For ladies who were unlucky enough to suffer the dreaded mid-season cut, over half of their run days were on the crappy end of things.

The tragedy of this is that when the girls have been sent out in epic conditions, we’ve seen some all-time performances: Molly Picklum charging a perfect Pipeline pit that would’ve got at least a 9 in a men’s heat, and then whacking a massive Sunset section that many male pros would dodge; Tatiana Weston-Webb earning a proper 10 in a throaty Teahupo’o pit; Erin Brooks threading caves and whacking sections with whiplike poise at Cloudbreak.

The consensus is clear among surf fans, male and female alike: the women’s competition has been more exciting than the men’s this year.

So why are we sending them (and not the men) out in blown-out side-shore slop in Portugal, tiny Pipeline and even smaller Margaret River?

Sure, we’ve come a long way since the bad old days when the women would be sent out once the tide or wind had gone real bad. But we’re still far from the promised land of equity and equality.

Jerusalem next year?

Meanwhile, there is another dimension by which the WSL is unequal.

At the start of each year, the Championship tour boasts a stable of 34 men and just 16 women. At the mid-year cut that’s whittled down to 22 men and 10 women. At no point does the number of women on tour reach even half the number of men.

(There’s another statistic for you).

It’s hard to argue that we need more than 16 women on tour at this point in women’s surfing. If you look down the competitive ranks, there’s just a of couple ladies who have never featured as full-time competitors on the Championship Tour and who look like they belong there. That’s Erin Brooks and Sierra Kerr. Erin’s well on her way to clinching her spot on the CT for 2025, and Sierra will follow soonish.

What’s easier to argue is that 34 men is far too many. There are some talents who would miss out on qualification if we dropped the number of surfers on tour. But it’s indisputable that the current men’s draw is bloated to the max in terms of scheduling. Before the cut, the first 16 men’s heats eliminates just four surfers. That’s over a full day of competition spent lightly rearranging the basement of the rankings. Sometimes, that first day of near-meaningless heats has wasted the very best conditions of the waiting period.

My favourite fix here is to rip the band-aid off and cut the men’s draw down to 23 surfers. This would not only move the number of surfers on tour to a more equitable split, but also make it easier to send the women out in waves that don’t suck.

What’s more, the wave quality for the men would improve too.

With less heats to run, it’s way easier for contest directors to be picky about the conditions. For evidence, just look at how much better the second half of the year has been compared to the first half.

Huey has been slightly kinder to the WSL in recent months, but the difference in the pie charts below is principally that events before the cut need around five full days to run, and after the cut only need three days.

Surf condition pie charts.
Again, pies find it impossible to lie! Better waves in back half of year but still men get the mine, women get the shaft!

Will the WSL do the right thing and move towards both gender equality and a better quality product?

Probably not this year, or the next.

But as the shift of Finals Day from Lower Trestles this year to Cloudbreak next year illustrates, if enough people start calling bullshit on their current modus operandi they’ll eventually bite.

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Depp or Gerr? You be the judge. Photo: Instagram
Depp or Gerr? You be the judge. Photo: Instagram

Johnny Depp mobbed by surf fans at airport after getting Brad Gerlach lookalike teeth!

"Brad Gerlach looking fire!"

Johnny Depp is an American treasure, having starred in more iconic movies than John Waters can shake a moustache at. The now 61-year-old entered the consciousness, as t were, with a 1984 turn in the classic franchise A Nightmare on Elm Street but really became famous as a teen-appearing cop on 21 Jump Street.

From there it was the moon, or, rather, stars. Cry-Baby, Ed Scissorhands, What’s Eating Gil Grape, Benny and Joon etc. etc. and etc. culminating in the bigger-than-anything Pirates of the Caribbean series.

Life was good. Great, even, until… Amber Heard.

The trial ‘tween Depp and his ex-wife became a sordid bit of ugly, much behind-the-scenes business shared that tainted the cinema hero’s reputation including… well, I guess limited to his bad teeth.

Photos of Capt. Jack Sparrow’s chompers went viral during the courtroom proceedings with followers aghast at their rotten-looking appearance. The peanut gallery immediately throwing peanuts. “Why do i have to see closeup pics of johnny depp’s teeth against my will,” one X-user asked, while a second declared, “Johnny Depp just looks like someone grabbed his teeth and painted them black.”

A third, going for the jugular, simply stated, “Seeing that pic of Johnny Depp’s teeth on my tl just ruined my mood.”

Well, it appears that Depp listened, pondered then went and got a fresh pair of tusks, clearly asking the dentist to give him the “full Brad Gerlach.”

New photos just emerged of Donnie Brasco at an airport in the Bahamas by surf fans mistaking him for the Wave Ki master. Gerlach, of course, beloved by the aforementioned surf fans for generations.

 

Johnny Depp? Photo: killerbartender/Instagram
Brad Gerlach? Photo: killerbartender/Instagram

 

Johnny Depp? Photo:Instagram
Johnny Depp? Photo:Instagram

“Am I right too [sic] see that his teeth are looking brighter than ever before???” one Instagram commenter triple asked. Another added, “Is it [me] or does [sic] his teeth look more straight?”

A third, right to the point, “Brad Gerlach looking fire!”

What a day.

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Tom Curren, California's last men's world surfing champion.
California's last men's world champ, Tom Curren.

Hawaii’s oldest newspaper mercilessly trolls California over surf champion drought ahead of WSL Finals Day

Savage. Just savage.

Folk around the world know that our surfing was birthed in Hawaii (with a small contingent holding Peru as true mother), but that has not stopped California from stamping this sport of queens as its own. If the bi-curious had never read Matt Warshaw’s epic History of Surfing or the award-nominated Welcome to Paradise, Now Go to Hell, she would likely think that wave sliding originated in Malibu before making its way south to Huntington Beach.

Well, the Aloha State is exacting revenge ahead of the World Surf League Finals Day, which will be conducted in knee to chest high dribblers at Lower Trestles.

Hawaii’s oldest newspaper, the Honolulu Star-Advertiser blasted out a headline, this morning, declaring, “California looks to crown first world surf champion since 1990” beginning the article thusly:

California has a great chance to crown a first homegrown world surfing champion in more than 30 years when Griffin Colapinto and Caitlin Simmers take part in the World Surf League (WSL) finals near San Clemente over the next couple of weeks.

An absolutely merciless troll.

First, highlighting California’s Big Nothing for more than 30 years. Second, dangling almost impossible odds. The rare World Surf League follower knows full well that John John Florence or Italo Ferreira will whoop San Clemente’s Griffin Colapinto, as already revealed by Hippy. She also knows that, whilst Oceanside’s Caitlin Simmers is in the number one slot, there is no chance she will be able to overcome the “overscored, metronomic” flow of Florida’s Caroline Marks. California’s 34 year surf champion desiccation will stretch out to 35 with Hawaiians chuckling across the Pacific.

An utterly brutal takedown.

The Star-Advertiser piled on by quoting Mitchell Salazar, the World Surf League broadcaster who recently landed below the Bonsoy Brew Break and Greenwashing on the Surf Broadcaster Power Rankings, saying, ” “Caty has a chance, obviously, and from right there, 30 minutes away in Oceanside, it would be huge. It would be even bigger if both Californians win – if Griffin wins and Caitlin wins, it’s really symbolic, and especially knowing that this is the last finals here for at least the moment because it’s going to be in Fiji next year, it would be massive.”

Turning to Mitch Salazar for the call?

Savage.

Just savage.

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Jack Robinson with Erik Logan and GQ cover with Ethan Ewing.
Jack Robinson receives "mana" from one-time WSL CEO Erik Logan, left, and GQ cover with plump bummed Ethan Ewing.

Aussie surf stars Ethan Ewing and Jack Robinson rated “no chance” to win world title at WSL Finals Day

Jack specialises in taming wild beasts. Yup, no wild beasts in San Clemente.

One of my favorite men  on this planet is in contention for some Fantasy Surfing reward. A fleet of Panda surfboards and seven thousand dollars cash courtesy of the Surfival League. 

He asks for a lot of advice and never takes any. Why should I respond when he asks me who I think’ll win Finals Day? But I love this dude. It’s like we don’t speak the same English, but it doesn’t matter.

WSL finals will be hosted in small Lowers. Put it on paper and it’s tough to read.

Here’s the breakdown of what I told him.

Ethan Ewing
Requires too much lateral space to deploy his strength. Ethan is the master at running an entire rail line through a turn, which won’t be on offer according to Surflie. Fins slips aside, Ethan has no tool bag for this job.

God I hate those fin slips. Ross painted his career into a corner with that shit. Jack captured it. Ethan basically slides to a stop with that turn. Just fucking slam the bush creatively and set up the next hit!

Zero Chance

Spank that bottom DR.

Jack Robinson
Requires grunt to turn on his special skill. He can slow down and manage chaos better than anyone not named Medina. Or Florence. By the way, that’s the elite class. Possessing a full bag of tricks, but

specializing in taming wild beasts.

Yup, no wild beasts in San Clemente.

Benign as is the word’s definition. Just make sure you pay for parking. The meter maid is a beast.

Zero Chance

Griffin Colapinto
I love the hippy dippy approach. But something always gets in his way, which is hippy dippy.

I hate the 2% tag… even though I’m not sure what it means.

Love the way Kolohe squirms in his chair as a “Cole” wins a CT contest. He should have protested that loss to Italo at Duranbah and stayed in Austraila, that was his downfall. Spilled milk I realize, but worth noting.

San Clemente was such a rad town. Real surfers. Everyone was on the plus side of competent. No hubris.

Of course it’s changed, but the fathers in San Clementine grew up with that aesthetic. Working man rippers. Solid as their handshake were.

Small waves on forecast and Griffin is the only one who can stand sentry to the WSL title, but I would not bet on it. Advantage to a hunger Griffin has never felt.

Punchers shot.

Yes, John Florence
Wear gold if you may, but vanity is no match for futility.

Like Jack and better, his gift is in his mastery of Grunt and small Mushles won’t inspire that gift.

Sure, you’ll see polished rail work and monotonous safe turning because you can’t push the envelop as a bigger, regular foot.

You’re cooked.

Proportion is not in John’s favor.

The shame is the WSL and fucking Turpel who will talk it up like this is an historical event. The only advantage John holds is he doesn’t have to endure heats until the final.

Was going to type “puncher’s shot”.

It’s a shame to the league that your best surfer’s entire season ends up with futility.

Italo Ferreria

The only goofy foot in this contest draw. He has a heel edge advantage in small transitions. Will catch a dozen waves, active as fuck. BAG O’ TRICKS, ready to deploy.

Gains momentum through heats. He has been on a roll the last third of the season. He’s a short radius master who can force his rail to pivot in small mush.

Goofyfoots of the world genuflect. He’s a runaway freight train, stay out of his way.

He’s going to steal this like Donald could only dream.

Winner. 

There you go Fantasy geeks. Full prediction, bet accordingly.

Fuck the WSL.

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Olympic gold medallist Caroline Marks and tour leader Caity Simmers.
Caroline Marks wins gold in Tahiti and, inset, Pipe Queen and tour leader Caity Simmers.

“Overscored, metronomic” Olympic gold medallist Caroline Marks hot favourite to win surfing world title!

"The judges are a fickle bunch. What they love today, they may not score at all tomorrow. Get it while you can, girl."

If Surfline is to be believed, and why wouldn’t be we believe Surfline, the Lexus WSL Finals will take place on Friday, the first day of the event waiting period. Get in there and get it done. Surfline’s forecast claims surf in the shoulder-to-head-high range. Your guess is as good as mine as to what that will actually mean on the day.

Smaller, probably.

Caity Simmers sits on top of the world as the rankings leader, but she’ll face a tough challenge from 2023 world champion and Olympic gold medalist Caroline Marks. In fact, it’s hard not to see Caroline as the favorite here, especially after she scored an upset victory last year over Carissa Moore. Caity dazzles, but Caroline rarely misses a beat.

I will try to be on the beach there at Trestles, if I can find my way to that joint. Ah yes, the 405, we meet again. There’s a heat wave on the forecast for Friday, so I might just spend the day in the ocean. Surf contest? What surf contest? Certainly, I will bring a bikini. And snacks. Snacks are very important. See you there, maybe?

In the meantime, here’s a preview.

Caity Simmers

In her first two seasons on Tour, Caity has matched a young Carissa’s dizzying trajectory. Last year, Caity finished the regular season ranked fifth and this year, enters Trestles as world number one. Along the way to the top of the rankings, Caity won three events this year, including Pipe. While an Olympic medal eluded her, it’s hard to see how Caity could have improved on her season. Sure, she still has things to work on. Every surfer does. But she’s put in a dominant performance this year, no question.

Can Caity win the one-day grand slam-o-rama? Maybe. Trestles is obviously plenty familiar to her. When she surfs her best, Caity is stylish, jazzy, and dynamic. But she still makes mistakes that crafty veterans like Caroline or Tati could exploit. Sometimes, Caity can’t quite put her ideas into play and her surfing can look rough around the edges. Of course, that’s what makes her interesting.

Real talk: Caity will have a hard time beating Caroline, whose smooth approach the judges will certainly reward. But, I’m pretty sure the surfer we all want to watch is Caity. We never really know what Caity is going to do next, and there’s magic in that.

As a bonus, here’s Caity’s pre-event press release quote. “It’s pretty not real, but it’s also super real,” Simmers said. “It’s pretty cool. Lowers is a super fun wave, and it’s kind of a ridiculous life situation to be in, so I’ll just try to not think about it at all.”

Right. Just don’t think about it.

Caroline Marks

In 2023, Caroline started Finals Day ranked third. She finished the day as world champion. When she’s not traveling, Caroline lives in San Clemente and the hours she’s spent at Trestles give her a nice advantage. This season, she won Surf City El Salvador Pro and an Olympic gold medal. Caroline’s not at home in bigger surf, but that won’t matter at Trestles. Her current ranking reflects a steady accumulation of points. While Caroline wasn’t necessarily a stand-out this season, she made the important heats and punched her ticket.

Despite her ranking, Caroline comes to Trestles as the favorite to repeat as world champion. The judges love her near-metronomic backhand and the flow that allows her to pack in the turns, one after another. Is she overscored at times? Sure, she is. And as any number of surfers have discovered over the years, the judges are a fickle bunch. What they love today, they may not score at all tomorrow. Get it while you can, girl. Caroline’s superpower is that she rarely makes mistakes — and that will make her very hard for Caity to beat.

Brisa Hennessey

The comeback queen, Brisa missed the cut in 2023, but has turned her career straight around. Her stand-out result this year came at the Shiseido Tahiti Pro, where she wrangled solid Tahiti on her backhand. Local favorite Vahine Fierro beat her in the final, but I confess, I did not have Brisa even making the final at Teahupo’o on my bingo card. Good on her. I like surprises.

Ranked third ahead of Trestles, Brisa built her comeback on the strength of consistency. She made four semifinals this year, and she’s managed to convince the judges to give her the nod in several close heats. That’s not an easy trick. She’s also managed to turn the often small and inconsistent surf to her advantage. Some of that is luck, of course. But it also requires some savvy heat surfing and an ability to back herself, even when the odds look steep. Getting past Caroline looks close to impossible for Brisa. But so did making finals at Teahupo’o, and just look what happened.

Molly Picklum

A girl who likes juice, Molly thrilled on the North Shore. She scored a perfect ten in heaving Pipe and finished second to Caity in a wave-starved final. I wish there’d been more surfing in that final, given the skills of both women. Alas. At the Hurley Pro Sunset Beach, Molly threw down a turn for the ages and won the event for the second straight year. It was an awesome start to the year.

Molly has a less friendly relationship with small waves than she does with the big, powerful scary shit. And there were a lot of heats in small waves this year on Tour. She didn’t really thrive out there this year until Fiji, where she found a wave with some punch. After a semifinal finish at the Corona Fiji Pro, Molly jumped into fourth in the rankings, equaling last year.

Trestles doesn’t necessarily suit Molly, and small Trestles could be a battle for her. Last year, Molly lost to Caity in her opening heat. Certainly, she has the skills and the progression to go far here. There’s no reason she shouldn’t be able to beat Tati and Brisa and make a run for the title. It’s hanging right there out in front of Molly, but she’ll have to stretch to reach it.

Tati West

The surprise for me of this season had to be Tati’s performance at the Shiseido Tahiti Pro. In legit solid Teahupo’o, she scored a perfect ten and nearly beat Vahine. It was easily one of the best heats of the year — and maybe ever — in women’s surfing. Tati also won silver at the Olympics, though not in the gloriously frightening conditions she surfed against Vahine. A second place finish at Fiji slid her into the final five.

Starting from the bottom of the draw, Tati meets Molly first and faces a long trek to the world title. In truth, I do not generally think of Tati as a favorite for Trestles. But in 2021, she nearly snatched the world title straight out from under Carissa, then fresh off her Olympic gold medal. If she makes a run up the rankings, I’d expect Tati to find Caroline a bit of a roadblock to her world title dreams. But, she nearly beat one Gold medalist at Trestles, so why not another?

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