Chris Rock aims ugly slur at Jonah Hill
Chris Rock aims ugly slur at Jonah Hill

Surf community left dazed after Chris Rock aims “ugly” slur at Malibu’s Jonah Hill

“If he looked like Jonah Hill, they’d have given him the chair already — he’d be dead."

The surf community was left dazed last night after Beverly Hills Cop II star Chris Rock aimed a wild slur at Malibu’s Jonah “Surf Jew” Hill, describing him as ugly, during a monologue on Saturday Night Live.

Chris Rock made the cruel reference to Jonah Hill in relation to the arrest of the handsome Luigi Mangione, the alleged shooter of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson.

Chris Rock noted the public’s fascination with Mangione’s appearance, saying:

“I really feel sorry for the family. Everybody’s fixated on how good-looking this guy looks. If he looked like Jonah Hill, no one would care. They’d already given him the chair already — he’d be dead.”

 

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BeachGrit

Hill, who is forty and a surf veteran of five years, was last seen in this pages when his former fiancé Sarah Brady savaged the Hollywood star in a wild and prolonged public dump of private text messages.

Brady lit a very public fire, dumping a series of what she said were private texts between the pair on Instagram. Brady claimed to be a “survivor” following the  end of a relationship with a man she described as misogynistic and a narcissist. 

Brady then delivered a stunning coupe de grace after Hill was banned from the Hawaiian surf spot made famous by Andy Irons.

Then, and after boiling Hill’s eggs, Sarah Brady went after a previous lover, the pro-Russia MAGA zealot Jackson Hinkle.

You’ll remember BeachGrit’s own rapprochement with Hill two years ago. 

As Chas Smith recalled,

We proceeded to chat for the next 30-plus minutes. He described how he had fallen in love with surfing, truly fallen in love. How he now understood the missteps he had made along the way, putting too much on social media etc. How he respected the history, the core, this BeachGrit community right here who also loves this odd water dance. How he reads, listens, learns. As proof of his devotion, he even deleted his Instagram account because he knew.

He didn’t ask for any changes in how we wrote about him. Understood that it came with the territory. Just wanted me to know that he simply loved surfing and was trying to honor that.

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Josh Brolin (left) up to no good.
Josh Brolin (left) up to no good.

Leading man Josh Brolin recalls falling into life of dereliction with notorious “Cito Rats” surf gang

"13 years old, your brain is still developing, it’s probably not the best time to start that drug..."

There are few actors more universally adored than Josh Brolin. Son of James Brolin, step-son of Barbara Streisand, ex-boyfriend of surf angel Mini Driver, the 56-year-old leading man has aged like the finest of non-alcoholic wines (Brolin is sober). Every movie he has ever appeared in, from Thrashin’ to W. is a cultural masterpiece and my brother’s girl friend in high school used to babysit his children when he lived in the greater San Luis Obispo region.

It is no wonder, then, with a life so full, that Brolin has just published a memoir From Under the Truck (buy here) and, thus, appeared on Jimmy Kimmel’s late night program in order to promote it.

After the usual banter, Brolin recounted a darker time in his life, particularly falling in with the notorious “Cito Rats” surf gang at 13-years-old and partaking lysergsäure-diethylamid, or LSD.

“I had a great trip! I mean, I had the most kind of amazing — 13 years old, your brain is still developing, it’s probably not the best time to start that drug, but I really had an amazing time,” Brolin told the host. “I saw a fireplace talking to me who said some nice things. I liked what he said. I didn’t dislike what he said. Yeah, it was like, caressing. It was wisdom.”

But things took a dark and sinister turn.

“We went through the whole thing and I was like, ‘Wow, there’s this revelation and all that,’ and then somebody that night, because it was the Cito Rats, said, ‘We should do it again,’” he continued. “Because like a drunk when you do alcohol, you go, ‘Let’s go to the bar and let’s do it again the next night, and the next night, and the next.’ So I was in the habit of doing things again.”

Kimmel, still suffering much despair from Donald Trump’s shock victory, wanted to know if Brolin could travel back in time, would he tell his 13-year-old surf gangster self not to participate in drug taking.

Looking straight at the camera, the lantern jaw’d brunette declared, “Dude, you can’t put me in that position because it’s like every 13-year-old watching your show, ‘cause it’s your biggest demographic,” he teased, before pointing and speaking directly into the camera. “Do not do LSD! Do not do LSD, children!”

Then turning to the dewy-eye’d Kimmel and admitting, “It was the greatest thing I ever did.”

Which prompts the question. What was the greatest thing you ever did?

Watch here while thinking.

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Kelly Slater has a biological age of only 39.
Kelly Slater has a biological age of only 39.

Geneticist reveals Kelly Slater to have freakishly slow ageing rate and a biological age of 39!

"Kelly Slater is proof that how you live can actually slow down the clock.”

The world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater is a curio in so many ways: a never-to-be-beaten competitive record, unmatched dexterity on social media, a mysterious bebe still unseen by the world, but what might be his greatest feat  is his ability to slow the ageing process. 

The Australian vitamin company Melrose Future Lab makes supplements that repair your DNA, make your body very strong, give you nice sleepies and so on, and via geneticist Doc Denise Furness, they claim Kelly is ageing at the rate of 0.72 of a year every year.

“Kelly Slater is in his early 50s, but his biological age tells a different story.  Thanks to his lifestyle choices, Kelly is proof that how you live can actually slow down the clock.

Biological age testing looks at the true condition of your body compared to the average. Things like a nutrient-rich diet, regular exercise, quality sleep, and managing stress all play a huge role. Kelly’s commitment to these areas shows just how much control we can have over the ageing process.”

The comments are instructive:

“Never seen him stressed. Obviously he would get stressed being a high performance athlete but it doesn’t show too often. I reckon it’s because he invests in, and knows the importance of remaining calm in life and high pressure situations in order to get the best out of himself. His brother Stephen seemed like a fairly relaxed character also. Every now and then we hear how much damage the stress hormone can do but not many talk about it in mainstream areas because they can’t make money off it I reckon.”

“He’s even good at ageing,” writes Balter beer co-founder Stirling Howard. 

Slater says laying off the piss and bags has been the diff.

“Show me one person whose life’s better off or their success is better and they drank or did drugs,” he says.

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"Zuma Jay" Wagner (pictured) angry.

Dastardly thieves use raging Malibu fire as cover to rob iconic Zuma Jay’s Surf Shop

The lowest of the low.

There’s low, like jaywalking slowly or texting girlfriends that you would like to cannibalize them, and then there is low low, like staying to the very end of a Sean Combs party or robbing an iconic Malibu surf shop whilst wildfires rage all around.

But Malibu’s iconic Zuma Jay’s is where we set our stage this morning. You were certainly aware of the Santa Ana wind-whipped blaze that threatened to reduce the “city of tomorrow” to ashes. The Franklin Fire, as it was called, was a hungry out of control beast and local authorities shut off power so not to add any more accidental sparks.

Well, enterprising thieves aware that the outages would mean alarms would not ring nor cameras record took advantage of the situation and robbed the aforementioned Zuma Jay’s of nearly $1400 USD.

Shop owner Jefferson Wagner described the mangled cash register to the local ABC affiliate, explaining, “They just totally trashed this thing. I can hardly even close it.” He also shared the door wherein the naughty sneakers made their entrance, opining, “This is where they actually jimmied it through with the crow bars.”

The worst loss, though? Wagner, sad, declared, “The hardest part for me to retrieve is going to be all the receipts from the cash paid outs that I’ve done for the entire year. That’s postage, other things, toilet paper, everything you need to run a business.”

No word if any boards went missing but keep an eye out for this if you happen to call Malibu home.

Deal some local justice.

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Vans Pipe Masters live broadcast
The Vans Pipe Masters, a lesson in guerrilla marketing!

Was decision not to live-stream Vans Pipe Masters clever guerrilla marketing?

The black-out of coverage is refreshing. Results drip-fed through written updates. Secondhand reports of the conditions and the vibe on the sand. Pirate streams giving us shaky footage.

An old booze buddy of mine used to talk about a documentary he wanted to film. Sort of an artistic project, I guess. One of many such ideas that would come up during a session of solid day drinking, the type that only the young and unencumbered can regularly enjoy.

Shit talking and banter flying about like a drunken firefight. Some ideas would hit, but most would miss.

The basic premise of his doco idea was about him pushing a piano off a cliff. The documentary would follow him as he prepared for the task. Selecting the piano. Transporting it to the cliff top. Long, deep, philosophical interviews about the ontological meaning of the entire event.

Probably shot in black and white. Maybe a bit of Super-8 spliced in.

But the rub was that he wouldn’t actually film the act of the piano being toppled itself. When it came to the moment the entire project had been building towards, the coup de grace, the camera would turn away and film the static horizon instead. Or maybe just cut to a black void, Sopranos-style.

It would be an artistic statement. What the statement was, I’m not sure. I was pretty canned at the time.

But I can’t help thinking of it in relation to the 2024 Vans Pipe Masters.

Say what you will. Despite recent downgrades, the comp is still one of the most prestigious – and viewer attracting – events in our sphere. High-profile surfers from around the globe have been flown in to tackle the jewel in surfing’s crown. Various advertising and sponsorship partners brought on board to plug and promote.

Surely tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars sunk into the whole venture by the flailing shoe company. The Pipe Masters is still a big deal.

Yet the Vans Pipe Masters is not being live-streamed.

In the digital age it’s one of the most basic and expected deliverings for any high profile competition. Fuck, it’s the entire reason you’d do it. YouTube advertising. Eyeballs = revenue

On face value the decision is inexplicable. I don’t think it’s an artistic statement, like my mate and his piano had intended. Likely it’s more to do with simply running out of the money to do it.

But there is something vaguely refreshing about the semi black-out in Vans Pipe Masters coverage. Results being drip fed through written updates. Secondhand reports of the conditions and the vibe on the sand. Various pirate streams giving us some grainy, shaky footage.

Remember the days of getting comp news three months later in your print publication of choice? Or waiting another six months to watch only the curated highlights in VHS form?

Things have changed. We come to expect everything instantaneously – and for free. Anything less is an abject slap in the face to us. The audience. Have we become too demanding?

Not to excuse Vans for the obvious own goal.

How easy is it to set up a camera and a mic? Da Hui been doing it on the cheap for 20 years. Blak Bear Social Club and Nate Florence are filling the void for us just now, at what you would think would be either zero or at most minimal cost.

But it is a conversation, starter, to say the least. A guerilla marketing tactic

And here I sit, in the small window of time I have before the rest of my house awakes, ruminating on the meaning of it all and typing up this bullshit instead of being planted on the lounge, coffee in one hand and live chat phone in the other, my eyes glued to multiple screens like the hopeless social media junkie I am.

They’re giving our time back to us. There is that.

Still, it would be sick to be watching it, but.

C’mon Vans, ya hopeless cunts.

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