New weapon unlocked in fight against VALs, blow-ins and Barneys

Slaps out, turkey in.

The core local, charged with regulating the lineup and keeping Vulnerable Adult Learners, blow-ins and Barneys at bay, has been on her back foot for decades. A cultural backlash against “gatekeeping,” an explosion in entitlement, Covid-era beginners with zero interest in surfing’s complex hierarchy structure but most especially cameras everywhere plus a litigious glee has left the once-feared core local defanged. Nothing he can do, these days, but grunt under his breath.

Though help on the way?

Yesterday, Sean Dunn, 37, of Washington D.C. was found not guilty of misdemeanor assault by a court of law even though he hurled a sandwich at a border officer, scoring a direct hit.

The jury was not swayed by Customs and Border Patrol agent Gregory Lairmore’s powerful testimony in which he declared that the footlong sub “exploded all over him” and he “could smell the onions and mustard” on his uniform.

“I could feel it through my ballistic vest,” he said, adding that an onion string hung from his police radio and mustard stained his shirt.

His colleagues had also made fun of him.

At the end, though, no assault and a new day dawning for the core lord. He can now menace parking lots and stairs, beach huts and bathrooms with an arsenal of sando, ready to fling and shame all interlopers who don’t know the rules.

The meatball sub will be a popular weapon, no doubt, as it both packs a punch and also nods toward the core local classic Point Break.

Chicken parm, though unwieldy, likely to be favored as well.

Suck peperoncini, kook.

But, real quick, what is your favorite sub/hoagie to eat?

Hard to beat the Philly cheesesteak, for my money.