Watch: The most vicious face dislocation in the history of high performance shortboard surfing!

Surfing is fun?

You know exactly what I’m talking about here because we’ve all felt it. The stress, the absolute terror of paddling back out when someone is ripping down the line. Someone carving and bashing and smashing and there you are too far away from the already carved, bashed, smashed part of the wave to commit easy seppuku. To far from the soft shoulder.

Right in the way. Right smack bang in the way.

Or just chilling on the shoulder. Playing cool. Playing “I’ve-been-in-heavier-surf-than-this-and-who-cares” while just sitting on board being James Bond.

Figuring out how to commit seppuku is always the right call but sometimes…. damn it sometimes we rely on the goodwill, attention, of our high performance shortboard surfing sisters and brothers.

Them seeing us and dumb turning away or not seeing us and just getting lucky. Them understanding our cool James Bond thing because they’ve played it too and respecting the chill.

No?

Unfortunately yes.

But on very rare* occasions signals get crossed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B89gmx9HM9b/

And tell me true. Have you ever seen a more vicious face dislocation?

Have you delivered one?

Please tell.

*Excluding Gabriel Medina


BeachGrit favorite Joel Tudor wins the Noosa Longboard Open, edges closer to shattering nemesis Kelly Slater’s most cherished record!

The burn. The wonderful burn.

Today, or maybe it was yesterday, tears of joy are/were streaming down tanned cheeks in Noosa, Australia. Yes, the region was just declared the tenth World Surfing Reserve but, more importantly, longboard icon, prodigal son and BeachGrit favorite Joel Tudor has returned and vanquished all-comers.

You’ll recall Joel Tudor getting angry again, the time he called BeachGrit “some gossip bitches“, the time  he told Ryan Burch he’d “kick him in the fucking knees” etc. but mostly you’ll recall his various beefs with nemesis Kelly Slater here, here, here, etc.

My personal favorite was when he called Kelly Slater out for wearing the wrong color’d belt (here) but what was yours?

The time he got Kelly Slater to change an Instagram caption?

Good choice and with his victory yesterday, Joel Tudor stands ready to change the history books, wiping Kelly Slater’s name from what, I assume, is his most cherished record. Being the oldest man on earth to ever win a professional surfing championship tour event.

Kelly Slater, you know without me reminding you, was 44-years-old when he won the 2016 Teahupoo Pro. Joel Tudor was 43 at his victory yesterday and, by all measure, has much gas in the tank.

Shall we read the press release?

Almost 20 years after his last appearance at the Noosa Festival, and 16 years since his last ASP / WSL event win, Joel Tudor (USA) has taken another major victory, at the ripe age of 43. A two-time World Longboard Champion (‘98 and ‘04), Tudor is an icon of surfing and longboarding in particular, winning his first professional event at 15. He is now running his own logging invitational events, the ‘Vans Duct Tape Series’ globally, celebrating traditional longboarding.

Tudor made a trip to Australia to surf with his sons on the points of Noosa and check out the Noosa Festival and was given a wildcard into the event, which he then went onto win. Tudor now finds himself sitting in No. 1 on the World Longboard Rankings and with no choice but to go for his third World Longboard Title.

“I think the last time I won this event was 20 years ago and most of the competitors here this week weren’t even born,” Tudor said. “Then I won my last ASP event 16 years ago so it’s been a long time since I’ve been here. I didn’t really plan on competing in this event, then I got the wildcard and kept making heats and found a rhythm, it wasn’t until the semifinals though that I knew that I could win. It was cool to come up against Kevin (Skvarna), he is one of the best guys at the Duct Tape events so it was rad to share a heat with him.

The best part of this win is that my kids are here. They’ve seen the trophies and heard the stories but now they’ve seen their dad win, something which is really cool. I suppose I’m going to have to go for my third world title now, which will be epic.”

The oldest to ever win a surfing world title?

Ooooooh the burn. The wonderful burn.


Trojan Oars: Standup Journal celebrates “roar of approval throughout surf industry” over Erik Logan’s “anointing” as new WSL CEO!

Smack.

First they came for Laird Hamilton and we did not speak out because we did not like Laird Hamilton. Then they came for lakes and ponds etc. and we did not speak out because who cares about those weird little bodies of boring water where diseases of the eye etc. flourish? Then they came for our ocean’s waves and we all just mostly glared and muttered to each other with the odd extra loud grunt being directed toward those standing in our midst. Pretty ineffective, to be honest. Then they came for our World Surf League and there was nothing left to say because we had proven ourselves easily conquerable and generally weak-willed.

A standup paddleboarder in charge. A standup paddleboarder as professional surfing’s visionary leader, our Chief Executive and Lord Commander. A standup paddleboarder pulling all the strings.

A standup paddleboarder.

But how did Erik Logan celebrate his evisceration of our most cherished ideals? His bending us right over and smacking our bared bottoms with a high-tech, carbon fiber oar?

By going to Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch, of course.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B89Ip0bALh8/

And here we see professional surfing’s visionary new leader, our Chief Executive and Lord Commander, using that same high-tech, carbon fiber oar to stall poignantly for Kelly’s li’l barrel. Mocking us in ways we haven’t been mocked since Point Break II.

And here we read the Standup Journal’s account of the moment when the most aberrant, most bastardized, form of wave sliding came to destroy and maim us all.

Erik Logan finds a little time off in the shade of Kelly Slater’s surf ranch on his #blurrv2 by @infinity_sup in Lemoore, CA. Erik’s recent transition from President if OWN to the newly anointed CEO of the WSL has created a roar of approval throughout the surf industry. Elo, we salute you! Follow your dreams, folks. @wsl #infinitysup #eloforpresident #surfranch #wavesfordays #supsurf #greenroom #shred #shredmaster #infinityspeedfreaks #madeintheshade #supsurfer #perfectglass #ripping

The Standup Journal.

“The premiere stand up paddle magazine on the world: It’s a lifestyle choice.”

Not my lifestyle choice, nor yours, but here we are, wetsuits around ankles, the sound of carbon fiber against bared bottom filling the air.

Smack.

Smack.

Smack.

Smack.


Surf Magazine Editor’s anti-oil drilling campaign forces “Norwegian Scumbags” to scrap $200-million plan to mine in the Great Australian Bight!

A glorious win? Yes?

Big news in the surfers vs corpo overlord files today.

If you frequent social media you’d be familiar with the #fightforthebight campaign that’s been waged against Norwegian resources company, Equinor.

The Nords wanted to extract oil deep below the seafloor of the Great Australian Bight marine park, a couple hundred clicks off the South Australian coastline, in one of the wildest and most pristine environments you’ll find anywhere on earth.

A $200m project to deepwater drill in the conservation-listed area.

Funny thing is, Equinor could have maybe snuck under the radar with their plans if it wasn’t for a self-inflicted PR blunder, an own goal, that saw them release a map showing every possible oil spill dispersion from the proposed site, based off all the conceivable combinations of wind, swell, ocean current etc.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BuHY8FjHOrW/

When looked at without context it appeared that a single spill would sully the waters from Port Macquarie in the east to Albany in the west, all at once. In American terms, that’d be from North Carolina to Baja.

Immediately the strategic initiative was lost.

That single image galvanised a groundswell of public support, led by former Tracks editor Sean Doherty and South Oz core lord Heath Joske.

Everyone from Taj Burrow to fastidiously manicured eco-warrior-influencers got behind the push, along with a bunch of NGOs. There were insta shares, IRL paddle outs across the affected areas. It was even successfully weaponised as a local issue in last year’s federal election.

The campaign worked.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8-ASbHn0Ac/

Equinor said in a statement today that it has pulled out of the project for economic reasons after a “holistic view of its exploration portfolio.”

The Australian government ain’t happy.

Its wonderfully named resources minister, Keith Pitt, had recently doubled down on his predecessor’s love for the project and the sector in general, declaring Australia’s doors open for business to offshore oil and gas.

For him this withdrawal is a hit to the economy.

Jobs, growth ‘n all that.

You won’t see any such sad faces from me though.

I reckon it’s a great win. What grass-roots political action should look like.

You can make your jibes about surfers and their carbon footprints, burn your smartphones if you wanna be a greenie etc.

It’s a strawman argument.

Things ain’t black and white.

The resource sector is still an important part of the economy, but it needs to be managed in an environmentally sustainable way.

Deepwater drilling in a marine national park ain’t that.

This is a good outcome.

A couple of Qs were shot to Doherty but there was no response at the time of writing, assuming the gloried surf writer slash activist is enjoying a celebratory beer or three.

What do you think?

Is it a glorious win for surfers and the environment?

Or self-sabotage from a bunch of dewy eyed hypocrites during a time of increasing economic uncertainty?


Watch: “Vulnerable” 10-foot Great White shark circles small fishing boat while keeping hungry eyes on nearby surfers!

We're going to need a bigger butt.

Once upon a time, “man-eating” Great White sharks were nearly unheard of off New Zealand’s Middle Earth-esque coast. Certainly there were Bronze Whalers, Giant Basking sharks, the tiny Pygmy sharks and Frodo Gogganses but no Great Whites. The country bled black. Only black. All black.

Well the only constant is change, as climate scientists love to say, and the apex predator is now everywhere in New Zealand, turning the waters a sickly shade of grey.

How could you forget the “Smack Bang in the Eye” heard around the world?

The “Big Fat Guy” who tried to take a blushing Great White to his goggans hole?

The fact that a probably mass extinction event is likely underway right now, near Aukland City, and I’m not talking Coronavirus?

All grey indeed.

And the very latest, a 10-foot Great White came up from the depths startling two young fishermen. Shall we gather their account first hand from another source? It’s the shark-cum-surf journalist way.

The early morning glassy water on the outskirts of Anzac Bay, north of Tauranga, was the perfect time and place to head out and go fishing.

But the kingfish on the minds of Katikati’s 19-year-old Ryan Crapp and his friend Scott quickly turned to a 3.5m great white shark.

The pair had bait fish trailing the boat and Crapp thought the fish “darting everywhere” was a sign they were in for a catch.

“At first I thought, sweet, there’s some kingfish hanging around and then I saw the fin pop up and thought it was a pesky old bronze whaler (shark).”

“Oh s***, that’s a great white,” he said when he saw the shark’s distinct white underbelly and facial features.

The boys weren’t scared, clearly, but the surfers paddling across this very stretch to a nearby break certainly would have been had they seen the same distinct white underbelly and facial features. They would have been scared then likely playing one-arm’d basketball. One-leg’d rugby.

The region’s various scientists were interested/thrilled by the sighting as it was so rare and the species is listed as “vulnerable”  but they clearly don’t read BeachGrit and clearly aren’t aware of the coming end.

Very scary.

The crunch of bones etc.

Watch here.