“A coffee table. A square one. No, rectangle. No,
in the shape of…a surfboard?” His mind whirred like a
Breitling.
A hard-white sunlight pushed through the blinds of the
marketing department Monday morning. A pair of executives
sat comfortably on a Finnala© three-seat faux-leather sectional
(available black, sherpa tan; pull-out, $2,455).
Facing them was cross-legged former world number-two surfer and
environmentalist Rob Machado, sipping coffee from his Kejserlig©
mug (black, grey, clay; $4.99/2-pk).
“You find the place OK, Rob?”
“Yeah, I saw those bright blue and yellow flags out front. It’s
cool that you guys support Ukraine.”
The executives crossed eyes then returned to Machado.
“Hungry?” asked the exec as she extended a plate of Huvodroll©
meatballs ($7.99/12) toward Rob.
“I’m vegan.”
The executives winked at each other knowingly and stretched
another arrangement of Varldsklok© plant-mince balls across the
glass table.
“How about these? They’re sustainable!” the exec exclaimed.
“What does that even mean?” asked Machado raising an
eyebrow.
The executives leaned forward.
“That’s why we brought you here, Rob. We’re dreaming about a new
fully sustainable surf-inspired line: furniture, cookware, beach
gear. And we think you’re the perfect person for a collaboration.
Full partners, IKEA, the WSL, and you, from forest to floor.”
Rob, drawing fingers to lips, questioned the proposition. “Ikea
uses precious timber to build its stuff, yeah?”
While one executive rubbed his hands into a nervous ball, the
other responded, “Yes, but it’s all sealed in plastic.”
“Oh.”
Seemingly relaxed, Rob slipped off his sandals and slid his toes
through the plush Langsted© area rug (low-pile, non-slide;
$49.99).
“We want to collaborate for the same reason Dockers paired with
Jon Rose’s Waves for Water. I mean, who doesn’t want―no,
need―access to affordable slacks in drought-stricken regions of the
world?”
The other executive added, “We want to collaborate with you for
the same reason Breitling grabbed Kelly for his intimate knowledge
of clockworks.”
The room went silent as if chloroformed.
Dropping their smiles, the executives explained. “You see, Rob,
our company is about more than disposable furniture. We’re about
preserving the environment and those living within it. You ever
visit the San Diego IKEA?”
“The one on Fenton Parkway? Sure. And I’ve always dreamt about
cruising a couple hours north to the Costa Mesa store in my
conversion van.”
The executive began painting Rob a picture. “When you enter the
San Diego IKEA, you see people from all walks of life―old, young,
rich, semi-rich. Everyone is there, in every color, walking in
perfect harmony, perpetually. It’s about multi-cultural
sustainability for people and planet alike.”
“You should open one in Kharkiv,” interjected Rob
innocently.
The executive talked straight into Rob’s eyes. “So far, we have
a few items in the works but are stuck. For example, take a look at
this.”
The executives unfolded a Kaseberga© prototype beach blanket on
the table, plain white.
“Now, Rob, we want something that screams ‘SURFBOARDING!’ Tell
us: what should we do with this blanket?”
Machado studied the cloth like a surgeon reading an x-ray,
shifting his eyes around the four corners of the terry-cloth
monolith.
“I’m thinking floral print.”
The executives pumped their fists in unison.
“YES! That’s exactly why we brought you in, Mr. Machado. Now,
keep the flow here. Keep rolling.”
They made bicycle crank circles with their hands.
“What else is spinning in your head for the collection?”
Rob folded his arms, slid his eyes to the ceiling, then spoke
slowly, carefully.
“A coffee table. A square one. No, rectangle. No, in the shape
of…a surfboard?” His mind whirred like a Breitling.
“Oh, that’s beautiful, Rob,” cried one of the executives.
“Beautiful. A table that looks like a surfboard.”
A tabletop drum roll and trumpet sounded from the executives.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Kaseberga© surfboard coffee
table (bamboo, wire underframe, $99.99)!”
For the next four hours, the team poured over the new Surf-Core
Line designs. They sketched, they grappled, they wondered, pushing
the limits of design, taste and ethics. In the end, each piece of
the collection was determined to have floral print. They also had
the idea for a charcoal grill, also with floral print.
Rob, exhausted, fell back in his chair.
“This is all great, guys. But is it sustainable?”
Befuddled, the executives tossed their palms upward.
“We’ve gone over this. Everything comes from trees we rip down
and what can be, will be, wrapped in plastic.”
“That’s not enough. I’m sorry.”
“Mr. Machado, just what do you mean?”
“You know, sustainable. Royalties in perpetuity.”
The trio burst into wild laughter.
“Now, how ‘bout we grab some plant-mince balls and drive up to
Costa Mesa in that conversion van (Dodge, 1978, 7 mi/gal.).”
