There was once a time when things were simple and people stayed in their assigned categories. Bad boys were bad. Society girls were rich. Jocks were sporty. Nerds were smart. Weirdos were weird. Surfers had heads filled with air. Society existing in perfect balance. Of course, as it goes with evolution, the main attribute of any in their designated camp was counterbalanced so as not to give one ultimate power. Bad boys, for example, smoldered and attracted society girls, bringing them down lest they rise too high. Nerds were ugly and awkward lest they combine their big brains and good looks to clean up all the babes. Surfers, empty and vapid, a good enough time but never taken seriously.
Alas, all has been shattered. While nerds like Mark Zuckerberg has been attempting to shed his ugly and awkward for years, it is clearly not working.
Enter the World’s Smartest Surfer
The world’s smartest surfer was, once, Bron Heussenstamm. The Southern Californian wasn’t a great surfer, though good enough to regularly have photos appear in magazines. He wasn’t that smart, but smart enough to get into USC. Barton Lynch and Ace Buchan also considered “smart” but by surf’s wonderfully low standard.
Kanoa Igarashi has shattered the status quo.
Yesterday, the Japan-by-way-of-Huntington-Beach 26-year-old posted a studious self portrait. Was he examining surf reports? Maybe putting items in his online basket then taking them back out again?
He was attending class at Harvard.
Igarashi attends Harvard. He is the world’s sitting surfing silver medalist. He is the current World Surf League number 14. He has boy band good looks.
His only burden?
The voice of a muppet.
And occasional bouts with Tourettes.
Igarashi having so much, while others have so little, has sparked a new class war, one that threatens to undermine the last bits of peace and goodwill on earth. Picketing currently being planned for Portugal, where Igarashi also lives an incredibly rich and satisfying European life.