"Everyone's watching and paying attention..."

The corpse of surfing shortboard’s second Olympic running is still warm but that is not stopping the punditry from trying to put it in a broader context, figuring out what it all meant and what it will mean for this Sport of Queens. Stab went full jingoism in the immediate aftermath, noting that Caroline Marks’ gold pushed the United States momentarily past China in the medal counts. Weird per the norm. The Inertia focused on whale hunting off Japan’s coast. France’s RFI, or Radio France Internationale, kept up its proud secular tradition by lightly making fun of gold medalist Kauli Vaast crediting “life force” for his win and ESPN, the worldwide leader in sport, declared the whole affair a boon to surfing.

“While not every surfer who competed was able to bring home a medal,” wrote the unnamed author, “many agreed that the second Olympic surfing competition — filled with viral photographs, record-breaking scores and hours of stunning video footage broadcast to viewers around the world — helped promote the sport.”

The first was, of course, in the aforementioned whale huntin’ Japan in tiny conditions.

The piece continued:

“Everyone’s watching and paying attention,” said (Gabriel Medina), who said he gained millions of social media followers after a photo of him floating in the sky next to his surfboard while bailing out of a wave went viral during the competition. “I think surfing wins.”

But do you agree with the assessment? An overall win for surfing? I can’t speak to how things were playing in the United States or Australia, but in Paris it was impossible to find even the shortest clip of surfing shortboard on any national broadcast. I didn’t see one, in fact. So surfing maybe didn’t win in France but Hossegor grumpy locals should be well pleased. First the World Surf League up and leaves. Then the country refuses to care because handball.

Gold.

Lit candles for the win.

Surf fans rejoiced as one, yesterday, as Colin Jost re-emerged after suffering a horror foot scrape in “the most dangerous place in the world.” The funnyman, tapped by NBC to be the on-ground reporter, shared that he had scratched his hoof on the reef then developed a deadly staphylococcal infection then developed an ear infection then disappeared entirely.

Fearing the worst, the aforementioned surf fans lit candles and thought their most positive thoughts.

Massive relief that the collective action had worked as Jost came back to Instagram and wrote, “I’m alive. With journalism.” Adding further context he explained, “rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

It was accompanied by a bit with Jost interviewing skulls after learning that Teahupo’o might mean “Wall of Skulls” from “a white man in Indiana” though might he have meant Kaipo Guerrero? I can’t post it due the fact that I was kicked off of the platform by a patented Brazilian storm of complaints and have lost my ability to share.

Poop emoji.

In any case, and as post-mortem, did you enjoy the broadcast of Olympic surfing shortboard? Was your coverage better, worse or the same as World Surf League coverage?

Australian coach approved.

The 2024 Paris Olympic Games is rounding into the back half of its second week and what a show it has been thus far. From wild boxing controversies to gymnastics fairytales, French flexing to foie gras it has been nothing if not ooh la la. Surfing shortboard, as you know, was included with participants posted up in the middle of the Pacific some 10,000 miles away from the Arc of Triumph.

It was there, in Tahiti, that the United States stomped its reef shoe on history’s neck, the most dominant superpower the sport has ever seen.

You certainly recall the Tokyo Games which were won by the greatest ever surfer Carissa Moore. Now, at the End of the Road, Caroline Marks has backed up the feat with a gold of her own, besting Tatiana Weston-Webb and Johanne Defay in the process.

I attempted to watch at the Red Bull Energy Station which is very near to the Lourve but Finals Day was delayed due lousy-ish surf. Thus, I watched 3 on 3 men’s basketball instead which seems a fine enough game but would be finer if the players called their own fouls like on the playground. If this rule was adopted, the proud nation of Brazil would win every 3 on 3 from here to eternity as the team would miraculously never foul but get fouled on every play.

Back to Marks, though, it is reported that she narrowly beat Brazil’s Weston-Webb with a scoreline of 10.50 over 10.33. The American judges likely receiving many death threats and much poop emoji from the land of Progress and Order. The official Olympics organ attempted to spice up the final, by describing the small surf and shallow barrels, possibly hinting that Weston-Webb was done wrong with the final score?

Who knows.

Marks celebrated American might by declaring, “I’m so honored and so happy, this is just incredible and I’m so emotional. I’m so happy to do this for my family and everyone back home. Wow, I’m just so happy.”

Suck it, world.

Gold, silver, bronzing time.