Elastic-faced Hollywood funny man turned surf inspiration Jonah Hill rumoured to’ve added iconic “Samurai House” at big-wave spot Waimea Bay to his collection of beachfront houses, which includes his epic new $15 million Malibu Colony residence!

"I’m like damn, at 35 you can start doing shit you’ve always wanted to do.”

The Hollywood funnyman and surfer inspiration to anyone whoever thought about turning to surf late in life but were worried they’d missed the boat or thought they were too chubby, weak, afraid etc, is rumoured to’ve spent millions on Waimea Bay’s iconic Samurai House.

(Update: Samurai House owner says house not for sale and it don’t matter how much a movie star wants to throw at it.)

The joint has five bedrooms and nine bathrooms, eight of ‘em with bidets. Very clean ass!

It hangs off the rocks on the Haleiwa side of the Bay and is a short bike ride from a host of longboard friendly waves, including Chuns, Leftovers, Alligators and, if Hill is ready to step up, there’s Jocko’s and Laniakea a little further down the road.

(The rental blurb on VRBO also lists two other waves, Uppers and Samurai’s, directly out front, dunno about much about em. I think maybe not so hot, but nice for sliding on foam boards maybe.)

When the big winter swells come from the North, and suitably equipped with a surfboard of nine-feet or more, Hill might even consider leaping from the rim of his swimming pool and paddling out and over to the Bay itself.

A three-thousand dollar a night rental until the rumoured sale, the four-thousand square feet house has ocean views from every single damn room and the three master suites on the upper level have balconies that make y’feel as if you’re hovering over the ocean.

You’ll remember last week, news that Hill, whose career peaked when he shelved Russ Brand’s smack in the comedy classic Get Him to the Greek, had listed the Malibu Colony joint he’d just renovated in the gated celebrity enclave once home to Tom Hanks, Woody Harrelson, Jeff Bridges and Billy Murray, footsteps from the point made famous by anti-hero Dora, and picked up something on the sand.

Why take an electric buggy to the beach when you can roll down the stairs?

“Been terrified to surf my whole life,” Hill says, “Totally random fear and at the same time always been a secret dream of mine. Turned out to be one of the most fun experiences I’ve ever had. Not only was it so fun and challenging but more so I’m like damn, at 35 you can start doing shit you’ve always wanted to do.”

Slater (pictured) and what might have been. @sensitiveseashellcollector
Slater (pictured) and what might have been. @sensitiveseashellcollector

Surf Journalist on epic quest to find mythical non-surfing World Surf League fan comes tantalizingly close, brushes Kelly Slater-induced glory in Amarillo, Texas!

What might have been.

Sharon, my deeply Texan Applebee’s bartender, early 50s with a drawl as thick as spun honey, straw-colored beehive piled high atop head and immaculate pink fingernails giggled when I opened my older model MacBook Air to continue documenting this most epic quest.

I have two stickers affixed to its lid. One, BeachGrit’s mascot Cryin’ Jordy surrounded by the oft-repeated phrase “I want my Beach Grit” (buy car air freshener version here). The other, a black bar that reads “I peed in Kelly’s pool” featuring Surf Ranch’s iconic brand in white.

“Do you know who Kelly is?” I asked, immediately perked, assuming Cryin’ Jordy wasn’t eliciting any laughs.

Had I finally found her, the non-surfing World Surf League fan, here, in Amarillo mixing up Electric Lemon Crushes, an invigorating vodka lemonade made with ultra-premium Grey Goose, premium lemon sour, blue curaçao and lemonade?

Was this the reason the Volkswagen went into limp mode?

To bring me to Sharon?

“No,” she drawled. “Why don’t you tell me, honey?”

Lightly defeated but hope still bubbling I responded, “Have you ever heard of Kelly Slater?”

“Nuh-uh. Who is he?” she wondered, genuinely curious.

All the way defeated I told her, “He is the world’s greatest competitive professional surfer.”

“Oh,” she said enthusiastically. “I guess I’ve peed in his pool too then,” and repeated the same giggle.

I didn’t have the heart to explain that Slater had created an inland surfing experience in a place not unlike Amarillo so just giggled back.

Still waiting for status update from the Volkswagen dealership.

More as the story develops.

Slater demonstrates to neighbor John John Florence how he used to walk down his beach stairs. Photo: Steve Sherman @tsherms
Slater demonstrates to neighbor John John Florence how he used to walk down his beach stairs. Photo: Steve Sherman @tsherms

“Burrito-gate” takes wild turn as the “illegal structure” surf supernova Kelly Slater erected on his North Shore property exclusively revealed!

"New stuff has come to light."

Days ago, the internet exploded into a tizzy when it was revealed that the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater was placing one of his two North Shore, Oahu homes on the rental marketplace for $46,000 per month. Potential tenants feverishly checked bank accounts, cushions of couch, for a chance to rest their heads on pillows purchased by staff of the 11x champion.

BeachGrit led the news cycle, breathlessly gushing, “The 5 bedroom/6 bath beachfront estate, spanning 6700 square feet, features a swimming pool, air-conditioning, hardwood flooring, decks, a patio and garage for which to park an SUV or pick-up truck on large tires. The beachfront portion, it should be noted, is also protected by burritos.” And adding a description from Architectural Digest reading, “(It) is infused with Asian and Hawaiian design elements, made especially apparent by the serene boardwalk over an outdoor pond with a Buddha statue sitting in the midst of tropical plant life.”

Well, a very kind realtor handling the property reached out directly to correct the record. There was no Buddha statue and no burrito, sand-filled bags that are illegally placed on the beach to prevent erosion. In fact, neither of Slater’s properties had every utilized such a thing and it was a lie that had been propagated through media by unscrupulous journalists/The Inertia.

Revealed today, exclusively, though and through a sterling source, is that Slater did have an illegal structure at his house near Ehukai (not the one for rent) that has since been removed.

What was it?

A 5G cell tower disguised as a palm tree?

A backyard-sized Surf Ranch?

A replica of his Cocoa Beach effigy?


A set of un-permitted stairs that went down to the beach.

Are you outraged?

But do you think Slater built himself, tool belt on etc., or do you think he hired a handyman?

More as the story develops.

White (pictured) in surf.
White (pictured) in surf.

World’s most famous winter Olympian Shaun “The Flying Tomato” White officially retires from snowboarding, follows latent dream of becoming surf instructor!

Surf instruction is so hot right now.

If you do not know the name “Shaun White” from feats of Olympic snowboarding greatness, including three halfpipe gold medals, then you certainly know it from appearing next to “Tony Hawk” and “Kelly Slater” as the three presented a moving speech at the most recent Academy Awards.

White, who enjoys going by “The Flying Tomato,” has been a fixture in extreme sport since bursting onto the X-Games scene in 2002, winning both skateboarding and snowboarding medals. The mainstream fell in love when he won that first gold at the 2006 Turin Olympics, propelling him to normal famous status as opposed to Julian Wilson famous.

Well, at 35-years young, the American darling has officially retired. In a sweeping interview with Us Weekly, White declared, “It feels great, honestly. I mean, it’s hard to say because obviously I’ve done so many Olympics and at this point, like, I normally take the season after off just to, you know, get excited again. And so, everything’s kind of felt like it’s going to plan. I think that the strange part will be the winter season after this one. I’ll be like, ‘Oh wait, I guess school’s still out.’”

But how will he spend the next 35 to 45 years of his life?

TikTok-ing with his girlfriend, actress Nina Dobrev. “I convinced my girlfriend to get on TikTok and now she’s all about it. And now I gotta watch her just, like, surpass me in minutes in her following. It’s like, ‘No!’ Not that I’m competitive at all.”

And the dream of all dreams, becoming a surf instructor. “I’m teaching Nina how to surf currently. She’s so talented as a snowboarder, which is great, because I’ve been in past relationships when they couldn’t snowboard and I’m a terrible coach. I’m like, ‘You just do it!’ But now she’s got the surfing bug. She’s excited about it, so now we’re trying to find places we can go surf and vacation and hang … She caught like seven waves in Hawaii and it was like she was feeling it, yeah!”

Wonderful and I wish nothing but White and Dobrev eternal happiness. But… if the relationship were to unfortunately end, there would be more fish in the sea for our Tomato. Maybe even a whale like the multi-talented Jonah Hill, who fell in love with his surf instructor too.

Surf instruction is so hot right now.

Screaming woman mauled and dragged underwater by endangered seal named after breakthrough Sylvester Stallone movie, “It was a brutal attack. It was rough to watch. At one point, Rocky’s mouth got a hold of her head!”

"People started screaming and yelled to call 911. Everyone was freaking out nobody knew what to do!"

A monk seal named Rocky has given hell to a swimmer in Hawaii after the woman swam too close to its two-week-old pup.

“It was a brutal attack. It was rough to watch. At one point, Rocky’s mouth got a hold of her head, and she was trying to splash and get away,” witness Rosa Timberlake told KITV.

Her daughter Kaili added, “The seal saw the swimmer and raced toward her. People started screaming and yelled to call 911. Everyone was freaking out nobody knew what to do since there was no lifeguard on duty.”

Kaimana beach is a pretty little joint at the foot of the Diamond Head volcano and is famous for its feisty monk seals, which were once hunted almost to extinction.

Most of ’em are around eight foot long and weigh five hundred pounds. Real big units.

The NOAA and Hawaii Marine Animal Response have signs telling swimmers they might get roughed up by ‘em, especially around babying time. 

“If you’re in an area where mother seals with pups have been spotted, we urge you to stay at least 150 feet away from mother seals with pups on land and in the water,” warns the NOAA Fisheries.

The woman’s husband told investigators,

“She could not hear 50 or so people on the beach screaming for swimmers to get out of the water. She then stands up and hears the people screaming and waving at her. She starts swimming away from the seals. I’m thinking she’s going to die, by the time I get down to the beach. When I got there, three rescuers, including one in an outrigger canoe were bringing her to shore, while the seals were swimming toward them again. All my wife did was go swimming, and she happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”