What might have been.

Sharon, my deeply Texan Applebee’s bartender, early 50s with a drawl as thick as spun honey, straw-colored beehive piled high atop head and immaculate pink fingernails giggled when I opened my older model MacBook Air to continue documenting this most epic quest.

I have two stickers affixed to its lid. One, BeachGrit’s mascot Cryin’ Jordy surrounded by the oft-repeated phrase “I want my Beach Grit” (buy car air freshener version here). The other, a black bar that reads “I peed in Kelly’s pool” featuring Surf Ranch’s iconic brand in white.

“Do you know who Kelly is?” I asked, immediately perked, assuming Cryin’ Jordy wasn’t eliciting any laughs.

Had I finally found her, the non-surfing World Surf League fan, here, in Amarillo mixing up Electric Lemon Crushes, an invigorating vodka lemonade made with ultra-premium Grey Goose, premium lemon sour, blue curaçao and lemonade?

Was this the reason the Volkswagen went into limp mode?

To bring me to Sharon?

“No,” she drawled. “Why don’t you tell me, honey?”

Lightly defeated but hope still bubbling I responded, “Have you ever heard of Kelly Slater?”

“Nuh-uh. Who is he?” she wondered, genuinely curious.

All the way defeated I told her, “He is the world’s greatest competitive professional surfer.”

“Oh,” she said enthusiastically. “I guess I’ve peed in his pool too then,” and repeated the same giggle.

I didn’t have the heart to explain that Slater had created an inland surfing experience in a place not unlike Amarillo so just giggled back.

Still waiting for status update from the Volkswagen dealership.

More as the story develops.

"New stuff has come to light."

Days ago, the internet exploded into a tizzy when it was revealed that the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater was placing one of his two North Shore, Oahu homes on the rental marketplace for $46,000 per month. Potential tenants feverishly checked bank accounts, cushions of couch, for a chance to rest their heads on pillows purchased by staff of the 11x champion.

BeachGrit led the news cycle, breathlessly gushing, “The 5 bedroom/6 bath beachfront estate, spanning 6700 square feet, features a swimming pool, air-conditioning, hardwood flooring, decks, a patio and garage for which to park an SUV or pick-up truck on large tires. The beachfront portion, it should be noted, is also protected by burritos.” And adding a description from Architectural Digest reading, “(It) is infused with Asian and Hawaiian design elements, made especially apparent by the serene boardwalk over an outdoor pond with a Buddha statue sitting in the midst of tropical plant life.”

Well, a very kind realtor handling the property reached out directly to correct the record. There was no Buddha statue and no burrito, sand-filled bags that are illegally placed on the beach to prevent erosion. In fact, neither of Slater’s properties had every utilized such a thing and it was a lie that had been propagated through media by unscrupulous journalists/The Inertia.

Revealed today, exclusively, though and through a sterling source, is that Slater did have an illegal structure at his house near Ehukai (not the one for rent) that has since been removed.

What was it?

A 5G cell tower disguised as a palm tree?

A backyard-sized Surf Ranch?

A replica of his Cocoa Beach effigy?

No.

A set of un-permitted stairs that went down to the beach.

Are you outraged?

But do you think Slater built himself, tool belt on etc., or do you think he hired a handyman?

More as the story develops.

Surf instruction is so hot right now.

If you do not know the name “Shaun White” from feats of Olympic snowboarding greatness, including three halfpipe gold medals, then you certainly know it from appearing next to “Tony Hawk” and “Kelly Slater” as the three presented a moving speech at the most recent Academy Awards.

White, who enjoys going by “The Flying Tomato,” has been a fixture in extreme sport since bursting onto the X-Games scene in 2002, winning both skateboarding and snowboarding medals. The mainstream fell in love when he won that first gold at the 2006 Turin Olympics, propelling him to normal famous status as opposed to Julian Wilson famous.

Well, at 35-years young, the American darling has officially retired. In a sweeping interview with Us Weekly, White declared, “It feels great, honestly. I mean, it’s hard to say because obviously I’ve done so many Olympics and at this point, like, I normally take the season after off just to, you know, get excited again. And so, everything’s kind of felt like it’s going to plan. I think that the strange part will be the winter season after this one. I’ll be like, ‘Oh wait, I guess school’s still out.’”

But how will he spend the next 35 to 45 years of his life?

TikTok-ing with his girlfriend, actress Nina Dobrev. “I convinced my girlfriend to get on TikTok and now she’s all about it. And now I gotta watch her just, like, surpass me in minutes in her following. It’s like, ‘No!’ Not that I’m competitive at all.”

And the dream of all dreams, becoming a surf instructor. “I’m teaching Nina how to surf currently. She’s so talented as a snowboarder, which is great, because I’ve been in past relationships when they couldn’t snowboard and I’m a terrible coach. I’m like, ‘You just do it!’ But now she’s got the surfing bug. She’s excited about it, so now we’re trying to find places we can go surf and vacation and hang … She caught like seven waves in Hawaii and it was like she was feeling it, yeah!”

Wonderful and I wish nothing but White and Dobrev eternal happiness. But… if the relationship were to unfortunately end, there would be more fish in the sea for our Tomato. Maybe even a whale like the multi-talented Jonah Hill, who fell in love with his surf instructor too.

Surf instruction is so hot right now.