No no.

Now that the Pipe Masters is, officially, over and the Pipeline Pro still over a month away, we surf fans, we liquid prancers, can turn our attention to matters of great import. Will American Meghan Markle topple the British crown? Does the tripledemic matter? Should we go watch James Cameron’s surf-inspired follow up to Avatar, titled Avatar: The Way or Water, or should we boycott after he used enslaved dolphins to entertain ahead of the film’s Japan opening?

Oh, many people, of all stripes, are furious at the stunt. As you know, Kelly Slater and a host of other surfers have campaigned for our captive sea friends for years upon years. Those, for example, locked into amusement park tubs etc. and also those dolphins slaughtered in Taiji, Japan each and every year.

Cameron seemed unfazed by the outrage even though he is a vegan, joking, “I’m sure everybody asked their permission to be in the show. I love these animals, I love their intelligence.”

PETA let him, and the film’s stars, have it in a scathing rebuke.

“To see James Cameron, Sigourney Weaver and Sam Worthington sitting there applauding was shocking. The trainers were treating those dolphins like circus clowns. They were riding on the noses of the dolphins, I mean, that’s as bad as it gets.”

Is that as bad as it gets, though?

Like, what if the trainers made Tiny Taiji in the tank, whipped out samurai swords and chopped the creatures into sashimi?

Worse, I’d argue.

Even with the controversy, Avatar: The Way of Water has had one of the largest opening in cinema history. At time of writing, Kelly Slater has not signaled if he will take it in or boycott.

Me?

Oh, I’m looking forward to hate watching. Avatar was one of my least favorite movies of all time.

Even less favorite than Sex and the City II.

Wow.

Molly Pinklum too!

The 2022 Pipe Masters is, officially, in the books as two new names are etched into the histories of “the world’s most prestigious surf contest” alongside Gerry Lopez, Derek Ho, Kelly Slater, Rob Machado etc. New York’s Balaram Stack and Australia’s Molly Pinklum. Insta-legends. Forever Pipe Masters.

Stack dispatched Griffin Colapinto, Kaulana Apo and Joao Chianca in stormy, rain-whipped Backdoor to hoist the title high above his handsome head. “I’m shocked,” he said afterward. “I don’t really know what to think. I need a minute to settle in. I’m stoked my mother is here. I’ll be thankful and shocked for a while.”

Pinklum took out Bellylou Johnson, Caitlin Simmers and darling Carissa Moore and declared, “Although I was holding the trophy, I feel like we won by pushing women’s surfing. I’m honored to have done this alongside such a strong, inspirational, cool class of women!”

You can, and should, catch all the highlights above but there are a few questions we must ponder, together, before you go. The Pipe Masters was radically reimagined this year, scoring barrels, airs and turns with the same weight, removing priority, multiple no-loser rounds etc. While the swell forecast made for some trouble, delaying the proceedings for a week, how did you feel about the overall business?

Like it was all more reflective of “the world’s most prestigious surf contest” or that the Pipe Masters has been degraded to a fun, but pointless, novelty show?

Nothing at stake, save many thousands of thousands of dollars and the title itself, did seem to take some of the oomph out of it. The World Surf League, for all its problems, does create a narrative that becomes compelling and truly does claim the world’s best surfers. Medina, Florence, Slater each sitting out the Pipe Masters throwing that truth into starker relief.

The real proof of the Pipe Master’s health will be, I suppose, if late January’s Pipeline Pro becomes surfing’s crown jewel instead.

What are your thoughts there?

Also, imagine if Sal Masekela’s self-satisfaction could be turned into an energy source. Enough gigawatts to light Stack’s New York City.

Salf-Satisfaction.