Trudeau (pictured) ripping for giddy groupies. Photo: Almost Famous
Trudeau (pictured) ripping for giddy groupies. Photo: Almost Famous

Surf groupies giddy as Canada’s Prime Minister “Juicy” Justin Trudeau announces he’s newly single and ready to mingle!

Old-school in-your-face bad behavior.

The U.S. Open of Surfing is in full swing and hotel lobbies, around the Huntington Beach pier zone, are packed to the gills with surf groupies waiting for a chance to see their heroes, maybe make eyes near the elevator bank, possibly be invited upstairs to share a Theraband stretching session or Laird Superfood macha latte then being sent home at an entirely reasonable hour.

Yes, today’s professional surfers are not the randy bears of yesteryear. They are healthy, devoted to meditation and fitness, here for a long time not a good time, and so you can imagine the illicit thrill the aforementioned surf buffs felt when hearing the news, yesterday, that Justin Trudeau and his wife of eighteen years, Sophie Grégoire Trudeau, were separating.

“After many meaningful and difficult conversations, we have made the decision to separate,” Canada’s Prime Minister wrote on Instagram. “As always, we remain a close family with deep love and respect for each other and for everything we have built and will continue to build. For the well-being of our children, we ask that you respect our and their privacy.”

Well-being of children aside, Trudeau is the global leader with the best surfing skills, regularly showing his skills and even rubbing those skills in everyone’s face.

Two-plus years ago, he was beaten by local press for taking a surfing vacation to Tofino on Canada’s first Truth and Reconciliation Day wherein apologies are made for treating the indigenous poorly.

Old-school in-your-face bad behavior.

He was also a notable playboy pre-marriage.

Taj Burrow-style.

Will surfing’s most high-profile lightly narcissistic surf groupie shoot her shot?

More as the story develops.

Griff heeds Steve Addington's verbal thunder.

Surf Olympian Griffin Colapinto credits “verbal thunder” from Hollywood superstar Matthew McConaughey for sudden success!

McConaughey's "love of surf is unquestionable" although his career was almost dashed on the rocks with turns as Steve Addington in Surfer, Dude and Moondog in Beach Bum”.

You’ll remember only twelve months ago, tears falling for Griffin Colapinto who, despite winning two of the ten events, failed to secure a position in the crucial top five thereby missing the chance to win a world title at Lowers, his home break. 

Griff was murdered by four seventeenths at waves he should’ve owned, Pipe, Sunset, Bells and Rio. And when he fell in the round of sixteen at Teahupoo, oowee, out came the waterworks, the twenty five year old crying over a loss for the first time since he was twelve. 

This year has been markedly different, seconds at Sunset, Margs and El Salvador and a very controversial win at Slater’s Surf Ranch securing his spot in the final five and a slot in the US Olympic Surf Team, which is coached by Brett Simpson, one of the ablest and worst-used men in sports. 

Now, Colapinto has revealed the role Academy Award winning actor Matthew McConaughey, who watched the Sunset event from the Red Bull Athlete Lounge, played in his success.

As Colapinto told People magazine, McConaughey “hurled magnificent verbal thunder and lightning” before heats and it propelled the San Clementine into the season of his life, culminating with a ticket to Teahupoo in 2024 and a seat at the champions table in September. 

Colapinto has since returned the favour, advising McConaughey’s kid Levi, who made a stunning debut on Instagram three weeks ago with surf heavyweights lining up to praise his skills. 

The WSL personality famous for his steroidal tits, Strider Wasilewski, wrote, “Sick one grom” while former pro surfer Yadin Nicol simply melted, “So sick, Levi!”

Colapinto says Levi’s “been super psyched on surfing so I’ve been helping him with some surfing tips. He comes to San Clemente and surfs our local wave. It seems like they’re getting super into it, and that’s rad.”

McConaughey’s “love of surf is unquestionable” although his career was almost dashed on the rocks with turns as Steve Addington in Surfer, Dude and Moondog in Beach Bum”.

(Editor’s note: this story is a culmination of three hours sitting in front of a blank screen watching the click meter stutter and grafting an even-more-pointless-than-usual story over an otherwise fruitful afternoon drinking rum treated with squirts of lime and grapefruit juice.)

Violence against surf journalists on rise after string of unprecedented direct message attacks!

"Hey there super cool guy, hope you're having good times making fun of folks from your 'man cave' at mom's house."

I wonder if Mark Zuckerberg saw this future back in 2004 when he pressed the launch button for Facebook? A world where “disinformation” reigns, hurt feelings bloom, professional longboarders excoriated for practicing safety, surf journalists targeted and attacked via unsolicited direct messages.

There I was, minding my own business, trying to find a new backdoor into Kelly Slater’s Instagram account when I noticed there was little orange “1” paper airplane in the upper right corner of my cellular phone screen. Clicking, and expecting a congratulations for nearing 5000 posts on the culturally valuable surf blog BeachGrit, I was instead met with unexpected viciousness.

“Hey there super cool guy,” it began, getting my hopes right up before crashing them right down with, “hope you’re having good times making fun of folks from your ‘man cave’ at mom’s house. Tired of the constant snarky shit that comes out of your mouth when you’re not putting shit up your nose. Unfollowing.”

The growing trend of bashing surf journalists extends to the preeminent thinker Sam George. The man who, legitimately self-coined himself the “King of Rincon” according to a first-person account, was recently and ruthlessly dragged for instructing Tahitians how to properly pronounce their most famous wave.

Chris Cote, rising World Surf League voice, casually dropped a “no cap” in Joel Tudor’s feed and was excoriated for not using the language of a “grown adult man.”

The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, understanding the danger, declared:

From 2016 to the end of 2020, UNESCO recorded 400 killings of journalists, a nearly 20 percent decrease from the previous five-year period. The declining trend continued in 2021, with 55 journalists killed.

Yet, the global rate of impunity for killing journalists is worryingly high: nine times out of ten, the case remains unresolved. Where the number of journalist killings is high, so is impunity for these killings, creating a continued cycle of violence.

Journalist imprisonment is at record highs. Online violence and harassment spurs self-censorship and, sometimes, physical attacks. Journalists have also increasingly been attacked while covering protests, by various actors (including both security forces and protest participants).

To say nothing of mean DMs, rude castigations, unnecessary pokings.

Is Sam George the King of Rincon though?

This story 4990 brought to you by The Inertia which would like to remind you that anyone can be a surf journalist.

Father of modern day old-fashioned longboarding Joel Tudor grows irate about leash wearing at U.S. Open of Surfing!

"Wearing knee leashes in 3ft Huntington…..y’all are embarrassing us!"

There are few things in this life as trustworthy as Joel Tudor growing irate on Instagram. The father of modern day old-fashioned longboarding will weigh with damning criticism of e-bikes, soft-tops, summer crowds, kooks and inequality. He is almost always, if not always, correct and today is no difference.

Tudor took to his social media tool of choice and posted a picture of Wile E. Coyote holding a sign reading “Stop in the name of humanity” and added, “Wearing knee leashes in 3ft Huntington…..y’all are embarrassing us!”

He was, of course, referring to the U.S. Open of Longboarding, currently in the water at Huntington Beach. Many of the competitors are, indeed, wearing leg ropes in a throwback to the middle 1990s. Agreement amongst Tudor’s 187,000 followers was universal.

“No cap. Logs shouldn’t even have leash plugs,” Chris Cote declared in a rare bit of criticism leveled at his employer.

“Spreading straight facts!! we gotta get on this issue…i’m working on a post now,” Nose Dodgers Anonymous threw in.

“So funny! Dork strap,” Chris Ruddy Surfboards stated.

Surfing Colors might have agreed but took a gentler approach, penning, “Well, in a completion it makes sense no leash, but you have to remember surf is not about a sport that you do alone. Even in a competition, have more people in the ocean, some people just care about the others… Surfboards, specially longboards can be a gun like cars… Can you imagine if every surfer decide surfing without leash? Many surfers look to you as an idol, so be careful with something so important like this subject. I hope everybody who think that surf need to be practice without leash, haves the same words when they need to take someone to the hospital. Surfing is not only about to make myself happy…”

What is your take?

This story number 4989 has been brought to you by Torrey Holistics Dispensary and Weed Delivery which would like to remind you today is a good day to get high.

California surfers trade Teslas for ’69 Camaro Super Sports as new study suggests waves in state will get bigger thanks to fossil fuel industry!

Gentlemen, start your engines!

Kelly Slater is a sneaky little fella. The world’s greatest surfer has, for years, been championing the environment. His clothing brand, Outerknown, creates hats from discarded fishing nets and his turtle moon sandals are made from algae. Secretly, though, he stuffs landfills with festive cheer and sends the aforementioned turtle moons to buyers wrapped as if they were delicate faberge eggs all while flying place to place around the world, never stopping for more than two weeks, spewing dump truck loads of carbon into the atmosphere.

What could be viewed as bald-faced hypocrisy is really a gift to California surfers.

For a new study just released in the Journal of Geophysical Research: Oceans has declared that climate change is creating larger waves off the Golden State.

Nearly a century’s worth of data was analyzed with the results revealing that wave height has grown by an average of a foot since 1969.

“This is just another indication that overall average wave heights have increased significantly since 1970 — since the advent of the upward trend in global warming,” Peter Bromirski, researcher emeritus at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography and the study’s author, told National Public Radio.

Per the piece:

The new study adds to a growing body of research that suggests storm activity in the Northern Pacific Ocean — the main source of California’s winter swells — has increased as human activities have caused the world’s temperature to warm. A 2019 study by researchers at the University of California, Santa Cruz found that the energy in ocean waves has increased over most of the last century because of climate change.

One man’s treasure is another’s multi-million dollar house falling off a cliff, though, and researchers warn that while surfers will be enjoying the fruits of a warming planet, coastal infrastructure is very much at risk.

Still, if surfers are one thing, they are selfish and many are trading in Teslas and Lucids for 1969 Chevrolet Camaro Super Sports. Did you know the muscle car sporting a 6.5L V8 and 375 hp got, roughly, 6.7 miles per gallon?

Make Cardiff Reef Mavericks Again.

This story number 4988 has been brought to you by Kelly Slater’s Enforfins which would like to remind you that if your fins don’t float, they won’t be able to join the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.