Surf virgin Adrian Fernandez reimagined as Tarantino's Cliff Booth from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.
"Generations of the starry-eyed, deranged and hallucinatory have made a pilgrimage to The Golden State, pulling pipe dreams with them, only to end up cleaning pool filters, slingin’ lattes to the entitled and surgically mangled, or worst of all, obtaining a real estate license and hawking condos to the newly divorced and desperate." | Photo: Sony

Surf virgin admits “I came to the West Coast to chase a dream, like swarms of delusional folk before me” 

"I worried that this whole move-to-California-become-a-surfer thing might have been a mistake."

This surf virgin woke up in his truck bed to the sound of crashing waves and an orange glow on the windows.

I’d made it.

Last night’s sand in my boots. Ocean in front of my face. Saltwater destiny. The Pacific.

After feeding the dog breakfast and using the passenger-side door for cover while I took a piss that couldn’t wait, I loaded up and hurried out before a State Parks employee could collect a camping fee.

Driving down the coast, I watched water whiz by and felt elated, but a bit childish too, due to the realization that I couldn’t be more of a cliche in that moment if I tried.

I came to the West Coast to chase a dream, like swarms of delusional folk long before me. 

Generations of the starry-eyed, deranged and hallucinatory have made a pilgrimage to The Golden State, pulling pipe dreams with them, only to end up cleaning pool filters, slingin’ lattes to the entitled and surgically mangled, or worst of all, obtaining a real estate license and hawking condos to the newly divorced and desperate.

In my first few hours, I worried that this whole move-to-California-become-a-surfer thing might have been a mistake. Rather than salt, I smelled the distinct possibility that I’d been kidding myself, and was destined to end up selling solar panels or ferrying drunk college kids from UCSB around in an Uber.

To further heighten my creeping insecurities, most of the locals I encountered were bronzed and beautiful.

Thanks to the modern swimwear revolution, butt cheeks breathed free on both sand and sidewalk.

At Surfer’s point, dudes with hair from an early-2000s Hollister ad and cool bumper stickers on their cars changed out of wetsuits under ponchos made out of that cool beach towel material, while I’d already begun contracting a sunburn and was stomping around in boots that showed revolting signs of rot after absorbing a few winters worth of Colorado and New Mexico snow.

Near the piers, pelicans floated over the breeze. What the fuck was a surf virgin doing in a place with Finding Nemo birds? 

I felt out of place, like a freshman who had snuck into a party at a senior’s house, and was about to be discovered thrown out by the throat.

So many wiser folks had cautioned me, warning that housing was impossible on the coast, and everything expensive.

Despite their attempts at slowing my roll, when BeachGrit set an opportunity in front of my face, I packed up and sent it from the Rockies.

But now shit was real, and I, a surf virgin, was living out of a truck with a 120-pound dog– impulsive and reckless, as is my way.

Checking the internet for leads every twenty minutes, I failed to find any hope on a place to rent.

In the first surf shop I toured, wetsuits and boards were prohibitively expensive. There was a teenager at the register with much cooler tattoos than me, who watched with a mocking eye as I browsed discount flip flops and board shorts.

I tried on a Mr. Zogg’s shirt, but saw a high-alpine, UV-intolerant fraud staring back from the mirror. After hanging it back on the rack I scurried out.

Trying to get comfortable in the back of my truck with the dog at night, I frantically calculated how long I could last before my funds would be depleted by this fossil fuel averse, dollar-devouring wasteland.

It was looking more and more likely that I’d end up on the phone trying to swindle a loan out of a distant relative to get back home before I’d ever come close to sniffing a successful ride on a wave.

But then, after another desperate check of the internet, I found, then toured, a furnished, dog-friendly, reasonably priced casita.

It came complete with a vintage ‘Endless Summer’ poster on the wall. A sign!

After a handshake agreement with the landlord to move in the next day, I ripped back to my campsite to steal another fee-free night of camping, howling painfully shitty Nickelback lyrics out the window on my way.

I’d say California wind felt good blowing through my hair, but, I have none.

The next afternoon I returned to the same surf shop, bought a pair of half-off Reef flip flops and restrained myself from slapping the tatts off the smug cashier.

I then found employment making drinks at a tiki bar, met some folks at a yoga class who offered to take me to some beginner breaks once I got a board, and then BeachGrit’s very own Jen See was kind enough to take the time to provide a detailed guide of what I needed to buy, where I needed to go, and how to start getting myself comfortable with reading and being in the wet stuff.

And then, more grace from the gods of surf.

After serving him the perfect mai tai and telling my story, a seasoned local surfer offered me a used wetsuit and two different boards– all on the arm, free of charge.

I’ll be paddling out for the first time before the weekend is out.

Just like that, I went from hopeless transient to merman-in-the-making.

At Mondos, I sat in the sand and watched an older fella (who looked like he collected and sold used hub caps for a living) painfully stretch his wetsuit over a Miller High Life belly, huff and puff his way to the edge of the water, then successfully paddle out and ride.

Confidence, fully renewed.

Which is bad news for the shitgibbons and grundle butter keyboardists in the comment section.

Like it or not, pretty soon, I’m gonna be one of you.

Read Adrian’s debut story here, “I’ve never surfed before but I think I probably should!” here.

And the follow up, “A surf virgin goes to California” here.

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World Surf League Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer (left) with Guinness title holder, and WSL employee, Laura Enever.
World Surf League Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer (left) with Guinness title holder, and WSL employee, Laura Enever.

Bombshell detonates after revelation World Surf League Chief of Sport meddled in Big Wave Awards!

Duplicity!

A blast has just gone off in the generally placid surf world, shaking the ground from Australia’s Gold Coast to California’s orange one. Sending surf enthusiasts reeling. Stumbling like drunkards and gasping for air. You have, no doubt, been following the story of Laura Enever’s very recent Guinness record for the largest ever wave (paddle-in) (female).

A wonderful story, certainly, and one that should be celebrated.

Except.

The World Surf League is involved in the whole business and, as surf watchers well know, everything the World Surf League touches turns to poo.

It was World Surf League tabbed scientists that declared Enever’s wave to be 43.6 feet. All extremely impressive, save the ride out which somehow went missing. That bit was evocative of the XXL Big Wave Awards from three years ago where Brazil’s Maya Gabeira beat out France’s Justine Dupont for the coveted Ride of the Year.

She, too, won a Guinness.

Now, new revelations from that event, then owned by the World Surf League, suggest much duplicity.

World Surf League Bombshell

According to well-placed sources, the judging committee, a “veteran team” who had been judging big waves since the dawn of time, decided that Justine Dupont had won. The World Surf League Chief of Sport, then commissioner, Jessi Miley-Dyer disagreed. She brought in her team of scientists. They determined Gabeira’s wave height, and then, Miley-Dyer forced the committee to declare her winner.

Dupont, at the time, not pleased, penning, “The @wsl announced that the record for the biggest wave surfed would be awarded to a surfer who does not finish her wave. I decided to smile about it even though I am deeply hurt to be subjected to a decision that I believe is totally unfairI’m especially disappointed and ashamed of this league which claims to represent our sport.”

She went on to criticize the “report from scientists who use the word ‘approximate’ in front of each of their statements.”

She ended with, “The season is starting and I know that I can surf even bigger waves without waiting for some records from them.”

Well, three years on and Dupont just snagged an absolute bear at Cortes Bank while filming HBO’s hit series 100 Foot Wave.

It went completely unrecognized by the World Surf League.

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Laura Enever (pictured) with award. Photo: World Surf League
Laura Enever (pictured) with award. Photo: World Surf League

Charges of retaliation fly after World Surf League employee Laura Enever wins Guinness record!

"Catty, rude and morally bankrupt!"

What should be a joyous hangover, today, for the surf world is, instead, one of the rotten varietals. Stomach sick. Head not right. For not even 24-hours ago, Narabeen’s own Laura Enever was awarded the Guinness record for “largest wave surfed paddle-in (female).” The beast was snagged roughly ten months off off Oahu’s North Shore. It was officially measured by World Surf League selected scientists.

Wonderful and happy.

Except.

The questions around the complete ignoring of Justine Dupont, who had ridden a probable 75-foot monster earlier in the year, soon began to bubble. Dupont won three awards for the feat at the just-wrapped Big Wave Awards now no longer affiliated with the aforementioned “global home of surfing.”

Enever, of course, an employee.

Hammertime

Now, charges of retaliation by the World Surf League against Dupont are flying.

You will recall that the Frenchwoman was snubbed, three years ago. The XXL Big Wave Awards, then owned by the World Surf League, hosted the affair. Brazil’s Maya Gabeira was awarded the “Ride of the Year” and also gifted a Guinness record “for the largest wave surfed (unlimited)” thanks to those World Surf League selected scientists.

While the wave was very impressive, Gabeira, much like Laura Enever, did not ride away cleanly.

Or at all.

Dupont took to Instagram at the time to declare, “The @wsl announced that the record for the biggest wave surfed would be awarded to a surfer who does not finish her wave. I decided to smile about it even though I am deeply hurt to be subjected to a decision that I believe is totally unfairI’m especially disappointed and ashamed of this league which claims to represent our sport.”

Boom.

Would the World Surf League be so catty and rude? So institutionally fraudulent, as to do Dupont dirty, again, for speaking out back then?

More as the story develops.

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Kelly Slater wavepool in Abu Dhabi compared to Lemoore prototype.
The magic W-shaped bathymetry at Kelly Slater wave pool in Abu Dhabi. | Photo: gil olson

Online sleuth reveals game-changing difference between Kelly Slater wave pool in Abu Dhabi and Lemoore prototype!

"I could see a scenario where we may see up to 20X more surfers catching waves with the same amount of energy compared to Lemoore."

The Kelly Slater wave pool in Abu Dhabi has attracted much fanfare over the past three days, tears from the progressives, excitement from surfers who’d die for a little slice of that warm-water Persian Gulf magic.

Strider Wasilewski, whose protuberant nipples has made him a surfing pinup, described the joy of surfing the perfect Kelly Slater wave blooming from the desert sands.

“The transitions and contour of the wave lend to your attack on it and the toob… The toob sections don’t chase you down, they lift you up and carry you forward. You can play on the foam ball of the toob and your heart races while it happens.”

Strider Wasilewski at Kelly Slater wavepool in Abu Dhabi.
Strider “Attack Dog Tits” Wasilewski revels in Persian Gulf perfection.

A common refrain among surf fans, however, was disappointment that the Kelly Slater wave didn’t appear any different to the prototype in Lemoore, California.

Oh, but they are so wrong.

An online sleuth from New Jersey, Gil Olson, has put paid to that notion with an extensive comparison of the two tanks using Google Maps and published on LinkedIn in July.

And the difference between the two Kelly Slater pools?

Well, first, it’s almost twice as wide (450 feet compared to 250), although the foil mechanism, which pushes the water to make the wave, is roughly the same.

The groundbreaking diff is the bathymetry of the two Kelly Slater pools.

Writes Olson,

The most noticeable upgrade (from satellite images, at least) is the “W” shaped features in the lagoon.No sane person knocks the quality of the waves at The Surf Ranch. The “achilles heel” for KSWC’s technology system has been the rate of wave generation.

In Lemoore, the system generates a 1-minute wave after ~4 minutes of settling, or about 12-13 foil runs (full pool length waves) per hour. It looks to me like The Oasis will significantly improve these metrics through innovative engineering that produces secondary, and possibly even tertiary, rideable waves on the “W” Reef Formation.

At The Oasis, it looks like the primary wave will traverse the entire length of the pool and break before the excess energy reforms on the “W” shaped reef. The three arms of the “W” could produce waves of different intensities and heights, accommodating surfers of varying skill levels. I could see a scenario where we may see up to 20X more surfers catching waves with the same amount of energy compared to the Lemoore Ranch.

Decoding the ‘W’
The most obvious feature of The Oasis, even from satellite images, is the “W” shaped structure in the lagoon. In Lemoore, a single, minute-long primary wave is produced every four minutes. I’m betting on a dramatic improvement to ridable wave count, thanks to some ingenious engineering.
Maximizing Wave Count with better Energy Utilization

Dr. Fincham and friends have seemingly devised a method to harness residual energy, creating secondary, and potentially even tertiary, rideable waves along the “W” Reef Formation. This suggests more surfable waves per foil pull (ie. the same energy expense) and a faster wave frequency. My prediction? The turnaround time could drop to about 2 minutes, possibly even less.

How?

The new design seems to suggest a more efficient use of energy. It appears the primary wave (“1” in Fig. 2) will traverse the pool’s length, and then lots of that excess energy reforms on the “W” shaped reef to create more ridable waves on each foil run.

Very clever, yes?

Click here for the full reveal!

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Kelly Slater and sheiks in Abu Dhabi.
Kelly Slater and happy sheiks and, at left, his eponymous pool blooms from the desert!

Kelly Slater brings cavalcade of world champion surfers to controversial Abu Dhabi wave pool!

"There was room for error on the wave yet it still had power and a heavy barrel," writes Strider Wasilewski.

The world’s greatest athlete and, rapidly, one its most opportunistic businessmen, Kelly Slater, has brought a cavalcade of surfing champions to his eponymous wave pool in the Persian Gulf.

Two days ago, Kelly Slater drew back the curtain on the luscious bluewater wave, only the second of its kind ever, on the new gussied-up version of Hudayriyat Island in Abu Dhabi. 

Yesterday, the small-wave wizard Filipe Toledo, no lover of Teahupoo it’s true but the greatest ever in waves that ascend to the waist but not beyond, showed his “adult” and “barbaric turns” at the tank.

And, today, it can be revealed, he wasn’t the only surfing superstar to be invited to its unveiling.

The procession of stars included WSL in-water commentator Strider Wasilewski, noted for “attack dog tits”, three-time world champion Gabriel Medina, eight-time world champion Stephanie Gilmore, Caroline Marks, Jeremy Flores, “Human Viagra” Raimana Van Bastolaer, iconic filmmaker Taylor Steele, along with Kelly Slater’s former personal assistant Stephen “Belly” Bell. 

Strider Wasilewski at Kelly Slater wavepool in Abu Dhabi.
Strider “Attack Dog Tits” Wasilewski revels in Persian Gulf perfection.

Wasilewski’s take on the Kelly Slater pool is instructive.

“There was room for error on the wave yet it still had power and a heavy barrel,” writes Strider. “The transitions and contour of the wave lend to your attack on it and the toob… The toob sections don’t chase you down, they lift you up and carry you forward. You can play on the foam ball of the toob and your heart races while it happens. Who knew, what’s next, WTF!”

The popular commentator drew myriad comments from fans including the once-Democratic hopeful and surfer Tulsi Gabbard.

“And the left,” wrote Gabbard, leaving a love heart emoji.

“A world class wave in the UAE! Thank you for making us feel incredibly welcome and congratulations for bringing the project to life!” wrote Stephanie Gilmore.

Stephanie Gilmore at Kelly Slater wave pool in Abu Dhabi.
The most enticing photograph I’ve ever seen of a wave. Ain’t it wild it’s man-made and in the Persian Gulf.

It’s been almost a decade since Slater unveiled his man-made miracle to the world in the American winer of 2015, and the day after the Brazilian surfer, Adriano De Souza, with whom he’d engaged with in a long-running blood feud had just won the world title. 

The tank is part of a 51 million square metre development of the island that’ll add fifty-three clicks of coastline to the city, with attractions including a velodrome with a roof-top track, 220km of bike trails, a giant urban park, high-end residential communities built on two different hills affording 360-degree views of this paradise on the Persian Gulf.

Controversy has dogged the pool, however, with surfers swarming various Instagram pages. The argument, if it can be called such, is the Kelly Slater pool represents a cruel absurdity, with some even linking it to Gaza’s invasion of Israel.

(The UAE ain’t afraid to loose the hounds on its brother Muslims: “The military coalition led by Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates in Yemen has killed thousands of civilians in airstrikes, tortured detainees, raped civilians and used child soldiers as young as 8,” reports the NY Times.)

A popular refrain,

I guess building pools is his gig now. This is not going to end well for his career. All of that hard work and building his reputation to throw it out for a stupid pool where Women, Gays, and the Lower class people are treated with 1400’s year old le laws. Nice going Kelly. This time you out did yourself.

Gotta love it when that Middle Eastern money spigot pours in your direction and far away from the stupid environmental regulations of Australia and USA, Queensland, Coachella and Florida, all promised superb versions of the pool but were scuttled by pressure from community groups.

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