"Stab has lost its og raw vibe."

Like her or love her, it is impossible to characterize Kauai’s Bethany Hamilton as anything but the toughest surfer who ever paddled the high seas. Her story is, of course, the stuff of legend. Up an coming star, thirteen years old and going for a surf at Tunnels, a tiger shark stole her arm. Now, most would have curled up and called it a day, but Hamilton fought back, hopping back into the brine and dropping jaws with an unmatched style, an elan, absolutely impossible to ignore.

A miracle.

And so, of course, when she speaks, we listen and she has just spoken, dropping an absolute hammer on the premium surf blog Stab Magazine. Stab has certainly had a dramatic shift over the years, transitioning from a devil-may-care rebel yell that once printed a comic of Kelly Slater deemed so offensive that Quiksilver pulled years’ worth of ads into a monument to institutional hurt feelings.

Thin skinned, paternal, passive-aggressive.

Much sense, then, when Hamilton took to Stab’s own Instagram to declare, “Stab has lost its og raw vibe. So soft. Who’s running it now?”

The statement and question appearing underneath a slide directing to a premium story titled “The world’s most overrated waves for mere mortals.”

While some Stab fanbois defended the paywalled website, calling her a “boomer” and cheap etc. many agreed with the mother of four.

“Bethany Hamilton wants more sex, drugs and rock and roll,” one opined. “Liberals that live in constant fear,” another suggested as to the question “who’s running it now?”

“Soy boys” a third simply penned.

“LadyBOYS transgenders,” a fourth clarified.

Etc.

Do you have thoughts on the matter?

Team Beth or Team Sam?

More as the story develops.

"We have identified a glitch in the Matrix!

Now, I do not play the fantasy surfer game but not out of spite or malice. No, I am simply too stupid to understand the rules. Surfvival League takes as much brain power as I can muster though I do understand that people play fantasy surfer and also like fantasy surfer.

The World Surf League accommodates, as I hear much talk about which “power surfer” to pick etc. from the booth, though this year, and in line with a burgeoning sadism, issued wildly different point totals across platforms thus throwing the whole works into chaos.

Taking to Instagram, the Froth Pro Tour commissioner declared, “I know you are all eager to know your final results from the FrothProTour season but we have identified a glitch in the Matrix! 4 it was brought to my attention that there were irregularities in the scores posted on the WSL fantasy surfing app. Upon a deep dive into the scores there are points variances in the WSL Finals Overall Leaderboard and the individual Finals Event point totals. In partnership with FrothProTour member Surfvival League we have gone directly to the WSL looking for answers.”

An exhibit was provided.

And though I wasn’t quick enough to screen grab another, it must be assumed that ulu_bear_surf_check has a different points total somewhere else.

Dirty dirty business.

Now, do you think the World Surf League takes pleasure in actively hurting its most passionate fans or do you think there’s also a masochistic flavor, the WSL enjoying the pain it gets from actively hurting its most passionate fans?

A sadomasochistic tango makes much sense when thought about.

Are you excited for the Abu Dhabi Pro?

Me too.

The Froth Pro Tour commish is, in any case, still waiting to hear back from the World Surf League Fantasy Desk but you will be updated as soon as any clarity is provided.

Shokran for your patience.

"Congrats, buddy!"

Kelly Slater won professional surfing’s greatest reward 11 times during a sparkling career that is still not, officially, over. His competitive prowess, heat knowledge, ability to conjure waves from the deep, sixth sense of how to mentally torment opponents are all the stuff of legend. He is considered by many to be the greatest professional surfer of all time. By some to be the greatest professional athlete of all time. And yet, the Boy from Cocoa Beach has an even greater skill than surfing professionally.

Throwing .

Slater’s double-edged venerations, his subtle references, or omissions, false retirement announcements, wave pool revels. etc. are so well-timed, so…. deliciously barbed as to be impossible to reproduce.

Yes, he is the 58-time Shade Master (because he’s 58-years-old), and just delivered newly-minted professional surf champion John John Florence one of his finest, most painfully stinging backhanded compliments.

Taking to Instagram, the father of a son with no name declared, “Huge congrats to John John Florence on his 3rd world title. Probably should have been his 4th or 5th but injuries have halted som behemoth performances a few years. Congrats, buddy!”

Don’t even try to compete under the pop up tent with Slater. His shade is so refined, so devastating yet buoyant as to be considered a martial art. The recipient of a Kelly Slater “compliment” left smiling and weeping at the same time.

Wow.

Ending with “buddy?”

Just wow.