"I look over and he's whipped his penis out and he's driving me along to the beach masturbating alongside a kid in a school uniform.”
The 1988 world champion of surfing, Barton Lynch, more known in recent epochs for his oratorical gymkhanas on WSL broadcasts and for a brief and misunderstood exploration of Marxism, has revealed a wild story of hitching a ride to the beach with a pedophile when he was a kid.
The almost sixty two year old, which places the story sometime in the mid-seventies, back when hitchers mysteriously vanished every other day, tells the story on his Stoked Bloke podcast, which he shares with influential surf personality and Kelly Slater bandmate Peter King.
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Without any unnecessary gilding of the lily, as they say, Barton says the man jerked out his wand while driving and throttled the hell out of it while little BL watched
He explains,
“I’ve been there an hour-and-a-half on the side of the road. Three buses, they go every half-hour. And the car pulls up. I jump in, Manly please, and we’re driving along and the next thing you know I see out of my periphery, I can see this sort of uncomfortable movement.
“And I look over and he’s whipped his penis out and he’s driving me along to the beach masturbating alongside a kid in a school uniform.”
Here, Barton Lynch departs, briefly, from his Stoked Bloke persona.
“That filthy fucker, excuse my French, oh my god that’s the reality mate. I’ve had some extremely radical stories in my life.”
Comments revealed he ain’t the only kid to get haunted by what used to be called pedophiles but which now has been helpfully renamed MAPs or Minor Attracted Persons, the Canadian brain scientist James Cantor suggesting the letter P added to LGBTQ2S+.
“These people are saddled with a sexual orientation that they can’t express in any way, and Lord knows there is nothing more powerful than a man’s sex drive.” Pedophiles, he says, experience desire, affection, and heartbreak as strongly as anybody else. “It is a deep, dark, long-lasting ache, and they can’t tell a soul.”
Also, while we’re on the subject, Azalia Banks just dropped, and then deleted, this wild tweet.
Australia is well known as a land of creepy crawlies. Of all sizes shapes and forms.
Pffffff. The hot chicks in year 9 were fucking 20 something miscreants with Peter Jacksons on their shoulder and driving fat arse Fords and Chryslers like forever. One must draw a line howevs and on the other side of the line are blokes over 22 (ish? depending on the size of the gene pool in your small town) and blokes who have more processing power than a Vic 20. Yep, it still burns that I had no answer to a burnt orange Charger.
Farrk off BL your times done.
I hitched a lot in the 80s, every ride was a suss cunt.
You Should really get some therapy for that
You may expand on your trauma, if you wish.
Have a read of this wild ol story! https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2021/07/26/the-german-experiment-that-placed-foster-children-with-pedophiles
Jesus what a bunch of sick fucks. How’d you find that article?!?
Derek if you hunt down the right surfer magazine circa 87 (?) you might find the article where Barton lists homosexuals as his enemies. Got some blowback in the letters a few issues later, though it’s hard to disagree with him given this update.
Did Hawky tell you about the time he called Barton to congratulate him on the 88 world title and he replied “I always was a Liberal voter”??
He didn’t, but did speak very fondly of Thomas Carroll. Intro’d him to Nelson M.
“Manly please”.
“ Ya want Manly do Ya? I’ll show ya Manly ya cheeky lil Grommet”.
Quite a lot to unpack here, as they say.
Who the fuck is Azealia Banks? And why is she okay with adults fucking kids? Gross.
She is a “rapper” apparently.
Oh she’s gold on Twitter.l
A lot to unpack in that tweet.
Ah. Should’ve really have read the other comments before adding!
Do you plagerize in your novel as well?
Imagine having any conversation with Peter King, let alone about pedophilia?
Are you implying he;s a pedophile? He’s a smart and funny guy, might have different opinions but oh well, what a brazen comment
I’m sure his fawning references to Trump would become extremely annoying –
Please don’t be so ignorant by just calling him “Peter King”. His correct name is “Kelly Slaters Bandmate Peter King”.
PK is a rad Dude. His new movie is sick too.
The Stroked Bloke…
Aw fuck ! There goes breakfast
Laughter or vomit?
Bit of both !
Without any unnecessary gilding of the lily, as they say, Barton says the man jerked out his wand while driving and throttled the hell out of it while little BL watched (sic).
But he did watch, wtf?
You’ve squeezed a lot out of that lemon Dez.
Quick ride to Manly.
Really clever
…but you missed a link to Connor Lyons, lift your game, Dekka.
Oh dang, head in the clouds as I search madly online for a five-ten Bobby Quad as my rehab board.