“For the design of the sandal, Kelly was particularly moved by the mysterious and special relationship between the moon and sea turtle."

Fans, around the world, broke into sobs, yesterday, with the realization that the greatest professional surfer of all-time has, almost certainly, won his last heat. Yes, Kelly Slater will come up against Jack Robinson, whenever J-Bay turns back on, and likely lose. He will then travel to Teahupo’o, a wave he loves very much, but be sitting at the bottom of the draw and lose again. He will not be invited to Lower Trestles, even though the World Surf League loves giving him sneaky wildcards and that will be that.

This morning, though, eyes were dried when the aforementioned fans understood that Slater will continue to dominate, just in other fields.

Let us take design. A “creativity and innovation expert” just posted some life coaching on social media wherein he declared, “This one thing I learned in design school forever changed how I think. I had a course where a professor made us sketch 300 concepts every night. As we hung up our sketches for critique each day, a few things immediately stood out. First, the entire class had similar ideas for the first third of our sketches. Only after that did the interesting ideas start emerging. Second, no matter how amazing you are, your initial ideas are generic and crap.”

He goes on discussing the “flow state” and how to make interesting ideas emerge clearly without realizing that the 11x World Champion had designed a moon sandal inspired by turtles as the very first thing that popped into his head.

Per the press release:

“The first item to hit the market is the sandal, influenced by Slater’s renowned surfing career. Inspired by the relationship between the moon and the ocean, the sandal is made using recycled material, uses BLOOM technology (derived from algae), and provides a high level of cushioning, durability, responsiveness and water resistance.

“For the design of the sandal, Kelly was particularly moved by the mysterious and special relationship between the moon and sea turtle. Turtles have 13 large scales that represent the 13 lunar cycles in each year and 28 smaller scales that represent the days in each cycle. As a tribute to these coexisting forces, Kelly designed the top of the sandal to mirror the moon’s surface while the bottom sole represents the turtle’s scales. Additional styles and sizing are set to release later this year.”

Genius don’t have similar ideas.

Genius likes turtles.

The most ancient of blood feuds.

The collected works of Sarah H. Brady, surf instructor, environmental advocate, law student and spurned ex-girlfriend of Jonah Hill will, someday, be gathered together, bound and deposited into the research library of a prestigious institute of higher learning. All the private text messages made public. Each silo’d pat on the back. And then, scholars and professors, alike, will be able to sift through the thousands upon thousands of words, images, memes and uncover a clear snapshot of the collapse of humanity.

A question will haunt their work, though.

Why?

Why, after months upon months of the breakup did Brady publicly execute the man she once claimed to love?

She, of course, has given many conflicting reasons. That she wants Kauai locals to burn him at Andy Iron’s favorite waves, that his turn as an advocate for mental health was off-putting, that she wanted to empower others who have been ruthlessly abused by maybe oversensitive exes.

The truth, though, lies in a subtle text included in one of Brady’s Instagram stories from four or five days ago. It was lost, of course, in a sandwich of salaciousness and so social detectives disregarded it, initially, but a studious surf journalist, leaving no stone unturned, has picked it like a gleaming needle from a haystack.

A conversation between Brady and a friend.

“Oof been there… why do we dim our selves for mid men???”

And there we have it.

Hill, as you know, began his surf journey on long and comfortable soft tops. He then evolved into long foam and fiberglass surfboards before continuing his journey to the popular mid-length.

Brady, though, is a longboard purist only riding boards 9 feet and longer.

Hill’s exploration, which will clearly end with a high-performance thruster, clearly infuriated Brady and was, likely, smoldering all this time before exploding.

The eternal battle between long and short.

A rubicon that shall never be crossed.