Yang Siqi with ISA President Fernando Aguerre
Siqi Yang with ISA President Fernando Aguerre

Teen Chinese wrestler who can hold breath for three minutes “a surfer to watch” at Paris 2024 Teahupoo!

But no fairytale ending for reigning gold medallist Carissa Moore!

Hello, Hi, I am here with your preview of the women’s Olympic surfing competition. The waiting period starts on Saturday, July 27, which is coming right up.

Already, the surfers are in Tahiti doing important getting ready for the Olympics stuff like modeling their fabulous team outfits, hugging the Olympic mascot, and here and there, doing some actual surfing.

 

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In the coming week, each national team receives a block of time to practice in the water. I’m not sure how the schedule was determined, actually.

While there are obvious reasons to fear mishaps from the less experienced surfers in the field, all of them have spent at least some time in the past year at the Place of the Broken Skulls. I am going to type that so many times in the coming weeks. Consider yourself warned.

The Forecast

The waiting period runs ten days until August 5, and it will take four days to run the full contest. There’s been some talk of a two-day swell of gigantic scaries, but currently it looks like wind will spoil that beautiful dream.

I’d expect that they would not run the early rounds of women in bigger waves, but I’ve been wrong before. So many times!

Clips from practice sessions I’ve seen have shown barrels in the shoulder to head-high range. I have also seen some turns and a nice turn to barrel combo from Carissa. I am totally here for all forecast rumors and innuendo — as well as any speculation on when this thing will actually take place.

I have heard some talk of an opening round as early as Saturday. But you know how these things go.

Fun-sized Teahupo’o opens the way for some potential surprise outcomes and may lead to disappointment for the specialists. It’s a more open contest, I suppose, though it may provide less of the kind of straight up surfer versus nature drama we love.

If you’re dreaming of scary ass, heaving Teahupo’o, I think you’re going to be disappointed. Sorry! I didn’t do it! It’s not my fault!

How the Olympic surfing format works

Have you ever watched a surf contest? Yes? Good, then you understand how the Olympic surfing competition works. It’s a surf contest. Phew.

There are 24 women in the draw, and the contest opens with eight, three-woman heats. The seeding is based on results from the 2024 ISA World Championship event, which is how we ended up with that bananas Tati-Molly-Caity heat. The winner of the opening heat advances directly to round three. So easy.

The second- and third-place women head to round 2. A key detail: Surfers are re-seeded based on their result in round 1, and their pre-event seeding. I do not know the exact calculations involved here, but presumably that means that the Tati-Molly-Caity situation won’t persist beyond round 1.

The winner of round 3 advances to the quarterfinals. There’s no more reseeding at this point and losers go home. Unlike a CT event, there are two final heats. The first final determines the bronze medalist, the second decides gold and silver.

We got this! We’re going to watch the Olympics and understand the whole thing. It’s going to be so amazing.

How to Watch Olympic Surfing in the U.S.

If you would like to use a television to watch the Olympics, you will need NBC. Peacock will stream an assortment of programming including live events. A Hulu account will also get you live coverage.

According to the Google, Australians are watching the Olympics on the Nine Network, which also offers streaming. If this is wrong, please feel free to tell me I’m stupid in the comments section. You could also explain how actually to watch the Olympics in Australia.

I’m just over here trying to help, ya know?

Women to Watch at the Surfing Olympics

Let’s dispense straight away with the idea that there is anyone in the draw who hasn’t been to Teahupo’o. Thanks to an ISA spring training camp, each surfer has been to the Skulls at least once. A casual perusal of the Instagram says that many of the women in the draw have been to Teahupo’o multiple times and have also surfed the North Shore.

It’s a whole new world! Lots of girls can barrel now! This makes me happy.

Let’s look at some heats.

Heat 1
Caroline Marks opens the whole shebang in heat one against Portugal’s Yolanda Hopkins and South Africa’s Sarah Baum. On paper, the 2023 world champ is the favorite to advance here. She’s a goofyfoot who won the Tahiti Pro last year.

But, there’s some fine print. The final heat in 2023 that Caro won took place in marginal, windy Teahupo’o. This year, she’s shown limited interest — or really, no interest at all — in hucking it over the ledge on bigger days at either Pipe or Teahupo’o. With the forecast the way it is, Caroline should be fine, but I think she’s more vulnerable that her results might suggest. If this were Trestles, I’d have no problem calling her the favorite. At the Skulls? Not necessarily.

A regular foot from Portugal, Yolanda, 26, is the kind of surfer who could upend expectations at this Olympics. She likes the barrel and has a couple of good clips in legit Tahiti. Instagram clips don’t win heats, of course. And there’s a lot to be said for the experience the women on the CT bring to the actual business of competing. Can Yolanda out-surf someone like Caity or Molly? Maybe not. But she clearly charges and I’m interested to see what she can do.

Another goofyfoot, 30, Sarah has a clip of a beautiful Indo left that made me dizzy. She came close to qualifying for the CT at age 17. After a string of near-misses, she quit competing until 2019. Sarah’s been rattling around the Challenger Series in recent seasons, but hasn’t made it to the big show.

Heat 2

Local girl and Olympic favorite Vahine Fierro headlines heat 2. In smaller waves, her locals advantage may prove less pronounced, but Vahine has beautiful style and knows Teahupo’o better than anyone in the draw. She won the recent Shiseido Pro in firing waves against a hard-charging, ten-point scoring — but not the first! — Tati West. At times her heat strategy has let Vahine down in the past, but she seems to be coming into her own now. She’ll be hard to beat.

A regular foot from Peru, Sol Aguirre, 21, is no stranger to left barrels. The pinned post on her Instagram is a frickin’ cavern of a wave at Teahupo’o. She goes from deep, grabs the rail, and rides it out. What I’m saying is, this girl is good. Her heat surfing is less advanced than her barrel riding, honestly. Her most notable result is probs her quarterfinal finish at the WSL Junior World Championship in 2023, where Sawyer Lindblad beat her. I doubt she beats Vahine, but she’s not an easy draw.

At 19, Janire Gonzalez Etxabarri is less experienced at this whole contest game than some of her competitors. She’s a goofyfoot whose most recent result is a ninth at the Challenger Series event at Ballito. How does she barrel? Honestly, I’m not sure. European fans, help us out here!

Heat 3
Of the non-CT surfers, Canada’s Sanoa Dempfle-Olin, 19, tops my list to play the spoiler. A goofyfoot, Sanoa is legit from Canada — iykyk — and surfs around the nooks and crannies of B.C. That area ain’t exactly for the faint of heart. Orcas. They have orcas there. Also, some solid fucking barrels. Canada girl charges. Earlier this spring, Sanoa surfed Teahupo’o with a Red Bull training camp. Clips look good. Can she barrel? Signs point to yes.

Tyler Wright is the on-paper favorite in this heat, and she’s steadily improved her backhand barrel riding over the past few seasons. She brings the experience that winning world titles and competing at the top level builds and that’s certainly an advantage. She sat out Brazil, so she’s had time to prepare. There’s good Tyler and evil Tyler — and if good Tyler shows up, she could medal. Otherwise, no barrel.

Israeli surfer Anat Lelior, 24, competed in the 2020 Tokyo Games, so she’s no stranger to Olympic-level competition. She finished 17th at Chiba, and has competed on the QS for the past few years. A goofyfoot, Anat got her first legit barrel at Teahupo’o this past spring. She’s since made a couple of trips to get acquainted with the joint. A true wildcard in my book, honestly.

Heat 4

Ah, yes, the crazy round. Truly, this has to be the wildest seeding we’ve seen lately in a surfing contest. Caity Simmers, Tati West, and Molly Picklum: They’re all here! Anyone of these three women could win the whole damn thing. If I have to pick, I’m taking Caity. But really, all three have done awesome things lately in left barrels. Tati? She scored a ten at the recent Tahiti Pro. Molly? She scored a ten at Pipe. Caity? She’s world number one and won Pipe this past January. For the fucking girls. Flip a coin, all three of these women can win.

Heat 5

Brisa Hennessy and Johanne Defay meet in this one. Brisa has significantly improved her left barrels in recent seasons and it was a surprise to see her make the final at this year’s CT event in Tahiti. Brisa’s also currently ranked third in the world, which I did not see coming. All of which is to say that she’s on a solid run and there’s no reason to think it will end with the Olympics.

Johanne lost some time early in 2022 to injury and it took her some time to get back up to speed. This year she’s won Portugal and finished second to Caity at Bells. She made quarters at Pipe, but went out early in Tahiti to Tyler. Johanne is a strong competitor, so I’m reluctant to write her off. But she has yet to shine at Tahiti, and I think she’ll struggle to make it past quarters.

The first time Candelaria Resano, 19, went to Teahupo’o, she broke her nose. You might be thinking, well, what is she doing in the Olympics? It turns out Candelaria — or “Cande” — is the daughter of a respected big-wave surfer in Nicaragua. She has surfed Mavs, Waimea, and done step-offs at some gnarly-looking offshore reef in Nicaragua. She finished 3rd in the ISA world junior championship in December 2023, and received the universality slot for the Games. She has a tough draw against two CT girls, but she has some legit heavy water creds.

Heat 6

Tainà Hinckel, Camilla Kemp, and Luana Silva. This heat is the evil twin to the Caity-Molly-Tati heat. Even understanding the seeding, I’m here to say, the seeding is wack. Anywho. Tainà is 21 and from Brazil, Camilia is the first ever German woman to qualify for Olympic surfing, and Luana is on the CT. There’s not a ton of experience in this heat, though they’ve all gotten at least one wave each at Tahiti. Surprises are always possible, of course! That’s why we do the sports.

Heat 7

Safi Vette. Nadia Erostarbe. Siqi Yang. I will go ahead and confess that I do not know any of these surfers. And I call myself an expert! Actually, I do not. Fortunately, the internet can help me and all of us get smarter.

A regular foot from New Zealand, Safi, 22, is currently competing on the Challenger Series for the first time. She’s well down in the rankings at the moment, but hello, she does have clips from Teahupo’o. Can she barrel? Yes! She can barrel. In fact, she has a nice style on her backhand. She also wacked the hell out of it on a smaller day. Wildcard.

From the Basque Country, Nadia Erostarbe, 24, has some solid results on the QS and is surfing the Challenger Series for the first time this year. So far, she’s made two quarters and a semi. In June, she towed Teahupo’o and rode out of a deep one. She’s a goofyfoot and a vegan. That’s all I got.

The youngest woman in the draw, Siqi is 15 and comes from rural China. She tried wrestling and sailing before becoming a surfer. She’s a regular foot with decent turns. and she’s trained to hold her breath for three minutes. Clips are sparse, and I do not know if she barrels.

Heat 8

Gold medalist Carissa Moore is the big name in the final heat of round 1. There are no fairy tale endings in sports, and to her credit, I don’t think Carissa is looking for one here. Tahiti is not her favorite wave and while she’s put significant time into improving her backside barrel surfing, she still struggles with her nerves.

Riss doesn’t love size, though she has certainly gone on some good ones at Pipe. Head-high Teahupo’o? I think she’ll be fine and could potentially contend for a medal. If she doesn’t, though, I don’t think she’ll be crying. Riss knows what she’s accomplished in her career and should be proud of it.

From Portugal, Teresa Bonvalot, 24, competed in Tokyo and is a perennial on the challenger series. She’s competed as a wildcard on occasion on the CT, too. A goofyfoot, she’s done two training camps in Tahiti to prepare for the Olympics and she can barrel. In fact, her free surfing clips suggest she’s a bit of a charger. Even with a frontside advantage, I think she’ll struggle to beat Riss in this one.

Japan’s Shino Matsuda, 21, qualified, then unqualified for the Tokyo Olympics. That must have been rough, and suggests the need for a more singular path to the Olympics than the spaghetti bowl we have now. A goofyfoot, she looks poised and smooth in the barrel, and is a potential spoiler to the CT girls party.

We made it! Alright girls, show me your barrels!

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The other Irukandjis. Photo: Instagram
The other Irukandjis. Photo: Instagram

US Olympic surf team lambasted as traitors for exclusively utilizing Australian coaches ahead of Teahupo’o Games

"The only sport I remember seeing this was gymnastics with that Russian coach."

And thus the Games begin. Our surfers are now, officially, in Tahiti and the joy of anticipation, of brotherhood, of Olympic fervor has instantly devolved for the United States surf team in what must be considered a blunder of historic proportions. As is the rule in our Sport of Kings, communication is generally non-existent. Decisions are made and implemented with zero nod to transparency, explanation or care for The People™ and their feelings on matters.

As such, the aforementioned grouping of John John Florence, Carissa Moore, Griffin Colapinto, Caitlin Simmers and such will be guided, almost exclusively, by Australian coaches.

Shane Dorian was introduced, weeks ago, as captain, somehow replacing Brett Simpson but, apparently, the powers that be decided those flying the green and gold should be responsible for the red, white and blue.

Rage over the move bubbling through the social medias.

Australian hero, and apparent coach, Luke Egan shared his “Team USA” post, replete with flag, to Instagram teeing off the meltdown.

Florence, notably, opting out of the pictoral.

“USA team with Aussie coaches unethical what wrong with Shane Dorian, Tom Curren, or the goat as you call him,” one punter wondered.

“The very reason surfing has sold out so disappointing anything for a dollar, I will never understand greed in such a great sport of surfing ever, congratulations your decision to take a position has turned a nation against you, hopefully other would be so called coaches take notice, pride and passion before coin disgraceful behaviour, it will take a long long time to be forgiven if ever,” another posited.

“So the USA can’t get their own coaches? 😂team AUS-USA,” a third pointed out and on and on it goes.

An extremely well-respected professional close to the levers of power asked, directly to BeachGrit’s royal me, “Why would you give the other teams fuel to run off of….like look they need people from my country or another country to beat me. I did notice JJ wasn’t wanting pics with the Aussies. In Japan Olympics we didn’t have coaches from other countries. The only sport I remember seeing this was gymnastics with that Russian coach.”

The mess, like Adidas’ fumble, is now very public.

Thoughts?

Prayers?

More, in either case, as the story develops.

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Crew on the Aranui 5 (left) will have much to listen to. Not British diver Tom Daley (right).
Crew on the Aranui 5 (left) will have much to listen to. Not British diver Tom Daley (right).

Olympic surfers tout their “love boat” after athletes arriving to Paris claim beds in village “anti-sex”

Steamy nights ahead.

The 2024 Olympic Games is now, officially, but hours away and, yet, the war between those competing in Paris and those competing 10,000 a miles away in Teahupo’o is already heating up. The early victories went to Paris with one intrepid surf journalist on the ground describing the culinary delights awaiting those bound for the City of Lights. Foie gras, steak frites with pepper sauce, croissants and duck as many ways as can be imagined. One, and only one, dish is served at the End of the Road and it is poisson cru and it is served three meals a day and for snack.

And yet, might our surfers have just one an important battle of their own?

Athletes are just beginning to arrive at Paris’ Olympic Village situated in an outer suburb. Now, I traveled to a nearby outer suburb, Nanterre, for two straight weeks and must admit that the pheromones from the City of Love don’t really waft beyond the arrondissement. And, according to British diver Tom Daley, they may not need too as he described the thin bed as “anti-sex” in a TikTok demonstration.

Irish gymnast Rhys McClenaghan recorded himself flipping etc. on the bed to test the theory and found it just fine, declaring his English counterpart was spreading “fake news” but those two countries’ centuries long “troubles” make any information suspect.

On and on, anyhow, the debate went whilst surfers, halfway across the world, smugly spooned down yet another helping of poisson cru whilst lounging on their “love boat.” As you know, the surfers and Colin Jost will be staying on a reconstituted cargo ship as a “floating hotel.” And as anyone who has ever watched a television series about “life aboard” knows, “a little night music” is the most common tune of all.

The Aranui 5 will surely be a’ rockin’ but which of our surfers will be involved?

Steamy nights ahead.

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Port Macquarie Great White attack.
Pull up to any beach on the six-hundred clicks stretch, whether it’s Tuncurry, Crescent Head, Crowdy Head, Wooli, Port Macquarie, Coffs Harbour, Byron Bay, Ballina or Kingscliff, and you’ll be in waters bloodied by known killer Great White sharks. 

Aussie surfer airlifted to hospital after attack by 10-foot Great White; all surrounding beaches closed

Off-duty cops finds catastrophically injured surfer on beach as Port Macquarie confirms its reputation as a Great White hotspot.

To call the stretch of coast from Forster in the south to Byron Bay five hours north a Great White Superhighway is to employ the most fantastic powers of understatement. 

Pull up to any beach on the six-hundred clicks stretch, whether it’s Tuncurry, Crescent Head, Crowdy Head, Wooli, Port Macquarie, Coffs Harbour, Byron Bay, Ballina or Kingscliff, and you’ll be in waters bloodied by known killer Great White sharks. 

And, earlier today, while our own Surfads was tearing hell out of a little stretch of coast in Port Macquarie, a twenty-three-year-old surfer was being airlifted to hospital after a suspected Great White attac at nearby North Shore beach, a remote joint only accessible by ferry.

An off-duty cop found the catastrophically injured surfer and used a dog lead as a tourniquet on the man’s leg wound. 

“Same thing as always, too,” says Surfads. “Mid-morning, crystal clear water. Certainly hits close to home. Hope the young fella is ok.”

In 2020, surfer Chantelle Doyle was dragged out of a Great White’s mouth by her husband, who belted the fish until it let go. 

And, last year, Toby Begg was hit by a Great White at Lighthouse Beach in Port Macquarie. 

Beggs became one of the few human beings on earth who can say they survived multiple bites from a Great White shark.

He was dragged so far underwater it went dark and he thought he was going to drown. He was only able to swim for the surface after his foot ripped off at the ankle.

Back on the surface, the Great White hit him again, Toby Begg scrunching into a ball, which would save his life, but causing his leg to take most of the impact.

“Then he was on the surface punching it in the head for ages,” a BeachGrit source close to Beggs said. “Both his hands were balloons from hitting it. After 30 seconds it let go and he started paddling in. It’d severed the femoral artery in his leg and the only thing that saved him was there was a doctor and emergency room nurse walking on the beach (separately who didn’t know each other). His foot is gone and they’re saying his other leg might come off at the hip but they’re trying to save it. He’s a mad keen surfer and wants to get back in the water.”

After Mick Fanning called him in hospital and gave him a pep talk about how he’d bounce back Toby Begg reportedly said, ‘That was nice of him, but the shark snapped his fucking leg rope… I’ve lost my foot and maybe my leg, so I dunno what he was going on about.’”

More as it comes re: today’s hit.

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Chaos expected at Paris 2024 Teahupoo after Nathan Florence predicts “rogue ten-footers and big mutant bowls”

Meanwhile, Filipe Toledo slips in the bookmakers' estimation, falling from top six favourite to 51-1 rank outsider. 

The popular surf vlogger Nathan Florence, voted surfer of the year in 2023 and brother of US Surf Olympian John John, has set a cat among the pigeons, as the expression goes, after predicting “six-to-eight-foot big mutant bowls with rogue ten-footers” for Paris 2024 Teahupoo. 

As if guided by a divine hand intent on bringing chaos to an Olympic Games already besieged by terrorism, a west swell will likely deliver, according to Nathan Florence’s interpretation of wind guru and Surfline’s figures, “big mutant bowls.” 

“I don’t know how big, eight at thirteen seconds, the period is pretty small, you want  fifteen second range… but if the swell stays and the wind stays nice and clean, the 29th as well as the 30th are great days. We could have some really epic waves, something the surf world will be proud of in the Olympics.”

How big?

“As it is,” says Nathan Florence, “Eight foot at thirteen seconds, with this westerly angle, for these two days, we’re going to see six-to-eight foot with rogue ten-footers coming through on competition day. Which is fucking epic.”

Nathan Florence predicts either his brother John John or Gabriel Medina will win the gold medal, although acknowledges Australia’s Jack Robinson is a threat if big as well as the Tahitian Kauli Vaast.

Outsiders worth a buck or two in the betting ring, says Florence, are Brazil’s Joao Chianca and Moroccan Ramzi Boukhiam.

Bookies no longer favour a Filipe Toledo medal, relegating the two-time world champ to 51-1 rank outsider.

“I’m very excited to watch this,” says Florence.

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