Easy to play, limited numbers, a thousand bucks to the champ…

Editor’s note: Maybe you’ll remember the sad story of Shane Starling, the Berlin-based data analyst who won the WSL’s Fantasy Surfer League last year. Shane picked ten of the eleven winners and didn’t get a damn thing for his year’s work, the victory unremarked and unacknowledged by the owner of the game. Shane called the game, a “dead platform. You can’t communicate with other players, you can’t banter. And if they gave even a small prize it would make the competition more lively. You play the game and that’s it.”

So in swung Taylor Lobdell, from Costa Mesa but who works in the tech biz in San Francisco. He created Surfival League in March, and shortly before the tour was postponed. Twenty bucks to join. Thousand bucks to the winner.

Like the tour, it got iced. But now it’s back.  

Below, Lobdell explains how it works and how to join the gang.

Fantasy Surfer is back but “not sure if corporate will supply prizes”.

Also, WSL Fantasy is back and rules are as confusing as ever.

I believe Surfival League is the only running fantasy game that is supplying a cash prize.

Remember us?

We announced the winner-take-all “Survivor League” on March 12, and on March 13 ELO and the WSL pulled the plug and we’ve been hibernating ever since.

Thanks Erik.

If you don’t remember us, here’s a refresher.

Premise: Fantasy Surfing sucks and is complicated.

We’ve simplified it.

The Rules.

1. Pick one surfer each event.

2. Surfer must advance past Round of 32.

3. You can’t pick same surfer twice.

4. Winner takes $1000.

Want in? Buy in here.

We’re going to help you out here.

Here’s five surfers that should advance past Round of 32. Remember, you can only pick one per contest and you can’t pick the same surfer twice.

Kelly Slater

Yes there’s some “uncomfortability” with picking a forty-eight-year-old man with recent Instagram Drama, but it’s the GOAT and it’s Pipeline.

Gabriel Medina

Gabe is on a roll at Pipe with a runner-up finish in 2019 and a win in 2018. He’s going to get through the Round of 32. Only downside is you would be burning your Gabe pick early and having to watch that bow-legged cowboy march his way up to the grandstand to receive trophy after trophy for the rest of the year. But hey, at least you’ll be there to watch?

John John

Some kids grow up playing in their backyard swing set. John John played at Pipe. Stick him in there.

Jeremy Flores

Two-time Pipe Master. J-Flo did have a first-round exit last year, but lightning don’t strike twice, does it? Well, unless you’re my sweet old Uncle Staffy. Man’s been struck twice now out in the cornfields of Iowa. And once in Laguna. Call it luck, call it chance, but don’t call it a comeback. J-Flo advances.

Jack Robinson

Five years ago, little Jackie Robinson, then seventeen, won the Pipe Trials and in 2019 he won the Volcom Pipe Pro. Kid is comfortable out there. He’s a lock. But who has the key? The WA phenom has the skillset and the sweetpea personality to take it all… including our hearts. Is that enough?

Easy, right?

Who do you got?

And scientist predicts a spate of attacks by bull sharks caused by a rainy La Niña effect… 

Hitting a fish, even a twelve-foot, eight-hundred pound bull shark, at a hundred feet or so, ain’t easy as Western Australian police discovered three days ago after a fatal attack on a bodyboarder in Broome, a famous pearling town two thousand clicks north of Perth.

Charles Cernobori was a hundred feet offshore when the animal, likely a tiger or bull shark ‘cause Whites tend to do a u-turn when they hit Exmouth a thousand kilometres south, attacked.

After the man was pulled from the water by tourists, the cops used Glock 22 semi-automatic pistols to fire twenty-five shots at the animal, which missed, and the shark hung around for another half an hour.

In response to the attack, a scientist from Queensland’s Bond University has told Today that a rainy La Niña will, likely, lead to a spate of attacks by bull sharks this spring and summer

“Particularly if we get heavy rains,” said Bond University’s Associate Professor of Environmental Science Dr Daryl McPhee. “We know we have a higher risk of bull shark bites after flooding rains in the surf zone. That will be a risk.”

The man’s death marked the third fatal shark attack in Western Australia in 2020, following January’s Great White hit on diver Gary Johnson in January, and the disappearing of a local surfer by a Great White in October. 

A socialist experiment where capital is pooled and the harvest shared. 

A gilt-edged invite arrived in the mail yesterday, offering access to a Discord account where angry Redditors gather to pool cash, buy, then disseminate videos and photographs of Ellie-Jean Coffey.

The invite was free and the material I would be able to examine would also be free.

Two months ago, and shortly after Coffey had launched a ten-dollar-a-month subscriber-only website catering to men seeking the keys to their sexual gratification, some early subscribers had taken to Reddit to complain that even spending an extra eighty-five dollars on top of the subscription fee doesn’t necessarily grant access to forbidden realms.

A common refrain,

“Just echoing what everyone else has already said. I regrettably just paid $85 for her “private XXX shower video 🚿with my nipples showing”. Absolute lie. She’s wearing a white shirt and squeezing her tits but her nipples are not visible at all.”

“She just send me a $80 video of her masturbating… I think its $80 down the drain.”

What was remarkable, at least to me, was how many men will squeeze out large amounts of money for the express purpose of a torrid solo moment, gripping their weapons and twirling the snout violently against imaginary clit and vulva.

Sense has prevailed, however.

A socialist experiment where capital is pooled and the harvest shared.

In the encrypted chat-room I was invited to wander, I saw the former world #25 trussed up and gagged with red tape, ass cheeks red “my punished ass” and with a quizzical look on face; a nude frolic in a shorebreak with nipple covered titty-squeze, sorta snarl on face; topless on surfboard, nipples uncovered (“It’s actually happening,” writes velveteen KING); dressed in a bikini and a leopard skin robe, Coffey writhes on day-bed near pool (“She is literally the most awkward cam model I’ve ever seen,” says gmacdaddy); an underwater photograph of titties loosed from bikini (“Wow! A jackpot,” writes velveteen KING); Coffey standing and squeezing titties while noisily sucking on one nipple (“We’re basically paying for chicks to show the absolute bare minimum…she’s doing her fucking best NOT to show nipples. The audacity. Oh well, still gonna fap,” writes Noble); and the pièce de résistance, I suppose, a shower where a beer-can shaped purple dildo is licked and then used to achieve a theatrical on-screen climax, “Oh daddy!… I think I’m gonna cum! I think I’m gonna cum” etc (“She would be better off not faking things and just speaking honestly,” writes one old soul.)

The group’s latest crowd fund is to buy a $120 video that promises, “PUSSY FUCKED. My bare pussy getting penetrated by DICK for my birthday. UNCENSORED and NSFW XXX action for over 5 mins.”

Meanwhile, angry Redditors debate whether or not to invite Coffey into the courtroom for her alleged failure to deliver on promises, a detour into what constitutes “fingering” in a legal sense, very entertaining.

“The problem is,” writes budding Queens Counsel velveteen KING, “people say ‘fingering’, they think ‘she’s spreading her pussy lips for all to see’ which isn’t the same. People that keep saying it’s a scam or illegal are just upset because the reality is in what the expectation is. Which I understand, but it still doesn’t make it illegal.”

“So, I’ve been speaking to a lawyer buddy of mine,” begins another.

More as it cums.