Brazilian champ Adriano De Souza showcases enlarged heart with hatchet-burying praise of Kelly Slater!

"He is insane, everything is done for surfing is next level."

Now that Kelly Slater has pretend retired, all-comers are flooding, praising the greatest surfer of all time for his years of servitude. But a heretofore unforeseen question has suddenly arisen. Is there actually a greater-est surfer? Oh but we must turn our eyes south, to the proud nation of Brazil where impoverished* Americans and Australians are no longer welcome.** Chris Cote, Devon Howard, Jack Freestone, Adriano De Souza…


Adriano de Souza?

Though who could forget eight years ago when Kelly Slater unleashed his wave tank hours after De Souza won his gorgeous, and hard fought, first and only Occy-esque surf championship?

Not me.

Champagne not yet dry on Mineirinho’s hair, Slater showed his Kelly barrel in Lemoore, California on Instagram and then proceeded to make this face.

The entire world following that gaze toward the cow stink, away from the new champ.

Or, years before when Slater and De Souza had an in-surf interaction in which the former “likens Adriano’s intemperance to a chemical imbalance due to his “passion.”

The most ancient of blood feuds.

It should be assumed, then, that De Souza harbors injustice like Indigo Montoya. Counting the days until vengeance is his.

That, friends, would make an ass out of you and me.

The boy from São Paulo, hours ago, took to Freestone’s sonnet and wrote, “i don’t know how to say to him, this is your last or not and yes 🤨 probably we don’t know tomorrow and what we can say is today right @jackfreestone he is insane, everything is done for surfing is next level 👏 @kellyslater”

Very polite dig at the start chased with a crystalline good nature.

Gorgeous and what a jolly good fellow.

Though, what do you think De Souza meant by “insane?”

More as the story develops.

Joel Tudor and Matt Biolos, fighting
Longboard champ Joel Tudor and, right, the shaper with the sad liquid brown eyes, Matt Biolos.

Wild war of words erupts between surfing titans Matt Biolos and Joel Tudor in online blood feud

“So all the worlds best surfers and the worlds most dialled-in designers are all dorks?”

The surfing world was drenched in terror sweat yesterday when the world’s most successful surfboard shaper Matt Biolos and three-time longboard champ Joel Tudor, two of the sport’s most hallowed names, thundered repeated salvos at each other on Instagram. 

Joel Tudor, a forty-seven-year-old father of two but who still has the ethereal and angelic face of a child, opened with a post featuring a vintage technical drawing of a surfboard.

Crucially, there was no mention of the surfboard’s volume, a common and popular measurement in modern surfboards. Regular BeachGrit readers will know the story of how Firewire was the first company to introduce the measurement to surfers, writing it on their stock boards.

“No mention of dorkass liters in this conversation! All the OG’s kept it real!” wrote Joel, regarded as the father of modern old-fashioned long boarding. 

Joel Tudor on surfboard volume
Joel Tudor don’t like the volume measurement on surfboards.

Cool Mom lookalike Matt Biolos, who won last year’s inaugural shaper CT shaper rankings, quickly threw a dish back at Joel Tudor. 

“So all the worlds best surfers and the worlds most dialed in designers are all dorks? Sure, anyone who worries about liters on a log, is not getting the point, but fine tuned minutia of performance competitive surfboards,are universally being made more exacting by adding a “4th dimension” to the mix. It’s a very function method of measurement, when used the correct way.”

Joel Tudor quickly plunged the knife, forgetting even the rule for possessive apostrophes. 

“Every one of you who cave to this trendy language are a bunch of Barney’s!”

A follower called purr_monster writes, “Joel’s a barn.” 

Joel Tudor roars, “I will out surf all of you and fold you in your own clothes.”

Later, Joel Tudor writes to Matt Biolos, “Brewer , takayama & frye will laugh in your face if you say liters on any surfboard whatsoever……they’ve dropped more weed than you’ve smoked in regards to surfboards of all shapes and sizes …..also in the words of Donald to all small board shapers …don’t tell me anything until you can shape a longboard that doesn’t look like it’s been shaped my a axe awoooooooooo…”

Shortly after, “by a axe …sorry my autocorrect just took a bong hit.”

Biolos: “With all due respect to you and those other icons, none ever laughed in my face, when I met them. Skip was forever curious, Like Ekstrom and Brewer all forever inquisitive. If its a tool that gave them, or their test pilots an edge, they would prob use the tool. We use the tool to build refined racing machines, for the most astute surfers on earth. It’s that simple. Donald sold more Asian made SurfTechs than anyone. He laughed in all our faces. Then threatened me, physically, on voice mail, for trying to protect domestic board builder’s from his cheap imports and impose import duties on Asian built boards. Called me every name in the book. So I respectfully laughed in his face. Rest his beautiful soul.”

And so on. 

Joel Tudor, of course, is a well-known star of blood feuds, the ultra-purist angle skewering all-comers.

You’ll remember his role as the protagonist in these classics, Blood Feud: Joel Tudor and Noa Deane in creative battle royale! Blood Feud: Joel Tudor vs The World, and Blood Feud: Kelly Slater vs Kelly Slater (part one), Blood Feud: Joel Tudor vs Kelly Slater, part two and Blood feud; Joel Tudor squares off with shaping icon Richard Kenvin.

Joel Tudor was last seen on those pages four months ago when he described the hot-dogging longboarder Phil Rajzman, famous for his trademark chop-hops, as having “the worst style in long boarding.” 

Volcom golf. True to this.

Once-rebellious Volcom releases “punk lite” golf collection!

Establishment against youth.

Surfing and golf have had a long and weird relationship mostly reflecting the long and weird Kelly Slater. The greatest to ever do it has enjoyed a decades old affair with the greens which, thereby, gave coverage to other nerds who enjoy whacking the little white ball. Really, surfing and golf have nothing in common. No shared history, no common pedigree, nothing but Kelly Slater, though that did not stop the once-rebellious Volcom for releasing a new punk lite golf collection.

The iconic stone, hewn in gritty early-90s Costa Mesa, was anti-authority, anti-old, anti-staid. The youth, you see, were against establishment.

Well, thirty-three years on it appears the upper-middle age are for Saudi-backed boredom.

Now owned by Authentic Brands Group, along with Quiksilver, Billabong, RVCA, DC Shoes, et. al., Volcom’s new golf offering features “polos, shorts and pants to keep you feeling and looking cool from the tee to green.”

It is showcased by Balaram Stack, Jack Robinson, Thor Larson and Sierra Kerr who are not wearing golf shoes in the photo shoot bringing much doubt onto their level of play/desire.

The new tagline is “Volcom not just FORE! surfing.”


Here’s a music video to make you feel better.

True to this.

Also, thanks again, Kelly Slater. Look at what you made Jack Robinson do.

Do you really believe Kelly Slater just retired from pro surfing?

There's been so many iterations of the Kelly Slater retirement that he has made it an art form, dear friends.

Several months heretofore, the world’s second oldest active pro athlete Kelly Slater threatened to call it quits for the twenty-sixth consecutive year after being eliminated from the Hurley Pro at Sunset Beach. 

The just-turned fifty-two-year-old Kelly Slater, who is four years younger than the still-competing pro soccer player Kazuyoshi Miura, was narrowly beaten by Australia’s golden girl Ethan Ewing, a baby-faced twenty-five-year-old Australian with the “plumpest and most spankable bottom in surfing”.

Following the loss, Kelly Slater said he was “questioning competing to be honest with you… My confidence isn’t super high.

Yesterday, after losing in the round of 32 to world number one Griffin Colapinto, Kelly Slater again quit. 

The first time Kelly Slater retired was in 1998, the then six-time world champ having just-turned twenty-six. He competed sporadically over the next few years, winning Pipe in 1999 and the Eddie in 2002, before re-joining the tour to take on Andy Irons head-on, hinting at retirement every year thereafter.

In 2018, and piggybacking Joel Parkinson’s retirement announcement at J-Bay, he said he’d officially quit by the end of the following year at age forty-seven. 

Other retirement announcements can be found here, here, here and here. 

Is this the end? 

Chas Smith says non!

“You actually think hat Kelly Slater is retiring? You think somehow that this year, this time, was the time that he decided to hang it up? Do you forget the 26 other times that he said he was gonna hang it up? Do you somehow not remember when Joel Parkinson was retiring? Oh, what was Kelly Slater gonna do too? Retire. Do you not remember? When he actually did retire during the Andy Irons years, that was a long time ago. There’s been so many iterations of the Kelly Slater retirement that he has made it an art form, dear friends. And this latest gambit, this latest show, we’ll say, is a bit of acting, theatre. 

“He will certainly continue to surf. That is a far-forgone conclusion. He will surf in Tahiti, he will surf in Fiji, he will surf and he will surf and he will surf again. But how does he beat this retirement? I don’t know. This was… the Oscar award-winning retirement.”

Thoughts? Opinions? 








Open Thread: Comment Live, Day Four of the Margaret River Pro!

Wineries, "big energy" and slain GOATs.