“So all the worlds best surfers and the worlds most dialled-in designers are all dorks?”

The surfing world was drenched in terror sweat yesterday when the world’s most successful surfboard shaper Matt Biolos and three-time longboard champ Joel Tudor, two of the sport’s most hallowed names, thundered repeated salvos at each other on Instagram. 

Joel Tudor, a forty-seven-year-old father of two but who still has the ethereal and angelic face of a child, opened with a post featuring a vintage technical drawing of a surfboard.

Crucially, there was no mention of the surfboard’s volume, a common and popular measurement in modern surfboards. Regular BeachGrit readers will know the story of how Firewire was the first company to introduce the measurement to surfers, writing it on their stock boards.

“No mention of dorkass liters in this conversation! All the OG’s kept it real!” wrote Joel, regarded as the father of modern old-fashioned long boarding. 

Cool Mom lookalike Matt Biolos, who won last year’s inaugural shaper CT shaper rankings, quickly threw a dish back at Joel Tudor. 

“So all the worlds best surfers and the worlds most dialed in designers are all dorks? Sure, anyone who worries about liters on a log, is not getting the point, but fine tuned minutia of performance competitive surfboards,are universally being made more exacting by adding a “4th dimension” to the mix. It’s a very function method of measurement, when used the correct way.”

Joel Tudor quickly plunged the knife, forgetting even the rule for possessive apostrophes. 

“Every one of you who cave to this trendy language are a bunch of Barney’s!”

A follower called purr_monster writes, “Joel’s a barn.” 

Joel Tudor roars, “I will out surf all of you and fold you in your own clothes.”

Later, Joel Tudor writes to Matt Biolos, “Brewer , takayama & frye will laugh in your face if you say liters on any surfboard whatsoever……they’ve dropped more weed than you’ve smoked in regards to surfboards of all shapes and sizes …..also in the words of Donald to all small board shapers …don’t tell me anything until you can shape a longboard that doesn’t look like it’s been shaped my a axe awoooooooooo…”

Shortly after, “by a axe …sorry my autocorrect just took a bong hit.”

Biolos: “With all due respect to you and those other icons, none ever laughed in my face, when I met them. Skip was forever curious, Like Ekstrom and Brewer all forever inquisitive. If its a tool that gave them, or their test pilots an edge, they would prob use the tool. We use the tool to build refined racing machines, for the most astute surfers on earth. It’s that simple. Donald sold more Asian made SurfTechs than anyone. He laughed in all our faces. Then threatened me, physically, on voice mail, for trying to protect domestic board builder’s from his cheap imports and impose import duties on Asian built boards. Called me every name in the book. So I respectfully laughed in his face. Rest his beautiful soul.”

And so on. 

Joel Tudor, of course, is a well-known star of blood feuds, the ultra-purist angle skewering all-comers.

You’ll remember his role as the protagonist in these classics, Blood Feud: Joel Tudor and Noa Deane in creative battle royale! Blood Feud: Joel Tudor vs The World, and Blood Feud: Kelly Slater vs Kelly Slater (part one), Blood Feud: Joel Tudor vs Kelly Slater, part two and Blood feud; Joel Tudor squares off with shaping icon Richard Kenvin.

Joel Tudor was last seen on those pages four months ago when he described the hot-dogging longboarder Phil Rajzman, famous for his trademark chop-hops, as having “the worst style in long boarding.”