"DON’T GO CRYING WHEN WE START TO REGULATE AND DON’T CRY WHEN YOUR LOVED ONES COME HOME IN ONE WOODEN BOX."
There have been considerable thrills over the past couple of days as the North Shore’s winter season, a time when the best surfers in the world come and gather and pray in the temples of the seven-mile holy miracle, fire-breathed into life.
From the Pipeline charging Queen of Crazy Jamie O’Brien to the king of POV Nathan Florence, barrels were wrangled, boards mutilated, leashes stretched to the beach, ski’s rolled and, crucial to today’s story, more than enough gasping kooks pulled from the drink.
The Honolulu Fire Department even took the rare step of calling a press connie and saying, brothers, it ain’t a playground out there, stay home and enjoy, say, television.
Beginning Saturday afternoon, we are expecting a very large winter northwest swell to start impacting the north and west shores of Oahu. Rising Saturday afternoon and very rapidly overnight into a warning-level swell Sunday morning,” Ocean Safety Director Kurt Lager said at a news conference about dangerous conditions expected to hit Oahu this weekend.
The public is asked to avoid swimming at unguarded beaches and to follow guidance from lifeguards during, what is expected to be, the largest swell of the winter.
“We ask everyone to respect the ocean and heed the guidance of our lifeguards. They are the experts in the ocean safety field to keep us safe,” HFD’s Capt. Malcolm Medrano said of the life-threatening surf.
The former pro surfer, pal of Kelly Slater, and noted big-waver Jason Magallanes was a little less sanguine than the HFD.
In a stinging piece to camera, Magallane said: “I don’t know what you guys are doing on a twenty foot swell. Don’t go out. I had to save so many guys ytesrday. If you guys want to be a hero, to tow this wave or this swell, don’t do it.
“You have no idea what you’re doing. You don’t know how to ride a ski, you don’t know how to tow in properly. If you can’t navigate waves, can’t navigate channels, don’t know where to be when the waves come to tow in, regulate in the summer time when I’m fishing! It was a shit-show out there.”
It’s a fiery monologue but Magallanes is only just starting! Did you wear safety equipment at Waimea? Like, uh oh!
While we’re on the topic (of rancid kooks) I went to check Waimea, I’ve got a pulled calf muscle that’s why I was on my ski, and…the barns out there! Dropping in, running into each other. Why are you wearing a float vest out at Waimea? First, there’s ten skis in the channel, it’s twelve to fifteen, maybe twenty foot sets, but man oh man, so irritating. From the tow-in guys to random barns trying to say, oh I surfed Waimea today brah. Dude, fuck, it’s cool you want to surf and experience it but have a clue to what you’re doing before you paddle out or take a ski when it’s big.
The account surfchannel.hawaii, which reposted Magallanes’ speech, was even bullish in its pursuit of adult learners.
ATTENTION ALL YOU ENTITLED KOOKS.
ENOUGH OF DA SHIT SHOW WITH ALL YOU KOOKS IN DA WATER. YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOUR DOING OUT HERE AND YOUR PUTTING OUR LIVES IN DANGER. YOU LOOK LIKE ONE CLOWN TRYING TO SURF OUR LOCAL BREAKS HERE AT WAIMEA / NORTH-SHORE.
YOU ARE RISKING THE LIVES OF OUR LIFEGUARDS
YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS IN DA WATER. MOST OF YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BE.
YOUR PUTTING OUR LIVES IN DANGER. WE HAVE OHANA WE LIKE GO HOME TO AT THE END OF THE DAY. IT’S DANGEROUS ENOUGH OUT HERE WITHOUT HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOU AND YOUR ENTITLED ATTITUDES.
DON’T GO CRYING WHEN WE START TO REGULATE AND DON’T CRY WHEN YOUR LOVED ONES COME HOME IN ONE WOODEN BOX
THIS SWELL IS NO GAME. IT’S FOR LOCAL EXPERTS / PROS ONLY. IF IN DOUBT DON’T GO OUT.
Do you like when Hawaiians go caps lock? Have you ever been guilty of similar crimes, hitting the North Shore, paddling when it’s a little big etc? I can say that I have never in a dozen North Shore seasons risked the life of a lifeguard by paddling out when it’s over four feet.
Et tu?
Can’t take Magallanes seriously ever since I found out he’s a known cuck in O’ahu… he’s not wrong here though
A cuck, please tell more
You might have just knocked old Bicko off the top of the “best surfer on BG”. Well besides they two industry insiders with state and national titles to their names.
Why do so many of these “North Shore locals” look like roid raging, weight lifting, massive cunts when it’s the worst build to have as a surfer? Ethan, Gabe, Jack and so on are obviously powerful enough but also light enough to be quick on their feet and agile.
Yeh this cunt could smash me if he could even catch me but he looks like he would sink a cruise ship and be fucked after paddling 50 meters. Just makes no sense to me ay
Why worry just let them go out , the more floggings the more attention in social media a couple of fatalities and eventualy the numbers will drop.
Da kine can be so many things. It’s quite fantastic and generally pointed toward inanimate objects. NonJohn is da kine.
I was sponnoed by the bong in me late teens and twenties and they were good enough to chip in for trips overseas. Never any real coin but still better than a kick in the clunge ay. Thankfully this was before fuckbook and gayagram haha
I’ve watched all the Matt Bromley videos, subscribed to the Mark Visser Big Wave course and bought myself an inflatable vest. Hawaii winter here I come!
100%- that underwater waterfall dragging you to the bottom
If you are up for a surfEXPLORE project, let me know – you will surf some interesting waves with no other surfers around and get photographed and video’s on every wave
Haha LWSS is a quote from the endless summer (Bruce Brown describing Greg noll surfing at Waimea). But it’s true about the wave at el Salvador. I thought I was going to get pulverised. From the shore, not so much lol.
worst hold down I ever had, I started to brown out just before my head broke surface, completely out of air. spooky, because a calm sense of euphoria starts to kick in and you feel juuuuust fiiiiine.
epic headache on the beach once I got in…..
but getting raked across the reef or slammed into the rocks…fucking hurts!
Nah he is cool.
Honest perspective and highly familiar.
But just like you I enjoy his presence, even if I don’t always agree with any given take.
I guess, but it’s a bad look. Are they only there to rescue their buddies?
No, he is asking people to have common sense. North shore with a big swell is expert only territory.
I get that, but common sense to me is don’t become a lifeguard on the North Shore if you don’t want to put yourself in harm’s way to save people.
OUCH. well played.
that was like one of those jiu jitsu moves you don’t see coming.
It’s not easy watching the art turn into a gang bang, that I get.
But to assume you are the only “charger” would mean you would stop commenting and move further into your recluse cave.
Surfing bred some difficult personalities in our time, including mine, aging is already difficult, but when all you see is the rear view mirror it gets tiring always being in reverse. Work in progress.
When the fuck did I claim anything about my own surfing abilities? Didn’t happen. Just because I think it’s douchey to claim you are some ripper, charger, legend doesn’t mean I put myself in some elite category.
love you the most Barrelled, but None did kind of get you with the no claim claim. credit where credit’s due.
just eat it like a man, as you’ve hit a few good aces as well.
“DA” is a word in English? Or is he talking pidgin?
never been to hawaii huh?
it’s one thing to say it. but to type it?
Brah, Wat? you no like go come stay?
you go come, I go stay, you no go come I goin no stay.
“You like Beef?”
“No Spam or gravy”
SLAP
da hui…da bus…da kine…
please tell me more about how you have never been to hawaii
Or in Bondi, a DA is essential prior to making a stunning renovation of beachfront hovel.
Powerjawing the pidgin, to show everyone how “local” he is –
It’s that lame IG Surf Channel Hawaii who write that, not Mags.
attention all mags is not a lifeguard…
Honorary lifeguard if he saving souls.
just correcting Derek once again. seems to happen more often than not.
I know there are like 5 total jobs on the NS, 4 of which involve dishing out acai bowls to the most annoying people alive, and being a lifeguard beats them all, but what exactly did this dude think his job would entail
Mags was a loud mouthed tool when he was trying to be a pro surfer in the early 00 s .
Guess being a lifeguard is better than waiting tables at haleiwa joes or smoking meth?
Probably just doing those two in his private time?
If I had to guess, he was probably calling out Ben Gravy who was towing the outer reefs yesterday………but what do I know? I haven’t even had a HamSammish yet today.
It’s not a word Champ, its a made-up anonymous name.
Fingers crossed those wooden boxes will be in very high demand for this entire Hawaiian winter.
To the extent that the market for airbrushed tropical themed surfboard shaped coffins explodes and all the recently opened ‘acai bars’ become undertakers.
At least for a few years anyway till the kooks n vals get scared off again…