NFL: The non-American surfer’s guide to the greatest game on earth

"NFL is the greatest game ever invented that involves ritualistic male-on-male ass grabbing plus a healthy dose of CTE."

Here we are fellow grizzled surf goons, on the precipice of another season of professional American Football, the greatest game ever invented that involves ritualistic male-on-male ass grabbing, plus a healthy dose of CTE.

It’s basically BeachGrit, on turf.

This year, the NFL is taking a page out of the WSL’s playbook and sending two teams to open their season in Brazil, Sao Paulo to be precise.

No word yet on whether newly-crowned world champ Yago D will make an appearance.

But a game founded on dudes beating the hell out of each other and questionable calls by on-field judges seems tailor-made for the Brazzo fanbase.

But I digress.

The real point of this piece is education.

Specifically, since so many of you ultra-hard surf candy fiends reside far from the languid shores of North America, it seems only fitting that we northwestern hemisphere BG-ers provide you with the kind of insider insight you will need to truly appreciate the game that is hot on the heels of OG football for the title of most watched sport on planet earth.

So without further adieu:

The Brazilian Bash:

While the Dallas Cowboys vs. defending Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles on Thursday night is the nominal NFL season opener, the real banger happens Friday night in Sao Paulo when the Los Angeles (nee San Diego) Chargers clash with the Kansas City Chiefs.

The Chargers, with their San Diego / LA bonafides and kick ass Gerry Lopez lightning bolt logo, are neck and neck with the San Francisco 49ers for title of favorite team among hard core surfers.

But they are also classic underachievers, with a long and storied history of seasons that end with “what could have been.”

This will be Season 2 for Chargers head coach Jim Harbaugh, a mercurial (to say the least), albeit very successful, coach who previously led the 49ers to the Super Bowl (where he lost, ironically, to a team led by his brother, John Harbaugh) and subsequently resurrected a moribund University of Michigan football team, which he led to the collegiate national title.

Whether Harbaugh can harness the heretofore unrealized potential of quarterback Justin Herbert — a gunslinger with a cannon attached to his shoulder — is the question on every SoCal fan’s lips.

The Chiefs, on the other hand, are the NFL equivalent of early aughts Andy Irons. They have won 2 of the last 3 Super Bowls, and 3 of the past 6. Their starting quarterback is Patrick Mahomes – in 7 years as a starter, Mahomes has led the Chiefs to the Super Bowl 5 times. And in the 2 years he fell short, the team lost — in overtime no less — in the conference championship game (the last playoff game before the Super Bowl).

Mahomes is also on the short list of the greatest closers the NFL has ever seen. In his most famous comeback, a playoff game in January 2022, the Buffalo Bills scored a go ahead touchdown at the end of the game, leaving only 13 seconds on the game clock.

Chiefs head coach Andy Reid then turned to Mahomes and uttered seven of the most inspiring words in the history of mankind: “When it’s grim, be the Grim Reaper.”

Mahomes proceeded to pick up his scythe and lead the Chiefs to one of the most improbable and iconic playoff wins NFL fans have ever witnessed.

But Mahomes and the Chiefs’ lopsided loss to the Eagles in last February’s Super Bowl has fueled all the naysayers (of which there are a multitude). Hardly a minute goes by these days without some talking head claiming Mahomes has lost his edge and the Chief’s dominant run is over.

And that’s just the Chiefs on the field. Off of it, tight end Travis Kelce’s lightning rod romance with — and now engagement to — pop superstar Taylor Swift is either, depending on your age and gender, the greatest story since Romeo & Juliet or the beginning of the end of NFL football.

Any way you slice it, the entire old school football world has seemingly taken up pitchforks and torches against the Chiefs.

Which means the Showdown in Sao Paulo will be memorable, no matter the outcome.

Either the up and coming Chargers rocket fuel their season with an emphatic win over a dominant rival — or the Chiefs show the world that those who traffic in their dynasty’s demise are basically the NFL 2025 equivalent of everyone who wrote off Tom Curren at the beginning of the 1990 ASP World Tour (shoutout to BG’s own beloved Brutus for his epic role in that unforgettable slice of surf history).

The Floridian Flurry

From a surfing perspective, 2 states dominate the conversation in the US of A — California and, of course, Florida.

But not only is the Sunshine State the home of multiple ASP and WCT male and female world champs (hello Lisa Anderson, we all still love you), it also happens to be home to 2 NFL teams — 3 if you count the Jacksonville Jaguars (jk Jacksonville, love your QB’s hairdo and thanks for letting me snag some waves at The Poles that one day).

While the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2 Super Bowl titles in the 2000s) have had a solid run recently, the Florida NFL OGs are the Miami Dolphins, still the only NFL team ever to complete a season with an undefeated record — the iconic 17-0 1972 Dolphins, whose members still get together and have a drink every year when the last undefeated team finally posts a loss and guarantees that the 1972 team’s record will survive.

Alas, the 50 plus years since have not been nearly as kind to the porpoises — while their offense was led by iconic QB Dan Marino for most of the 80s and 90s, they haven’t won a Super Bowl since the early ‘70s, and haven’t even played in one since 1985.

This year won’t be any different — the Fins are in turmoil, with a once promising young coaching savant on a short leash after several underwhelming seasons.

On the flip side, the Dolphins quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa, is an Oahu native — so if you’re looking to root for the NFL QB most likely to be sponsored by Blak Bear, Tua is your guy.

The Beasts of the East

Speaking of the East Coast, if a US-based surfer doesn’t root for one of the California or Florida teams, it’s highly likely that his or her squad of choice will play in the NFC* East.

New Jersey surfers have two choices in this division — the New York Giants, who despite their name actually play their games in New Jersey at the Meadowlands, a stadium physically located across the river from New York City in East Rutherford, NJ; and the afore-mentioned defending champion Philadelphia Eagles, who play their games just a few miles from the southern New Jersey border.

The Giants have an admirable pedigree, with multiple Super Bowl wins to their credit this century. But they really, really suck these days, and their head coach is into playing weird head games with young QBs, so no telling what their future might hold.

The Eagles, on the other hand, are fresh off kicking the Chief’s ass in Super Bowl LIX (that’s 59 to you non-Romans), and with a dominant defensive line, superstar running back, and the most devastating short yardage attack in league history — the infamous “Tush Push,” or as Dognuts refers to it, “Saturday” — they show no signs of slippage.

If a surfer isn’t an NJ near-shore barrel local and instead scopes his/her surf spots a little further south, say Maryland or Virginia (or even the northern reaches of the OBX), then said surfer might root for the Washington Commanders (nee Redskins).

The only NFL team named after a condom features a hot young quarterback and some savvy veterans, not to mention a new ownership group that includes the likes of Lakers legend Magic Johnson.

The DC Condoms penetrated deep into the playoffs last year — look for them to put up another stiff fight again this season.

And last but not least, the Dallas Cowboys also reside in the NFC East.

Cowboys fans are the VALs of the NFL — and owner Jerry Jones is like that loudmouthed local who sits outside and talks shit nonstop, but then kooks out every time a real set rolls through.

San Fran

A surf-centric view of the NFL couldn’t close without at least some discussion of the NorCal 49ers, the favorite team of pretty much anyone who rides waves north of College Point.

In the 80s and 90s, the Niners rang up 5 Super Bowl wins and were blessed with multiple hall of famers, including two world class quarterbacks in Joe Montana and Steve Young, one of the most fearsome defensive hitters ever in Ronnie Lott, and arguably the greatest single player in the history of the league, legendary wide-out Jerry Rice.

But the 2000s have been a different story. While they’ve made the Super Bowl twice since 2020, Mahomes and the Chiefs have emerged the victors both times.

They do have a promising young QB in Brock Purdy, and a potential all world running back in Christian McCaffrey. But McCaffrey has had multiple injuries that have kept him sidelined, and while Purdy’s skills play well in a complimentary role, he hasn’t seen nearly the same success when the rest of the team isn’t at full strength.

In other words, the team is a lot like Ocean Beach — looks great from the shoreline, but success in finding the perfect wave is often elusive.

The Wrap Up

So there you have it. The very first surfer’s guide to the NFL.

Will it be enough to distract us until the WCT’s 2026 kick off? Probably not.

But at least there won’t be any brew breaks just as your favorite QB takes off for the end zone.

*The NFL is split into two “conferences,” the NFC or National Football Conference, and the AFC or American Football Conference. While teams from both conferences play each other during the regular season, the playoffs are organized by conference. The winners of each conference’s respective playoffs then play each other in the Super Bowl.