Seasoned Surfers Encouraged to Mentor Vulnerable Adult Learners

"It’s time to welcome VALs into the fold and set an example for the rest of this increasingly bitter and divided world."

We are very, very deep in the off-season doldrums. Deeper, perhaps, than ever. 

This unfortunate empty space between the final Final Five and the April 2026 Bells Beach kick-off of the new WSL schedule hangs over all of us like the evil spawn of an EF5 funnel, threatening to suck our souls into eternal darkness. 

One day, the world tour will mercifully return once again to the pre-ELO era and a fulfilling climax at Mother Banzai and her Backdoor lover — but in the meantime, this unexpected space in our collective schedules threatens to carve permanent scars on our tender psyches, like a bad late-90s tribal tattoo wrapping around an innocent bulging bicep. 

Sure, we could all leave our keyboards behind and go chase swells like the hardcore surf nuts we are, busting our air games out of mothballs or nestling in an oceanic womb of barreling bliss.

But who are we kidding, this is BG.  

Surf stuff like actually paddling out is passé. 

Better to instead spend our days glued to a screen, thirsty for another hot real estate tip or update on Italo (and now Gabriel) baby name status (personally pulling for “Valiant,” just because I would love to see a little fellow Brazzo trolling). 

Well, glued to surf-adjacent headlines about real estate, Brazzo babies – and VALs. 

The dreaded Vulnerable Adult Learner, bane of lineups everywhere, from Bali to Brisbane, Belmar to Buxton. And Malibu.

A favorite punching bag when surf adjacent news runs dry and the BG headline writers are desperate for clicks.

Facts: the Grit can be a pretty inhospitable place for VALs. 

The constant mocking, the inside jokes.

But this kind of old school/mean local schtick is very pre-the-post-ELO-era. 

It’s a new day, time to turn the page, open arms wide, be more benevolent. 

For chrissakes, the new WSL CEO who saved us from ELO’s Pipeline punting madness is apparently a VAL.

It’s time to welcome VALs into the fold and set an example for the rest of this increasingly bitter and divided world we inhabit. In other words, more Stoked Bloke and less Kook of the Day. 

So in the spirit of this new Grit, here are some timeworn tips about how to surf good. 

Or at least how to look good, which is what really matters, amiright?

***But:  Before we start down this cerulean brick road, an important disclaimer is in order. I don’t rip, at least not anymore. 

The post-50 pop up challenge is real, it’s not just some insidious rumor spread by losers like Britt Merrick and Shaun Tomson (jk Britt, love your work, but you did tell Chas and therefore the world that pop ups are becoming a challenge). 

Not to mention, my lip smashing skills are seriously eroded, and if you saw the current state of my cutback you would wonder how the fuck a wounded pelican managed to stand up on a surfboard in the first place.

Those ego-deflating admissions aside, I rode my first waves in the early 80s, so that’s 40 plus orbits around the sun of watching humans in and out of the water at various levels of wave riding expertise, from GOAT to “go home already.” 

And did I mention that one time I saw Dora surf? (So many name drops, can hardly keep track.)

I’ve also done a little youth coaching over the years (basketball, not surfing), so I’ve got some experience helping people go from zero ability to a passing understanding of basic skills. 

Not to mention, VALs are basically taller, chunkier kindergarteners anyway, the principal difference being the kindergarteners are less emotionally fragile and not as prone to tantrums.

To sum up, notwithstanding my own kook-like tendencies, I feel especially well-suited to lead this diplomatic mission to the VALs. 

Call me Kissinger, just without the Chris Cote glasses and pants pulled up to my nipples.

So without further ado, here it is. The super simple (only 3 steps!!):

VAL’s Totally Legit Bitchin’ Guide to Surfing Good and Looking Cool

1. Stance: Here’s the real secret sauce — bend at the knees and the waist. 

A lot of surfers just do one or the other, but both is the key. 

If you’re wondering how to do it right, pony up $5 for access to Warshaw’s www.eos.surf and go watch any surf clips from the 70s. Or just imagine a weightlifter trying to hoist 400 lbs up out of a deep squat and mimic that look — you’ll be golden. 

Oh, and you may have heard about tucking the back knee, a “style” made famous by that Frankenstein-skimboard-riding weirdo, Tom Curren. 

Don’t be fooled — there’s a reason you never see Curren in the WCT commentary booth. Legit rippers only. 

He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, unlike those prodigies Turpel and Kaipo — I mean, does TC even compete? 

Putting Curren’s kooky style aside, what to do with your hands and arms? 

Simple — hold them straight out in front of you, fingers tight together pointing forward, aiming in the direction you want to go.  

Don’t ever let those arms hang loose by your sides — that pansy stance is for weak-ass losers who can’t ride thrusters, like Mikey Febs. 

And a little tickle of the curl, a caress of the wave face with your fingertips? 

Another poseur move – real wave dancers know exactly where they want to go, and they point right at it.

2. Speed: I feel dumb even saying this, but your primary goal is to go as fast as possible on your waves. It’s not the first element in the WCT’s judging criteria for nothing.

And experts know the best way to max out surfing speed is to take off pointing straight ahead, like an F1 supercar firing down a straightaway, DRS open wide. 

The feel of the lip smashing down on your tail from behind, the whitewater engulfing you like a foaming lover — there’s nothing like it. 

Going sideways down the line, on the other hand, is overrated. 

Don’t believe me? Just look at the over 65 surfers in the water — that’s what they do, all that down the line trimming and “graceful” drop knees. 

Do you want to be a geriatric surfer before your skill level even gets to first base? 

Didn’t think so. 

3. Lineup Awareness: You’ve got the stance, you’ve embraced the speed, now the only thing left is to spot the sets way outside and shark your way into position around the other surfers in the lineup like a Mako on meth. 

Surf-ray vision I call it. The ability to see waves no one else can.

You might get a little stink eye. 

Ancient salty crackers on longboard frigates might even tell you, “wait your turn, kid.” 

Don’t back down! 

Put those lame ass down-the-line-trimming OGs in their place!

Try this response – “I must be a bus driver old fart, because I’m taking you and your POS single fin to school!” 

Bottom line: don’t let some Geritol-sucking, denture-soaking, great-grandpa keep you from snagging all the best waves!

__________________

So there it is, the essential basics that every VAL must know about surfing good and looking cool.

Oh, and one final piece of advice: ignore the doubters and internet haters, they’re not worth your time! 

Take your newfound blazing fast pro stance and go carve a legacy! 

Crouch and bend, crouch and bend, crouch and bend — over and over and over again. 

One day, in the not too distant future, all that crouching and bending will transform your surfing from awkward to awesome! 

Until then, happy ripping!

Sincerely,

Your New and Improved Super Friendly BG Family